


It’s Your Love That Brings Me Home

by lullys



Series: September Verse [7]
Category: Actor RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Adoption, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cancer, Cancer Arc, Established Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki, Foster Care, M/M, Paralysis, Physical Disability, September Verse, Sick Character, Sick Jensen Ackles, mentions of September 11 attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2018-12-31 04:00:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 131,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12124068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullys/pseuds/lullys
Summary: Fourteen years ago, Jared and Jensen survived the worst tragedy in recent American history. They went through a long road to finally reach the light at the end of the tunnel, and even though their lives have ups and downs, they can say they're truly happy, especially because they have each other.But just when they're starting to think about taking the next step, life puts them to the test again. Jensen receives news that makes his whole world collapse, and once again an impossible decision has to be made.In the past, Jensen helped Jared overcome the hardest challenge in his life. Now Jared needs to channel that inner strength he gained more than ever so he can do the same for Jensen.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again, and thanks for reading this sequel. First thing I want to say, I wasn't gonna write this. My intention was to write the main fic, then some timestamps and be over with. But then a while ago I got an anon messange on Tumblr suggesting I wrote this, and at first I gave it a huge no. How could I do that to my boys after evetything they went through? Then I talked about it with my beta Heather and wifey Karri, and both actually thought it was a great idea, even suggesting some things for the story. I thought it over for a while, and then finally decided to do it, combining it with a timestamp I was gonna write but later decided to incorporate to this sequel. 
> 
> I've said it once and I will say it again, I never meant to be disrespectful with 9/11 and the victims or survivors. I'm only using an event in history on my story like many others do with many historic events. Also, i'm gonna say that I am not a doctor or a specialist. Everything you read here comes from research and friends' help. I apologize for the inaccurancies you may find, I promise I always do my best.
> 
> I want to thank my AMAZING artist Kaelysta, for not only making art for my big bang, but also for offering to create pieces for this sequel too. She went out of her way to do some fucking incredible stuff, and there's no way I can thank her enough. I found a small way to thank her in this story but since I don't want to spoil, I'll mention it when the time is right. Thank you for all your hard work, for being my partner in this verse, I could never have gotten a better artist! You rock!
> 
> Also thanks again for my beta Heather for agreeing on working with me on this sequel too, making this story even better with her hard work!! I love you bb, thank you so much for doing this!
> 
> the warnings are on the tags. I won't add all of them for now as not to spoil the story, I want to keep some surprises. I'll add them as I post more chapters. And about the posting, I'm gonna post this fic one chapter at a time, I promise I will try to post as often as possible, and won't abandon this story. You can subscribe to the verse or my account if you want to get notified when there's updates. Plus, this story won't make as much sense if you don't read Wake Me Up When September Ends. That's where the boys meet and fall in love, also where their world turns upside down and they go through a tragedy and a long road towards recovery. You may want to read the timestamps as well!
> 
> like I did on the first fic, some chapters will have songs that go with them. I'll post the link in the beginning of the chapter.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [Song for this chapter - Part 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61Wm_qlVD4Q)  
> [Song for this chapter - Part 2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJtDXIazrMo)
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> This story takes place a couple of months after the epilogue on Wake Me Up When September Ends.

 

_“Remember the time you thought you never could survive? You did it, and you can do it again.”_

 

 

**July, 2015**

**_Jensen_ **

Jensen walks into his home, carrying several grocery bags.

“Honey I’m home,” Jensen sings as he spots Jared. He quickly walks to the kitchen to put everything on the counter and then turns to face his husband. Jared is in the living room in his wheelchair, holding an ankle which is crossed over one thigh with one hand and scrolling down his iPad supported on his other thigh with the other. He is barefoot, wearing an old Green Day tee and shorts and his hair is up in a messy bun. He looks completely relaxed listening to some music on a lazy Saturday morning, Harley dozing next to him. Jared looks up at hearing the greeting and gives him the dimpled smile Jensen loves so much as his heart skips a beat. Even after all these years, Jared is still able to take Jensen’s breath away. It constantly amazes him how he got so lucky.

“Got everything you needed?” Jared asks and Jensen nods happily.

“Just the best for making the best lunch for the best hubby!”

Jared’s smile grows wider and Jensen returns it. He’s been a bit shaky for the past few weeks, ever since they went to the new World Trade Center for the opening of the One World Observatory. It was a huge step for Jensen and he feels proud for overcoming his PTSD enough to be able to go up there. But it wasn’t easy to say the least. Jensen has always been very sensitive to anything WTC related and managing to go up that elevator to visit the observatory took its toll on him. Jared knew that, he’s always in tune with what Jensen is feeling. Jared supported him the entire time, holding his hand, making sure they matched breaths to keep Jensen from having a full blown panic attack. Now Jensen is finally starting to feel better and it was his idea when he woke up this morning to cook an extra nice meal for them. He loves when Jared compliments his food and he wants to give his husband a treat because Jared has been stressed with his own issues lately as well.

The Parapan American Games are happening in Toronto in less than a month and it’s Jared’s first big event as a part of the Paralympic committee. Jared has been working nonstop to get everything ready for the games, and he’s ridiculously excited, talking 24/7 about it. Jensen is taking several days off work and flying with him to Toronto. It’s a tradition for them - Jensen has accompanied Jared to all his Paralympic and Parapan games. This time won’t be different, he can’t wait to spend a few days in Toronto with Jared, even if his husband’s not competing any longer. Next year they’re going to Rio for the Paralympics and Jared has already started work for that as well. Jensen knows he will hear a lot about it in the months to come. It makes Jensen incredibly happy to see Jared’s passion still burn bright. Little did he know all those years ago when he took Jared to the YMCA to see an adapted swimming competition that his husband would find a new hobby. That turned into something that would help improve his life tremendously on so many levels. Jared became a Paralympic champion and an idol and inspiration to so many people. Jensen is still so damn proud of Jared he can’t even say how much. It’s funny thinking back how at the beginning of their relationship Jared felt insecure, thinking that Jensen was way out of his league. Later on it was Jensen feeling that way, because he just knows how incredible his husband is and how anyone would kill to be with him, even if Jared himself doesn’t see it that way.

They were able to build a solid relationship from an immediate spark and solid friendship. Of course, they had their ups and downs like any other couple, but the immense love and respect between them only grew stronger with time. They’ve been together for thirteen years and Jensen plans on going for a lot longer than that. In fact, there are things he wants to discuss with his husband and he hopes Jared is on board.

Jensen cooks lunch for them while Jared is busy navigating the web, probably researching past Parapans if he knows his husband, and hums to the music playing from the sound dock. While Jensen works he likes to observe Jared - his husband is distracted, and god, in such a natural unaware state what a nice view that is. He’s frowning at something he’s seeing on the iPad and biting at his bottom lip. Count on Jared to be adorable and damn sexy at the same time.

A song starts on Jared’s playlist and Jensen’s eyes instantly light up. It’s one of their songs, whenever he listens to it he thinks about their story together, even if the song is meant for siblings, it fits them perfectly. Jared looks up at Jensen when the song starts, giving him a knowing smile and a wink. Jensen stops what he’s doing and points the wooden spoon he’s been using at Jared, preparing to sing the chorus to him like he usually does when this song plays.

_Brother, let me be your shelter_  
_Never leave you all alone_  
_I can be the one you call_  
_When you’re low_  
_Brother, let me be your fortress_  
_When the night winds are driving on_  
_Be the one to light the way_  
_Bring you home_

Jared looks fondly at him, he loves when Jensen sings to him, especially this song. They share an intimate moment, just looking at each other as the song plays, and Jared sings to Jensen his favorite part of it.

_I know that in my weakness I am strong, but_  
_It’s your love that brings me home_

Jensen walks over to Jared, grabbing the iPad and setting it aside, then places his foot on the open plate and sits on his lap, holding his face in his hands and planting a sweet kiss on his lips. Jared holds him close as Jensen whispers in his ear.

_And on those days when the sky begins to fall_  
_You're the blood of my blood_  
_We can get through it all_

_*_

Jared sets the table and they enjoy the deep dish lasagna Jensen made for them. As usual, Jared compliments his cooking skills and Jensen smiles, warmth deep in his heart. It’s a Jared thing, ever since Jensen got him to start eating better again when they reconnected those first months after the attack, Jared always says something positive about Jensen’s food. It’s been years, but it still makes Jensen fill up with pride.

Once they are done eating and have cleaned up, Jared suggests they take Harley for a walk. They should have done it this morning, but both of them were feeling too lazy to go out and now their dog is getting restless. Jensen would much rather stay on the couch watching a movie, but he agrees. Jared goes to change his clothes while Jensen puts the collar on Harley. He waits for Jared in their front yard, throwing a ball for Harley to fetch. Soon his husband wheels outside and Jensen can’t hold back a wolf whistle.

Jared’s outfit is as simple as the one he had on before but now he has changed to longer shorts, a plain white tank top, sneakers and sunglasses, and his hair is still in a messy bun. Jared’s body has changed a lot over time, especially after he started swimming and working out again. The tank top he has on shows a lot of his well built upper body, with a firm broad chest as well as strong muscled arms and shoulders. The fact that Jared was able to get his body - at least his upper body - back in the shape it used to be before he was paralyzed, or even better, did wonders to improve his self esteem. A very special day from years ago suddenly comes to Jensen’s mind, when he convinced Jared to go with him to Central Park for the first time after his paralysis. It was the day after Jared broke down and finally told Jensen what had happened to make him unable to walk. Jensen had gone over to pick Jared up, it was a sunny hot July day, weather very much like today’s, and Jared had been wearing heavy jeans, a dark shirt and his so far inseparable beanie. Jensen had known right then that Jared didn’t want to show his body to the world, and he had wondered if that was ever gonna change.

It totally did. And Jensen feels proud thinking he played a part in it, proving to Jared how he was still attractive, all of him, even the paralyzed part of his body that was different than what it used to be. And Jensen never lied for Jared’s sake. He had always found Jared gorgeous and when he was allowed to see all of him for the first time he was beyond amazed. Even if Jared didn’t think so, Jensen had always thought his boyfriend was the most perfect and handsome man he had ever seen. Jared’s confidence grew with time and today he has absolutely no problem showing off his body, including his legs, which are slightly thinner than normal due to the lack of movement. The whole world has seen him only in his swimsuit when he was competing and there’s not much to hide after that - only the parts that are exclusive to Jensen. It’s nice to see how far Jared has come in accepting his body and not feeling ashamed to show it to others. And what makes Jensen even happier, is knowing that gorgeous body is all his to enjoy completely.

Jared rolls up to where Jensen is standing at the same time Harley comes back with the ball, giving it to him instead of Jensen. Jared laughs as he throws the ball again. “I always knew he liked me better.”

Jensen leans down and tilts Jared’s head up with a finger on his chin, giving him a kiss. “I don’t blame him, you’re hot as damn hell.”

Jared hums into the kiss. “Oh really? Then maybe we should do something to sweat a bit when we get back.”

Jensen pulls away, eyebrows raised. “Let’s get going quick, then!”

Jared chuckles and reaches into the small backpack which always hangs from the low backrest of his chair, coming up with the bottle of Coppertone. “Don’t forget the sunscreen baby, you’ve learned your lesson.” Jensen kneels down beside Jared, who sprays the sunscreen on his arms, neck and face. Jensen always forgets to put it on himself and is ever thankful that Jared always takes care of him. He knows he can turn as red as a tomato with even more freckles if he doesn’t apply the damn stuff. And the sunburn can itch like a motherfucker, so Jensen doesn’t want to go through that again, thank you very much. Jared also hands Jensen his sunglasses, which had been resting on his lap.

When Harley returns again, Jensen clips the leash on him and hands it to Jared, who straps it around his wrist. It’s a special leash that allows Jared to keep his hand free so he can wheel himself as he walks Harley. The dog immediately heads towards the sidewalk and Jensen takes Jared’s free hand so they will follow him. They walk Harley in silence for a while, hand in hand, just enjoying the sunny day. Eventually Jensen takes the leash from Jared and takes off running with Harley, leaving Jared to follow behind them. Jensen enjoys running a lot, he often goes alone in the mornings with or without Harley. Sometimes Jared joins him on his handcycle, which is basically a bicycle designed to be operated with the hands instead of the legs. It looks more like a tricycle actually, since it has two rear wheels and one front wheel. Jared loves to ride it, it’s a great exercise for him and he can keep up with Jensen in it. Jensen himself has tried it several times and he actually likes riding it too.

Jensen runs faster with Harley and increases the distance between them and Jared. He knows Jared doesn’t mind, he’s perfectly content in just wheeling at his own pace especially on a hot day like this while he watches his boys working their asses off. Jensen can run for a good long stretch but today he actually feels short of breath after just a few minutes. It irks him, this has happened a few times lately. He slows down and forces Harley to do the same, taking a few deep breaths to get air into his lungs again. Maybe he’s getting old.

He runs back towards Jared at a slower pace and when he approaches his husband he notices Jared has stopped, chatting with two girls he doesn’t know. Jensen isn’t surprised by it at all. Jared is still well known these days, especially with the growth of social media reaching everyone (Jared has an active Instagram account with thousand of followers) so it’s very common for people to stop him to talk or take a picture with him. Jensen watches from afar how the girls look at him, they’re checking out his exposed arms and chest in appreciation. Jensen actually likes to see how everyone desires Jared, it even turns him on to know that all that gorgeous skin and muscle that everyone wants will always be exclusively his.

When Jensen approaches them Jared smiles up at him and the girls look a bit nervous, but Jensen returns Jared’s easy smile before sending the girls a wink. He notices one of them is holding her phone with the camera app opened, so he asks if they want him to take a picture of them with Jared. The girls instantly relax and hand the phone to Jensen, who takes a nice picture of the three of them. After giving back the phone, the girls thank both of them and pet Harley before walking away.

“You’re getting old but you’re still a stud!” Jensen jokes, causing Jared to chuckle. He rummages into his backpack and comes out with two water bottles, handing one to Jensen, who nods his appreciation.

“Your grandma is old. I’m like fine wine, aging better as I get older,” Jared tells him as he chugs at his bottle, and Jensen watches as a few drops escape to trail down his chin and neck.

“I couldn’t agree more.” Jensen agrees, emerald eyes fixed on a single droplet makes a slow winding path, sliding down Jared’s neck towards his collarbone.

Jared watches Jensen watching him, and he smirks. “Like what you see?”

Jensen hurries to uncap his own bottle and swallows down almost half of it in one go, splashing the rest on his face to cool down a bit. “I think we should head home now.”

Jared laughs and wheels around and together they head back to their home, Jensen taking Harley and holding Jared’s hand as usual. When they enter the house, Harley runs through the house to the backyard to get hydrated and Jensen quickly locks the french doors to keep the dog there for now, he doesn’t want interruptions. He hurries back to the living room where Jared is drinking from a fresh water bottle. Jensen doesn’t stop as he grabs the bottle and sets it aside and Jared smirks knowingly as Jensen sits on his lap so forcefully his chair rolls backwards a bit as Jensen holds his face between his hands, kissing him hard and passionately. Jared reciprocates, clutching Jensen’s shirt and bringing him closer. Jensen moves down from Jared’s mouth and kisses a wet trail down his jaw and the side of his neck. Jared tastes salty from sweat and Jensen loves when he tastes like this, pure Jared.

“God Jay,” Jensen murmurs as he pulls Jared’s hair and lifts his head, sucking a spot on his neck. “Do you have any idea how hot you are? I saw those girls watching you. They wanted you so bad, you know that right?” Jared just murmurs, and Jensen goes on. “I almost got hard watching that, how they desired you, but I knew you were all mine. Only mine.”

Jensen pulls back to look into Jared’s eyes, who nods and whispers, “Only yours.”

Jensen kisses him again, reaching between them, grabbing the hem of Jared’s tank top and pulling it over his head, throwing it to the side. He leans down and licks Jared’s collarbone, which is still glistening with sweat. “Knowing I’m the only one who gets to do this. The only one who knows what you taste like.”

Jared’s pupils are dilated as he reaches to take off Jensen’s shirt as well, immediately leaning over to plant a kiss on the rosary tattoo Jensen has on his chest as he always does before staring at Jensen again. “Well, this body here is yours alone to enjoy. You can do whatever you want.”

Jensen smiles and his heart swells with the amount of trust Jared has in him. He always allows Jensen to do whatever he wants with him because Jared knows that Jensen would never hurt him and will always make sure he enjoys it as well. And it’s true. Jensen would rather die before doing anything to hurt Jared.

“I can do whatever I want, huh?” Jensen asks, lifting an eyebrow.

“You know you can. Are you sure you don’t want us to take a shower first? We’re sweating and gross right now,” Jared chuckles.

Jensen shakes his head and to prove his point he licks Jared’s chest between his nipples. “Hell no! I want to taste you just like this. If we shower right now it will take away half of the fun. I love tasting pure you.” Jensen takes Jared’s hand and brings it between their bodies, placing it over his already hard dick. “This is what that fucking tank top of yours does to me.”

Jared makes an attempt of unbuttoning Jensen’s shorts to take care of it, but Jensen stops him. “Not yet, my boy. We’re gonna use that later.”

Jared swallows hard, bringing Jensen’s face closer until their foreheads are touching. “Make it sooner, please.”

Jensen gives him a mischievous smile. “Your wish is my command.” He leans down and captures a nipple in his mouth, licking around it and then sucking it hard, while playing with the other using his thumb and finger, causing Jared to arch his back and moan. Since Jared doesn’t have sensations on his lower body, they’ve discovered just how much other parts of him are ultra sensitive to compensate. Jensen knows that Jared’s nipples are one of his most sensitive areas, so he loves to explore them and has mastered the art of teasing and torturing them over the years (they may have a small collection of nipple clamps). He takes extra care of the nipple in his mouth before moving to the other, giving it the same treatment. Jared’s chest rises quickly as his breathing becomes more erratic.

When he’s done with that, Jensen gets up from Jared’s lap and his husband just watches him, waiting to see what Jensen wants to do. That trust only serves to turn Jensen on even more. He locks the brakes on Jared’s chair and puts his hands on Jared’s waist, bringing him forward to the edge of the chair’s seat. Jared holds onto his wheels to stay balanced as Jensen takes his legs out of the footplate and places them on the floor after removing his sneakers and socks.

Jensen kneels down in front of Jared and reaches for the hem of his shorts, unbuttoning and unzipping them. Jared lifts his butt so Jensen can take them off, and he brings his boxers as well. Jensen tosses the items aside and takes a moment to look at Jared, who is looking down at him. His dick grows even harder in his pants just with the sight of Jared. He is a true piece of art, every inch of him. Leave it to Jared to make even a wheelchair look sexy, because he manages to do just that. Jensen often likes to make out with Jared like this while he is in his chair, not only because he wants Jared to always see how Jensen desires him like he is, but Jensen honestly finds Jared hot as hell in it. Sue him.

He spreads Jared’s legs on the floor and gets between them, his face close to Jared’s groin. His dick is limp but that’s normal, since Jared has no feeling below his torso it’s not easy for him to have an erection the normal way. Over the years, they have learned techniques to make Jared hard and nowadays it takes much less time than it did in the beginning, they just have to do it right. They don’t do that every time they have sex, since Jensen is the one who tops more often than not. But they do it sometimes to change things up a bit and honestly Jensen just also really loves to suck Jared’s dick, which is what he wants to do now. It took a while for Jensen to gather enough courage to ask Jared if he could suck his dick, thinking it would pretty much only be pleasurable for Jensen since Jared wouldn’t be able to feel a damn thing, and he had been dying to do it. But Jared surprised Jensen by encouraging him to do it as Jared gets his pleasure from watching what Jensen is doing to him.

So Jensen works on Jared’s body the right way until his dick comes to life, and he smiles. “Hey Little Jay, ready to play?” Jared chuckles and Jensen comes closer, holding Jared’s cock as he wraps his lips around it. It doesn’t taste salty from sweat like the other parts of Jared that Jensen had been playing with simply because Jared doesn’t sweat on the paralyzed part of his body. But it tastes just as awesome and as Jensen sucks he holds still as Jared holds onto his wheels and lifts his hips. With the leverage of his feet planted on the floor he thrusts forward, burying his dick deeper into Jensen’s mouth. That’s how Jared likes to participate when Jensen is sucking him, by using his upper body strength to move his hips and set the pace as Jensen does it.

Jensen locks his gaze with Jared’s as his dick bounces against the back of his throat, and Jared’s eyes are half closed, watching Jensen’s lips wrapped around him. Jensen gives him a small nod, and Jared pulls back until his dick is half out of Jensen’s mouth, then Jared thrusts forward again. Jared fucks Jensen’s mouth in his own way, their eyes never leaving each other. Jensen is so hard in his pants it’s getting painful, but taking care of that will come later. Jared sits back on the chair and Jensen massages his balls, stimulating them as he sucks harder, circling his tongue over the mushroom head. Jared places a hand on the back of Jensen’s hair as he strokes Jared hard, sucking at the tip until Jared manages to come a small load. It’s not often that Jared is able to come even if he gets hard, so it’s always a small victory when he is able to do it. Jensen smiles at Jared, who’s smiling back at him, and he sucks Jared until he goes limp again against his tongue. He gets back up, not bothering to wipe his mouth and kisses Jared passionately, allowing his husband to taste himself, since it’s always a surprise to be able to do so.

“You have the best taste in the world,” Jensen whispers into Jared’s mouth.

“Only when it’s combined with yours,” Jared murmurs in response and Jensen has had enough. He asks Jared to hold onto him and Jensen puts his hands under Jared’s thighs, lifting him up. Jared wraps his arms around Jensen’s bare torso and buries his face in his neck, sucking on it softly. Jensen carries him to the front of their fireplace where there’s a fluffy carpet placed strategically there. He lies Jared on it and kneels on top of him, holding his hands above his head and leaning down to kiss him again.

“Now Little Jen is ready to play,” Jensen murmurs against Jared’s skin. Jared gives a slight snort at the nickname. Jensen is not little by any means.

“Well, then someone is a little overdressed here.” Jared frees his hands from Jensen’s grip and reaches between them, finally unbuttoning his shorts and pushing them down a little. “Come on stud, take them off!”

Jensen complies and pushes his shorts and boxers down his thighs, kicking them the rest of the way off. Jensen doesn’t want to wait since they’ve played enough already and he’s not gonna be able to hold back much longer, so he picks up a cushion and places it under Jared’s hips for better access, then reaches inside the fireplace where they secretly keep a bottle of lube for occasions like this - hey it’s summer and it’s not like they’re _using_ the fireplace - and he coats his fingers with it. Jared holds up a hand and Jensen takes it, helping him into a half-sitting position. He keeps one arm behind him for support and offers his other hand to Jensen, who coats his fingers as well. Jensen bends one of Jared’s legs to the side and inserts a finger slowly inside him.

“Look at you, so tight and hot. I love it,” Jensen says, smiling at Jared. He always talks to Jared when he’s doing something he can’t feel, so Jared is always a part of it.

“Well, hurry up then!” Jared demands, and Jensen chuckles as he works a finger inside him, quickly removing it partially so Jared can add his own finger inside himself alongside Jensen’s, and together they work to get Jared opened, with Jared himself adding a third finger. Jensen knows it’s one of Jared’s favorite parts, when they open him up together. It’s very intimate and Jensen loves that connection too.

When they’re done, Jensen throws Jared’s leg over his shoulder, lining his cock up with Jared’s pink hole. Jared reaches out with his hand, touching his hole as they always do, so he can feel Jensen penetrating him.

“You’re always so tight and perfect around me, my boy. Like your body was made to receive mine.”

Jared nods, keeping their gaze locked. “Hurry, please.”

Jensen smiles, knowing what Jared is asking for. He wants to feel Jensen. So Jensen slides himself in, slowly inching deeper into his lover, until his cock is all the way inside Jared. Making sure it’s safe and it won’t unknowingly hurt Jared, Jensen pulls his dick almost all the way out and with one quick move he pushes back inside, thrusting hard into his prostate. When Jared moans and smiles, Jensen knows he has felt it. Jared takes his hand away from their joined bodies and places it down on the carpet to enjoy their lovemaking. Jensen leans over Jared, thrusting into him again and again, always at the same angle to make sure Jared is feeling it. Ever since that first time, years ago, when Jared regained a little bit of sensation in some areas of his lower body and they tried to have sex to see if Jared would be able to feel it and he actually did, their lovemaking sessions have been amazing. It was an unexpected connection they gained, and it’s truly incredible to know that Jared is actually able to feel Jensen inside him. That was something that pained Jensen every time they had sex, knowing that Jared would never be able to feel him inside his body, so gaining back some sensation was beyond fantastic, and neither of them have ever taken it for granted. Even after all this time, Jensen’s biggest pleasure is the look on Jared’s face when he finally feels Jensen inside him. Jensen always makes sure he catches it because to him, it’s the best part. Jared being able to feel him is what matters the most.

Jensen kisses Jared hard as he pounds into him, jolting his body and pushing him deeper into the carpet, both of their bodies sweating as they pant. Jensen places a hand on Jared’s waist and squeezes it softly, causing Jared to whimper. The area on Jared’s body where his sensation ends and his paralysis begins is actually the most sensitive area, and Jensen has also learned how to touch him exactly right there so Jared can feel a wave of pleasure. His back arches and Jensen captures a rock hard nipple in his mouth again, sucking it as he pounds into Jared one last time, burying himself as deep as he will go, his come filling up Jared’s channel. He thrusts until his dick feels limp, then collapses on Jared’s chest, both of them locked in a tight embrace for a while until their breaths even out and they finally cool down.

Jared kisses Jensen’s forehead, squeezing him even tighter. “That was amazing. Thank you for that.”

Jensen looks up and plants a sweet kiss on Jared’s swollen mouth. “Your pleasure is my pleasure, my dear. Plus that tank top should be illegal, I hope you know that.”

Jared laughs, and Jensen feels his chest vibrating under him. He always loves to feel Jared’s body like this. He knows they should probably get up soon, they’re sweating and sticky, but they can wait a little longer. Jensen is in his favorite place in the world.

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, leave me a comment telling me what you're thinking of this! I love nothing more than to receive you guys' feedback, and all the comments I got on the first fic are a huge reason why this verse became this long!
> 
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> [Jared's handcycle](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/fNHvTBRdTnc/maxresdefault.jpg)


	2. Chapter 2

 

_**Jared** _

Jared stays in place for a while, with Jensen lying on his chest. The love making session they had was amazing, as it always is, but today was inexplicably better. When they have sex both of them are usually gentle, however Jared also loves when Jensen is in a possessive frame of mind and gets a bit rough on him. It’s a thrilling feeling knowing just how much Jensen desires him and his heart and mind spark with the knowledge that he just can’t take his hands off Jared.

Jared hugs Jensen tighter and hears his husband sighing. Sometimes Jared can’t believe he’s actually so happy, that he was so fortunate. There was a time, a dark time, when he thought he would never be happy again, that nobody could ever love him - really, truly love _him_. There was a time when he would have given anything to be able to walk again.

Not anymore though. Jensen is the best thing that Jared could have ever asked for, he’s the other half of his soul, and he’s made the past thirteen years the happiest they could ever be. They’ve been living an amazing life together and Jared would never change that for anything. Not even if he was given the option to walk again in exchange for Jensen. If by any crazy chance he was offered a miracle treatment on the other side of the world that would last a long time but Jensen couldn’t go with him, Jared would never take it. Jensen is the most precious thing in Jared’s world, and nothing is more important than him. Everything he is today, Jared owes it to Jensen.

And after a few rocky moments early in their relationship as they grew and matured into lives forever altered since that September day, now Jared has no lingering doubts of Jensen’s love for him. He was finally able to understand over time that Jensen truly loves him exactly as he is, that he wouldn’t leave Jared for any able-bodied guy. Jared used to be terrified of this happening, worried that Jensen eventually would realize that having a relationship with a paraplegic guy was too high-maintenance. Jensen proved him wrong every time those thoughts took root. It finally dawned on Jared that the reason Jensen stuck around was the most simple one of all: love. Jared was able to understand that Jensen loved him - and only him. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t walk. Jared tried to imagine if their situations were reversed, if he had walked away physically unharmed from the attack to later find Jensen again and learn that he was now bound to a wheelchair. And Jared just knew that he would have wanted Jensen no matter what, in any shape he was in, it wouldn’t have made any difference to Jared because it was _Jensen_. That’s when everything fell into place and he was able to start relaxing.

That’s not to say their lives are without some difficulties. Their relationship isn’t like one between two able-bodied people, so they’re constantly adapting. But not once in all these many years has Jensen given any indication that Jared’s disability bothered him. Even when Jared was in the hospital years ago, after breaking up with Jensen during a falling out and having a bad urinary infection that could have killed him, Jensen was by his side and saw him through it. Jared’s paraplegia is just a part of their lives and it has become a natural thing that both of them deal with. It’s not easy as Jared still deals with intense pain, infection flare-ups and a lot of other complications that are caused by a spinal cord injury. Never has Jensen wavered, always by Jared’s side when things get rough. Because of him, because of _them_ , Jared can say he’s truly 100% happy.

After a short rest they decide to get up off the carpet and go get cleaned up. Jensen gets up only slightly grumpily at losing their warm cocooned state and runs to their en suite bathroom to get a bath ready for them. He comes back and carries Jared to the tub. Jared is all sweaty and sticky with Jensen’s come leaking out of his ass and he doesn’t want to get his wheelchair dirty, thank you very much - they already have to clean the carpet. They share a nice relaxing bath in their big tub, tailor made to comfortably accommodate the big dudes they both are. They make out some more until the water turns cold, nuzzling and kissing and letting their hands roam. As Jared dries himself sitting on the wide ledge of the tub, Jensen goes to the living room to collect his chair for him. Once they’re both dry and dressed, they decide to continue being lazy by moving to the couch to watch a movie and munch on popcorn.

When the movie ends, Jensen turns off the TV and turns to Jared, a sudden serious look on his face.

“Baby…” Jensen starts, playing with Jared’s fingers. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Jared frowns, from the look on Jensen’s face he knows it’s serious and he’s instantly nervous. Jared wonders if Jensen will tell him he can’t come to Toronto with him. Jensen has always accompanied Jared to the Paralympic and Parapan Am games he went to before, as well as some other competitions when he was able to. Jared would be sad if Jensen told him he can’t come this time, but he would understand. Jensen has a busy life, too.

“What’s up, Jen?”

Jensen looks up at Jared and swallows hard, pursing his lips. “Look, before I say it, feel free to say no, okay? We’re a team and we will only do things that both of us agree with, that will work for us. It’s just an idea.”

Jared’s frown deepens and he’s feeling more curious by the minute. “Okay baby, just tell me!”

“I’ve been thinking…” Jensen twists Jared’s wedding band around his finger as he takes a deep breath. “What if we adopted a child?”

Jared stays silent for several moments, staring at Jensen and processing what he has just said. “You… you want us to adopt a child?”

Jensen nods timidly and shrugs. “Well, yeah. I know it’s a lot, a major change. But just… think about it. Our lives are so special together, I think it would be awesome if we had a kid to add to our family. Plus, it would be a chance to give a future to a child.”

Jared keeps quiet, looking away and biting the inside of his cheek, thinking about what Jensen just said. He would be lying if he said this thought has never crossed his own mind. Jared loves kids and it would be really great to have one of their own. But he also has his insecurities, sometimes it’s hard enough to take care of himself, let alone a kid. He feels foolish for feeling this way but he doesn’t want to hide it from Jensen either. They have always been 100% honest with each other.

“Jen, I…” He starts, looking down at their joined hands. “I think it’s mostly a great idea, but…”

Jared trails off and Jensen insists. “But what, baby? Tell me what’s on your mind.”

Jared shrugs with one shoulder. “Don’t be mad, but I’m not sure I would be able to take care of a child properly, that’s all.”

Jensen puts a finger under Jared’s chin and lifts his face, making Jared look at him. “Jay, come on. I thought you were over this. You’re fully capable of doing anything from your wheelchair, including raising a child.”

Jared still feels unsure, he has been a paraplegic for almost fourteen years and during this time he has relearned to do everything from a wheelchair, how to adapt to every situation and how to live his life the best way possible. Jared knows he’s completely independent and can do anything he sets his mind to but it doesn’t mean he still doesn’t have insecurities even after all this time. Being a father is one of them, one he has never voiced to anyone, not even Jensen. He doesn’t say anything in response and Jensen readjusts himself on the couch, placing a hand on Jared’s shoulder and looking intensely at him.

“Baby, look. I understand why you would feel nervous about it, it’s a huge thing to consider. But Jay, you’re amazing with kids and you know it. Just look at J.D. and Anne, they fucking adore you.”

Jared knows Jensen is right about that. He thinks about both of them and can’t help but smile. Jared and Jensen saved J.D.’s mom, Becky, from the WTC when she was pregnant with him, and only a few years later they found her again and met little J.D. He was named after Jared, because Becky wanted to honor her savior - she didn’t know Jensen’s name at the time - and the first time they met the little boy, both Jensen and he were instantly in love. Becky and her husband David actually became close friends with them after that meeting and they were able to watch J.D. grow. The boy loves his uncles just as much as they love him, and when he was old enough to know the story behind the day and circumstances through which he was born, including the part Jared and Jensen played in it, where he learned the fact that Jared can’t walk _because_ he was there saving them, his love for Jared and Jensen grew even bigger. Jared considers J.D. his real nephew and has always been great with him.

And then there’s Anne, Chad and Danni’s daughter. She is six years old and Jared loves her almost like his own daughter. Anne is an amazing little girl, beautiful like her mother but with some traces of Chad. Jared is Anne’s godfather and she’s his little princess. Ever since she was a few months old, he and Jensen have babysat her often. They get along wonderfully. Anne simply adores Jared, she’s always fascinated with the “bike” he rides all the time - she even asked Chad for one for herself once - and Jared always manages to take care of her without any problems, even when Jensen isn’t with him. The look on Jared’s face thinking about his two little rascals tells Jensen all he needs to know.

“See, baby? You know I’m right. You’ve always been great with both of them. You know how to adapt like a pro. You would make an amazing father. Plus, we would be a team. We’re in this together helping each other, like with everything else. And also you know my mom and dad would love to be around to help as well.”

Jared smiles at that. Donna and Alan moved to Brooklyn a few years ago after their retirement. All three of their kids were living in different states and they decided to leave Texas to go live close to at least one of them. Jensen always jokes that they chose NY for Jared, not Jensen, and often bitches that his own parents love Jared more than him. Alan and Donna love their grandchildren as well and Jared knows it saddens them that they’re not around all the time. Donna has hinted more than once that she would love to have grandkids who live close to them, so Jared knows they would be on board with the idea. Plus, he knows their friends would all love to help whenever needed. They have a village ready and waiting to bestow such love on a child.

So Jared nods. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. To be honest, I’d love to be a real father, not just an uncle to our friends or your sibling’s kids. I have actually thought about this before but I wasn’t sure about it. Dwelling on my own shortcomings and all. But hearing you talk it through with me and reminding me of the positive possibilities, makes me feel like it’s a great idea. We _can_ do this.”

Jensen lights up at that, giving Jared a blinding smile that Jared can’t help but to reciprocate. “Really Jay? Oh my god, that’s awesome! We’re gonna be amazing parents!”

As excited as Jared does feel about the idea too, he needs to ensure they are being realistic. “I agree, baby. But you need to know that it’s not gonna be easy for us to adopt a kid. It’s a long complicated process. It can take months, years even. And for us it will be even harder. We are a gay couple and I have a disability, a very obvious one. We just need to be aware of what we’re getting into, it may be frustrating.”

Jensen links the fingers of one hand in Jared’s and smiles, running the back of his index finger down Jared’s cheek. “I know. I’m aware it won’t be easy at all, the process will be long but I’m ready for it if you are. What do you say?”

Jared leans his face towards Jensen’s hand, and kisses his palm. “We’re in it together, Jen. We can start doing research once we’re back from Toronto.” Jared pauses to stare at his husband for a moment. “We’re gonna be amazing parents, aren’t we?”

Jensen pulls Jared closer and wraps his arms around him, holding tight. Jared clings back as they share a moment. Then Jensen plants a sweet kiss on Jared’s temple. “You can be sure about that.”

*

On Sunday, they have a barbecue at their place to celebrate Jared’s 39th birthday. All of their friends attend, as well as Jensen’s parents of course. The house is packed just as Jared likes it - lots of joy and laughter and love. During the first few years after becoming a paraplegic, Jared didn’t feel comfortable being around too many people, he didn’t like being the center of attention for all the wrong reasons, the only one who was different. But those thoughts have changed over time, too. Jared has always been a people person and while he still doesn’t feel too at ease around strangers, he cherishes times when he’s around his loved ones. Plus his swimmer buddies are in attendance as well, all of them having disabilities of their own. Some are paralyzed just like Jared which makes him feel more at ease since he’s not the only one who’s different or stands out.

Jared didn’t realize how crucial it was for him to be in touch with people who share his fate, who understand what he goes through like nobody else can, not even Jensen. Discovering adaptive swimming and finding such support helped Jared tremendously in his recovery and self-acceptance. At first Jensen was jealous of Jared’s new friendships, Devon in particular, who became a very close friend to Jared. It took time and many discussions for Jared to show Jensen just how important this was for him, to be around people who are like him and not feel like the only one in the world who was different before Jensen finally understood. Today, Jensen fully supports those friendships, many of them became Jensen’s friends as well for which Jared is thankful. It brought Jensen in to Jared’s new world even more and in a way, it pulled them ever closer.

The barbecue is in full swing as Jared tries to find time to talk to everyone while his mind is going a mile a minute. They all want to hear about the upcoming trip to Toronto for the Parapan, but Jared also can’t stop thinking about what he and Jensen discussed just yesterday. He doesn’t want to share it with everyone yet, it’s too soon, but he does want to talk to someone.

When he finds a little time to get something to eat, he wheels to a table where Chad is sitting with Anne, making sure she’s eating her lunch. Jared takes his plate from his lap and puts in on the table, at the same time that Anne gets up and hurries to his side.

“Uncle Jay!” She yells, and Jared smiles as he picks her up and sits her on his lap, which she loves. Chad snorts and moves her plate to where she is now, so she can continue eating.

“Hey princess! Is your daddy taking care of you? Where’s mommy?”

Anne points to where Danneel is at, talking to Sandy. Jared likes to see how Chad takes good care of Anne, he was a bit worried at first when they announced Danneel was pregnant. The two were already married, they were a natural fit but his friend was never known to be the most responsible person on the planet. Jared had faith in him though. Chad really surprised Jared after the WTC attack. Jared had no family to go to so Chad stepped up and did everything to help him. He even moved to a wheelchair friendly house so Jared could have a functional place to live. He stood by Jared’s side through his hardest times, and maybe that helped with Chad’s maturity. So when Anne came along, Chad proved to be a very good father and Jared is so proud of him.

When Anne finishes eating, she climbs down Jared’s lap and goes after J.D. - she might have a crush on him and Jared will keep an eye on that - and Chad turns to him.

“Jaybird, what’s up? You seem worried, is it because of the games?”

Jared eats his food as he slowly forms his thoughts before answering Chad. He knows he looks tense. “That, and there’s something else too. Don’t tell anyone yet please, but Jensen and I were talking yesterday… he suggested we adopt a child.”

Jared waits for Chad’s reaction, relaxing slightly as his friend smiles, his eyes widening in surprise. “Whoa Jare, that’s awesome! What did you say to him, do you want that?”

Jared nods. “Yeah, in fact I do, Chad. To be honest I’ve thought about it before. I mean, I love kids, it’s awesome to have Anne, J.D. and my nephews, but I’ve always wanted to have my own child, you know? I want to be a father too. I’ve never said anything to Jensen because I did feel insecure about my own abilities in raising a child.” Chad opens his mouth to protest, but Jared holds up a hand. “I’ve been through this with Jensen yesterday. I know it seems silly but I can’t help it. We’ve talked though, and he convinced me I would make a good father, especially based on how I get along so well with other kids in our lives. So yeah, I actually want that, very much. It won’t be easy though, adoption is hard enough, add to the mix a gay couple where one of them is disabled. I don’t want to share this with anyone else just yet, because I don’t know how hard it’s gonna be, but I do know it can be frustrating as fuck. I just hope we can do it.”

Chad studies Jared for a moment, then reaches out and places a hand on his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. “It’s gonna be alright, Jare. I’m not gonna say it will be easy but if there’s a strong couple out there meant to have kids, that’s you and Jensen. I know you guys will fight anyone and anything to have your child. It’s gonna be fine and you know you can count on us for anything: recommendation letters, kicking asses, you name it!”

Jared chuckles, and nods his thanks to his friend. “I appreciate that a lot, man.”

“Hey, I’m just interested in Anne having a new friend to play with!”

Both of them laugh and change the subject as Danni approaches them carrying Anne. Jared feels relieved that he and Jensen can count on their friends, not that he had any doubt.

When everybody is gathered to sing Happy Birthday to Jared, he can’t help but smile. There’s a giant chocolate cake, homemade by Donna, exactly the way he likes it with thick creamy frosting. Jensen stays beside him as they all sing for him and Jared’s heart warms up looking out at everyone who is gathered here for him. He can’t believe he’s 39 already, it feels like it was just yesterday when he was 25 and his life took a drastic turn. At the time, he didn’t see a future for himself. For a long time he thought his life was over, that there was no hope, only darkness. But life turned out to be much greater than he could have ever imagined and Jared has reasons to be thankful now, especially when he feels Jensen’s warm hand on his shoulder. He looks up and smiles at his husband, who smiles right back at him, a look of adoration on his face. Jared is lost looking at him for a few seconds, admiring the warmth and love that’s there. He is in his forties, looking better and better as the years pass. Jensen is the most gorgeous guy Jared has ever met and sometimes he still can’t believe how he got so lucky.

As Jared prepares to blow out the candles, Jensen leans down and whispers in his ear, “Make a wish, baby.”

On his first birthday in the wheelchair, when Jensen and Chad organized a party for him, instead of wishing he was able to walk again, Jared had wished for Jensen to stay. On every birthday that followed that one, Jared has wished for the same thing.

He wishes for Jensen to stay. Because that’s all Jared needs. And as he blows out the candles, Jared wonders if they will have a new addition to their family for his 40th birthday.

Jared hopes so.

  **To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the nice comments on the first chapters! Please keep telling me what you think about this sequel! I know I've been quite nice on these first couple of chapters,, but I promise that will change soon because it wouldn't be me if everything was all roses. 
> 
> I'm traveling to the US for 10 days soon but I plan to post one more chapter before I go! and I hope you enjoyed this one too, let me know!


	3. Chapter 3

_**Jensen** _

On Monday morning despite their tiredness from the weekend’s party, Jared and Jensen go for an early run with Harley before work. Jensen feels happy; they had an amazing time yesterday celebrating Jared’s birthday with all their friends. It’s something Jared and Jensen do every year, making sure to celebrate fully. After everything they went through, after nearly losing their lives - and believing each other was dead for months - it’s very important for them to commemorate another year of life. They usually throw a big party for Jared because everyone they know wants to attend. It makes Jensen genuinely happy to see how everyone adores Jared. Jensen has often thought his own parents might even love Jared more than him - not that he could blame them.

Now there’s the whole prospect of adoption before them. Jensen chose not to talk to anyone about it just yet, it’s much too soon and he wants to wait until they have at least started the process to talk to his parents and maybe Chris. Jared had let Jensen know before they went to bed last night that he had spoken to Chad about it at the party. It didn’t surprise Jensen at all. Jared needed to share and Jensen assumed he would want to talk to someone else about it, so who better than his dearest friend. It’s okay though, Jensen trusts Chad to keep it a secret for now. Jared said that Chad was really supportive, offering help with whatever they needed, for which Jensen is grateful. He knows they can count on their close friends to go through this long journey with them. Jensen is excited to really start the process after they return from Toronto. It won’t be easy and as Jared said, they have some factors that work “against” them - which is total bullshit in Jensen’s opinion - but he’s so ready to tackle those concerns and prove how very ready and able they are. He’s determined to have a new addition to their family sooner rather than later.

Jared joins Jensen in his handcycle for their run today. They usually run for a few miles nonstop but not too long after they’ve started Jensen has to stop because he just can’t breathe. He leans forward and places his hands on his knees, lowering his head and taking deep breaths, trying to get air into his lungs. Jared tries to get closer to him, however in his handcycle he’s closer to the ground since the seat is lower than his wheelchair and he reaches out to touch Jensen’s thigh.

“Jen, what’s happening?”

Jensen opens his eyes - he didn’t even realize he had closed them - and looks down at Jared’s worried face. He opens his mouth to talk but that’s when a coughing fit starts. Jensen coughs until his chest is on fire and his throat hurts, feeling Jared squeezing his thigh. He wants to tell his husband he is okay but he can’t stop coughing long enough to form a few words. Jensen waits until it’s over, ready to cough up a lung by the time it subdues a bit. He straightens his body and arches his aching back, trying to clear his throat as he feels tears streaming down his face from the exertion.

“Jen?” Jensen looks down again and finds Jared holding up a water bottle for him, which he gladly accepts. Jensen drinks half of it in one long gulp, the cool liquid helping to soothe his burning throat. He uses a bit of water to wash the tear tracks from his face and finally looks down at Jared.

“Thanks, baby.”

Jared has a deep frown on his face. “Jen what was that, are you coming down with something?”

Jensen just shakes his head. “Don’t know, let’s just go back home Jay, I’m really worn out.”

Jared nods, still a worried expression on his face and turns the handcycle around. They head home at a much slower pace. When they reach their house they go directly to the backyard where Harley runs to get hydrated while Jared transfers back to his wheelchair. The two of them are barely inside before Jensen collapses on the couch. Jared follows behind him, positioning his chair directly in front of him, their knees touching. He takes Jensen’s hand in concern, a deep frown still etched on his forehead.

“Baby, I’m worried about you. It’s not the first time you’ve been short of breath lately and don’t even pretend this is the first time you’ve had such a coughing fit.”

Jensen groans, he knows Jared is right, he has been feeling very off lately. He just can’t catch his breath sometimes - especially when he goes for a run - and that has never happened before. And what is even more worrisome is it happens sometimes when he’s not doing anything that requires effort at all. Jensen has had some serious coughing fits too, he thought he’d be able to hide that fact from Jared but of course his husband caught it. He brushes it off anyway.

“Jay, it’s nothing. Just getting old I think, maybe I’m catching a cold or something.”

Jared raises an eyebrow, puts on his patented ‘don’t bullshit me’ expression and Jensen knows he’s not gonna let this go. “Jen, please. You should go see a doctor about this.”

Jensen shakes his head. _Hell no_. “Jay come on, it’s just a cough. I’ll take some cough syrup, make sure I rest up and I’ll be fine in no time.”

At that, Jared gives him his puppy dog eyes and Jensen just knows he’s fucked. He cannot resist them and his husband knows it. “Please, baby. We’re traveling soon and I want you to be okay. Just go for a check up to see if everything really is fine. It probably is just a cold, we just want to be sure. You know I worry about you, so just humor me on this, ok?”

Jensen lets out a deep breath and rolls his eyes. “Fine! I’ll go, but only because it’s so important to you. You’ll see Jay, it’s really nothing!”

Jared places a hand behind Jensen’s neck and pulls him forward, planting a soft tender kiss on his lips. “That’s what I'm counting on.”

*

Two days later Jensen finally goes to see the doctor. He had kind of hoped Jared would forget about it altogether but of course his husband didn’t leave him alone about it until he scheduled an appointment. It didn’t help that he had another coughing fit right in front of Jared again. _Damn it._ Jensen is sure it’s nothing major, he’s positive the doctor will prescribe some pills to help the coughing and congestion he’s sure is behind the breathing problems. He will be just fine by the time he and Jared go to Toronto.

Jared doesn’t go to the doctor with him since he has an important meeting with the Parapans committee and today was the only day his doctor had availability to see him. So he goes alone. While he’s in the waiting room he takes a picture of it and fires it off to Jared to prove he’s indeed about to see the doctor. Jared answers with a thumbs up and a kissing face emoji just as Jensen is called in. Jensen greets Dr. Cohen and sits down to talk to him. The doctor lectures him since it has been a long time since Jensen even had a routine physical and Jensen has the decency to look ashamed. He always meant to come sooner, life was just always too busy and he kept putting it off until later. He’s here now only due to Jared’s insistence.

“I’ve been feeling out of sorts for a while, Doc.” Jensen responds when Dr. Cohen asks Jensen what’s brought him in today. “It’s like I’m always short of breath lately and that has never happened before. I could run for miles nonstop and now it’s like I can’t even go for one mile straight without pausing to catch my breath. I’ve also been having deep coughing fits, leaving me feeling like my lungs are on fire. Jared, my husband, has been bugging me to come see what’s happening when I’m sure it’s nothing major and I needed to humor him. So here I am.”

The doctor shakes his head. “You know you should have come in for a checkup even if your husband didn’t bug you to come. I’m glad he did though because we need to figure out what’s really going on with you.” Dr. Cohen checks his vitals, then uses his stethoscope to listen to Jensen’s lungs and get some deep breathing responses. He then orders Jensen to have a chest X-ray taken before they go over the findings.

Jensen goes down to another floor to do that and once it’s done, he waits until the X-ray is ready and Dr. Cohen calls him back inside. When Jensen enters the room, the doctor is taking a close look at the X-ray and he’s frowning.

“Everything okay, Doc?” Jensen asks, cocking his head to the side, his heart beating a bit faster.

The doctor purses his lips. “I think I want you to get a CT scan done, Jensen.”

Jensen frowns and leans forward, with his elbows on the table. “What’s wrong?”

Dr. Cohen smiles kindly at him, in that way only doctors know how to do. “I just want to make sure everything is alright. The scan will give me a better image reading than the X-ray. Come with me Jensen, please.”

Feeling nervous, Jensen follows the doctor to another room with the CT scan machine. He has never done this before and he’s dreading it. He was sure there was nothing wrong with him, now he’s not so sure anymore. He changes into a hospital gown and lies down on the machine. Dr. Cohen asks him to stay still as he performs the scan. Jensen hopes his heart, which is beating a mile a minute, isn’t a problem. During the procedure, Jensen thinks of Jared and he hopes he’s actually okay, for his husband’s sake mostly. The whole thing seems to take forever to finish and finally the doctor tells Jensen it’s over. He gets dressed back into his clothes and follows Dr. Cohen to his office.

The doctor has some prints of Jensen’s lungs in front of him and as he studies them, Jensen fidgets. _God please, let me be okay._

“Jensen,” the doctor starts, in a much careful tone and Jensen’s stomach drops. It’s not good, he knows it. Dr. Cohen pushes the images closer to Jensen and makes a circle around a white spot on his lung. “ The CT scan showed a small tumor in your right lung. I can’t tell you for sure what this is and I don’t want to make any assumptions. We’re going to need to perform a biopsy on your lung to determine what we are dealing with here.”

Jensen stares at the doctor, he feels numb as only one thing comes to his mind. “Could it…” He tries to find his voice to say the word but it sounds foreign in his ears. It comes out lower than it should. “Could it be cancer?” Jensen’s throat closes up just by saying the word.

Dr. Cohen purses his lips. “As I said, I can’t tell you for sure yet, Jensen. We need to have the biopsy done to know exactly so I’m going to have you scheduled for Monday. I know that’s rather quick but we don’t want to waste time. It takes a few days for the pathology results to come back. Then we can discuss what treatment options you’ll need and determine a path forward.”

Jensen nods in quiet agreement, not really registering what the doctor is saying. He has a tumor in his lung and that’s the only thought on his mind right now. With his silence, the doctor places a hand on his forearm.

“Jensen, I know it’s gonna be hard to wait. It seems impossible but at least try not to focus on the worst case scenario here until we know for sure what’s happening. Once we do, then we will discuss the next steps, depending on what this tumor is. Remember - it could be completely benign. Go home now and try to get some rest, don’t exert yourself. Come back on Monday morning and we get the biopsy done.”

He writes out some instructions for prior to the biopsy, including not eating or drinking for at least eight hours before it. Jensen takes the papers the doctor gives him and leaves the clinic, his mind a total blank. He gets into his car but he can’t bring himself to start it, he just stares ahead thinking about what the doctor just told him.

He has a tumor in his lung. It may be cancer. If it is cancer, what is he gonna do? How is he gonna tell Jared?

Jensen finally forces himself to start the car and drive home, doing it on autopilot. He should go to work but he honestly can’t right now, there’s no way he’s gonna be able to focus on anything else today. When he arrives home, he fires off a text to his secretary letting her know he’s not feeling too good and will be back tomorrow. When he enters the house, Harley greets him and he absently pats his head. Jared isn’t home yet, thank God. Jensen needs some time to recover and pull himself back together from the appointment before he can face his husband.

He decides he won’t focus on the upcoming biopsy and the fact that he may have something deathly evil growing inside him. As Dr. Cohen said, he shouldn’t focus on the worst thing before he knows for sure what’s what. So he decides to keep himself busy until Jared arrives, organizing some things in their office and cooking dinner for them, which is his favorite thing to do to pass the time. He also wonders how he’s gonna tell Jared he may or may not have cancer. Is there even a right way to say something like that?

As he hears Jared’s car pulling up the driveway his heart starts beating a mile a minute. He tries to focus on his cooking as he waits for the few minutes it takes for Jared to assemble his chair, transfer to it and wheel inside. Harley trots to the front door to wait for Jared to get in and Jensen hears his husband’s sweet voice as he greets their dog, then the very faint swooshing noise of Jared’s wheels on the wood floor coming towards the kitchen. Jensen takes a deep breath and turns around to face Jared, his eyes bright and smile blinding as he makes eye contact with his husband.

“Hey gorgeous!” Jared exclaims as he rolls closer.

Jensen forces himself to keep smiling back as he closes the small distance between them with a couple of steps, leaning down to kiss Jared. “Hey baby, how was the meeting?”

Jared lights up even more at that, telling Jensen all about it: how the prospects for the Parapan games are awesome and how everyone is so excited to go to Toronto, that they have great chances at winning medals. Jensen can’t help but smile for real as he listens to his husband talk about his passion, how full of life he gets.

When he’s done, Jared takes Jensen’s hand and his tone turns more serious. “What about the appointment Jen? What did the doctor say? Are you okay?”

Jensen opens his mouth to let Jared know there’s something he needs to tell him but when he stares into those beautiful hazel eyes, the expectant look on Jared’s face, Jensen knows he can’t. He can’t watch the light in those eyes go out with the news Jensen has, he just can’t. Jared is so excited about the games, he just had a great meeting about it and he’s happy. Jensen won’t ruin that.

Besides, he doesn’t know for sure what the tumor is. It could be benign after all and he knows Jared would only worry endlessly about it until the results came. Jensen doesn’t want that. He wants Jared to focus on planning for the games, he wants Jared to keep his mind on that. So Jensen decides then and there not to say anything yet. He needs to do the biopsy to be sure of what’s happening, so he’s gonna wait. Jared doesn’t need to worry about it now, he has too much on his plate already. No use adding to that when it could turn out to be nothing at all.

Jared is looking up at him expectantly and Jensen closes his mouth, keeping his smile in place. “It was okay baby, he said it’s probably just a virus. I’m getting some routine tests done next week but the doctor is positive it’s nothing to worry about.”

Jensen tries to keep the nonchalant smile on his face, praying that Jared doesn’t pick up on the blatant lie. It kills him to hide something from his husband, he has never done that in thirteen years but he has to. If it does turn out to be something bad, he will deal with it when the time comes. Jared lets out a breath and smiles.

“That’s good, Jen. I’m sure everything will be alright and you’ll be cleared to travel with me. Toronto, here we come!”

That’s what Jensen prays for.

*

The next few days are just awful. Jensen can’t really focus on anything other than his upcoming biopsy and it kills him that he can’t share that with Jared. He feels like an asshole for hiding something so huge from his husband, knowing Jared will go ballistic on him when he finds out but Jensen knows it’s for the best. He can take Jared’s rage when the time comes, right now he needs to keep it a secret so he won’t ruin Jared’s excitement. He has considered telling someone else, maybe Chris or his mother. That idea was dismissed as quickly as it came, neither of them would let Jensen get away with not telling Jared about it. So he sucks it up and keeps it all to himself.

Jared does ask over the next several days why Jensen looks so anxious but he brushes it off saying he’s been busy at work getting everything in order before he goes on vacation, that he’s excited with their upcoming trip. Jared seems to buy it, he’s been very busy himself so Jensen can hide his fidgeting most of the time.

On Monday, Jensen wakes up early - he had barely slept at all - and slowly gets ready for his appointment. The doctor had told him not to eat or drink for eight hours prior to the procedure, so he skips breakfast. Since he had told Jared he was having some tests done his husband doesn’t find it odd when he doesn’t eat anything. Truthfully, Jensen is so nervous he would not have been able to eat even if he was allowed.

Jensen kisses Jared goodbye before driving back to the clinic. His hands are sweaty as he grips the steering wheel, his stomach tied up in knots. Jared’s face fills up his mind during the ride and that’s how he makes it to the clinic in one piece, focusing on something good. When Jensen arrives, he fills out some forms and is directed to a waiting room. He tries to read a magazine but he’s too damn nervous, so he just gives up. After about fifteen minutes he’s called and led to a pre-op room. A nurse welcomes him and explains a few things as she gets him ready for the procedure. He’s given a gown to change into and is asked to remove any jewelry. It pains him to remove his wedding band, he almost never takes it off. When he does, it feels like a part of him is instantly missing and he wants this to be over soon so he can put it back on.

The nurse tells him to lie down on the surgical bed and starts an IV in his arm to get the prescribed mix of fluids in him. Then she proceeds to clean the right side of his chest with an antiseptic. The doctor comes in and introduces himself as Dr. Brown, the interventional radiologist who will be performing the biopsy. He tells Jensen he will be given a mild sedative so he can relax and local anesthesia at the place the needle will be inserted. While the nurse administers those, the doctor draws a circle on an area next to Jensen’s right nipple with a marker. There’s a CT scan machine there and a huge hollow needle appears in the doctor’s hand. Jensen suddenly feels a rushing wave of nervousness but the sedation is starting to kick in, the tension bleeding from him as he relaxes. The doctor talks to him while he performs the biopsy, making a small incision at the place he has marked, before inserting the needle. When it enters his lung, Jensen feels a bit uncomfortable with the pressure. He tries to hold as still as possible while the doctor collects the tissue samples.

When the doctor is satisfied, he removes the needle and applies pressure on the incision site to stop the bleeding for a few minutes. Next the nurse bandages the small opening in the skin and rechecks his vitals. Jensen is instructed to stay in the bed while he is monitored for any signs of complications over the next hour. When the nurse re-appears with a wheelchair, telling Jensen he will be taken for a chest X-Ray to ensure there was no damage to his lungs from the biopsy Jensen wants to argue that he can walk. However when he stands up he actually feels dizzy and a bit weak, suddenly grateful for the chair. He tries not to think about the irony if Jared could see him now. At least Jared's chair is not this ugly and ancient.

Jensen is wheeled down to have the X-Ray taken, then to another room with a more comfortable looking bed. The nurse tells him he needs to rest for a couple of hours before going home due to the sedative, anesthesia and the small amount of pain medicine he was given in recovery. Jensen really doesn’t want to but he already feels himself getting sleepy, probably a mixture from the medication and the adrenaline coursing through him. He remembers to ask the nurse to bring his things in before he’s dragged into unconsciousness.

He wakes up a couple of hours later, feeling a little better, more clear-headed. The doctor checks on him and tells Jensen he’s good to go, that he just needs to take it easy for a couple of days. The results should come back in the next week. Great, one more week of anxiousness and anticipation. Like he isn’t enough on edge. Jensen gets up carefully and puts his clothes back on, followed by his ring, which makes him feel instantly better. He leaves the clinic and sits in his car for a while, making sure he’s really good to go. Jensen doesn’t go back to work, following the doctor’s instructions, so he heads home. Since Jared isn’t expected back until later, Jensen doesn’t tell him he’s home because that will lead to questions. Jared will want to know why Jensen missed work since to him, he was only going for a few simple tests. Jensen is already lying to Jared, he just adds this one to the pile. He feels like a piece of shit.

He pretty much follows the orders to rest and take it easy, vegging around the house, staying on the couch during most of the afternoon watching old TV shows, Harley sprawled next to him. He can’t focus on anything else other than the fact that soon he may be receiving what he thinks will be his death sentence. He could go to Google to do some research on lung cancer to see what he could be dealing with but he just can’t bring himself to do it. If he does, it becomes more real. Right now it’s just a possibility. He doesn't want to face it unless he has to. And as long as Jensen doesn’t know anything about it, he can pretend it’s not really happening. He’s getting too good at pretending over this last week. He only hopes everything doesn’t fall apart in the end.

*

The next seven days are arguably some of the worst ones in Jensen’s life. He’s scheduled to go back to see the doctor about the results of his biopsy on Monday, exactly one day before flying to Toronto with Jared. Not only is there the endless waiting to see if he’s really sick or not, but on top of that he’s still lying to Jared, letting him think everything is alright. Jensen really doesn’t know which is worse. What if the doctor tells him he does have cancer and he needs to tell Jared, one day before their trip that he’s sick?

Jensen tries to keep himself busier than ever, working his ass off to get everything in order before the trip - he doesn’t want to think that he may have to take more time off work if the _other thing_ happens - and Jared is just as busy with committee meetings and whatnot. Jared doesn’t have much time between everything he’s juggling to really focus on Jensen, which is awfully convenient right now. After the results of the biopsy, even if it’s good news Jensen will tell Jared everything. He knows his husband will be fucking pissed because Jensen hid this from him but Jensen doesn’t want to keep this from Jared forever. He just hates lying, he wishes he could just sit down with Jared and share this burden with him. It’s like carrying a huge weight on his shoulder all alone. However, that’s not Jared’s fault, Jensen chose this path. He’s doing it _for_ Jared so he doesn’t lose focus until the games are underway. He still has deep coughing fits and shortness of breath moments but they mostly happen when Jared is not home so he manages to hide it from his husband. When Jared asks, Jensen tells him he’s getting better. And he hates himself a little more for that, piling on the lies he’s already told.

Jensen barely gets any sleep the night before his next appointment. He tosses and turns, as quietly as possible as not to wake Jared. Tomorrow his life may change forever and he has no idea what’s gonna happen.

In the morning Jensen feels exhausted. He has breakfast with Jared and tries to hide his fatigue as well as the fact that he can’t eat much, his stomach churning in anticipation. Jared leaves before him to run some last minute errands before the trip and Jensen changes quickly so he can get to the clinic. He barely pays any attention while he drives, his mind on autopilot and hands sweating more than ever.

 _Please, please._ That’s his only thought during the whole ride, _please don’t let me be sick_.

Jensen sits outside the waiting room and doesn’t even try to read a magazine, he’s too nervous to do that. Sooner rather than later Doctor Cohen calls him in and as Jensen walks to his office he feels as if he’s walking to his death sentence. The doctor closes the door behind them and tells Jensen to sit, rounding the table and sitting down in front of him.

Jensen swallows hard as the doctor clasps his hands together, looking intently at him. There’s a big white envelope on the table, which Jensen presumes are his results. Jensen waits for a few seconds and the doctor finally speaks.

“Jensen, I received your results.” Doctor Cohen’s face is blank, not giving anything away.

Jensen is impatient so he cuts right to the chase, he just needs to know. “Please doc. This waiting is killing me. Just tell me. Do I have cancer?”

Doctor Cohen takes a deep breath and looks at him in that way only doctors know how to do before giving bad news. Jensen feels it, he knows what’s gonna come out of his mouth even before he says it.

“Yes, Jensen, you do.”

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS! Thank you so much for all the lovely comments, I appreciate them so much! I know some people had an idea of what would happen to Jensen because of the hint I dropped on chapter 1, now I want to know if your guesses were right! Please let me know what you think of this turn and please don't hate me! The angst is yet to come!
> 
> By the way, as I said last week, i'm flying to the US on Monday to attend New Orleans Con, if anyone is there and want to say hi, I'm on seat L53! will be happy to meet you! Also since i'll be away for 11 days, i'm not sure I'm gonna be able to post a new chapter so soon, and I apologize for leaving the story on such a cliffhanger! But it's for a good cause, I need some vacation and I'm gonna see the boys! YAY!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQ7oqmikZDQ)

 

_**Jensen** _

Jensen stares at the doctor for a what seems a good long while, trying to process what he just said.

“I…” Jensen starts, but his voice sounds too distant, distorted. He clears his throat and tries again. “I have cancer?”

Doctor Cohen looks at him with sympathy, nodding slowly. “I’m afraid so Jensen. I wish I had better news for you, but unfortunately I don’t. The biopsy showed that the tumor in your lung is malignant, which means it’s cancerous.”

Jensen doesn’t say a single word when the doctor stops talking, there’s only one thing his mind can focus on. _He has cancer._ It seems so surreal, the moments passing feeling like it’s happening to someone else. As if it’s not Jensen who’s receiving the diagnosis.

“How bad is it?” Jensen manages to finally ask, almost in a whisper.

The doctor takes the scans out of the envelope and shows them to Jensen. He points to a spot on the outer part of his right lung. “That’s called adenocarcinoma. It’s a type of non-small cell lung cancer, the most common type of lung cancer there is. I am not an oncologist, so I can’t give you all of the proper information and details. You’ll need to talk to one I can recommend, who will be able to tell you the exact extent of the cancer. As far as I can tell, it may be in stage 2, but as I said I can’t be certain of the specifics.”

Jensen’s mind is spinning; the words _cancer, oncologist, adenocarcinoma_ flying around in front of his mind’s eye. This can’t be happening to him, it just _can’t._ He blinks a few times when he realizes the doctor is asking him a question. He shakes his head to try and focus.

“Sorry doc, what did you say?”

“I asked you if you smoke, or used to smoke. This cancer is very common in smokers.”

Jensen shakes his head, staring at his clasped hands on the table. He hadn’t even realized he had put them there. “No, I’ve never smoked in my life.”

“Maybe you’ve been close to someone who smokes? Or inhaled toxic gases or other materials at work maybe?”

It hits Jensen like a ton of bricks. He hadn’t made the connection at all, but now that the doctor has said it, a clear image appears in his mind. It happened almost fourteen years ago, but it might as well have been yesterday. Jensen climbing down endless flights of stairs, smoke following him, surrounding him and making everything so dark and choking. Running outside the building while a cloud of dust enveloped him, making it impossible to open his eyes and see where he was going. He felt the memory of the thick cloud as it invaded his lungs, it was like having a pound of sand poured down into them. Jensen had felt that dust inside him for a long time while he tried to recover. When Jensen speaks next, he barely recognizes his own voice.

“I worked at the World Trade Center. On September 11th I had to escape the North Tower while a dark cloud of smoke descended upon us. Then I had to run while the South Tower collapsed, and another cloud of dust engulfed us completely. I felt the residue in my lungs for days. Do you think… I mean, it’s been fourteen years, is it possible that it’s linked back to that?”

Doctor Cohen is silent for a while, as he thinks on what Jensen revealed. “Oh Jensen, I’m sorry to hear you had to go through that horror. However after hearing that, I would be pretty positive that it is the cause of the cancer, given that you have no smoking connections. Actually, a lot of 9/11 survivors have been diagnosed with cancer and other diseases that are linked back to the attacks. And it can still happen today, even after all those years have passed. You were directly exposed to highly toxic materials and this tumor can take several years to grow.”

Jensen slowly looks up, trying to process all of what sounds absurd to him. “So this means I might have had this… _thing_ in me for years and not have known about it?”

The doctor nods. “I can’t be certain, as I told you I am not a specialist, but it’s very likely.”

Jensen is quiet for a while, shock settling in. He asks one last question because he just needs to know. “What is the chance of… I mean, will I…”

Jensen stops talking because he just can’t go on. He can’t say it, he just _can’t_ , and the doctor places a gentle hand on his forearm.

“Jensen, I understand how scary something like this may be, but adenocarcinoma can be treated. We really need to set you up to discuss all of this with a specialist who can give you a much more precise diagnosis and answer all of your questions. I’m going to direct you to someone I highly trust who is very good at her job. I advise you to meet with her and start your treatment as soon as possible.”

Jensen nods and a few things start to penetrate the fog in his brain. “I can’t, I… I’m going to Toronto with my husband tomorrow for the Parapan Am games. I need to wait until I get back.”

Doctor Cohen purses his lips. “Jensen, I advise you to talk to your husband and change your plans. I’m sure he will agree with me that your health is much more important.”

Jensen can’t give him a solid answer right now, he needs to think and right now he doesn’t seem able to do so. “I will think about all of this, doc. I just need to organize my thoughts.”

The doctor nods in understanding and hands Jensen his results, as well as the oncologist information. “Jensen, Dr. Connell is great at what she does and the hospital she works at is one of the best oncology centers out there. This center is a part of the World Trade Center Health Program. You can enroll in the program and receive treatment through it. You’ll be in great hands with her team but please make an appointment as soon as possible. You can also get a second opinion and a much more accurate one than mine. Don’t waste time.”

Jensen gets up and shakes the doctor’s hand, leaving the office with barely mumbled words of thanks, holding onto what he’s already accepted as his death sentence.

*

Jensen has no recollection of how he got out of the clinic, into his car and drove. The only thing he knows is that he’s at the park right now. Apparently he also parked his car without incident and got out of it. Jensen stares at the scene in front of him and it’s very familiar. He and Jared come here a lot to spend some good time just relaxing. They prefer Central Park however this park is very close to where they live and it’s easier for them. Sometimes they bring Harley and let him off his leash to walk around the park while they have a nice picnic when the weather is good.

Jensen walks further into the foliage and stops in front of a tree. He can envision them sitting under it on a blanket, having sandwiches that Jared made for them. Later Jensen would lean against the tree and Jared would lie down with his head on Jensen’s thighs. Jensen would grab whatever book he’s currently reading and then he would read his favorite parts to Jared while his husband drifts on and off with Jensen caressing his hair.

Jensen plops down, his back against the tree, but everything is gray around him now, absent of the color and joy it would have had. Jared isn’t here and it all feels like a waking nightmare.

 _Cancer._ Jensen has cancer.

How did this happen? Everything was fine just a couple of weeks ago and now it feels like everything's falling apart around him. What’s gonna happen now? Jensen has no idea how things are gonna be but he knows one thing: he doesn’t want to die. He’s still too young, he’s only 43. He thinks about Jared and their life together, it physically hurts just thinking about losing it all.

Jensen thinks back on the doctor’s words, how this cancer is most likely the result of all the toxic chemicals he inhaled at the World Trade Center. And then it dawns on Jensen. He thinks about how he used to feel right after the attacks; he thought he wasn’t supposed to have survived. He was supposed to have been in his office that morning, the office he worked at that got hit by the first plane. His boss had told him he was going down to their other office on the 30th floor and Jensen had volunteered to go instead. Minutes later, the plane hit. For a long time, Jensen didn’t think he should have survived when others deserved to much more than he did. For a long time, Jensen wished he _hadn’t_ survived. Only after finding Jared again, falling in love and starting a relationship with him was when Jensen finally began to be grateful for still being here. The guilt he carried stayed with him though, even partially to this day.

And now here he is, fourteen years later, finally getting his punishment for surviving when he shouldn’t have. His eyes immediately fill with tears when he realizes how cruel the joke is. At the time, Jensen wouldn’t have cared if he died since he honestly didn’t see a reason for living. He had nothing to lose back then.

Now though, Jensen has a whole life with Jared. Thirteen years of a great life next to the most amazing person on the planet. Fate made it possible for Jensen to find Jared again, fall in love with him and have the honor of it being reciprocated, to build a life with him with so many amazing memories, only to have it all ripped away. Fate made sure Jensen was truly happy before taking it all back.

Fate made sure Jensen had every reason to live before taking him.

Tears are streaming down his face before Jensen even has time to stop them, his chest aches and broken sobs escape him. It all comes to the surface, the knowledge of how cruel life actually is and Jensen can’t hold it together anymore. He puts his arms around his folded legs and buries his face in his knees. His crying racks his whole body, shaking from the pain and anger he’s feeling. He completely breaks down and can’t stop the flood of tears that soak his jeans. Jensen screams, the sound muffled by his legs, again and again. It’s not fair, _it’s not fair_.

Or is it?

 _You shouldn’t have survived_ , his brain tells him. _And here’s your overdue punishment._

Jensen’s sobs subdue a bit, he still feels like there’s a knife piercing through his chest and slicing his heart in two as he thinks of Jared. Maybe it is fair to Jensen, but it certainly isn’t fair to Jared. After all, it takes two to build a life together. Jared has been through so much already, his life is not an easy one even though he’s overcome so many obstacles and Jensen knows he’s truly happy. Jared loves him probably as much as Jensen loves him, what it will do to Jared when he learns Jensen has death slowly killing him inside his lung? This will break Jared, Jensen is sure of it. And that’s not fair at all.

Another thought pops into Jensen’s head and this one only adds to his anger. Fate waited until they decided to adopt a child. They were finally going to be parents, they were gonna try and have their own kid and expand their family, it was a fucking huge step for them and they were so excited about it. Jensen had been so afraid to talk about it with Jared, he was worried that Jared was gonna say it wasn’t a good idea, that he didn’t want to be an actual father even though he loved the kids that were close to them so much. It turned out that Jared actually _did_ want that, despite his insecurities at the start and Jensen had made sure Jared knew he would be amazing at it. They were going to be parents and now Jensen has cancer. He might not live long enough to go through the long process and meet their child. Maybe Jared can still do it without Jensen. Maybe he can go through it and adopt by himself, then he wouldn’t be alone. Or maybe, if Jensen was gone, Jared would meet someone and…

His throat closes and his eyes fill up again as Jensen imagines his beloved Jared with someone other than him. Jensen doesn’t see him as his property per se, but Jared is his. And he is Jared’s. Their connection is so very deeply intertwined how could there be anyone else? But Jensen won’t be that selfish, if he’s not here anymore he can’t expect Jared to be alone forever. He deserves to always be happy and have someone who loves him by his side.

Jensen has always felt this way but he also thought that this person would always be him. He often imagines he and Jared growing old together, that cliche image of both of them sitting on their rocking chairs (Jared’s will need a good cushion), having tea on their porch, holding hands while the sun sets. Jensen knows Jared will remain beautiful even when he’s old and full of wrinkles. And now, for the first time, Jensen doesn’t know if he will be a part of that picture. If Jensen does die, he hopes he’s able to at least watch over Jared wherever he is.

 _Jared_. How in the world is Jensen going to break this to Jared? How on earth is he gonna get home, the day before flying to Toronto, and tell Jared he has cancer? Jared is so fucking excited about this trip, his first Parapan Am games as a part of the committee, such a big deal for Jared and for Jensen as well. How will he tell Jared he can’t go anymore? Then Jared would be in Toronto alone worrying about Jensen the entire time, without being able to focus on anything else, Jensen knows that. Even worse, as Jensen really knows Jared, he just won’t go. He would stay behind with Jensen and miss this amazing opportunity he had been dreaming about and planning for such a long time. How can Jensen get home and tell Jared this news and break his heart in multiple ways?

Right on cue, as if Jared knows something’s on Jensen’s mind, his phone beeps. When Jensen plucks it from his pocket, he can see it’s a message from Jared. With trembling fingers, Jensen unlocks the phone and opens it.

It’s a picture of their opened suitcases, with a bunch of clothes hastily thrown inside. The caption says, _I’m home packing for us because I_ know _you’ll leave it for the last minute you lazy ass! P.S., your green shirt is already packed!_

It’s Jensen’s favorite shirt. Jared got it for him a couple of years ago and it’s beautiful, an olive green Tommy Hilfiger slim fit shirt that Jared says brings out the color of Jensen’s eyes. Jared loves when Jensen wears it. Just when Jensen is lost looking at the picture of their suitcases, another one arrives. It’s a selfie of Jared smiling with deep dimples, holding onto two plane tickets. The message reads, _Got our tickets today! Who’s excited? Your Hot Wheels surely is!_

Another sob escapes Jensen’s throat when he stares into those beautiful soulful eyes. Jensen calls Jared _Hot Wheels_ sometimes and his husband loves it. God, Jensen loves Jared so much. He never imagined such love could exist, but it does. Jared is his precious treasure and he would do anything to make him happy. And when Jensen says anything, he means it. He’s not joking around when he says he would give Jared his legs if it were possible. Jensen would love to see Jared fully walking again and he would trade places with him in the blink of an eye. It makes him beyond happy to see how far Jared has come ever since they reconnected after 9/11. Jared was just a shell of a man then, his eyes were lifeless and his smile forgotten, lost. Through the following years Jared got his life back on track and now he’s so confident and radiant. Jensen is so proud of him.

Sadly, Jensen feels he is about to end it all. He swallows hard and types a few words back, _That’s awesome baby, I’ll be back soon, love ya._ He can’t do any of this over the phone.

Actually, Jensen isn’t sure he can do it at all. Looking at those pictures, how can he shatter Jared’s happiness like this, when his husband is so excited? Jensen suddenly makes a decision. He’s gonna wait until they are back from the games. He has had this thing growing in him for a long time now, hasn’t he? So he can wait just a few more days to start the treatment. He can have a few more normal days with Jared before telling him the truth. He’s gotta do this for Jared. When they return, Jensen will go see the oncologist. This plan is for the best. Jared will understand when Jensen tells him his reasons. Jensen wants Jared to have this wonderful time with great memories of them to last him in case… Jared will understand. Won’t he?

Jensen opens the contact list on his phone and scrolls down to Chris’ name. His finger hovers over his friend’s name and Jensen contemplates telling him everything. He just feels like he needs to tell someone, share this burden. Before Jensen can make the call he thinks better of it. Yes, Chris is his best friend, but if Jensen tells him he’s sick there’s no way in fucking hell Chris will let Jensen get away with hiding it from Jared like he’s planning to do. And in that moment Jensen knows he can’t tell anyone. Not even his own parents. Jensen will have to keep this all to himself for now.

*

Jensen doesn’t know how much time actually passes, he just spends hours wandering around the park. His eyes ache and his throat hurts. He feels like an empty shell. Eventually he sits down on a bench and gets his phone out again. He opens the Safari browser and types _adenocarcinoma lung cancer_. A lot of cancer related websites appear and he clicks on the first one. It explains what lung adenocarcinoma is, that is the most common type of lung cancer. Also it gives information on causes, symptoms and diagnosis. He gets to the different stages, remembering what Doctor Cohen had said, he likely was in stage 2. Jensen reads what it means: _the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, the lining of the lungs, or the major passageways of the lungs._

When Jensen scrolls down to treatment options and reads the words _surgery_ and _chemotherapy_ , he closes the page and locks his phone. It’s just too much to process right now. He decides it’s time to finally go home, he’s been here long enough and the simple truth is, he misses Jared. So he walks back to his car and halfway home he stops at a McDonald’s to get some water and use the bathroom to wash his face clear of tear tracks. He checks himself over in the mirror, trying to determine if he looks too miserable. If he does, Jared will know immediately that there’s something wrong. Jensen forces himself to smile, it hurts his face but he thinks he can pass. He makes the short drive home and parks on the driveway, trying to quell his inner freaking out.

Jensen takes a few deep breaths, checks himself again in the rearview mirror and gets out. When he opens the door to their house he’s greeted by Harley, as usual. Jensen pets the dog and looks up to see Jared walking towards him. He’s wearing his braces under his pants and using his crutches, which allows him to actually walk. Jared smiles at him widely; loving when he’s able to be up on his feet, being tall again, taller than Jensen. Something in Jared lights up even more when he’s standing, even if he’s much slower moving with the braces and crutches. Jensen can empathize, it must be tiring to be sitting down all the fucking time. So usually when Jared is at home he likes to put on his braces and go for short walks, even around the neighborhood sometimes with Jensen. And Jensen himself loves to see Jared towering over him like he’s supposed to.

Seeing his husband, that bright charming smile and dazzling eyes, makes something unclench in Jensen’s chest. He can’t help but return the smile sincerely, closing the distance between them with a few steps before wrapping his arms around Jared. It’s awesome to hug Jared when he’s standing, being able to press his whole body against his husband’s. Jensen holds him tight and Jared feels secure enough to wrap his arms around him as well. Jensen buries his face against Jared’s shoulder, deeply breathing in the comforting scent.

“God, I missed you.”

Jared chuckles. “You saw me this morning, silly.” But he squeezes Jensen tighter anyway.

“Doesn’t matter. I always miss you when you’re away from me.”

Jared pulls back but only a little since he’s holding onto Jensen to keep himself balanced and looks at him fondly. “Good thing we’re spending these next several days together, then. I’ll be working but you know I’ll try and be with you as much as I can.”

Jensen smiles and presses a sweet kiss to Jared’s mouth. “I can’t wait.”

He doesn’t regret his decision.

*

They’re in bed, everything is already packed since they’re leaving in the morning for the airport. It’s late and Jared is sleeping soundly but Jensen can’t find it in him to drift into slumber , his mind won’t shut off. He turns on his side, facing Jared, with his head propped on his elbow, looking at his husband. There’s a faint light coming in from the window, bathing Jared in a light glow. Jared is on his side facing Jensen, his bangs falling across his face, one arm under his pillow and the other one positioned as if he’s reaching out to Jensen. Jensen gently touches Jared’s hair, pushing it back from his eyes as he just stares at his husband’s face, a fond smile looking at Jared’s long lashes that dust his cheeks when his eyes are closed. Jensen watches his bare, toned chest rising and falling with each breath. Jared looks so innocent and vulnerable like this, so young. Even at 39 years old, Jared’s boyish features were preserved and Jensen adores him so very much. He watches his husband sleeping as his throat starts to close up with emotion. Jared snuggles an inch closer and Jensen’s eyes begin to tear up again, he puts a fist in his mouth to stifle the sob that tries to escape, he can’t risk waking Jared up. Jensen watches Jared through the tears that cloud his vision and he thinks about what he may lose.

Jensen doesn’t sleep at all that night. He savors every second of being able to watch his husband while he can. He wants to etch the image of Jared in his mind so he can keep it forever.

*

They fly to Canada the next morning. Jensen is quiet during the 1 hour and 40 minutes it takes to go from New York to Toronto. He takes the window seat with Jared next to him and spends almost the entire flight looking out at the endless sky. Jared keeps himself busy on his iPad reviewing things for the competitions and talking to another member of the committee who is in the aisle seat. When Jared eventually turns to Jensen and asks if he is okay, Jensen brushes it off saying he’s just tired. It’s true, Jensen didn’t sleep a wink but he just can’t bring himself to say more right now. So he just stares out of the window and thinks about what lies ahead for him.

When they finally arrive, they are the last to deplane - they always wait for everyone else to get off first so Jared can disembark without a rush. They head to baggage claim to fetch their luggage and then head to the car rental station. They’ve decided to rent a car for the duration of the trip because it’s easier for Jared to get around in and Jensen will have handy transportation while Jared is busy working to sight-see. There isn’t an adapted car available, but they thought ahead and brought the portable hand controls that can be easy installed in any car, allowing Jared to drive it.

As they make their way to the parking lot to get the car, Jared looks up at Jensen. “Baby, do you want me to drive? You look beat.”

Jensen wants to say no, they’ll have to open his suitcase and get the controls, then install them in the car and it’s gonna take a while. But he is _really_ tired and that could be dangerous. Just because he just received a death sentence doesn’t mean he wants to speed things up. And most importantly, put Jared in danger. So he nods in agreement.

“That’s probably a good idea.”

When they get to their car, Jensen opens his suitcase and finds the controls, easily installing them after years of practice. He gets up from the driver’s seat and Jared takes his place. Then Jensen proceeds to put their luggage and Jared’s chair in the trunk before joining his husband in the car. After buckling up, Jared turns to him and runs a hand down his face in concern.

“Baby, are you sure you’re okay?”

Jensen gives him a small smile and turns his face, kissing his palm. “I’m sure. Let’s get going.”

Jared threads their hands together and doesn’t let go during the whole ride.

When they arrive at their hotel room, Jensen is feeling completely exhausted. He collapses on the bed as Jared reminds him he’s going to a meeting right now and Jensen just murmurs in response. He rolls his head to the side and watches through half closed lids as Jared opens his suitcase, probably looking for something to change into.

“I will probably be back by late afternoon, want to go to dinner later?” Jared asks. Jensen only hums his agreement before falling into oblivion, he just can’t fight it anymore.

*

Two days later, Jensen is waiting for Jared to come back so they can go have lunch. He’d had an early meeting with the committee and has the afternoon free to enjoy with his husband. So they are going for lunch and then to tour the city a bit. Jensen has managed to keep his cool when he’s around Jared, trying not to focus on the dark cloud hanging above his head. It’s hard to do it when he’s alone and he has tried to keep himself busy. The games start tomorrow and Jensen has VIP passes to watch all the swimming competitions. He and Jared will be watching other activities as well, he’s counting on them to keep his mind occupied.

Right as he’s about to message Jared to see when he’ll be coming back, Jensen starts feeling short of breath. It feels like his airways are closing and he can’t breathe, no matter how much he tries he can’t get air into his lungs and he panics in desperation. He hurries to grab a brown paper bag from the take out they ordered yesterday, trying to breathe into it slowly as his head starts to hurt. A lifetime seems to pass before he can finally breathe a little easier. As he tries to calm himself, thinking the worst is over, a coughing fit starts. It bubbles up from deep inside his lungs and his chest feels ablaze with fire. Jensen runs to the bathroom, kneeling down in front of the toilet, unsure if something may come out. Nothing does but he keeps coughing violently, it’s the worst fit he has had so far, his throat burning, tears streaming down his face. Jensen doesn’t realize Jared has even come in until he feels a hand on his back.

“Jen? Baby?” Jensen hears Jared’s urgent voice, he risks a glance up and sees Jared’s worried face. He tries to smile but starts coughing again and Jared rubs his back until it’s over, which seems like centuries. Jensen collapses against the toilet seat, burying his face in his arms. He feels Jared’s hand on his back still, then start before trying to ask again.

“Jen, talk to me, please. Do you need something, what can I do?”

Jensen manages to turn his flushed face a bit and find his husband’s eyes, wide in concern looking at him. He forces his voice out, and it’s raspy. “Water, please.”

Jared nods, a deep frown on his face as he wheels back to the room. Jensen feels completely worn out, his body numb, but he forces himself to stand. His legs feel shaky and he holds onto the doorframe to keep himself upright as Jared is wheeling back to the bathroom, a water bottle on his lap. Jared stops as he notices Jensen standing, his frown deepening as he takes in Jensen’s state. He must look miserable.

“Jen, come to the bed and sit down for a while. Do you need to hold onto me?”

Jensen takes a trembling step and shakes his head. Slowly he makes it to the bed and plops down. Jared wheels closer and hands him the bottle. As Jensen uncaps it and takes a few sips, the cool water doing wonders for his scorched throat, Jared wheels back to the bathroom. Jensen sets the bottle aside and buries his face in his hands. He’s on edge, he isn’t sure how much longer he can keep it together. When Jared returns and Jensen feels a warm cloth behind his neck, he looks up. He takes in his husband’s concerned face and he can’t, he just can’t keep doing this. Jared presses the cloth against his cheek and looking into Jared’s eyes directly, Jensen finally breaks.

Tears well up in Jensen’s eyes and he can’t keep them at bay any longer, his body begins shaking and he buries his face in his hands again, crying in pain, fear, angst, and sadness. Jared puts a hand on his shoulder as Jensen lets loose.

“Jen baby, please talk to me. What’s going on? I thought you had seen the doctor and he said you were fine. You’re obviously not, so please let’s go to the hospital, we need to see what’s happening!”

Slowly Jensen lifts his head and meets those bright warm hazel eyes, which are wet with their own tears. In that moment Jensen can’t believe he thought he could ever keep this from Jared, even for just a day. He was so wrong. Jensen prays this goes the best way possible, if there is one. He’s not ready to lose the best thing ever in his life.

“Jay… I lied to you.” His chest aches saying it, the confused look on Jared’s face cutting through Jensen’s heart.

Jared slowly removes his hand from Jensen’s shoulder, who immediately feels colder, tilting his head. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t need to go to the hospital, I know what is wrong with me. The doctor told me.”

Jared frowns again and places his hands on his wheels, gripping them tight as if he’s bracing himself, his eyes narrowing. “Tell me.” It's not a request.

Jensen takes a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling to try and gather the courage to do this. He looks down again and meets Jared’s expectant eyes. This is it. There’s no turning back now.

“I have lung cancer.”

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, it's so good to be back! I've spent the most amazing time in the US, first in New Orleans with my girls for the con, and then in Atlanta by myself. I really needed it and it was way more perfect than I could ever imagine. And most importantly, seeing the boys again was beyond words. Jared gave me the biggest present he could ever give me. If you guys want to read about it, [here's](http://bitchjerk.com/post/166970743058/this-is-the-story-about-how-jared-padalecki-gave) the full report of a magical moment for me. I can't even put into words how much this man means to me.
> 
> About the fic, sorry to keep you guys waiting for so long, specially after such a cliffhanger. But my mind was completely focused on my trip, now I'm back though! Here's a full chapter of Jensen's angst, I hope you guys forgive me after the wait. And I know I ended up with another cliffhanger and I apologize in advance! What do you guys think of this one? How do you think Jared will react? Please tell me your thoughts! You know how much I appreciate your feedback, it's crucial to me! Thanks again for your patience and for keeping up with this story. Angst is just beginning!


	5. Chapter 5

_**** _

_**Jared** _

The words ring in Jared’s ears and for a second it’s almost like they were spoken in another language. He stares at Jensen, his husband has tears streaming down his face, in complete anguish. Jared feels paralyzed - no pun intended - trying to comprehend the words. He clearly heard it wrong. It has to be that. Because what Jensen said, it just can’t be. Jared opens his mouth and absolutely nothing comes out, so he closes it and swallows hard, then opens it again, trying to find his voice.

“You… you have what?”

Jensen just looks at him, his eyes dull, leaning forward and resting his forearms on his thighs. “I have lung cancer, Jared.”

It’s like Jared just got punched right in the chest and he slowly wheels backwards, shaking his head. “No. No, you don’t. You _can’t_.”

Jensen lowers his head and licks his lips, not saying anything. Jared watches a tear fall from his eye and splat on his hand. Then Jensen lifts his face to Jared again. “The doctor told me, Jay. It’s true.”

Jared realizes he’s still shaking his head, hands gripping his wheels so tight his palms hurt but he doesn’t care. This is too absurd to be happening. “But how does he know that? Aren’t you supposed to have a biopsy done to get a diagnosis like that?”

Jensen looks away, eyes locking on a random spot on the wall and he doesn’t answer, biting his bottom lip. Jared’s jaw drops when it hits him.

“You did a biopsy already.” It’s not a question, and Jensen doesn’t show a single reaction, still staring at the wall.

Jared’s stomach drops when he realizes how fucking huge this is, anger starting to bubble up inside him. “You did a fucking biopsy and didn’t tell me Jensen?”

Jensen looks back at Jared and opens his mouth but Jared cuts him off. “When was it?”

“Last week.” Jensen’s voice is raw and he swallows hard.

“When did you find out?” Jared is trying to keep himself under control, his hands clutching his wheels in a steel grip. He would be worried about busting a tire if he gave a shit right now.

“Monday.”

Monday. One day before they flew to Toronto. Jensen was weird when he arrived home that night, he was oddly emotional when he hugged Jared, but Jared had brushed it off. Jensen could get emotional sometimes, it hadn’t seemed like a big deal at the time. As it turns out, it was a big deal.

“Why?” Jared doesn’t need to elaborate further, Jensen knows what he means just by the way Jared is looking at him. _Why didn’t you tell me?_

Jensen doesn’t answer for a few moments. He gets up from the bed and slowly walks to the window, bracing his hands on the frame and looking outside. Jared waits a bit and starts to get impatient, when he opens his mouth to demand some answers from Jensen his husband turns around.

“I went to the doctor to humor you like you asked. It wasn’t supposed to be anything major, maybe bronchitis or something. Then I learned I have a spot on my lung that needs further examination and the doctor tells me I need to do a biopsy for that. Next thing I know, he’s telling me I have cancer in my lung.”

Jared’s brain is spinning, he can’t believe he’s hearing this. _It can’t be_. “Answer my question Jensen, goddamnit! Why didn’t you fucking tell me? Any of this? That you had a biopsy done, that you have fucking _cancer_?”

The word is foreign in Jared’s mouth and he feels nauseated just saying it.

“At first, I didn’t want to worry you with it. Maybe it wouldn’t turn out to be serious, just a benign tumor. You were busy with all the preparations so I didn’t want to burden you even more. And then, when I found out…” Jensen takes a few deep breaths, looking up and then back at Jared. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to cancel this trip, Jared! God, you were so fucking excited about it! I knew if you came without me you would be worrying all the time, but it was much more likely that you would cancel everything to stay with me. I didn’t want that, damn, you’ve been dreaming about this for such a long time. I didn’t want to ruin it all Jay, please understand. I was gonna tell you when we returned home, I promise!”

Jared scoffs, staring at Jensen with wide eyes and mouth agape, as if he’s looking at a stranger. He can’t believe what he’s hearing, pure anger starting to cloud his vision.

“You…” Jared starts, having trouble forming words, it’s like his mouth is filled with cotton. “You thought…” Jared forces his hand to let go of his wheel and rubs it over his forehead, still staring at Jensen in disbelief. “Jensen, you honestly think I wouldn’t have cancelled this whole thing in a fraction of a second if you told me you were seriously ill? You really think I wouldn’t bat an eye calling it all off to stay behind with you? You were simply gonna hide this from me all this time until we were back home?”

Jared lets the words hang between them and Jensen stays glued to the spot, one hand gripping the window frame as he stares blankly at Jared, who takes a deep breath and goes on, feeling anger running through his veins.

“How the fuck were you capable of hiding all of this from me, Jensen? Something as serious as this? We’ve been in this together for thirteen years and we have always been nothing but honest with each other, we never lied! At least I never did, I thought you didn’t either. I can’t believe you lied to me, Jensen.”

Jensen opens his mouth to protest but Jared goes on, throwing his arms to the side. “Jesus Christ Jensen, I always thought we were equals! Or do you think I’m not as strong as you are? Do you really think I’d be mad at you if I had to cancel this trip? Or even worse, did you believe for one second that I would _not_ cancel this and come here alone, while you stayed behind getting treatment for fucking cancer? Do you really believe I could do that? After all this time, don't you know me at all?” Jared realizes he is almost screaming, but he doesn’t give a single damn. “Don’t you have the smallest faith in me, Jensen?”

Jensen opens his mouth again, collecting his breath to speak, but Jared shakes his head, raising a hand. “No! I don’t want to hear you right now, I need some time to clear my head, this is just too damn much.”

Blind fury filling his whole body, Jared spins his chair around and heads towards the door. Before opening it he turns to look at Jensen one more time, who hasn’t moved an inch, his face a mask of pain but Jared is too furious to care and he just points a finger at his husband.

“If you honestly think that a fucking trip is more important than you, if you really believe that _anything_ is more important to me than you, Jensen... then _fuck you._ ”

With that, Jared opens the door and quickly wheels outside, slamming it shut behind him.

*

Jared hurries to the elevator and punches the button until the car arrives. He can’t see straight as he enters it and smacks the ground level button. It’s only a couple of floors, they always request a low floor because of Jensen and how uneasy he gets on higher floors. When the doors open again Jared wheels through the lobby and heads outside. It’s a quiet small street and there’s barely anyone around, which is great. Jared stops and leans forward, bracing his hands on the frame of his chair and lowering his head. He is so angry right now it’s hard to focus, it’s even hard to breathe.

He rubs one hand over his face, trying to get himself together. How is this happening? It just can’t. Everything was going alright, he’d had a meeting in the morning and was looking forward to getting back to the hotel so Jensen and he could go out for lunch and wander around town. As soon as Jared arrived in their room, he knew something was wrong. He couldn’t see Jensen anywhere and heard coughing sounds coming from the bathroom. Jared found Jensen on the floor, holding onto the toilet, coughing violently. Jared was so scared, he has been worried about Jensen for a while now, with his constant shortness of breath and coughing fits. But Jensen had said it was fine, that he had gone to the doctor and it was nothing. Jared had believed him.

And now, Jared learns Jensen has cancer.

_Cancer._

How is this even possible? Everything was fine and now Jensen has cancer. Jared feels so angry, everything is rising to the surface at once and all of a sudden he wants nothing more than to be able to _run,_ to blow off steam and let his legs carry him far away and fast. Jared punches his thighs angrily before burying his face in his hands and he _screams_ , again and again, letting some of his frustration out.

“Sir are you okay? Do you need help?” Jared hears a distant voice and he forces his head up, finding an employee of the hotel leaning down close to him. Jared nods once.

“I’m fine, just leave me alone. Please.”

The guy nods and leaves him reluctantly. Jared rests his elbows on his thighs and tries to get himself together. He’s too angry and he hates feeling like this, he hasn’t in such a long time. Jared takes a few deep breaths, trying to force his mind to _think._ He keeps quiet for a while, processing everything, making sense of it all. Jensen hid from him that he would have a biopsy done and afterwards that he had cancer. Jensen lied to him and Jared is so damn pissed, but… in all these years, Jared knows that Jensen never lied to him before. Quite the contrary, he always made sure to be completely honest with Jared, in every matter.

He thinks about the last few days before they flew to Toronto. Jensen had been quieter, not his usual self. Jared had been so busy with the preparations for the games that he hadn’t really paid attention to it in his own excitement. He thinks about last Monday, when Jensen came home and hugged Jared, saying that he missed him. Jared remembers thinking that Jensen looked a bit off, but again, his mind was so busy that he didn’t overthink it. Maybe if he had pushed or demanded Jensen to tell him what was wrong, Jensen would have. Maybe Jensen saw how busy and anxious Jared was with all the preparations that he didn’t want to disturb him. Suddenly Jared knows Jensen did do exactly that, as he’d said.

And Jensen had gone through the discovery and diagnosis all alone.

Jared deflates as the anger he has been feeling starts to dissipate. He wonders if Jensen told anyone at all, maybe Chris or his mom? He can’t imagine Jensen keeping it all to himself. It slowly dawns on Jared what the real problem is here. His husband is sick. _Seriously_ sick. Jared realizes he has no idea the extent of the cancer Jensen has, or any other information whatsoever. For the first time, a terrifying thought penetrates his mind.

What if Jared loses Jensen?

Jared shakes his head, his breaths becoming more elaborate. He buries his face in his hands again, trying not to have a panic attack in the middle of the street. Jensen is truly sick and Jared just said a bunch of hurtful things to him. Now he’s in their room alone, probably scared and suffering. What did Jared just do? What kind of person is he, turning his back on his husband when he needs him the most? Yes, Jensen hid this from him and lied but Jared knows deep down he wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for a damn good reason. Jared just turned his back on him, walked out in anger without trying to work it through. What’s wrong with him?

Feeling his eyes welling up, Jared straightens his upper body and takes a deep breath, spinning his chair around and heading back inside. He feels numb all over as he enters the elevator and waits for it to get to the right floor. He wheels out with sweaty palms and stops in front of their room. He stares at the door for a long time, a thousand things rushing through his mind, unsure of what he’s gonna find inside. If Jensen is angry, if he wants to lash out at him in retaliation, Jared won’t blame him one bit.

Taking a few more deep breaths to prepare for whatever is waiting for him on the other side, Jared unlocks the door - thankfully he kept his key card in his pocket - and rolls inside. Closing the door quietly behind him he takes a look around and the first thing Jared notices is Jensen. His husband is lying on their bed, on Jared’s side, facing the empty middle of the bed, his face half buried in the pillow and legs tucked almost up to his chest. Jared’s heart breaks as he takes in the state Jensen is in, feeling more like a jerk than ever. Very slowly, Jared wheels to the side of the bed, coming to a stop close to Jensen’s head. Jared is facing his back, but it’s stiff so Jared knows Jensen’s awake and aware he’s back.

Jared doesn’t push, doesn’t say anything, he just waits quietly, resting his elbows on his knees and looking over his husband, giving him time and space. It’s about five minutes until Jensen finally moves, slowly turning around to face Jared. Jensen’s face is blotchy, his eyes red rimmed and swollen. Jared swallows hard as they stare at each other for a few moments, neither saying anything, a thousand emotions passing between them.

Jensen’s lips part and he mouths two words to Jared. _I’m sorry_.

Jared’s heart breaks in pieces with Jensen’s muted apology. He reaches out a hand and finds Jensen’s, which is lying on the mattress in front of him, slowly lacing their fingers together and finally holding tight. Jensen squeezes back and Jared’s own tears finally fall free.

“I’m so sorry, Jen. I didn’t mean it, I swear.” Jared’s voice is pleading and Jensen looks at him, deep emotions swirling in his eyes.

Jensen purses his lips, eyes filling up again and his voice comes out in a barely audible whisper. “Jay, I need you.”

Those words pierce through Jared’s chest and a sob escapes him. He leans forward and lifts their joined hands, burying his face in them. “I’m here Jen, I promise, I’m so sorry I left. I won’t leave you ever again, baby. I swear.”

They cry together for a while, emotions ranging from fear, pain, anguish, love and devotion all mingling and breaking free. When they calm down, breathing in sync, Jensen is the first to speak, never breaking eye contact with Jared.

“I swear I never lied to you before, Jay. Never. It’s just… I was so damn scared. I was a coward, I tried to find a way to tell you but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

Jared stares at him. “Did you tell anyone else?”

Jensen slowly shakes his head. “No. I knew if I told Chris or my mom they would make me tell you. And also, I wanted you to be the first to know.”

Jared’s throat closes up when he realizes Jensen was indeed keeping this all to himself, how hard it must have been on him. “So you kept this all inside, Jen? You didn’t have to do this.”

Jensen shrugs and looks down at their joined hands, not answering. Jared takes a few moments to take it all in, then places a finger under Jensen’s chin, lifting his face up. “Don’t hide anything from me anymore, Jen. Ever.”

Jensen nods. “I promise.”

“So tell me all about it.” Jared doesn’t need to elaborate, Jensen knows what he means. His husband sighs and licks his lips.

“It’s called adenocarcinoma. A type of lung cancer, from what I read it’s the most common one. It’s in my right lung. The doctor said it might be in stage 2 already, but he can’t be sure. Said I need to go to an oncologist - a specialist who can tell me more.”

“You haven’t seen one yet?”

Jensen shakes his head. “No. As you now know, I had the definite diagnosis on Monday and didn’t have time to see one yet. The doctor said I should go ASAP, but I wanted to wait until we got back.”

Jared feels anger threatening to bubble up again, but he forces it down, trying to keep calm. “Jensen you need to see that doctor right away. Did the other doctor tell you anything about treatments, or… life expectancy?” Jared’s chest hurts just by mentioning it, because _that_ can’t happen.

Jensen shakes his head again. “I don’t know much, Jay. I need to see the oncologist to learn more about these things.”

Jared nods at that, trying to organize his thoughts. “Okay. Here’s what’s going to happen. We’re getting back home today and we are arranging an appointment with the oncologist for tomorrow, I don’t care what it takes. And I’m coming with you.”

Jensen opens his mouth to protest but Jared lifts a hand, cutting him. “No. We’re going. And you’re not gonna hide anything else from me, Jensen. I’m coming with you to that appointment, I want to know every damn thing, you hear me? That’s not up for discussion.”

Jensen nods and lowers his head again, playing with Jared’s fingers. When his voice comes, it’s so low Jared has to make an effort to make out the words.

“I’m scared, Jay.”

Jensen looks so small and vulnerable right now and the last pieces holding it together break inside Jared. Jensen needs him. Jared is the one who needs to be strong, for his husband, for them both. He hopes he is able do that.

“Scoot over, baby.”

Jensen does, making room for Jared on the bed. Jared repositions his chair and locks the brakes, swiftly transferring to the bed. He adjusts his legs and turns around to face Jensen, then scoots down a bit to be on the same level as him. They share a pillow, and Jared reaches out to run his fingers through Jensen’s hair, taking a silent moment to stare at his husband. Eventually, Jensen breaks the silence.

“Jay… I’m sorry again for hiding this from you. It’s not that I think a trip is more important to you than me, I never thought that. It’s just that… that I…”

Jensen trails off, trying to find the right words and Jared finishes his sentence for him. “It’s just that you didn’t want to be a burden.”

Jensen doesn’t answer, just looks at Jared giving him a sad smile.

“Yeah, I know all about that feeling,” Jared tells him. “But come on, how many times have you told me that I was never a burden? After telling me that over and over, how can you feel like one yourself? Yes, I was excited about this trip, being a part of the committee for the games, but you come first, before every damn thing, you hear me? We’re in all of this together and this is one more battle we are going to fight. _And win_. Because I am not losing you, Jensen. You can be damn sure about that. Whatever it takes, we will do it.”

A tear falls from Jensen’s face, and Jared wipes it with his thumb. “Jay… there’s something else you need to know.”

Jared stops in mid motion, dread filling him. There’s more? “What is it?” He asks, frowning.

Jensen looks down and licks his lips. “The doctor told me that this cancer is more common in smokers or former smokers. I never smoked, you know that. So we reached the conclusion that the cause…” Jensen looks at Jared before finishing. “Is due to the amount of smoke and dust I inhaled at the WTC.”

Jared’s jaw drops at that, all air leaving his lungs in a whoosh. “What?”

“Yeah, he said that a lot of the survivors have been diagnosed with some kind of disease related to 9/11.”

Jared knew that, they run an organization to help other survivors of the attack - which Jared is very proud of - and he has met and heard of people who developed some kind of illness because of the exposure to the toxic smoke and dust at the WTC. But he never thought Jensen would be among them. Jensen was much more exposed to it than Jared, so it was highly likely that something would develop, but still.

“God, Jen…” Jared starts but he can’t form words. This is too damn much. After everything, this is...

“I know. Remember how I didn’t think I should have survived, that I didn’t think I had anything to lose unlike so many others? And now that we have just decided to have our own child. Guess life waited for me to have everything to lose before…”

Jensen trails off but Jared knows what he meant. _Before taking me_. Jared shakes his head, he’s not allowing Jensen to think that. “No. Jensen please, this is _not_ a punishment. It’s not your fault that you survived. Baby, I thought you understood that by now. Don’t go there please. We’re gonna beat this Jen, I can’t… you can’t… you _can’t_. You hear me?”

Jensen nods and tears form in his eyes again. He sobs as he buries his face in Jared’s chest, as Jared puts his arms around him, holding him tight. Jensen cries freely and Jared summons all the strength he has not to cry with him. Jensen needs Jared, he needs him to be strong. One of them needs to hold it together, be the source of strength for both of them. And Jared knows it has to be him. Jensen has helped him through so much in the past, Jared had been broken into pieces when he found Jensen again, he had been paralyzed for only a few months and he thought his life was over. Even though Jensen was hurting as well, he helped Jared get his life back together, helped him find his inner power. Jensen did everything for Jared and now it’s Jared’s turn to return it. Even though it’s so scary to know his husband is seriously ill, Jared is gonna prove he’s strong enough to carry Jensen, just like Jensen carried him so many times.

Jared pulls him in tighter, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “We’re gonna fight it together and beat it, Jen. And we are gonna have our kid. We will be one big happy family when this is over, I promise.”

*

Jared is just outside their hotel room, talking on the phone. Jensen had cried on his chest until he fell asleep from emotional exhaustion and Jared decided to let his husband sleep for a while. Jared is tired himself, but he has things to take care of. He’s also feeling overwhelmed with everything, all the information he learned in the past few hours and also fear of the uncertain, not knowing what will happen to Jensen. He’s beginning to arrange everything so they can go back home. Jared wants to get there as fast as possible so Jensen can start his treatment. There’s no time to waste.

He calls Delta to see if he can get a flight to NY for today. If he can’t he’s willing to try all the other airlines and if that doesn’t work Jared won’t rule out driving home. They will get there one way or another. Luckily, the attendant at Delta tells him she has seats available on a flight scheduled for this evening. Jared buys two tickets and explains he’s a wheelchair user and requires assistance to board the plane. He will probably have to use the aisle chair since it’s not likely they will have the first row seat available for him on such a short notice. He hates using that chair because it’s so tiny and someone else needs to pull him through the aisle, but given the circumstances, he will take it. Anything to get home today. Anything for Jensen.

Once that’s taken care of, Jared goes up two floors and heads to his boss’ room. He had mentioned he would be there for a while earlier, working on some things from his laptop. He invites Jared in when Jared knocks. He wheels inside and gets straight to the point.

“Charlie, I need to go back home.”

His boss looks at him with wide eyes, sitting down on the bed in surprise. “What? What the hell Jared, the games starts tomorrow! You can’t leave now!”

Jared shakes his head in disagreement. “I can and I will. My husband just told me he was diagnosed with cancer. He needs to start treatment ASAP and I will not be apart from him. I’m sorry, you know how much it means to me to be here, you can fire me from the committee if you want. It’s gonna hurt like hell, you know I love what I do. But Jensen needs me. He comes before anything else. I’m going back home with him tonight, no matter what.”

Charlie stares at him for a few seconds, his mouth agape and finally shakes his head. “Oh my God Jared, I’m so sorry! You don’t need to explain, of course you need to go. I understand. I’m sorry to hear about Jensen, I hope everything goes well. Don’t worry about anything, we’re gonna miss you but health - and family - comes first. Go take care of him.”

Jared lets out a long held breath, feeling relieved. He always liked Charlie, they got along very well and Jared is glad he understands. “Thank you Charlie. Could you please not tell the others about the cancer? Just tell them I had a family emergency and had to fly home, I don’t want word to get out now, nobody knows yet. I will tell everyone when the time is right.”

Jared is still somewhat known in the US due to his great performances at the Paralympic games and other competitions as well. He keeps an Instagram and Twitter account and people constantly reach out to him, he’s become a good source of inspiration, especially for other disabled people. So Jared knows if the news that Jensen is sick gets out, it’s gonna appear somewhere on the internet. He will probably make a small statement when the time is right - if Jensen is on board with it of course - but that’s after their family and close friends learn about it.

Charlie nods. “Sure Jared, don’t worry about it, I won’t tell anyone. Go home and stay with Jensen. I’m keeping him in my thoughts.”

Jared thanks Charlie and says goodbye to him, hurrying back to his room. Jensen is still sleeping and Jared takes the time to pack their things. It would be easier with Jensen’s help but Jared manages. When everything is mostly packed, Jared takes a quick shower and gets dressed. Then he finally wheels up to Jensen, running his fingers gently over his face. Jensen’s eyes flutter open and Jared smiles. He loves Jensen’s eyes so much, the bright green always amazes him with their luminosity.

“Hey there, sleepy head. Time to wake up.”

Jensen stretches his arms and yawns. “How long did I sleep?”

“Don’t worry about it, you needed it. I called Delta and booked a flight for tonight. I’ve already talked to Charlie. It’s all set up and I’ve packed almost everything. Go take a shower so we can head to the airport.”

Jensen looks around and sees how everything is cleared. “Jay, you should have woken me, I would have helped you pack.”

Jared looks pointedly at him. “Jensen, I _can_ pack stuff by myself, you know.”

Jensen’s eyes widen and before he can open his mouth Jared shushes him and smiles. “I’m teasing you. Just thought you could use some sleep that’s all. I got it. Now go take a shower.”

*

Jared drives them to the airport and makes Jensen call the oncologist that was recommended by the doctor to try and get an appointment for tomorrow. Luckily the secretary can squeeze him in and Jared feels more relieved. They have a plan, they are setting it in motion. Later tonight they will be back home and Jensen will start his treatment. If they are lucky, Jensen will have a chance. He has to. For Jared, there’s no other option.

Once they are on the plane, Jared takes Jensen’s hand and brings it to his lips, placing a gentle kiss on his knuckles. “Ready for this?”

Jensen smiles briefly, lying his head on Jared’s shoulder and letting out a deep breath. “Let’s go home.”

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, sorry for taking so long to update, I know I left a bad cliffhanger! Second of all, I'm so sorry for making Jared fight with Jensen, but that was needed before he came back to his senses. I hope you don't hate me so much! They are a team now again and Jared is finally by Jensen's side in this fight.
> 
> Please, as usual lemme know your thoughts, I deeply appreciate your comments! Most of all, I wanna mention those who told me they went through this disease with a loved one, and decided to stick with my fic. I understand how hard it must be and I'm very thankful that you guys are reading it! <3


	6. Chapter 6

_**Jensen** _

The flight back to NY is better than the one to Toronto. At least Jensen feels better knowing he isn’t hiding anything from Jared anymore and that’s a huge relief. It’s like a crushing weight has lifted off his shoulders. Yes, things still suck, he’s sick and doesn’t know about his chances or the treatment, but at least Jared is with him in this now. Jensen had really wanted to wait until the trip was over to tell Jared, and he really would have. Of course, Jensen had that coughing episode and Jared chose that very moment to come back, catching Jensen right in the middle of it. His husband was so worried, the look on his face broke Jensen and he just had to come clean. He didn’t expect Jared to be so very angry about it but Jared pretty much exploded and Jensen can’t blame him given the seriousness of it all. If the roles were reversed, if Jared was sick and didn’t tell Jensen, he would be extremely pissed too. Still, that doesn’t mean the words said in anger didn’t hurt him deeply.

When Jared left the room, slamming the door after him, Jensen broke down. All the strength left him and he couldn’t keep himself upright anymore. He only managed two steps towards the bed before collapsing on it, burying his face in Jared’s pillow for some form of comfort and curling into a fetal position on autopilot. He cried until his eyes felt sore and his chest hurt even more, Jared’s words ringing in his ears. Jensen had honestly wondered if Jared would really leave him for good. He felt so alone. He wanted to go find Jared, to apologize again, to beg for him not to leave, but he couldn’t find the strength - physically or emotionally - to do so. He went numb with fear when he heard the door opening again, thinking Jared had come back to argue some more or to collect his things, so he took some time to gather the courage to turn around and face the music.

And when Jensen did, he saw on his husband’s face that he wasn’t mad anymore, just intense concern and some sadness. Jensen apologized and Jared apologized right back. They finally talked and Jared understood Jensen’s reasons, which was much more than Jensen could have hoped for. They are in this fully together now, which gives Jensen more strength to fight whatever is coming. Jared is with him, beside him every step, so it will be okay, it has to be. They hold hands during the entire flight, neither saying a word, drawing fortitude from a simple intimate connection. Jensen can’t sleep, there’s too much on his mind and looking over at Jared through the flight he sees Jared can’t rest either.

When they land, both have to wait as usual as the other passengers deplane. While they wait, Jensen turns to Jared. “Babe, can I ask you something?”

Jared squeezes his hand. “Sure Jen, what’s up?”

“Do you think we could not talk about… you know, _that,_ until the appointment tomorrow? Everything is too overwhelming right now, I don’t know what will happen there, what the doctor will say. We could get awful news and I would like to spend tonight and tomorrow morning as normally as possible. Let’s not tell anyone we’re back yet, I just want to stay with you. Just the two of us. Is that okay?”

Jensen bites his lip nervously, and Jared brings their joined hands up and kisses Jensen’s knuckles, smiling warmly at him. “Sure baby, anything you want. But please don’t think we’ll receive the worst news tomorrow, we need to have faith. And yes, let’s not talk about that until the appointment. Why don’t we get home and have a nice dinner, watch a movie and just enjoy each other?” Jared looks mischievous at him. “We can keep all lights out so nobody notices we’re back, there are some candles we can light. What do you say?”

Jensen smiles back at him, feeling relieved. “Sounds like a plan.”

*

The drive home is quiet. Jensen had left his car at the airport’s parking lot and after they stow everything in the trunk he drives them home, holding hands with Jared the whole time. His husband puts some mellow music on, he knows that’s a great way for Jensen to relax a bit. When they arrive home, they decide to keep the car inside the garage instead of the driveway so they don’t risk someone passing by and noticing they are home. They unload their luggage and head inside through the small ramp in the garage that leads to the foyer.

Keeping the overhead lights in the living room off they turn on just the soft light lamp beside the couch and a few candles. Jared suggests they unpack tomorrow, so they quickly change into comfortable clothes and since there’s nothing left in the fridge to make a decent dinner out of, they decide to order in some good delivery service. Once it arrives they choose a movie on Netflix and get on the couch to watch together while they eat. The food is great and once they’re full, Jared lies against Jensen’s chest, who wraps his arms around his husband and they watch another silly movie together. It’s as much normal as it will get with the huge elephant in the room but Jensen needs this. He has no idea how tomorrow will go or what to expect so he needs this last night of normalcy with Jared.

When it’s time to go to bed, Jensen carries Jared without needing to ask. He loves carrying his husband when they are alone whenever he has the chance, and Jensen will damn sure take every opportunity he has while he still can. He lies Jared down on their bed carefully, and blankets his body with his own.

“I want to make love tonight, I want to feel you as much as I can,” Jensen whispers in Jared’s ear, who wraps his arms around him. Jensen takes his time, worshipping every inch of Jared’s body as he makes love to him. He coaxes Jared to hardness so he can ride him too, since Jensen wants to feel his husband inside him as well. They make it last as long as they can and when it’s over and Jensen has cleaned them both they lie on the bed on their sides, facing each other. Jensen feels emotional all of a sudden, having Jared is the most precious thing in his life, and everything is so uncertain now. His eyes fill with tears and Jared leans down, pressing a lingering kiss on the right side of Jensen’s chest, where his tumor is located.

Jensen’s tears fall as he watches Jared, and he runs his fingers through his long silky hair. “Are you gonna kiss it and make it better?”

“I’m willing to try,” Jared whispers against his skin, then pulling back to look at Jensen. “I love you so much, Jen. And we’re gonna be okay. I know that.”

Jensen snuggles closer and wraps an arm around Jared and that’s how he tries to get some sleep.

*

It takes a long time for Jensen to be able to fall asleep, but he does eventually. When he wakes up it’s already morning and Jared isn’t in the bed. Deciding not to overthink things for now he gets up, goes to the bathroom to take care of his needs and heads to the kitchen where he finds his husband making breakfast. Jared has his back turned to him, making pancakes on the cooktop, so Jensen leans on the counter and smiles.

“Morning.”

Jared’s back stiffens and he turns his head, obviously surprised. “Hey baby, I was gonna bring breakfast in bed for you!”

Jensen rounds the counter and enters the kitchen, walking to his husband and leaning down to give him a kiss. “Couldn’t sleep anymore.”

Jared nods. “I get it. Why don’t we take the pancakes and coffee to the couch then?”

They do just that, having a lazy breakfast on the couch together. Once they’re done and everything is cleared they take a leisurely shower together before getting dressed. Jensen is growing more anxious by the minute because his “normal” time is almost up. They’ll be heading to the hospital soon for the appointment and Jensen isn’t sure he wants to hear whatever the doctor will say to him. Jensen doesn’t realize he has been frozen to the spot, his jacket in his hands, until Jared touches his forearm.

“Baby, come here.”

Jensen blinks a few times and focuses on his husband’s face. He throws the jacket on the bed and sits sideways on Jared’s lap, who wraps one arm around his waist and frames his face with his other hand. “Jen, I know it’s scary as fuck. I’m scared too. But I am positive we’re gonna be okay. We went through so much already, this is just one more bump in the road and we’re gonna get past it.”

Jensen licks his lips and closes his eyes for an instant, leaning into Jared’s hand, and his voice comes out in a whisper. “I don’t wanna leave you.”

Jared pulls Jensen close and wraps his arms around him. “You won’t. We will go together, and that’s not now, you hear me?”

Jensen nods into Jared’s shoulder and allows his husband to hug him for a while. When they break apart, Jared plants a lingering kiss on his forehead.

“Ready to go, baby?”

Jensen nods. “As I will ever be.”

Jared decides to drive his car to the hospital and Jensen is silently grateful, his husband knows him too well. Once Jared is settled in the driver’s seat and Jensen has stowed his chair, he joins him in the passenger seat and Jared takes his hand. They look at each other for a moment, and Jensen squeezes his husband’s hand. Jared nods and Jensen nods back, both sharing a moment that doesn’t need words. As long as Jared is with him, Jensen knows he will be okay.

*

They arrive at the hospital and once they’ve parked and are out of the car, Jensen holds up a hand for Jared to grasp and they head inside holding hands. Jensen needs the connection, thinks maybe Jared does too. They are directed to the right floor and after filling out some forms, they’re led to the waiting room. Jensen sits in one of the chairs and Jared parks his chair sideways in front of him, keeping his hand in a firm grip.

“Jen…” Jared starts, playing with his fingers. “If you want to go alone at first, it’s okay. I will understand.”

Jensen appreciates that Jared respects his privacy, but he shakes his head vehemently. “No. I need you there Jay, I can’t do it without you.”

Once the receptionist tells Jensen the doctor is ready for him, he takes a deep breath and gets up, feeling his throat closing up. He puts a hand on Jared’s shoulder and walks behind his husband towards the doctor’s office. When they enter, Jensen can see a red haired petite woman standing beside her desk and his first thought is _she’s really tiny_. The doctor focuses on Jared, smiling politely at him, probably thinking he is the patient. She opens her mouth but quickly closes it, frowning at him.

“You’re not Mr. Ackles-Padalecki?” Jared smiles and the doctor shakes her head with wide eyes. “Oh dear, where are my manners? I am so sorry! Let’s begin again. Hello, I’m Doctor Connell. It’s nice to meet you.”

She extends her hand to Jared first, who promptly takes it. “I am Jared Padalecki-Ackles, nice to meet you too.”

The doctor smiles at him. “Oh yes darling, I sure know who you are. I am an admirer of your work!” She looks up at Jensen and also smiles at him. Jensen opens his mouth, but it’s like there’s a lump in his throat preventing him from speaking. Jared looks up at him and picks up on his distress, so he addresses the doctor.

“Well, thank you. This is my husband, Jensen Ackles-Padalecki.”

Jensen extends his hand and clears his throat, his voice coming out hoarse. “Nice to meet you too. Wish it was under better circumstances.”

The doctor takes his hand and speaks in a dulcet voice. “Me too sweetie. But we’re gonna take care of you. Why don’t we all take a seat?” She removes one of the chairs in front of her desk so Jared can settle in the empty space and Jensen sits down beside him. He places a hand on Jared’s knee, who covers it with his own hand. Doctor Connell sits down in front of them, resting her elbows on the table and leaning forward addressing both of them.

“So, I got Jensen’s exam results from the other clinic and Doctor Cohen explained to me briefly what is going on. I also studied your results so I have a better understanding of your diagnosis. What do you know so far, Jensen?”

Jensen takes a deep breath and Jared squeezes his hand. “Doctor Cohen told me it’s called Adenocarcinoma. That it is probably in stage 2 and likely developed because I was exposed to so much dust and smoke at the World Trade Center. He didn’t tell me much else because he isn’t a specialist, I tried to do some research but I just…” Jensen shrugs and trails off.

Doctor Connell nods. “Okay. Well, Doctor Cohen is right. From your biopsy, you do indeed have an adenocarcinoma in your right lung. It’s a form of non-small cell lung cancer, the most common type. It’s located at the tissues near the outer portions of your lung, in the beginning of stage two, which means it’s spreading to your lymph nodes. This cancer is hard to be diagnosed at the early stages, which means you may have had it for a while. And yes, the fact that you were exposed to the toxic residues from the World Trade Center is most definitely the cause, especially since you’re not a smoker and never were. As you know, our center treats survivors from the attack, offering full health care and the best treatment you can get. The costs are also the responsibility of the program, so you don’t have to worry about it.”

At that Jensen nods, feeling somewhat relieved. He does have health insurance but cancer treatments can be very expensive nonetheless, so it’s good to know he’s covered. “That’s good. But what I really want to know is… do I have a chance?”

His voice is barely a whisper and he finds himself holding his breath waiting for the doctor’s answer. He can feel Jared is doing the same beside him, as if the whole world stopped around them. This is it.

Doctor Connell smiles and Jensen tries to interpret that as a good sign. “Jensen, the cancer is treatable. It’s at an early stage, it has not spread to other parts of your body so we have a better chance of beating it. I can’t tell you with absolute certainty that you’re going to be healed. But you have a very good chance. What you need to understand is that no two cancers are the same. Each person has a different organism and each one responds to treatment differently.” The doctor turns to Jared. “Mr. Padalecki-Ackles, I believe you have a spinal cord injury?” Jared nods. “Well, then you are well aware that every injury is different than another. Two people may have the same type of injury at the same level and yet have different levels of bodily function, right?”

Jared nods again. “Yeah, I’m aware of that.”

She turns to Jensen again. “The same thing happens with cancer. You may have the same type of cancer as another patient, even the same severity and you may respond very differently than they do. I know it’s hard to comprehend, but this is an amazing center with top quality equipment and professionals to help you get through it and beat it. I can assure you we’re gonna do everything in our power to make you healthy again.”

She takes a moment to pause and Jensen lets out a deep breath. He has a chance. A good chance, she said. The cancer has not spread, it’s not a death sentence, he has a _chance_. Jensen looks at Jared, who offers him a smile and a reassuring nod. Jensen nods back and turns to the doctor.

“What is the treatment?”

“I won’t lie to you, Jensen. It won’t be easy. You have a hard time ahead of you if you want to get rid of this thing. There’s a surgery to remove the actual tumor from your lung. However, first we need to shrink this tumor so it can be removed properly and fully. In order to do that there are several rounds of neoadjuvant chemotherapy you’ll go through. You may have heard of this or read about it already - this treatment is hard on your body and has a lot of side effects, but it’s crucial. Once we’re sure the tumor is at the right size, we will perform the surgery. Then you may go through a few more rounds of chemo, called adjuvant chemotherapy, to kill any cancer cells that may remain in your body after the surgery. Once we make sure there are no more cancer cells in your body, you’re considered in remission. That’s a long way ahead, but we will get there.”

Jensen nods again, taking it all in. “Okay. When can we start? Do I have to stay in the hospital for the chemotherapy?”

“No, you can receive the treatment as an outpatient. Each cycle takes about three to four weeks and you’ll receive chemo about four to six times during that. You will come here for that and then you can go home. The medication is given to you through an IV, if you agree to it we can implant an access device in your chest and it will stay there as long as you receive the chemo, so we don’t have to stick your arm or hand with a needle each time you have a session. We can schedule your first chemo session for two days from now.”

Jensen doesn’t answer, just tries to wrap his mind around all the new information. The doctor turns to Jared. “Jared - I’m gonna call you Jared - and please call me Ruth boys, we will spend a lot of time together - I am assuming that you’ll be Jensen’s primary caregiver?”

Jared nods nervously, with one look at his husband Jensen knows he’s instantly unsure. “Yeah, I… I mean, I guess so. I hope I can do everything Jensen needs.” Jared looks down and Jensen turns his palm up and links their fingers, giving it a light squeeze and smiling at him. Ruth reaches out and places a hand on Jared’s forearm.

“Darling, I am completely positive you’re gonna be an amazing help to Jensen. From what I know, you’ve been paralyzed for quite a while, so I assume you’re constantly finding out you’re much more capable than you thought. I promise you this is just another time you will learn that. I have no doubt in my mind you’ll be able to give Jensen everything he needs and you will learn how to adapt to difficult situations as you probably know how to already do very well. It’s not easy for those close to the patient either, especially the one who acts as a primary caregiver. It can be exhausting for you too, not only physically but also emotionally. Your work will be very hard and you need to be aware and ready for that. You will go through this long road together, and you will be a vital part of this team, Jared. Once the chemo is over Jensen is going home with you and you will have to deal with the side effects along with him. So you must prepare and also take care of yourself. You will be Jensen’s source of strength multiple times from now on.”

Jared nods, apparently feeling more confident. “I will do everything I can to help him, I promise.”

Ruth smiles kindly at him. “I am sure of it. By the way, once we have your boy here all healed I’m gonna want an autograph and a picture taken with you, is that a deal?”

Jared smiles back. “You get rid of that cancer and I’ll give you anything you want.”

*

Both men say their goodbyes to the doctor and leave the hospital together, with instructions to return in two days for the first round of chemotherapy. They don’t talk while they head hand in hand to the car. Once they’re both settled inside, Jared turns to Jensen, running a finger down his cheek.

“See, baby? You have a chance, it’s not over yet. We are gonna beat it together and then we will have a huge fucking celebration, you hear me?”

Jensen nods, feeling a tiny sparkle of hope inside of him. “We need to tell everyone, Jay.”

“Why don’t we invite them over tonight? If you’re okay with it, I think it would be better to tell all of them together, get this over with.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Jared drives them home in silence, never breaking the linked hands contact. When he parks in the driveway he kills the engine and turns to Jensen again.

“How are you feeling, baby?”

Jensen licks his lips and shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s like it’s happening to someone else. I guess this hasn’t sunk in yet, it’s a lot to take in. I’m so scared, scared of dying and facing what’s ahead. I hope all the suffering while waiting for me pays off. At least the doctor told me I have a chance. I was so terrified she was gonna say there was nothing that can be done.” Jensen’s eyes fill with tears and Jared reaches out to wipe them. “Knowing that I have a chance to survive is amazing. But I’m still scared to face what’s gonna happen and of something going wrong.”

Jared caresses his husband’s face as he answers. “I know, Jen. It’s scary as fuck, it won’t be easy at all, but we will do it together like everything we ever did. You’ve been there for me through my worst, I’m here for you now. Nothing is gonna go wrong, we’re gonna do everything the doctor tells us and we will beat it. _Together_. Trust me?”

Jensen nods, staring into his husband’s eyes. Jared puts his arms around him pulling him closer and Jensen allows Jared to hug him. He clings to him and buries his face in his neck, letting all the doubt and fear out. Everything feels much better already just by having Jared with him, not going through it alone like at the beginning. Jensen will do everything he can to be okay, he _won’t_ leave Jared. That’s not an option.

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay I managed to post the new chapter only a week after the last one! I hope you guys like this one, now Jensen is really beginning to face the long hard road ahead of him and of course Jared is right by his side! Please as usual tell me what you guys are thinking, I love hearing your opinions!
> 
> PSA 1: I reposted chapter 5 because it has been betaed so now it's looking better than it was lol
> 
> PSA 2: as I've said before and will say again, I am not a doctor and not specialist in cancer, everything you read here is based on research. I apologize for any inaccuracies you may find. I truly try to do my best!


	7. Chapter 7

__

_**Jared** _

When they get inside the house Jensen collapses on the couch, leaning his head against the backrest and closing his eyes. Jared watches him for a few moments, his heart breaking inside. On one hand he’s relieved, Jensen has a chance and that’s much more than he could have hoped for, he was dreading the worst scenario. But on the other hand, as Jensen himself fears, what if things go wrong? What if the worst happens to Jensen?

Jared doesn’t know if he could go on. He can’t even think about it without feeling nauseated. Losing Jensen is _not_ an option. And now there’s a long hard road ahead of them. Jared just hopes he is able to do everything that Jensen needs. When the doctor asked him if he would be Jensen’s primary caregiver, Jared felt nervous. Yes, he _wants_ to do everything for Jensen, wants to take care of his husband, but Jared also honestly realizes he’s limited. He’s constantly adapting, but he doesn’t know what Jensen is going to face, what is he gonna need, to anticipate how he needs to adjust. For the first time in a very long time Jared is dreading he won’t be enough. Jared knows their friends and family will help with anything they can, but Jared _wants_ to be the one truly responsible for Jensen’s care. He needs that - they both do. Ruth was of a great help, giving him that boost of confidence and if she thinks Jared can do it, he will believe her and fight anyone who says otherwise. Jensen needs him and Jared _will_ be there.

After several moments of quiet thinking Jared springs into action, he needs to start taking care of things. He leaves Jensen resting and wheels to the backyard. It feels too quiet without Harley there, they had left him with Chad and Danni before going to Toronto. It’s time to bring their buddy back; pets can help lift spirits and are excellent companions, something Jared is sure Jensen will appreciate more now. Jared fishes his phone out of his pocket and begins the list of calls he needs to make: Jensen’s parents, Chad, Chris, Becky and Steve. He tells all of them they’re back from Toronto and asks if they can come over later tonight as there’s something Jensen and he need to tell them. All of them are very surprised and concerned with the fact that they left the games at the beginning, asking what’s happened, but Jared is adamant that he won’t say anything over the phone. He just asks everyone again that they come over and not to come earlier than planned. He really wants to get some rest with Jensen, let all that information sink in before sharing with everyone else and restore some of their energy for a long emotional night ahead.

When Jared returns to the living room Jensen is still in the same position, so he transfers to the couch next to him. Jensen turns his head and opens his eyes. Jared smiles at him and Jensen lies down, resting his head on Jared’s lap, letting Jared run his fingers through Jensen’s soft spiky hair as he turns on the TV, flipping through the channels until he finds some old reruns of _Friends._

“I called everyone, baby. They will be here later this evening.”

“Kay,” Jensen answers, his eyes glued to the TV. He loves _Friends_.

“Baby,” Jared goes on as he keeps caressing Jensen’s hair, “I’m gonna take some time off from work. Gonna go to the committee tomorrow and talk to them, explain the situation, tell them I need an indefinite leave.”

Jensen turns around so he’s lying on his back and looks up at Jared. “Jay, you don’t need to leave your job, damn it. You love it so much!”

Jared smiles again and takes Jensen’s hand, bringing it up and placing a kiss on it. “I do love it. But I love you way way more. And I want to take care of you, stay by your side through what’s to come. There’s no way I’m going to go to work or be able to focus on work during your treatments. I hope they understand and that I can go back when all of this is over and you’re in remission. We’ve got enough money to cover us for a while. And you’re going to have to take a leave from your office, too. Talk to your team, I’m sure they can run things without you for a while. And when you’re feeling better then maybe we can address working from home a bit too. The doctor said the treatment won’t be easy physically or emotionally, so you should focus your energy only on taking care of yourself right now.”

Jensen bites his lip as he thinks about it, nodding in agreement. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m gonna go talk to them tomorrow as well. Better to not put it off.”

Jared braces his hands on the couch and leans down to kiss Jensen’s mouth. “It’s settled then.”

*

Later, they are both waiting for everyone to arrive and Jared feels damn nervous. They spent a quiet afternoon, just watching TV and eating the food Jared ordered for them - they need to go grocery shopping ASAP - but now it’s almost time. Jared can see Jensen fidgeting, it can’t be easy to tell your friends and family that you’re terribly sick.

The first ones to arrive are Chris, Steve and his wife Lana. They are very concerned, asking right away what’s going on, but Jensen tells them he wants to wait so they only have to say it once. It doesn’t take long for his parents, Becky, David and J.D. to arrive. As they’re all greeting each other, Chad and Danni arrive with Anne and Harley. The dog is incredibly excited to be back home and for seeing his daddies. Both Jared and Jensen spare some time to give Harley attention while grounding themselves before they break the news.

Jared sends Anne to their bedroom to watch some cartoons, then asks everyone to sit down. He can see deep concern in all their faces, especially Jensen’s parents. God, this will be hard. Once they are all settled in the living room, Jensen pulls up a dining room chair and sits in front of them, Jared wheeling immediately to his side. Jensen puts a hand on his thigh and Jared places his own over Jensen’s, squeezing it.

“Thanks for coming, guys…” Jensen starts and Jared can tell how on edge he is. “I… we… we called you because there’s something we need to tell you.”

Donna leans forward on the couch. “Baby, what is going on? Why did you come back early, what is happening?”

Jensen opens his mouth, looking at everyone, and closes it again. He licks his lips and tries one more time. “Something happened, I… it’s just that…” Jensen stops, purses his lips and looks at Jared, his eyes pleading. His breathing is erratic and Jared just knows Jensen will not be able to do this. So Jared gives a small smile, patting Jensen’s hand and nodding. He will have to do it for Jensen. He breaks eye contact and turns his head to address everyone.

“We came back early because we had to. Jensen hasn’t been feeling well for a while and I made him go see a doctor. He went through several exams and tests and we have a final result.” Jared stops a beat to stare at each one of their loved ones before dropping the bomb on them. “Jensen was diagnosed with stage 2 lung cancer.”

Everyone holds their breaths simultaneously and Donna brings both hands to her mouth her eyes grow big in disbelief. There’s absolute silence for a few heartbeats and Chris is the one to break it first.

“What? Are you fucking serious?” Chris looks from Jared to Jensen, as if half expecting both of them to yell “APRIL FOOL’S!”, but Jensen just nods curtly.

“Yeah, It’s true, I…” Jensen looks at Jared before focusing on everyone. “I have cancer.”

The silence stretches, everyone too in shock to speak and Jared decides to explain everything. It’s clear that Jensen won’t be able to manage that right now, so Jared can be his voice.

“It’s actually a result of the dust and smoke he inhaled at the WTC.” Jared watches as he sees understanding light up in each of them. “It’s actually very common that survivors have developed various illnesses from that day even all these years later. There’s a program created specifically for these people. Jensen has a type of cancer called adenocarcinoma, it’s in the beginning of stage two. The doctor told us it’s treatable, but it definitely won’t be an easy journey. Jensen will have to go through a mix of chemotherapy and surgery to remove the tumor. He’s gonna start treatment two days from now. And we’re positive that we will beat this.”

Jared is surprised with his own straightforwardness. But he felt he needed to explain everything at once so they would see it’s not a death sentence, that there is hope. He tries to convey with unspoken words that what they both need is love and support, not pity.

Donna is the first to move, getting up and walking towards Jensen, pulling him into a hug. “Oh my god baby, that is so terrible!” Her voice is wavering and Jensen hugs her back. He actually comforts her, saying it will be okay, soon his father is hugging him too. Everyone follows them, all of their friends wanting to talk to Jensen. Jared wheels aside to give them more space. Chad notices Jared’s movement and approaches him.

“Hey man. How are you holding up?”

Jared shrugs, his jaw set, trying to keep himself together. “It doesn’t matter Chad, Jensen needs me right now and I’m taking care of him.”

Chad looks pointedly at him. “You can’t forget about yourself in all of this, Jaybird.”

Jared doesn’t respond, just keeps himself busy by going into the kitchen to pour himself and Chad some water. He also pours a glass for Jensen, placing it between his legs. Eventually the chatter dies down and Jensen’s gaze travels around until he finds Jared. Everyone sits back down and Jared returns to Jensen’s side, handing him the water. Jensen thanks him, his gaze holding a lot more than just a simple acknowledgement. Jared gets it and gives a small wink. Jensen’s parents sit at the coffee table closest to them, both have tears streaking their faces.

“What happens now baby?” Donna asks and Jensen manages to answer, courage coming to him now that the worst of telling them is over.

“What Jared already told you. I’m going through a lengthy treatment and surgery. The doctor says it will be tough but she gave us hope.”

Donna looks from Jensen to Jared, back to Jensen. “Do you boys want me to come spend some time here to help with everything?”

At that, Jared shakes his head vehemently. “No. There’s no need Donna, but thank you for offering. I’ll take care of Jensen, we’re gonna be just fine.”

For a split second, Jared can see in almost every pair of eyes the same thing he sees in a lot of eyes where his abilities are concerned: disbelief. He knows it’s not on purpose, it’s just an instinctive reaction to what Jared just said. Deep down, they don’t believe Jared is capable of truly taking care of Jensen the way he’ll need to while he himself is disabled. And he’s not mad, just disappointed. It makes him want to prove himself even more. He has become a pro at doing that over the years. He decides to address it right then before any of them can say a thing.

“I know what you’re all thinking. That I won’t be able to care for all of Jensen’s needs by myself.” A few mouths open to protest but Jared holds up a hand. “It’s okay, it’s natural that you feel that way deep down, I guess. Jensen will need a lot of care because of the chemo and the surgery recovery. The fact that I’m paraplegic may make me less capable in your eyes to be his primary caregiver. But I can do this. Even the doctor told me she has faith that I can do it. And I choose to believe her. Of course Jensen is gonna need all of you guys alongside him in this. I’m not suggesting you can’t or shouldn’t help us when we need or ask. But I _am_ gonna be his primary caregiver, I’m fully capable of caring for him and I’m gonna adapt to every situation when I have to. All I ask is for you guys to have faith in me too.”

Jensen immediately takes Jared’s hand and adds on, “I agree with Jared. I fully trust him to take care of me while I’m going through all of what’s to come. I never doubted his abilities and I know he will do just fine. But of course, I could use all of you guys’ support, too.”

Jared’s heart swells with pride hearing Jensen say that. He had no doubts, just hearing it from his mouth in front of everyone that he trusts Jared to take care of him is the final boost Jared needs to fully believe in himself. His husband’s trust is the only thing Jared needs. They share a quick smile as Donna speaks.

“Of course we trust you Jared, I’m so sorry if we made you feel otherwise. This is just so much to take in and I know it won’t be easy for either of you. But I know you can handle it, you are indeed a pro at adapting and this is just another chance to do so, I’m sure. Promise me you’ll call for one of us if there’s anything we can help with, though? We are a team in this, we’re family and we all want the best for my son.”

Jared backs down a bit with Donna’s words. She is right, Jensen is her son and she has to be as worried as he is with the prospect of losing Jensen. She means well and as he has learned through the years, everyone needs help sometimes. So ne nods, smiling at her.

“I will, Donna. I promise.”

Jensen clears his throat. “I know it’s hard to act like everything is okay and I don’t even want that. I know it’s not. But can we at least not act like I’m dying? This is hard enough and I’m trying to keep my head above water. Now we’re all on the same page: I’m sick and have a path forward to getting me back to healthy. I don’t know how it’s gonna go, I may need some space sometimes but please don’t take it personally. As I said, I really need all you guys’ support.”

They all take turns offering love and telling Jared and Jensen they are there for everything they need. After the heavy conversation is over they all try and hang out for a while. Chad decides to order pizza for all of them since nobody has eaten and Jared is actually grateful for a bit of normalcy that brings. Jared spends some time talking to a few folks privately, going through more details about the treatment and again, all of them offer all the assistance they need. Donna also apologizes to him again for acting as if Jared wasn’t capable enough, but he brushes her off.

“Donna, it’s okay. It’s a hard situation, I get it.”

She sniffs. “I just can’t believe Jensen still has to pay the price for being at the WTC. After all these years? He doesn’t deserve it, we’ve been so harsh on him in the past; not accepting him for who he is, then he went through that hell and when we think it’s all in the past…”

She trails off and Jared grabs her hand. “Don’t think like that Donna, please. I know it’s not fair, but it’s a fact of life. We’re gonna beat this, I promise.”

Even though Jared is hurting so much inside he knows he needs to be tough, not only for Jensen but for everyone. Jared honestly hopes he can pull this off. He needs to find even more strength somewhere inside of him.

*

The next day is very busy. Both Jared and Jensen are still emotionally wrung out after the events from last night and after everyone had left, Jensen had called his siblings so they would also know what is happening. Both promised to try and come to New York as soon as possible. They had gone to bed soon after, Jensen spooning Jared as close to his body as possible.

In the morning, after having breakfast, Jared and Jensen go their separate ways to take care of work matters like they had discussed. Jared goes to the committee office and explains his situation, offering to work from home whenever he’s available. His bosses come to an agreement - Jared can help them from home but Jensen’s needs come first. Jared is beyond grateful for their understanding and cooperation.

Once he’s done he makes his way to the Whole Foods store to meet Jensen so they can finally get some food for the house and waits a bit until Jensen arrives. Jared would do the shopping alone no problem but it’s really tricky for him since he can’t actually push the cart and wheel himself at the same time and the handheld basket is just too small. Finally Jensen arrives with a cart and after kissing Jared hello they go around picking up what they want. They usually don’t go to Whole Foods, they aren’t healthy eaters like that - especially Jared with his love for junk food and candy - but Jared himself decided they would start eating healthier. Doctor Ruth had told them it was important for Jensen as getting the right nutrition could help with the treatments and side effects, so Jared told him both of them were doing it. It would be a small sacrifice for Jared but he’s willing to do everything to help Jensen, so they are to do the healthy food route together.

While they shop, Jensen tells Jared that everything went well at his office. His team was devastated to know about Jensen’s illness and they all agreed to step up to take care of things while he’s being treated. Jensen also told them he will be working from home whenever he is able and Jared knows it will help his husband to keep his mind busy with work. That was a big help for Jared himself in those first months after his injury, being able to go back to a job and feel useful. It had driven him crazy to stay home doing nothing all the time, so he knows it’s important for Jensen to keep working if he is able - the distraction will help immensely.

Jensen follows Jared home since they are both using their own cars and along the way Jared’s phone rings. He answers it by pressing the button on the steering wheel, hearing his husband’s voice fill the car. Jensen tells Jared his mother called asking if they would like to come over for lunch, she wanted to do something nice for them. Jared thinks for a second before agreeing, Jensen’s parents must be suffering a lot coming to terms with Jensen’s diagnosis. Since today is the last day before Jensen starts the chemo, Jared can’t blame them for wanting to spend time with him. So Jared makes a detour and Jensen follows him.

Jared parks in front of the house as Jensen pulls up behind him. By the time Jared has his chair assembled and has transferred to it, Donna and Alan are already greeting Jensen. He locks his car and wheels up to them, getting a warm greeting as well.

“Thanks for coming Jared, we just wanted to be around Jensen as much as we can,” she tells Jared as she hugs him.

Jared smiles at her. “It’s okay Donna, I completely understand. Thanks for inviting us!”

They make their way inside the house. Donna and Alan’s home is also completely accessible, they made sure to choose a place that would be wheelchair friendly when they decided to move to New York, it’s a ranch layout with no steps. Jared enjoys it a lot, it makes him feel completely welcomed.

Donna cooks them a delicious lunch with lots of fresh vegetables and a good steak like both boys enjoy. All of them spend some time discussing the details of Jensen’s cancer and the treatment. Jared makes sure to tell them again that the doctor told them it’s treatable. He has to keep telling himself that too, because it’s the only way to remain sane.

A couple hours later they head home and as Jared goes to the bathroom to take care of his needs Jensen puts away the groceries. Once they’re done, both move to the couch to veg in front of the TV for a while, Harley joining them lying down at their feet. Jared can feel Jensen becoming more and more anxious as the hours go by and he understands. It’s the last day before the real journey begins and Jared thinks the best thing is to have a lazy afternoon, just the two of them. Jensen flips through the channels, stopping at ESPN which is currently showing the Parapan Am Games. And it’s the swimming competition. Jared just stares at the TV watching the heats intently. He has been so focused on Jensen and what is coming their way during the last couple of days that he really didn’t even have time to think about the games. Jared had worked along with the rest of the committee for ages in preparation for those games, getting the swimmers ready to bring home as many medals as possible, Jared himself passing all his knowledge on to them.

Jensen clears his throat next to Jared and he blinks a few times, coming back to the present and turns his head to look at his husband. Jensen has a sad look on his face as he clutches the remote in his hands.

“Jay, I’m sorry you had to leave the games. Damn, you were so excited about going, it’s not fair that you had to come home. I’m so sorry.”

Jensen looks honestly miserable, so Jared puts an arm around him, bringing him closer, his face only inches from Jensen’s.

“Baby, it’s okay. Really, it is. Yeah, I wish I could be there, but not being there doesn’t negate my contributions. As I told you many times, you come before _anything_. I am exactly where I want to be right now, you need me and I am here because I choose to be. It’s just another set of games and I’ve been to many of them. There will be others. And you will be there with me for the ones to come. We’re going to Rio together next year, remember? You said the other day how it’s gonna be awesome to see all those beaches in person. It’s gonna be amazing baby and we _will_ be there. That is a promise. But please Jen, don’t beat yourself over the fact that we had to come home. Your health is the most important thing. _You_ are the most important thing. We are a team, remember? Always us against the world. Now let’s watch and hope our guys qualify for the finals.”

Jared plants a sweet kiss on Jensen’s mouth, who smiles into his lips. “Always together.”

*

Later, when they are in bed for the night, Jensen snuggles close to Jared, running a finger down his chest and not meeting his eyes. “Are you gonna stay with me as I’m getting the chemotherapy?”

Jared puts a finger under Jensen’s chin and lifts his face. “Do you even have to ask that question? I wouldn’t leave even if they tried to kick me out. I’ll tell them I have a flat tire and can’t wheel myself. They will feel sorry for me and allow me to stay.”

Jensen chuckles and whispers. “Good.”

Jared leans over and plants a kiss on Jensen’s forehead. “Get some sleep, baby. Tomorrow will be a long day.”

It takes a while for Jensen to fall asleep, they just hold onto each other for a while, Jared caressing his hair, listening for the tell tale change in breathing that his husband has drifted off. Jared has too much on his mind to follow him into slumber right away and now that Jensen is sleeping Jared finally allows the tears he has been holding back to fall down his face. He’s trying to keep a brave façade for Jensen’s sake, but the truth is, Jared is terrified. Terrified with the prospect of losing Jensen, of having to watch him go through such a hard treatment and worried his best won’t be enough. Jared has done some research and he knows it won’t be easy at all, his heart aches for his husband. Jensen has told him more than once that he would give Jared his legs if he could and Jared knows that he would instantly go through this hard treatment instead of Jensen if it was possible.

He pinches his eyes shut with his fingers, tears freely streaming down his face. He suddenly remembers the wish he makes on every one of his birthdays. Always the same thing, ever since his first birthday after finding Jensen again.

He reaches into the drawer on his nightstand and comes out with his rosary, the one that belonged to his mother and had helped Jensen to survive once already. Today is not Jared’s birthday but he cheats, making a wish anyway from the bottom of his heart, his face buried in his clasped hands, the rosary held tight between them like a silent prayer. Jared begs.

_Please let Jensen stay._

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again for reading it and for sticking with this verse! Now everyone knows about the cancer, and Jensen's battle can finally begin. And also there's Jared... it's not being easy for him as well. The long they have to face now won't be easy at all. As usual, please lemme know what you guys think! I really appreciate it!
> 
> by the way, I want to share that I've just hit the 50k words mark in this fic and I'm in awe! I thought the whole fic could be this long, but there's still so much to write! I'm not even guessing a word count anymore because I always get it wrong lol, so be aware it's gonna be a long one. Already 11 chapters completed! <3


	8. Chapter 8

_**Jensen** _

When Jensen wakes up, he’s feeling terrified before he even opens his eyes. He doesn’t know for sure what time it is but he knows he must be at the hospital soon. Today his battle starts and he has no real idea what to expect. Sure, he’s been told the process and the basics, but the emotional toll, he doesn’t know how that will go. Jensen knows he must fight hard, he has a long road ahead of him, but damn he’s just so scared. Before he can give it any more thought he feels the mattress dip beside him and he slowly opens his eyes. Jared is arranging himself on the bed and that’s when Jensen realizes it smells wonderful in their bedroom. So he flips onto his back and looks up, finding Jared looking down at him and smiling.

“Morning, love,” Jared says, caressing Jensen’s hair softly. “Today I managed to bring you breakfast in bed. I hope you’re not too anxious so you can eat at least a little bit.”

Jensen looks behind Jared at the tray placed on the nightstand. He can see a pile of pancakes with a lot of syrup, just the way Jensen likes them, and his mug filled with hot coffee. Jensen can’t help but smile, he knows how much Jared loves to make pancakes for them to eat together. He had confided that years ago when Jensen stayed the night on Jared’s couch after his breakdown, Jared had wanted to make pancakes for him in the morning. At the time, he was still adjusting to the wheelchair so he didn’t quite have the skills and dexterity yet but he’d decided he was gonna work on it so he could make pancakes for Jensen the next time he stayed. Back then they weren’t together though and Jared had his own doubts that Jensen would indeed stay over again.

However, Jensen did, countless times. And eventually Jared did learn how to make pancakes, which turned into a special thing between them. Jared makes them and they always share a plate filled with pancakes with lots of syrup.

“How did you know I like pancakes?” Jensen teases to lighten the mood and Jared chuckles. He sits up and kisses Jared, then leans back against the headboard. Jared positions himself next to him and carefully picks up the tray, placing it on their laps. Neither of them talk as they share their breakfast, the taste of Jared’s delicious fluffy pancakes helping to put Jensen more at ease.

“Thank you Jay,” Jensen says as he eats the last bite.

Jared leans over and plants a lingering kiss on Jensen’s temple. “Always the best for you, baby.” He puts the tray aside and looks at Jensen. “Ready to do this?”

Jensen lets out a deep breath, looking straight ahead. He wants to act tough, tell Jared he’s so ready, that he’s got this. But the truth is, he isn’t, he doesn’t. He’s completely terrified of what he’s gonna face. And he promised Jared he wouldn’t lie to him anymore. So he doesn’t. He turns his head so he can look into Jared’s eyes, his brows drawn together in worry.

“Not really.”

Jared reaches out for his hand, entwining their fingers and caressing the back of his hand with his thumb.

“We’ve got this, my love. Think about the kid we’re gonna adopt when this is over. The family we will build soon. The two of us, parents.”

Jensen pauses to picture that and he can’t help the tear that falls down his face. God, how much he wants to see their little family grow. He needs to go through this so he and Jared can have their child. They need to continue their happy ending, expand on it, share it. Jensen swallows hard and just nods, his throat too tight to speak as he squeezes Jared’s hand. His husband touches their foreheads together and smiles fondly at him.

“Don’t call me a sap, okay?” Jared whispers and Jensen instantly knows what’s coming, he just holds his breath waiting to see what song Jared will choose when his husband starts singing in a low voice.

 _Brother, let me be your shelter_  
_Never leave you all alone_  
_I can be the one you call_  
_When you’re low_

Jensen’s eyes well up when Jared sings those words. He always sings this song to Jared, the meaning of the lyrics very clear. Jensen has helped Jared through his darkest times and even though Jared lives his life perfectly fine now, Jensen always wants to make sure Jared knows he’s there for him. Now their roles are reversed and it’s Jensen who needs Jared more than ever. His husband touches his face with his free hand and Jensen leans into it as Jared continues to sing.

 _Brother, let me be your fortress_  
_When the night winds are driving on_  
_Be the one to light the way_  
_Bring you home_

Jared has a wonderful singing voice, even if he himself doesn’t think so. And that heartfelt message through song gives Jensen the bit of the confidence he needs to start this. Staring deeply into his husband’s soulful hazel eyes, Jensen feels a tiny spark of hope. He gives Jared a small smile and whispers as the tears roll down his face.

“Let’s do this.”

*

Jared drives them to the hospital early as the doctor had asked Jensen to arrive a couple of hours before the first chemo session so he could prepare. Jared holds his hand during the whole ride, the warm reassurance of contact helps put Jensen more at ease, his heart managing to stop racing as it calms down. When they arrive, they check in and wait until Doctor Connell is ready to see them. Finally the receptionist says they can go inside. The doctor greets them with a bright smile.

“Hello Jensen! How are you feeling today?”

Jensen shrugs. “Don’t take me wrong Ruth but I do wish I was somewhere else.”

Ruth keeps the smile on her face. “It’s completely understandable. But we’re starting your healing process and we are doing everything we can to help you along the way. Shall we start?”

Jensen nods and walks over to her desk. He’s glad to see she has already pushed one of the chairs aside to make room for Jared. Jensen enjoys when people take Jared’s needs into consideration. Once they are all settled, Ruth explains to them how everything is going to work. First she asks Jensen to sign some papers, including the form so he can be included in the WTC Health Program and also his permission to receive the chemotherapy. She explains to Jensen how the access to his vein works so he can receive the chemo, advising him to have the access device implanted so they don’t have to put needles in his small veins each time, which could damage them long term. She explains the difference between a PICC and a port; from what she says Jensen thinks he would be more comfortable with a port, since with a PICC he would have lines coming out of his body all the time and would have to protect them each time he showered since they can’t get wet. The PICC also carries a higher risk of infection and that information makes Jared lean towards the port too. The port is inserted under his skin, and although it also has its own risks, it’s safer. Jensen agrees to that after a quick look to check in with Jared.

Ruth also explains how the chemotherapy itself works and the side effects he could experience, especially during the 48 hours following each session. Once everything is explained and questions answered, a nurse takes Jensen to have his blood drawn so they can make sure his labwork results still indicate he is good to receive the chemo. Then he’s taken to a room where the port can be inserted as it is a small surgical procedure. He’s given a local anesthetic and mild sedation during which a surgeon places the device in his upper chest. When Jensen wakes up - he hadn’t realized he fell asleep - he’s in another room with Jared by his bedside.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Jared says in a sweet voice. Jensen notices he’s holding his hand, so he squeezes it in response.

“Is everything okay?”

Jared nods. “Yes. They inserted the port in your chest, but since it’s a small surgery you need a little while to recover from the anesthetic and sedation before the next step. The doctor said the chemo will start in a few hours, so just take some time to rest.”

They both spend the few hours trying to do just that. Jensen talks to his parents and Chris on the phone, they all want to know how everything is going. Donna wants to come over, but Jensen asks her not to. There’s not much they could do here anyway as only one person is allowed with him in the infusion room where he will be receiving the chemo and that person is Jared. Eventually a nurse brings a small lunch to Jensen and he convinces Jared to go grab a bite of something for himself. He knows his husband wouldn’t go if Jensen didn’t make him. Jared leaves reluctantly but returns in record time.

In the afternoon, Jensen is taken up to the infusion room. He’s feeling okay after the small surgery, there’s now a small lump on his upper chest where the port is located. Jensen is feeling more anxious by the minute, he doesn’t really know what to expect in the infusion room and he’s glad Jared is there with him. The room is big, with a lot of comfortable chairs and there are people in a few of them receiving treatments of their own. A few heads turn as Jensen and Jared pass by, the nurse directs them to an empty chair. She introduces herself as Alaina, takes Jensen’s vitals and tells him the medication takes about half an hour to arrive, since they need to be mixed right before being used.

Jensen keeps quiet until the drugs arrive, Jared by his side keeping silent company. Jensen really doesn’t feel like talking and he’s still feeling sore from the port insert. He’s not entirely happy about having a lump in his chest for god knows how long but he guesses it’s better than having tubes sticking out of his arm all the time.

Alaina returns with the drugs and after cleaning the area where his port is located, she inserts a needle in it attached to a thin tube that connects to a bag where the medicine is. Then she puts a transparent patch over the port to protect the area. The nurse tells him it can take up to a few hours to get all the drugs inside him and when Jensen doesn’t have any further questions she leaves him alone. Jensen turns his head to find Jared, who is sitting by his side. As he reaches out Jared promptly takes his hand and Jensen feels instantly warmer.

“How are you feeling baby?” Jared asks in a low voice, holding his hand between both of his.

Jensen shrugs. “Okay for now, I guess.”

About an hour passes and Jensen finally begins to make small talk to some other patients who are close to him, Jared joining in a bit. It’s clear that a few recognize Jared, but nobody mentions it for now. Jensen actually relaxes a bit, everyone he talks to are extremely nice and positive people, they all have the same goal in mind which is to get healthy again. If he’s honest with himself, Jensen was expecting a much more depressing environment but he’s relieved to find that’s not the case at all. He notices that most of the people here are friends, they probably have had more than one chemo session together. They help put Jensen and Jared more at ease, sharing their own experiences and making Jensen comfortable enough to share his own. Eventually Jared tells Jensen he needs to go to the bathroom, asking if he’s gonna be okay.

“I sure will be baby, don’t worry. Not going anywhere.” Jensen knows Jared doesn’t like leaving him alone at a time like this, but Jared has needs of his own and Jensen is doing fine, he’s not feeling anything odd yet. One look at Jared’s face tells Jensen that his husband is masking the fact that he’s in pain. Jared has been in his wheelchair nonstop since that morning and it’s now the middle of the afternoon. It’s not good for Jared to stay in his chair for long hours without a change of position since it can cause his back to hurt and spasm with the neuropathic pain he has sometimes. Jensen doesn’t understand very well how it works, but he knows Jared suffers from it, even with the medicine he takes. Of course Jared will never admit to Jensen he’s uncomfortable when Jensen himself is receiving medical treatment. Jensen had considered telling Jared to go home and then come back for him, but he also knows Jared would not leave his side so he didn’t even bother. He would have done the same.

Now Jensen is worried about Jared; he may even damage his skin if he stays in the same position for too long. So when Jared leaves for the bathroom Jensen calls Alaina over to ask her if Jared could use one of the comfortable chairs that aren’t being used by patients, explaining that he’s paralyzed and could use a change of position since they’ve been here for so many hours.

“Oh sure thing dear! Let me get a chair over here so your boy can be close to you!” The smiling nurse drags a chair up next to Jensen’s and he thanks her. He figures he will be seeing Alaina a lot during his treatments and he’s glad she’s very nice and helpful.

Jared returns after about twenty minutes, eyeing the chair that magically appeared next to Jensen with curiosity.

“What’s that, Jen?”

“I asked Alaina if you could use one of the chairs while we’re here so you can have a break from your wheelchair for a while.” Jared opens his mouth, probably to say it isn’t necessary, but Jensen cuts him off. “I know you’re in pain baby. The doctor said you need to take care of yourself too, remember?”

Jared stares at Jensen for a couple seconds, then just hangs his head and nods. “Yeah, you’re right I guess. Damn you for knowing me so well.”

Jensen smiles as he watches Jared position himself and swiftly change to the softer chair. He rearranges his wheelchair so it’s facing him, then lifts and places his legs on the seat of it, stretching them out. Jared leans back and sighs, closing his eyes.

“Better?” Jensen asks, looking at him.

Jared takes the proffered hand and brings it to his mouth, planting a kiss on it. “Much better. Thanks baby.”

It’s another couple of hours until all drugs have trickled their way inside Jensen and he’s allowed to go home. Alaina takes the needle out of the port, bandages his chest, then proceeds to take his vitals again. By this point Jensen is feeling kind of odd, he’s a bit nauseated and he can’t wait to get home. Before being discharged, Doctor Connell comes to check on him, to see how he’s doing after his first session and also to give him instructions for when he’s back home. Jensen is only half listening, so very glad Jared is with him so his husband can pay attention to whatever the doctor is saying.

Once he’s cleared to leave, Jared touches his arm and when Jensen looks down he can see Jared has a concerned look on his face. “Baby, are you feeling okay?”

Jensen frowns. “I’m feeling a bit sick to my stomach. Let’s just go home, please.”

Jared nods and Alaina hands him a basin. “In case he feels sick during the ride home.” Jared thanks her and puts the basin on his lap, reaching out to take Jensen’s hand and together they make their way to the parking lot. Once they’re inside the car, Jensen puts the basin on his lap and closes his eyes, relieved that Jared is driving. All he wants right now is to lie down on his bed and get some rest. He’s feeling utterly worn out.

_**Jared** _

Jensen drifts in and out of sleep during the ride home from the hospital, which allows Jared some time to breathe a little. He feels like he has been holding his breath ever since they arrived at the hospital that morning and he’s glad it’s over for today. Of course there’s a long road ahead, this is only the beginning, but Jared is bringing Jensen home and that’s what matters. He prays he can always bring Jensen home.

When Jared parks in the driveway, Jensen sleepily opens his eyes and looks at him. “That was fast.”

Jared chuckles and caresses Jensen’s hair. “That’s because you abandoned me during the ride, silly.”

Jensen gives him a half smile and Jared proceeds to assemble his chair. Instead of Jensen stowing it in the trunk like they usually do when they ride together, Jared had put it in the backseat himself knowing Jensen would feel tired after the chemo session and Jared didn’t want him to have to deal with his wheelchair on top of it. Once Jared has transferred to it, Jensen slowly gets out of the car, immediately feeling his body rebel when he is up on his feet. All color drains from his face and he covers his mouth with a hand. Jared knows what’s coming, but instead of using the basin Jensen runs inside, fishing out his keys from his front pocket and quickly unlocking the door, disappearing inside the house. Jared locks the car and follows him, wheeling after Jensen as fast as he can. He heads to their bedroom and can hear Jensen retching in the en suite bathroom.

When Jared reaches it, he finds Jensen kneeling down in front of the toilet, heaving inside it. Jared positions his chair sideways behind Jensen, placing one firm arm around Jensen’s chest to keep him up and gripping his wheel with his other hand so he can keep his own balance. Jared murmurs silly nothings to reassure Jensen until he’s finished and when it’s over Jensen collapses on the floor, resting his back against Jared’s wheel. Jared keeps his arm around Jensen and caresses his hair with his other hand for a while until his breathing becomes less erratic. Jared reaches out and grabs a towel, gently cleaning Jensen’s face. Then he lowers the lid on the toilet and flushes it twice.

Doctor Connell and Alaina told them that they must safely eliminate Jensen’s bodily fluids during the next 48 hours after treatment since the drugs are running through his system and they could harm other people if exposed. Jared throws the towel inside the tub, intending to take care of it later, since his focus is strictly on Jensen. Holding onto the sink with one hand for support, Jared leans down sideways so he can come closer to Jensen’s face. “Baby, can you get up? We need to get you to bed so you can rest.”

Jared suddenly hates that he can’t pick Jensen up and carry him to the bed, it would be much easier. It strikes him for the first time that he really _is_ limited and can’t do everything for Jensen like he wants to. Before Jared can dwell on it too much though, Jensen slowly nods and starts getting up. Jared offers a hand and helps Jensen to his feet. His husband smiles tiredly at him and after washing his face and quickly brushing his teeth he walks back to their bedroom, Jared right behind him. Jensen plops down on the bed and starts bending down to take off his shoes, but Jared places a hand on his shoulder, stopping him. “Just lay down baby, I’ve got this.”

Jensen gives him a bitch face. “Jay, I _can_ take off my own shoes, you know that, right?”

Jared just raises an eyebrow at him. “Yes. Just as you know I can put my own shoes on.”

Jensen’s face shows Jared he has won this one. There are times when Jensen asks Jared if he can put on his shoes for him. It’s not often, since Jensen lets Jared be independent just as he likes to be but he does it sometimes. It’s an intimate gesture between them that started back at Steve’s wedding all those years ago when they were getting ready for the ceremony and Jensen asked for the first time if he could. “Let me just take care of you, baby. Please.”

It’s not just about the shoes. Jared really does need to take care of Jensen. Jensen has looked after him so many times, he has done so much for Jared and now it’s finally time for Jared to do the same for Jensen. Even if Jensen has needed Jared plenty of times in the past, nothing compares to now. Jared wants to help Jensen through it and he also wants to prove to himself that he can do it. Jensen seems to pick up on the unspoken thoughts and he sighs, lying down on the bed. Jared takes off his shoes and socks, followed by his jeans. He grabs sweatpants from a chair in the corner of the room and helps Jensen into them. “Do you need anything else, baby?”

“Your hoodie?” Jensen asks in a sleepy voice and Jared chuckles. Jensen loves this old _I Love NY_ hoodie that Jared owns, he’d bought it when he first moved here almost twenty years ago. It’s damn old and worn thin but Jensen likes to wear it when he’s not feeling so good. He says it comforts him. Jared hasn’t worn it himself for a long time but he keeps it for his husband. So he fetches it from the closet and hands it to Jensen, who immediately pulls it on. He lies back down and Jared covers him with the blanket, noticing his husband is half asleep already. He leans down and plants a soft kiss on Jensen’s temple.

“Get some rest, baby. I’ll make some soup if you feel like eating something later.”

Jensen nods but doesn’t open his eyes, so Jared lets him rest. He closes the drapes so the room is dark and before leaving he goes back to the closet and grabs his braces and crutches, placing them on his lap and wheeling to the living room. Jared has been in his chair all day long, under a lot of stress and his body is complaining. He always likes to take some time to walk around whenever he can, so he can reach his full height and stretch his body. Jared moves to the couch and as he’s strapping the braces over his pants - he usually wears them under his pants but he’s too lazy to do that now - his phone rings. When Jared picks it up from the coffee table, he sees it’s Chad. His friend asks how everything went and if it’s okay to come over. Jared hesitates only for a second before saying yes. Jared could use Chad’s company right now. When Jared hangs up, he then calls Donna to let her know how everything went - she’d been calling and texting all day long and now Jared makes sure to take some time to tell her the details and let her know that Jensen is resting now.

When their conversation is over Jared gets up from the couch with the help of his crutches and there’s a knock on the door. Jared slowly walks over to open it, he had asked Chad not to ring the doorbell so as not to wake Jensen up. Chad greets Jared and follows him to the kitchen so he can prepare the soup for Jensen. As Jared picks up everything he needs, Chad sits down on the counter stool.

“How was everything today, Jaybird?”

Jared briefly tells him how things went while he chops assorted fresh vegetables, leaning his body on the sink for balance so he can use his hands.

“And now he’s sleeping. I’ve read that fatigue is one of the side effects of the chemo though I’m sure him getting sick exacerbated that.” Jared finishes without looking up from his task. He hears Chad getting up from the stool and walking towards him. Tilting his head Jared can see Chad leaning sideways on the sink next to him, his arms crossed over his chest.

“And how are _you_ feeling in all of this, Jare?”

Jared doesn’t answer for a few moments, concentrating on putting everything inside the pan to cook and adding the broth and spices. Then he places both palms on the sink and looks at Chad. “As I’ve told you before, it doesn’t matter, Chad. Jensen needs me right now and I’m taking care of my husband. That’s all.”

Chad lifts an eyebrow at him. “That’s bullshit, Jare. There’s no way you aren’t suffering just as damn much watching Jensen going through this. I know you and I’m sure you’re hiding your emotions underneath this brave façade of yours. When did you guys find out about the cancer anyway? I thought it had been before the trip but then you wouldn’t have gone if I know you. Did Jensen get his diagnosis while you guys were in Toronto? I didn’t understand that part very well.”

Jared sighs and reaches for his crutches which had been leaning on the sink beside him before slowly turning around and making a motion with his head. “Let’s go sit down while this cooks.” Jared walks to the couch and plops down on it, Chad sitting right beside him. Jared then proceeds to tell Chad how everything really went down; how Jensen hid from Jared the fact that he was so seriously sick. He can see his friend getting angry with what Jensen did and Jared hurries to change that.

“I understand now why Jensen did it. At first I was so incredibly pissed, I said horrible things to him that I regret so much now. I get it Chad, really, and if the situation was reversed, I would have done the same. Jensen didn’t want me to cancel the trip I had been so excited about, he would have felt like a burden if I stayed behind for him. And as someone who knows pretty damn well how it is to feel like a burden, I get it. So I let this go.”

Chad licks his lips and stares at Jared. He knows his friend understands what he means. Jared used to feel like a huge burden not only to Jensen but to Chad as well when he first became paralyzed. Chad had found a new place for them to live since their old apartment had stairs and wasn’t functional to Jared. While Jared was in the hospital Chad got everything ready, adapted their new place for Jared’s needs and did everything for him during those hard first several months. Jared used to feel so bad that his friend had to do so much for him. Jared gets lost for a few moments reflecting on those days and Chad picks up on it.

“Jare, you do know you were never a burden, right?” Chad speaks emphatically while placing a hand on Jared’s shoulder. “Everything I did for you was because you needed me and you are my best friend. You had just been fucking _paralyzed_ Jared, you were going through your worst and you needed me, I wish I could have done even more for you. And you can be sure as hell I would do everything again. So yeah, I guess you’re right. I can’t really understand what Jensen is going through and I can’t judge him. I’m glad you guys are on the same page now. But I’m serious, Jay. You’re acting all tough but I know you’re hurting too. I understand why you need to keep up a brave face for Jensen but if you ever need to talk you know I’m here for you.”

Jared looks down and purses his lips. Chad is more right than he knows, he has been bottling everything up inside and he knows for a fact that can’t end well. “I’m terrified, Chad. I’ve never been more scared in my life, not even back then. It’s only the beginning but I’m scared to look away for fear that Jensen will be gone. I can’t lose Jensen, Chad. I don’t know what…” Jared trails off as he feels his eyes welling up. Chad squeezes his shoulder and Jared looks up.

“I can’t tell you that everything will be alright man, I wish I could. I don’t know how these things work. And I know there’s no point in telling you not to worry so much because I know it’s pointless. But I _can_ promise you I’m here to watch out for you as you care for Jensen.”

Jared wants to argue that he really doesn’t need that right now, that their focus has to be Jensen, but he’s too drained to argue, so he just nods. It actually feels good to have Chad as his best friend, someone he can talk to without adding even more to Jensen’s stress. Jared does feel a tad lighter after admitting to his friend how scared he is. Maybe Chad is right. Just a little bit, though.

*

Jared finishes cooking the soup when Chad leaves. As it simmers, he takes off his braces and returns to his chair, going to check on Jensen. He is right where Jared left him and as he runs his fingers through the soft spiky tresses his husband slowly opens his eyes and Jared smiles instantly.

“Evening, sleepyhead. How are you feeling?”

Jensen stretches up a bit and murmurs, “A bit better, I guess.”

“Do you think you can handle some soup?”

Jensen nods and gets up, despite Jared offering to bring the soup to him, claiming he wants to go to the living room. He sits on the couch as Jared goes to the kitchen and fills two bowls with the soup and places them on a tray, carrying it on his lap back to the living room. Jensen takes the tray from him as Jared transfers to the couch and together they eat. Jensen doesn’t finish his, saying his stomach is not 100%, but Jared is glad he at least had some of it.

They decide on a cheesy movie to watch and Jensen snuggles closer. Jared places an arm around his shoulders as Jensen leans into his chest. Jared pulls him even closer and buries his nose in Jensen’s hair, trying to capture his scent as much as he can. With his other hand he touches his front pocket, where he kept his rosary. He took it to the hospital to give him a bit more strength during Jensen’s session. It’s something he plans on doing during the whole treatment.

Jared squeezes the beads as he plants a lingering kiss against Jensen’s hair, a single thought on loop in his mind ever since this whole thing started. _Let him stay_.

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy here we are again for one more chapter! first of all, I haven't thanked them in a while, But I REALLY want to thank my beta Heather for the dedication in making this story even better and my amazing artist Kaelysta for sticking with me during this whole verse. I would be nothing without you guys! Also, I know I've said it before but I am NOT a cancer specialist or a doctor by any means, just as I'm not a specialist in spinal cord injury. Everything in here is based on RESEARCH only, so if there's any inaccurancies I truly apologize, I try to do my best. So, Jensen finally started his long road and he's already suffering some side effects from the chemo. Also, I love that Chad is taking care of Jared because he needs it too (don't forget Jared's suffering because well... stay tuned to know more in the future!) What did you guys think of this chapter and the fic altogether? You know I love to hear your thoughs!
> 
> Oh, lemme show you something, remember when I told you guys about the amazing moment Jared gave me at Nolacon when he hugged me a few chapters back? I comissioned amazing artist Kamidiox to recreate this moment and [here's the result](http://bitchjerk.com/post/167921273528/at-nolacon-a-month-ago-i-had-the-most-amazing)! I'm so in love with it, she's incredible! 
> 
> And to finish, this is the last chapter of 2017, thank you for sticking with me throughout this whole verse this year and I'll see you guys for a brand new chapter in 2018! Hope you all have amazing holidays!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter - Wait for it!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_a46WJ1viA)   
> 

_**** _

 

_**Jared** _

Jared and Jensen stay at home the next day so Jensen can rest and recover from the first chemo session. Jensen’s parents show up for lunch; Donna actually brings homemade food for them and Jared appreciates the kindness. Jensen manages to eat a bit more than yesterday, and Jared counts that as a victory. Chris also shows up to check on Jensen, and after that his husband spends a couple of hours sleeping.

While Jensen rests, Jared cleans up the house a bit and then takes the time to check on his emails and text messages since he has stayed away from everything for the past couple of days. Suddenly there are lots of them, pretty much all of them asking the same things.

_Fuck._

Jared is still on the couch going through his inbox and wondering how he’s going to handle this when Jensen emerges from the bedroom, a small smile and pillow marks on his face.

“Hey love, got a good rest?” Jared asks, patting the couch next to him. Jensen wastes no time joining his husband, and Jared plants a kiss on the back of Jensen’s hand.

“Yeah I did, it was good. What’s bothering you?”

Damn it, Jensen knows Jared so well. Jared literally can’t hide anything from his man, Jensen picks up on every one of his moods. So he doesn’t even bother trying to hide it.

“I’ve been receiving a lot of messages actually,” Jared starts, shrugging. “People are asking why I am back from Toronto while the games are still happening, since I said so many times I was going to be there. Also, there are some reports that I was seen at the oncology center, and of course they are asking what’s happening, if I am sick. I’ve received some emails from some newspapers and sports mags asking for a statement. I just don’t know what to tell them, that’s all.”

Jensen squeezes Jared’s hand and gives him a thoughtful look. “Just tell the truth,” Jensen says as if it’s the most simple thing in the world, and maybe it is?

“You don’t mind sharing with everyone what’s going on with you?” Jared asks, frowning.

Jensen shrugs. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I have cancer, so do a lot of other people. It’s not like it’s a big secret.” Jensen uses his free hand to caress Jared’s hair. “It’s okay to say it baby, everyone who matters to us already knows it anyway. I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you make a post on Instagram, summing up what’s happening? It will answer all the questions.”

Jared bites his bottom lip. It’s incredible how his husband always has the right answers. “Are you sure about that?”

Jensen leans over and plants a kiss on Jared’s temple. “I am sure. Why don’t you do it now?”

Jared nods, drawing the strength he needs to do it from Jensen’s warmth. So he takes a picture of their joined hands with entwined fingers resting on Jared’s thigh, Jensen’s wedding band on display. Jared uses a filter on Instagram to turn the picture black and white, and types out a long caption:

_“Hey guys. I’ve been receiving a lot of messages for the past several days, people wondering why I am not in Toronto anymore for the Parapan Am Games, and why I was seen at an oncology center. I decided, together with my husband, to come here and let you guys know what’s happening. You’ve always given me nothing but support during these past years so you deserve for me to be honest. My husband Jensen was diagnosed with a type of lung cancer called adenocarcinoma. It’s in the beginning of stage 2, and it’s a result of the inhalation of toxic chemicals from the World Trade Center. I returned from Toronto before the games started because the main priority in my life has always been, and will always be, my husband. He has started treatment and I am going to be by his side on every step of the way. And as much as I love paralympic swimming and was looking forward to the games, nothing is more important to me than Jensen. We are confident he will make a full recovery. I am not giving any interviews or answering any more questions for now, since my only focus at this moment is Jensen’s health and well-being. I ask everyone to please respect our privacy in this delicate moment, and to keep Jensen in your thoughts. We appreciate all the concern, and I will get back to you soon. Love, Jared and Jensen.”_

After showing it to Jensen and receiving an okay, Jared posts it and lets out a deep breath. “You were right, I guess it was easy indeed.”

Jensen kisses Jared again. “One less thing to worry about.”

_**Jensen** _

A few days later, Jensen has his second chemo session, and it’s not much better than the first. Jensen quickly learned that he doesn’t like them at all, the medications leave him feeling weird and nauseated. And he knows he has many more sessions ahead of him, which doesn’t really help improve his mood. Jared goes with him of course, he hasn’t left his husband’s side ever since the treatment began and for that, Jensen is grateful. Jared has been his rock through this, and it feels much better to be able to share this burden. He’s still scared shitless, but having Jared with him makes it more bearable.

Jensen feels like shit after the session, just like the first time. He arrives home only to puke his guts out again, and Jared helps him through it again. He feels cranky and tired, wants nothing more than to get some sleep, but his mother had other plans and decides to stop by for an unannounced visit. When Jensen hears her voice after Jared opens the door for her, he groans inwardly.

“Hey baby! Just wanted to come by and see how you’re doing, Jared let me know when you boys were leaving the center and heading home.” Donna walks to where he’s sitting on the couch and Jensen briefly looks at Jared who’s wheeling behind her. His husband shrugs apologetically, mouthing a _sorry, she asked,_ and Jensen gives him a small nod. His mom puts a bag on the coffee table and sits down next to him, giving Jensen a hug. “How are you feeling baby? I made you something nice to eat, just as you like it.”

Jensen grimaces, just the mere thought of eating something makes his stomach turn. He tries to fake a smile to his mom anyways. “I’m actually kinda tired, mom. The sessions are pretty draining. Thank you for the food though, I’ll eat it later.”

Donna stays for a while, wanting to know more about the treatment and everything that’s going on now, but Jensen feels too tired to talk so he lets Jared do it. It’s only when Jensen dozes off while listening to his husband’s soothing voice that Donna decides to let him rest. Jared follows her to the door to see her out before joining him on the couch.

“Sorry baby, didn’t know she was coming,” Jared offers, running a hand down Jensen’s face.

Jensen kisses his palm and smiles at his husband. “It’s okay. I know she worries, I don’t want to keep her from coming. She’s my mom after all. Thank you for doing all the talking though.”

“Anytime. Want to hang around here or go to bed?”

Jensen decides to stay on the couch. Jared places a pillow on his lap and Jensen lies down, resting his head on it. Jared runs his fingers through his hair, and Jensen drifts on and off while they watch old reruns.

As it turns out, Jensen really can’t eat anything else for the rest of the day, he just feels too queasy. Jared tries to get him to eat something - anything, offers to make mashed potatoes that Jensen loves but he just can’t. When it’s time to go to bed, Jensen feels even more like shit. A headache is starting to form and isn’t that just what he needs?

When Jared comes out of the bathroom after his nightly routine, he wheels up to Jensen with concern on his face. “Baby, what are you feeling? Do you need something?”

Jared gently runs his thumb between Jensen’s eyebrows, he hadn’t even noticed he had a frown. “My head hurts.”

“I’ll get you something.” Jensen watches as Jared wheels out of their room, and comes back a few minutes later with a water bottle on his lap, which he hands it to Jensen along with a pill. “Here, take this. Alaina had told me that if you had a headache, it was safe to take that.”

Jensen sits up on the bed, grateful that his husband has prepared for the side effects. He takes the pill and downs it with water, then puts the bottle on the nightstand and lies down. He watches as Jared places a pack with more pills beside it, then turns to him.

“Do you need anything else, Jen?”

Jensen offers him a small smile. “If I could have my Hot Wheels here with me, that would be great.”

Jared smiles and wheels to the other side of the bed, transferring to it and turning onto his side. Jensen scoots over until they’re close and Jared covers them both, then turns off the bedside lamp as Jensen does the same. Jared plants a lingering kiss on Jensen’s forehead, who feels a tad better.

“Try and get some sleep, baby. This was a long day.” Jared places a hand on his cheek and Jensen leans into it. He would love to give Jared a proper kiss, but he’s too drained to think about that, and most importantly, they have to be extra careful with his bodily fluids for 48 hours after the chemo session. He would never do anything that could harm Jared.

Despite being exhausted though, Jensen can’t sleep. His head is still bothering him but he doesn’t want to take more pills, he has enough drugs inside of him already. The whole treatment is making him feel weird, off, there are a lot of things percolating inside his body and mind as well. He tosses and turns for a while, trying to be subtle as not to wake Jared, but eventually he feels a hand on his shoulder when he’s facing the other way.

“Jen?” Jared calls in a sleepy voice, and Jensen turns around.

“Sorry for waking you, baby. Go back to sleep.”

Jared props his head on his elbow and blinks a few times as if to be able to focus on Jensen more. “Can’t sleep?”

Jensen shakes his head. “No. My mind is just too full right now, my head still hurts and I don’t want to take anything else. I don’t know, just can’t drift off. But don’t worry. You had a long day today as well, go back to sleep. I’ll get there eventually.”

Jared studies Jensen for a few moments and then he sighs, rearranging his body so he’s lying on his back and holds up an arm to Jensen. “Come here, baby.”

Jensen goes and Jared wraps his arms around him, bringing him closer. Jensen lies his head on Jared’s chest, who holds him tighter. Jensen feels better instantly, but he knows this isn’t a good position for Jared to sleep in. He always sleeps either on his side or stomach as to take the pressure off his butt and the back of his legs to avoid sores.

“Baby, you shouldn’t…” Jensen starts, but Jared cuts him off.

“Shh. It’s okay, Jen. Just relax.”

Jensen wants to protest further, but he just feels so damn comfortable right now, the rise and fall of Jared’s chest doing wonders to calm him. But there’s one thing that would be even better.

“Jay?” Jensen looks up, meeting his husband’s questioning hazel eyes. “Can I ask you something?”

Jared places a sweet kiss on the top of Jensen’s head. “Anything.”

“Will you sing to me?”

Jared frowns. “Are you sure?” Jensen knows Jared feels self conscious about his singing voice, he rarely sings and it’s only to Jensen and on special occasions. But Jensen absolutely adores Jared’s raspy voice. It’s the best sound in the world to him.

“Absolutely. Just choose something. Please?”

Jared smiles and Jensen looks down again, waiting for what Jared will choose. His husband runs a hand over Jensen’s back, and covers his hand with the other. A few minutes pass in silence and then finally comes Jared’s low voice, soothing all his pain and fears.

_When you're weary, feeling small,_  
_When tears are in your eyes_  
_I will dry them all_  
_I'm on your side_  
_Oh when times get rough_  
_And friends just can't be found_  
  
_Like a bridge over troubled water_  
_I will lay me down_

Jensen smiles into Jared’s chest. Leave it to his husband to choose a song with such a powerful meaning.

_When you're down and out_  
_When you're on the street_  
_When evening falls so hard_  
_I will comfort you_  
_I'll take your part_  
_Oh when darkness comes_  
_And pain is all around_  
  
_Like a bridge over troubled water_  
_I will lay me down_

Jensen’s tears fall on Jared’s chest as he sings on. He feels a pang of guilt for hiding things from Jared in the beginning, but he doesn’t say anything, not right now. Jared is by his side, getting him through it, and Jensen suddenly feels more confident. He turns his palm up and Jared entwines their fingers. Jensen squeezes tight for a moment as Jared goes on with his angelic voice telling Jensen all he needs to hear through a song.

_Sail on, silver boy_  
_Sail on by_  
_Your time has come to shine_  
_All your dreams are on their way_  
_See how they shine_  
_Oh if you need a friend_  
_I'm sailing right behind_

Jensen tilts his head to plant a kiss on Jared’s chest. He feels himself succumbing to unconsciousness as he is dragged under. He’s half asleep already when Jared sings the last words.

_Like a bridge over troubled water_  
_I will ease your mind._

_*_

After the next session, a few days later, Jensen feels strangely on edge. It’s like his mind is fuzzy, and he feels annoyed with everything. He arrives back home with Jared feeling tired and nauseated as usual, and when his mom calls asking how everything went, he just hands his phone to Jared. He’s too exhausted to talk to people. So Jensen drags himself to the couch, thankfully not feeling like throwing up for the moment. He closes his eyes and rests his head on the back of the couch.

Eventually Jensen hears Jared hanging up the phone and coming towards him. Jensen turns his head to face his husband.

“Donna wanted to know what happened today, she asked if she could come over but I told her you should rest for now, she can come tomorrow. I guess your dad wants to come as well.”

Jensen just nods, at least he doesn’t have to deal with his parents for now. Jared then wheels to the French doors and lets Harley into the house. He trots close to Jensen and starts sniffing him, he must give off an odd odor after the sessions. Jensen normally wouldn’t mind being scented by the dog, but today he’s actually annoyed by it for some reason.

He watches as Jared moves around, cleaning up some stuff and preparing some food, and Jensen wants to help him out but he just feels too exhausted. And that makes him even crankier. After a while, Jared approaches him again.

“Baby, do you want to eat something? I made us soup, perhaps you feel like trying some?”

Jensen shakes his head. “No, thank you. I don’t feel like having anything right now, my stomach hurts.”

Jared’s face fills with sympathy and Jensen’s temper rises. “Are you sure you don’t even want to try it, Jen? You haven’t eaten anything all day long.” At Jensen’s face, Jared makes another offer. “Okay then, maybe you want to go lie down, get some sleep? I bet you’ll be feeling better tomorrow.”

That’s enough to make Jensen snap. “No Jared, I won’t be feeling better tomorrow! I’m fucking _sick_ , I will be feeling as awful tomorrow as I’m feeling today!”

Jared is caught off guard at Jensen’s words, a frown forms on his face as he slowly wheels backwards. “Jen… I didn’t…”

Jensen is not done, and he makes an effort to stand up, walking away to put some distance between himself and Jared. “It’s easy for you to stay positive, Jared. It’s not you who has to go through this, it’s not you who has a ticking bomb inside your chest! Who has poison injected inside your body every few days which makes you feel even more sick! It’s like you’re not even affected by it, you’re so positive all the damn time, it’s almost like your husband doesn’t have a death sentence inside of him!”

Heavy silence hangs between them for a few moments, and when Jensen focuses on the look on Jared’s face, he deflates. He can see Jared is deeply hurt by his words, and he replays them inside his mind.

He fucked up big time. Why does he have to be like this? He walks back to the couch and sits down, facing Jared who hasn’t moved an inch, hands firmly gripping his wheels.

“Jay…” Jensen starts, but Jared doesn’t let him continue.

“Is that how you feel, Jensen? Is this what you honestly think? You think this isn’t affecting me as much just because I’m keeping a positive attitude? Really Jensen?”

Jensen looks down, unable to face his husband, and keeps quiet. Jared goes on.

“If you don’t think that receiving the news that you have cancer is the single worst thing that has ever happened to me, then you really don’t know me at all.”

Jensen looks up at that, tilting his head to the side, and his face must show his confusion. “Jared, you once received news that you would never be able to walk again. How can this be worse than that?”

Jared studies Jensen for a few moments and lets out a deep breath, slowly wheeling closer to him.

“Jensen, listen to me,” Jared starts, reaching out to place a hand on his knee. “Yes, at the time receiving that news was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Like my whole world had collapsed. But in case you haven’t noticed yet, I _can_ live like this. I’ve been wheelchair bound for fourteen years and I’ve been doing great. I love my life just as it is and I’m totally okay with it. I made peace with it and grew and moved on. But learning that you have a serious illness that could take you from me?” Jared pauses, his eyes suddenly filling with tears. “This is something I could _not_ live with. I cannot be without you, there’s no way. I can deal with my paraplegia just fine. But losing you?” Jared just shakes his head, unable to form words to express that, and Jensen doesn’t need him to finish.

They keep quiet, just staring at each other, and Jared goes on. “I am trying to stay positive because I just have to, Jensen. I need to be strong for you. God, how many times have you been my rock? How many times have you helped me through shit even though you were barely holding it together yourself? Now it’s my turn to do it, and I have to keep it together, otherwise…”

Jared looks away and Jensen’s heart breaks. How could he have been such a jerk? He takes Jared’s hand from his knee and squeezes it, his eyes filling with tears. “I’m so sorry Jay, I didn’t mean it, I just… just…”

Jensen feels something bubbling up inside him, something out of his control, and it’s like he’s gonna explode. Jared feels it too, and squeezes his hand back. “Just what, Jen?”

And that’s it.

“I’m just tired of it, Jared! Haven’t we had enough already? Why do we have to go through so much crap, why do our lives have to be so fucking hard? Why did we have to be part of that horrible attack? Why do you have to spend your whole life in a wheelchair just because of one single moment? Why does my brain have to be all messed up because of that, why do I have to face a stupid cancer even after all these years, when we thought it was all over already? What did we do to deserve all of this? How come this is fair? Is this my punishment for surviving that day? For taking the place of another person who should have escaped instead of me? Well life is damn cruel if this is the case because guess what? I don’t want to die anymore! I don’t want to leave you Jared, why can’t our lives be _normal_ , why do we have all this shit thrown at us, why were we chosen for this clusterfuck of a life, this isn’t _fair_ , and I hate that I have to put you through this when you have so much to deal with already and…”

Before Jensen knows it, he’s being wrapped in Jared’s strong arms, he hadn’t even realized he had transferred from his chair to the couch, but it doesn’t matter. Jared pulls him to his chest and Jensen goes, wrapping his own arms around his husband and holding as tight as he can. He breaks down on Jared, letting all his anger and frustration out, and Jared helps him through it. Even in the middle of all the turmoil going on inside of Jensen, he can’t help but think back on a similar situation, years ago, only the places were reversed. Life is really odd.

Jensen holds tight until his sobs subdue, while Jared’s hands on his hair and back help calm him down. He pulls back only a little so he’s able to look at Jared’s face. The word forms on his lips, but before he can say it, Jared places a finger on his lips.

“If you say you’re sorry, I will punch you.”

Jensen snorts and opens his mouth to apologize for almost saying sorry, but thankfully he stops himself in time. “Fine.”

Jared cradles Jensen’s face in his hands, bringing it closer to him. “Jen, you’re not in a good place of mind right now because of all the drugs. Why don’t we just go to bed and take a nap? We can talk later, right now you clearly need to rest. Come with me?”

Jensen takes a few deep breaths to compose himself, and then finally nods. He does feel too drained to talk right now and he would welcome some sleep. “Let’s go.”

Jensen manages to pull himself up as Jared gets back in his chair. He places his hands on Jared’s shoulders for support as they head to the bedroom. Jensen collapses on the bed as soon as he’s beside it, and after closing the drapes and taking both their shoes off Jared joins him. Jensen pulls his husband close and cuddles him, wrapping an arm around his body and pulling him closer. It doesn’t take long for sleep to come.

*

Jensen comes to again with Jared caressing his hair. He slowly opens his eyes to find his husband’s face inches away from his, and he can’t help but smile.

“Feeling better?” Jared whispers, and Jensen nods.

“A bit, yeah.”

Jared looks at him for a few moments, still caressing his hair. “Jen… I know our lives aren’t easy. Maybe we drew the short straw before coming down here. I don’t know why we had to be part of that attack. I don’t know why I have to carry this disability the rest of my life, I don’t know why you need to go through cancer, why we can’t just have a “normal” life. I don’t know the answer to any of that. I wish I did. But this _is_ our life, and maybe these are the things we must get through for some reason. I know it sucks, I’ve had my share of being angry. And I’m gonna tell you, I am deeply terrified. But I also have faith we will get through this too. Just as we got through everything else. Just as we got out of those buildings alive, just as I managed to make my life in a wheelchair a great one. Just as you were able to find yourself again and overcome your fears. We are still here, after all of this, and I have faith you will be okay. I need to keep that faith. I told you I can’t lose you, I refuse to. This is just another obstacle in our road, and our road is far from over baby. I know it sucks and I don’t know why it has to be as it is. But we are here and we are fighting. That’s what matters.”

Jensen stays silent, taking in everything Jared said, and his husband goes on. “And please, baby. I don’t ever want you to think that you deserve what is happening to you. That is not true, you hear me? You were supposed to get out of that building alive, and that’s it. You were meant to be here today just as I was. You didn’t take anyone’s place, everything happened as it should. I have to believe everything happens for a reason. That beam could have fallen anywhere else, but it landed exactly on me. I guess it had my name on it, who knows the reason for it? And one last thing. Don’t beat yourself up over putting me through this when I have enough going on as you’ve said. I’ve told you countless times, you are my main priority. You need me, I’m here for you. I don’t see it as a burden, only as taking care of my husband when he needs me the most. Exactly like you did for me in the past. We carry each other baby, it’s you and me.”

Hearing Jared’s words helps Jensen’s chest feel a bit lighter. There’s room to breathe more freely. He feels tears rolling down the side of his face and he can’t help them.

“You’re right. I guess I was being a fool.”

Jared leans over and plants a kiss on Jensen’s forehead. “Not a fool. You just have a lot on your plate right now. And I’m here to be right next to you through it all, especially when the side effects of your treatment throw you for a loop.”

Jensen smiles and runs a hand over Jared’s face. “What did I do to deserve you?”

Jared turns his face and kisses Jensen’s palm. “I ask myself the same thing everyday. Perhaps everything we’ve been through and have yet to go through makes it worth it after all. If I get to have you in my life at the end of the day, I’ll take anything. I wouldn’t trade you, what we have, for any normal apple pie life. Not even if that life included having legs that worked. Remember Jen? _We_ are the miracle.”

Jensen’s smile grows wider, because Jared is right, and he feels exactly the same. Despite everything, with Jared by his side and reminding him of the good, he feels damn lucky.

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again guys, and Happy New Year!!! I'm glad to be here with this fic in another year, never would imagine this verse would carry on! Now I need to try and start working on a fic for the next big bang alongside this one, let's see what happens! 
> 
> I've had some hard past couple of weeksbc of some personal problems and what really helped my sanity was writing this. I don't think I've ever written this much, I'm finished with chapter 14 already!
> 
> About this one, of course there had to be angst bc you guys know me! I can't help myself! But I think Jared is doing a fantastic job by being Jensen's rock, what do you guys think?? Please please share your thoughts with me as always, you know I'm a sucker for comments!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter - Wait for it!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULksSIMT92Y)   
> 

__

_**Jared** _

Jared wakes up slowly, too lazy to open his eyes just yet as he reaches out for Jensen and finds the bed empty. He forces his eyes open and as his gaze travels over the bedroom, he notices the door to the en suite bathroom closed. He can hear the shower running now, so he waits, staying alert as his senses come online. Jensen had another chemo session yesterday and his husband is getting progressively weaker as time passes. Jensen should have woken him up before going to take a shower, but Jared trusts that Jensen was feeling well enough to go by himself - he would call Jared if he needed him. Jared knows Jensen is suffering the expected side effects of the treatment, still, he worries. He feels helpless watching Jensen deal with the fallout on top of fighting the cancer, knowing he can’t do anything but offer comfort and care. A few days ago they had a good demonstration of just how much the drugs were affecting Jensen’s temperament when he got angry and lashed out at Jared. Even though Jared knew deep down that it was the drugs affecting Jensen’s humor, it didn’t mean his words didn’t hurt.

Jared had been trying to keep it together for Jensen, he’d been trying to keep a strong façade and positive outlook. Unfortunately Jensen interpreted that as Jared not suffering alongside him, and not understanding Jensen’s own pain. He couldn’t believe Jensen would ever think that, even if he wasn’t in his right mind. Jared wasn’t lying for Jensen’s sake when he said that Jensen having cancer is the single worst thing that has ever happened in his life. He would go through the whole trauma of being paralyzed ten more times if it meant he would never lose Jensen. Jared can’t even begin to express what it would mean to him to lose his husband. He thinks back on those months when he believed Jensen was dead, how much it had hurt then. And at that time Jensen was a stranger! They had forged an instant connection upon meeting but still had known each other for only a handful of hours.

But now they have a whole _life_ together. Thirteen years of an amazing story built from that serendipitous meeting, thirteen years of an immeasurable love that grew between them. Jared knows every little thing about Jensen and vice versa, there are thirteen years of endless moments shared between them. Jensen is Jared’s person, what he loves above anything else. How can Jared survive without Jensen after all of this? A sharp pain slices through his heart, carving agony inside his chest every time Jared even considers the possibility. Every time he imagines this house without Jensen, sleeping in their bed alone, his life without that smile - he can barely contain his own heartbreak and fear. Jared holds on to the hope that Jensen will be cured, that this will pass and they will be okay again. He has to believe that they are going to beat this and adopt their child. Jared will fight tooth and nail to carry on with their happily ever after.

Jared lays lost in his thoughts, until he realizes the shower has turned off. He waits for a few moments for the door to swing open, but several minutes pass and nothing happens. As he debates whether or not he should go see if Jensen is okay he hears a voice coming from the bathroom.

“Jay…”

Jensen’s voice is just loud enough for Jared to hear, and the tone of it puts him on alert instantly. He throws the covers aside and quickly transfers to his chair, wheeling to the bathroom as fast as he can. He opens the door - they never lock it - and as he enters the bathroom he finds Jensen in his underwear and he’s hunched over, one hand grabbing the edge of the sink and the other closed in a fist, staring into the mirror intently, eyes red and shining. Jared’s heart is beating a mile a minute as he reaches out and touches Jensen’s lower back.

“Baby, what’s happening? Talk to me!” Jared can’t keep the urgency from his voice, anxious to learn exactly what is wrong.

Jensen turns his body sideways a little, looking at Jared over his shoulder and holding up his hand, opening his fist. There is a clump of hair in it. Jensen’s hair.

“Jay…I’m losing my hair.” Jensen’s voice is full of anguish, and Jared looks from the hair up to Jensen’s face in time to see a tear rolling down his cheek. “There were some hairs on my pillow, and more fell while I was in the shower, and now when I tried to brush it big chunks of hair remained in the brush. I’m…” Jensen starts, turning his body all the way around to face Jared and he swallows hard, looking down at the hair he’s still holding onto. “I’m losing my hair, Jay.”

It feels like a knife piercing through Jared’s chest, right into his heart. He knew this could happen of course, but it doesn’t mean he was prepared for it. That either of them were. He feels tears pricking behind his own eyes, but blinks them away before they can spill over. Jensen is breaking down and needs his husband. This, _this_ he can do. So he gently holds Jensen’s wrist, and with his other hand he fully opens Jensen’s fist so the hair will fall to the floor. Jensen stares at it as Jared tugs on Jensen’s arm.

“Come here, Jen.”

Jensen goes willingly and sits down sideways on Jared’s lap. Jared cradles his face in his hands and brings it close to his own.

“Baby, I know it sucks but we knew this would come. What’s important is that you’ll be okay at the end of this awful journey. It’s just hair. It will grow back.”

Jensen’s bottom lip trembles and he wraps his arms around Jared, burying his face into his shoulder. Jared holds Jensen while he lets it all out, summoning his own strength not to break down with him. When Jensen is done, Jared reaches for a towel to dry the tears on his face.

“What do you want to do, Jen?” Jared doesn’t elaborate, Jensen knows what he means.

Jensen considers the question for a few seconds, and then reaches out to open a drawer under the sink, pulling out the electric shaver. Jared holds his breath as Jensen stares at it for several moments, giving Jensen the time he needs to decide. Jared can’t even imagine how hard the decision is and his heart breaks a bit more for his husband, wishing there was something more he could do.

Finally, Jensen looks up at Jared, his eyes shiny with tears, as he swallows hard. “Could you…would you…” Jensen struggles with the words, and even though Jared’s damn near ready to break he takes the shaver from Jensen’s hand and nods, overwhelmed by the trust Jensen just placed in him. He forces his voice to not completely break as he answers.

“Of course I will, love.”

Jensen gets up and pulls out a stool they keep in the bathroom for Jared, placing it in front of the sink as Jared maneuvers his chair behind him. He sits down and Jared places a larger towel around his shoulders, gently running a hand over Jensen’s hair and lightly squeezing his neck.

“Are you ready?”

Jensen looks at himself in the mirror for a couple of minutes and then looks at Jared’s reflection, nodding once. Jared swallows hard and forces his hand not to tremble too much as he raises it and positions the shaver on Jensen’s hairline. Keeping a firm grip on Jensen’s shoulder with his other hand, Jared starts shaving the soft, golden brown locks, summoning all his inner strength to do a good job and keep his hand steady. Jensen’s tears fall freely as Jared works as tenderly as he can, his own eyes burning with unshed tears.

Large chunks of hair cascade to the floor and on Jared’s lap as he keeps working. After he shaves the last strands he lowers the shaver and keeps one hand on the back of Jensen’s bare head. Jared turns off the shaver, the silence loud as it hangs between them while Jensen stares at himself in the mirror. Jared can tell Jensen is having a hard time looking at himself. He sets the shaver aside on the counter and repositions his chair so he’s sideways, making it easier to reach Jensen.

He wraps his arms around his husband, resting his chin on his shoulder.

“Once upon a time, there was a boy,” Jared starts and Jensen frowns slightly. “A boy who was broken on the inside and the outside. A boy who couldn’t bring himself to look into a mirror. He couldn’t stand looking at his own image.” Understanding dawns on Jensen’s face, and Jared can tell Jensen knows exactly what he’s talking about. “Then this amazing guy came along and showed the boy that he didn’t need to be afraid to look at himself. That he was still beautiful exactly the way he was. That he loved him exactly like that.”

Jensen manages a small smile through his tears, a fond look on his face as he remembers that day, which was so special for both of them. He scoots sideways on the stool so he can face Jared, who places both hands on Jensen’s face.

“Baby, it’s just hair. It will grow again soon. What matters is that you’re still so fucking beautiful, Jen. Hair or no hair, I don’t care. In any shape you’re in, you are the most beautiful person in the world to me.”

Jared lowers Jensen’s face and places a lingering kiss on the top of his bare head. Jensen holds onto his waist and Jared can feel him trembling, so he keeps his lips in place longer, nuzzling his head. When they finally break apart, Jared wipes the tears from Jensen’s face and smiles at his husband.

“You’re my favorite baldie.”

Jensen chuckles and buries his face in Jared’s neck again. When they break apart, Jared reaches out for the shaver once more, looking completely resolved. Jensen looks at him with a frown as Jared lifts the shaver, taking a deep breath. When Jensen realizes what Jared is about to do he grabs his arm, stopping him.

“No Jay, please don’t.”

Jared frowns, tilting his head to the side. He wants to do the same thing, he wants to show his full support to Jensen. “But Jen, I…”

Jensen shakes his head, and gently pries the shaver from Jared’s hand, placing it back on the sink. “I really appreciate it, baby. You have no fucking idea how much. The fact that you are willing to lose your own hair for me means the world. But please don’t do that. I love your hair so much, I don’t want it gone too. I know you’re by my side 100%, and that’s more than enough. Thank you though, for offering.”

Jared runs his thumb over Jensen’s cheek, and gives him a smile. “Okay, I’ll do as you wish. Now what do you say we clean up here and go get some breakfast if you’re up to it?”

Jensen looks down and notices his hair is everywhere, including on Jared’s bare thighs, the seat and footplate of his chair. He’s still sad but the sight is a little funny and he chuckles.

“Fair enough.”

*

Jared cleans up the kitchen after they have breakfast so Jensen can take a nap. Jensen didn’t eat much, claiming he was just feeling too nauseated, and of course Jared didn’t push. He knows Jensen is feeling even more down because of the hair loss, and the emotional morning just compounded the physical exhaustion. Jared’s heart aches to see Jensen like this, and he has no idea how he managed to get through shaving Jensen’s head without having a breakdown of his own. Jared had thought he was resilient before, having gone through everything that happened to him and coming out on top. Now he knows that was only part of the fortitude he has inside of him. His true test is being the strong one for Jensen. Jared hopes he can continually meet that challenge.

When Jared is done, he checks his social media accounts. There are a shit ton of comments on his Instagram post about Jensen’s illness, as well as personal text messages and professional emails. He has barely checked in lately, only focused on his husband, and now he can see the amount of love they are receiving from everyone. It really amazes him to see the overwhelming response, and he’s so grateful. Jared wishes he could answer everyone individually, but that’s just not possible. Jared still doesn’t want to go out in public to talk about any of this. He wants to keep his energy and mindset focused on Jensen. But seeing all the love fills Jared’s heart, and it’s a sorely needed boost for him to continue. When there’s time, he’s gonna show some of the responses to his husband, so Jensen can see everyone rooting for him. For now, he opens his Twitter and types out a short message: _Thank you for y’alls support. It really means the world to Jen and me and we are gonna keep fighting. I love all of you._ Jared adds a heart emoji and posts.

He then decides to take Harley for a quick walk since they have been neglecting their dog lately and Jared feels bad. He doesn’t like to go without Jensen, especially now, so he makes the walk way shorter than it should be, just going around a couple of blocks with Harley and keeping his phone on his lap in case Jensen calls. The dog whines when Jared guides him back to their house, but Jared pats his head and leans down to talk to him.

“Sorry buddy, I know you want to go longer but your daddy needs me and I can’t be too far from him. I know you understand and want him to get better too, right? We will make it up to you I promise.”

Harley barks and licks Jared’s hand, and he hopes the dog understands. So they get inside and Harley goes to the backyard to continue running around off the leash. Jared washes his hands before going to check up on Jensen. He heads to their bedroom and opens the door, spotting a lump on the bed covered with blankets. Jared can’t see much from that angle so he wheels up to his side of the bed. When Jensen’s face finally comes into view, Jared’s eyes instantly fill with tears.

Jensen is asleep, curled up and covers tucked up to his chin, but what makes Jared emotional is that Jensen is wearing one of Jared’s beanies. Jared watches him for a few moments, feeling strangely emotional given his own history with beanies as a source of comfort and security. It may just be an ordinary beanie that Jensen needed for warmth, but Jared’s heart overflows with love that Jensen chose to wear it, and he feels even more connected to Jensen.

He positions his chair to transfer to the bed as gently as possible so as not to disturb Jensen’s slumber. He scoots closer and lies on his side facing his husband. Jared watches him for a while, completely lost in the traces of Jensen’s beautiful face. He’s paler than usual, so his freckles are more prominent. Jared spends some time counting them like has done so many times in the past, not quite letting his finger graze over Jensen’s near-porcelain skin.

Suddenly Jensen’s expression changes and he frowns in his sleep, like he’s having a bad dream. Jared waits a few heartbeats but the frown only deepens. So he reaches out and very gently touches Jensen’s forehead with his thumb, making soothing motions while humming a random song. He keeps going until Jensen’s face relaxes and a barely there smile forms on his face.

“Sing to me?” Jensen whispers very faintly, keeping his eyes closed as he lifts the blanket in silent invitation. Jared smiles and inches closer as he snuggles under it, his face a breath away from Jensen’s as he starts to sing in a low voice the song he had been humming.

 _I could stay awake just to hear you breathing_  
_Watch you smile while you are sleeping_  
_While you're far away and dreaming_  
_I could spend my life in this sweet surrender_  
_I could stay lost in this moment forever_  
_Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure_

Jensen opens his eyes as Jared sings, and he can see the heartfelt emotion reflected in green orbs. Jared carries on, locking his gaze with Jensen’s.

 _Don't wanna close my eyes_  
_I don't wanna fall asleep_  
_'Cause I'd miss you, baby_  
_And I don't wanna miss a thing_  
  
_'Cause even when I dream of you_  
_The sweetest dream would never do_  
_I'd still miss you, baby_  
_And I don't wanna miss a thing_

A tear rolls down the side of Jensen’s face and Jared searches for his hand, entwining their fingers and bringing their joined hands up to his face, kissing Jensen’s knuckles.

 _Lying close to you feeling your heart beating_  
_And I'm wondering what you're dreaming,_  
_Wondering if it's me you're seeing_  
_Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together_  
_And I just wanna stay with you_  
_In this moment forever, forever and ever_

Jared uses his other hand to caress Jensen’s face, and he leans over to plant a sweet kiss between his eyebrows. He lets go of Jensen’s hand and wraps his arm around his torso, pulling him even closer to his body, whispering the last verse into his skin like a caress.

 _I don't wanna miss one smile_  
_I don't wanna miss one kiss_  
_Well, I just wanna be with you_  
_Right here with you, just like this_  
  
_I just wanna hold you close_  
_I feel your heart so close to mine_  
_And just stay here in this moment_  
_For all the rest of time._

Jared finishes the song and they stay that way for a bit, bodies pressed together as they cuddle. This is Jared’s favorite place in the world, where he feels happy and safe. Eventually Jensen breaks the silence, speaking in that low, husky tone that Jared loves.

“Sorry I stole your beanie. My head was too cold and it kinda helps, you know…gives me extra comfort.”

Jared smiles fondly, he knows very well the comfort a beanie can provide. He caresses Jensen’s head through the material. “Of course it’s okay, baby. You know I get it all too well and you look great in them. Do you want me to get some new ones for you?”

Jensen shakes his head slightly. “No. Can I just use yours? They smell like you.”

Jared is touched at that, knowing he’s able to provide a bit of extra comfort to Jensen even when he’s not physically there. He keeps a hand on Jensen’s face as he answers.

“Sure thing, love. I’ll wear the others even more often so you can always have a ‘fresh’ one to use.”

Jensen grins at him in adoration. “That sounds awesome.”

*

A few days later, Jared waits with Jensen while he receives his chemo. Jensen is visibly weaker from the past sessions, he tires way easier and it’s getting harder for him to have the energy to even get around. He spends most of his time in bed or on the couch, he just doesn’t feel up to doing much. It frustrates Jared to see his husband like this, not being able to do anything about it and he feels a growing sense of helplessness. Jared has also noticed himself wearing out much easier as well, he hasn’t been taking care of himself properly because his sole focus has been Jensen. However he can’t bring himself to think about that now, and he certainly won’t mention it to Jensen because Jared knows he will flip. Jared tells himself he’ll take care of his own needs soon, he just needs to be there for Jensen right now.

Added to the melancholy Jensen is going through is the matter of the hair loss, and Jared knows it affected Jensen deeply. His husband has always cared about his looks - he was not vain, but liked to keep himself polished and presentable. Losing all his hair had a great impact on him and the image of himself, even after the talks they’d had about it. He’s constantly wearing one of Jared’s beanies, and while that lifts Jared’s heart it also saddens him because he understands what it’s like to want to hide from the world. After shaving Jensen’s head, Jared had messaged Jensen’s parents and their close friends about it, so they wouldn’t be shocked the next time they saw him. Donna had called Jared privately in tears, devastated, but when she and Alan came over the next day, they were able to hold it together and show Jensen their support. Jared couldn’t thank them enough.

When the session is over, Jensen is completely drained. He attempts to get up from the chair and fails. Jared places a hand on his shoulder to stop him from trying again and possibly hurting himself.

“Baby, do you want me to get help?”

Jensen tries to get up once again with no success, so he collapses back on the chair and sullenly nods. It irritates Jared that he can’t support carrying Jensen to the car himself, but right now he needs to suck it up. So he wheels over to Alaina, his brave game face on.

“Hey Alaina, do you think you could get someone to help Jensen to the car? He’s feeling too weak to get up and well…I can’t do it myself unfortunately.”

Alaina gives him a sympathetic smile. “Sure thing, sugar. Let me go get Gil.”

Gil is one of the male nurses who also works in the infusion room. He’s kind and responsive, just like Alaina, who returns with Gil following her in minutes.

“Let’s get your boy to the car!” Gil says, and follows Jared to where Jensen is sitting. Gil helps Jensen up and Jared can see he’s having trouble keeping himself upright, his face showing his fatigue from such a small effort. Today’s session has wiped him out completely. Jensen puts an arm around Gil’s shoulder and he supports Jensen’s weight as they slowly walk to the car, Jared following close behind and watching carefully every step Jensen takes.

Gil helps Jensen into the car and only after making sure he’s safely inside and buckled up does Jared move to the driver’s seat. By the time he’s inside and his chair is stowed in the back seat, Jensen is already asleep, resting his head on the window. Jared reaches out and caresses his head before driving them away. Jensen doesn’t stir during the whole drive home, and when Jared parks on the driveway, he gets settled in his chair and wheels around the car, opening the passenger door carefully since Jensen is leaning against it. He keeps a firm hand on Jensen and guides him so he’s lying back against the carseat, and then gently shakes him awake.

“Jen, we’re home.” Jared whispers and slowly Jensen opens his eyes. He blinks a few times and rubs a hand over his face, looking around a bit in disorientation. He shifts on the seat and lets out a breath.

“Jay…I don’t think I can manage to get up and walk inside.”

Jared can see how hard it is for Jensen to admit that, so he reaches out and runs a thumb over his cheek. “It’s okay, baby. I’ll carry you inside.”

Jensen frowns. “Jay…”

Jared cuts him off. “Jen, it’s okay. I didn’t do it at the hospital because it was too long of a way to the car and I didn’t want to risk hurting you. But I can carry you inside the house on my lap.”

Jensen shakes his head as vehemently as his body will let him. “No Jared, I won’t let you do it, you may end up hurting yourself! I don’t want to burden you with this. You should call Chris or my dad, see if one of them can drop by and help me in.”

Jared raises an eyebrow at Jensen, giving him one of his patented bitch faces. “Jensen, would you shut the fuck up please and stop with this burden crap? How many times have you told me that you would carry me, that it wasn’t a big deal? Now, I’m gonna carry you, baby. Lemme do this. I _can_ do it, I promise. Trust me, please. I’ve got you.”

Jensen leans his head back on the head rest and gives Jared a tired smile. “Of course I trust you, Jay.”

Jared smiles back. “Then scoot your ass over here already.”

Jared positions his chair as close to the car as he can, locks the brakes and then puts an arm around Jensen’s waist, while keeping the other hand on his wheel for balance, and helps his husband to sit on his lap.

“Put your feet on top of mine.” Jared sees Jensen’s legs moving so he assumes Jensen is doing as told. He leans his head back against Jared’s shoulder and crosses his arms in front of him. Jared slowly wheels backwards and reaches out to close the door. Very slowly he starts wheeling towards the front door, being extremely careful not to drop Jensen. He stops in front of the door and turns his head a fraction towards Jensen’s face.

“You okay there, baby?”

That’s when he notices there are a few tears rolling down Jensen’s face.

“Jen?”

Jensen sniffs. “I’m so sorry Jay, I know the chair must be heavy with my weight on it, I’m so sorry you have to do all of this for me, sorry I got sick like this and for letting you down, I’m…”

Jared lets go of his wheels and wraps both arms around Jensen, holding him tight and touching their foreheads. “Jen, stop. I’ve got you, it’s okay. We’re gonna be okay. We are a team, remember?”

Jensen nods once, and carefully Jared unwraps his arms from around him to unlock the door and wheel both of them inside. Harley comes towards them in greeting but senses something’s wrong, and backs off with a low whine.

“Hey buddy, gonna get your daddy to bed, can you open the bedroom door for me please?”

Apparently Harley understands exactly what Jared said - or at least where they’re heading because he does what he’s told by nudging open the bedroom door. Jared brings Jensen to their bedroom and parks his chair next to the bed. He helps Jensen roll into it, pulling up the covers around him.

“You good? Need something?”

“Water. Mouth is a bit sore.”

Jared goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water and also a bucket to leave by the bed in case Jensen needs to throw up. Then Jared has an idea and goes to the garage, where he keeps his old wheelchair just in case something happens with his current one. He places it in front of him and pushes it by nudging it with his immobile legs back to the bedroom. He rolls it to Jensen’s side, who opens his eyes when he hears the noise.

“You brought me a ride?” He asks with a hint of humor in his voice.

Jared shrugs. “Well, I thought maybe you’d like to use this to get around easier. I can give you some lessons if you want.”

Jensen smiles wider. “Only if we can have a race.”

Jared chuckles. “Oh, you’re so on! But I’m still the only Hot Wheels around here. You can be Fast and Furious though.”

At that, Jensen laughs softly. “That’s a great team we have here. Now will you come lie down with me for a bit?”

Jared nods and does so, positioning himself close against Jensen and under the covers.

Jensen links their fingers and lets out a deep breath, as if the small effort just made him exhausted, but gives Jared a smug smile. “Hey, how do you feel about trading a healthy lung for an intact spinal cord?”

Jared chuckles and kisses Jensen’s hand. “I would give you my lung without anything in return, you know that. Just as you would give me your legs if you could.”

Jensen gives him a meaningful look and nods. Both of them know they would do anything for each other.

As Jensen drifts off, Jared allows his own tears to fall. He only hopes that what he _can_ do is enough.

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for reading this chapter! I have some cool things to share. First, I'm excited because I wrote a very nice comeback in an upcoming chapter, a character is returning and I am so happy about the outcome of that! Do you guys wanna try to guess who is coming back and how? Bets are open! Also, I signed up for the big bang for the 4th time, I'm working on a fic that I started about one and a half year ago, and that was supposed to have been my 2017 big bang if th september verse hadn't taken over my life. I've had that first scene written and I got stuck, but now, after writing this immense verse I feel confident enough to keep writing it, and I'm making progresses so I'm very happy. I'm gonna work on both fics at the same time, I hope I can keep my sanity intact! I think the hardest part is switching from this Jared, who is mature, who has to deal with so much in his life and of course a disability that is not easy to write, into a COMPLETELY different version of Jared (not gonna spoil but imagine the opposite of this Jared lol) so yeah, that's not easy but I'm positive I'm gonna pull it off.
> 
> About the chapter, this is one of my favorite so far, it has some emotional scenes, I love the one with the shaving and Jared carrying Jensen inside. It was one of the first scenes Karri and I talked about when we were discussing this story. I ouldn't wait to write it, how the roles are reversed and Jared finally got to carry Jensen like Jensen did so many times in the past. Plus, I am in love with the song Jared chose, when I pictured this scene I knew it had to be this song! What did you guys think about all of it? Please lemme know all the feelings, you know I live for the comments!
> 
> PS: KELLY MAKES THE BEST ARTS FOR THE CHAPTERS OMG!!!


	11. Chapter 11

_**Jensen** _

Jared is exhausted. Jensen knows he is, he can see it in every line of Jared’s haggard but still beautiful face. And Jensen knows that _he_ is the reason - well, the cancer and all that goes with that truly is. Still, he feels at fault. Jared has dedicated himself to Jensen 24/7 for weeks, non-stop since the treatment started. He’s there for every chemo session and follow-up doctor appointment, he stays glued to Jensen through the immediate following hours when he’s feeling more like crap than ever, he helps Jensen with any single want or need, every day, without fail.

That also means Jared hasn’t been taking care of himself and that’s becoming obvious, even if his husband tries to hide it. Jensen knows him better than anyone else, he can read Jared so easily. And right now, Jared is exhausted, he’s in pain and on edge. Of course he’s never in a million years going to admit that to Jensen, or let a crack appear in his strong facade. Even though Jared is so fiercely independent, so much so that most times it doesn’t even seem like he has a disability, he does have one. Like it or not, Jared has some special needs that he needs to address to keep himself healthy and right now, Jensen knows he hasn’t been doing them at all. Yes, Jensen can freely admit that he feels very sick all the time, like complete shit honestly, and he has reached a point where he is too weak to even walk around on his own, so he’s been using Jared’s old wheelchair. He knows he needs someone to take care of him, and Jared is the logical answer, given that they’re married. Plus Jared’s insistence. Jensen himself wouldn’t have it any other way, and he appreciates so fucking much everything Jared does for him, he has never doubted for one second that Jared would be able to do it. All of this would have been impossible without his husband by his side. But even in this dark time, Jensen can’t help but worry more about Jared than himself. He’s wondering if it’s time to call in for reinforcements.

Jared simply cannot ignore his paraplegia just because Jensen needs him, otherwise he will end up paying a huge price for it, and that will impact them both. Jensen knows Jared’s back is hurting more than ever because he has seen him taking more pills than usual, and Jensen is starting to get seriously worried. He hasn’t forgotten Jared’s overdose a few months after he became paralyzed because he was hurting so damn much and was looking for relief. Also, ever since Jared has been on Jensen-watch, he’d stopped swimming and working out, two things that help his body (and mind) immensely. Then there’s the added fact that Jared can develop a pressure sore if he doesn’t take care of his skin correctly. It’s only happened once; a few years ago a rash had appeared on Jared’s right buttcheek, and he had to be extremely careful for that not to become a sore. He’d had to keep the pressure off his butt whenever possible, which meant spending a lot of time lying down on his side or stomach, or even spending extra time walking around in his braces and crutches. They learned to address the situation quickly because sores can be nasty, taking months to heal and Jensen had read that in the worst cases, it could even lead to death. So yeah, that’s so not happening. Jensen is going to make damn sure of it.

If that wasn’t enough to worry Jensen, there’s the matter that Jared is mentally drained too, and cranky - not with Jensen though. But he has overheard Jared on the phone with Chad when Jared thought he was sleeping, and he snapped at Chad. From what Jensen gathered, Chad had been worried about Jared not taking care of himself - Jensen and Chad are apparently on the same page about this - and Jared yelled at him, claiming he was alright and for Chad to take care of his own damn life. Jared apologized five seconds later, and Jensen could hear the weariness pouring out of his voice.

Jensen knows he needs to do something fast, he _needs_ to have Jared take a break for a while. Of course he loves having his husband around all the time, but Jared needs space, even if he doesn’t realize it. They both do. Jared has to recharge his own battery if they both want him to continue to care for Jensen. Doctor Ruth had advised this process would be hard on them both, and that Jared had to take care of himself too. His husband probably forgot that part and Jensen will make sure he remembers. If only he could figure out how to do it without making Jared angry, or worse, insecure.

*

On the morning of Jensen’s next chemo session, he is still not feeling up to par, but it’s not much more than usual. That’s why when Jared brings a small breakfast for him in bed, he decides to suggest something to him.

“Baby, I was thinking…Why don’t you go hit the gym today? You haven’t worked out for a while and I’m sure you’re missing it.”

Jensen hasn’t even finished talking and Jared is already shaking his head as he chews a piece of pancake.

“No, Jen. I don’t want to leave you alone too long. It’s okay, I’m good, don’t worry about it.”

“But Jay…” Jensen starts but Jared doesn’t let him go on.

“That’s not up for discussion, Jensen. I’m not leaving you alone longer than absolutely necessary. And that’s it.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything else for now, but he isn’t giving up.

A couple of hours later when Jared is gone for a quick walk with Harley, and to get some ingredients to make a hearty soup for dinner, Donna and Chad come over. Jensen had messaged both of them earlier, telling them what he had in mind and both had agreed right away.

When the doorbell rings, Jensen slowly wheels to the door. He isn’t feeling strong enough to walk today and has been using the wheelchair. It’s not easy to get around in, of course, and his arms are nearly as weak as his legs, but it helps. He has tried Jared’s chair more than once in the past to see what it’s like and now that he has been in it himself for long periods of time he is developing a whole new level of respect for his husband, if that’s even possible. Jensen is lucky they already live in an accessible house, he can’t even imagine having to get through everyday obstacles like Jared does all the time in a lot of places. The thing that makes Jensen not to sink completely into a depression over the situation is knowing that it’s temporary, his body is only weak because of the drugs he’s been receiving. Given time, his body can recover and he can walk normally again. He can even walk small distances right now if he makes a more concerted effort. But Jared doesn’t have that option. His husband has been dependent on a wheelchair for the past fourteen years, and will be for the rest of his life. Jensen has been getting only a small taste of what that could be like and he’s already so frustrated by his own fatigue, he has no idea how Jared deals with it on a daily basis and yet has such a happy and active life. Jensen has always suspected, but now he knows - Jared is truly a superhero.

Donna and Chad arrive together and Jensen can see, especially in his mom’s eyes, that it’s not easy for her to see Jensen in this situation. Sitting in a wheelchair, no hair (he’s wearing Jared’s beanie but still), dark circles under his eyes and the wan look on his face that makes it obvious that he’s sick. She and Chad suck it up and smile at him, Donna bending down to give Jensen a hug and Chad squeezing his shoulder.

Leading them to the couch, he asks both of them to sit down and goes over his plan again, glad they are both on board.

“Chad, Jared really needs to take care of himself, and he also needs time for himself. He has been stuck with me for weeks, and all of this tension is really taking its toll on him. He doesn’t even realize it, but he truly needs a break.”

Chad nods and gives Jensen an understanding smile. “I’ve been worrying about Jaybird ever since this started. I’ve been bugging him to look after himself but he won’t listen to me, he says it’s not important right now, that you getting better is the only thing that matters. Don’t get me wrong Jensen, I truly hope you get better, but I worry about Jared too. Someone has to, and I’m glad you’re seeing this as well.”

Jensen truly appreciates the fact that Jared has someone like Chad, someone to worry about him when everyone else seems to be focused on Jensen. Jensen isn’t offended at all. Chad is Jared’s best friend, who can clearly see that Jared is also suffering. Being able to help Jared will help Jensen too, hence the plan they are putting into place.

Before anyone can say more, they hear the door opening and Jared rolls inside, holding Harley’s leash and some grocery bags on his lap. Harley runs through the doggie door to the backyard as Jared wheels to the living room after depositing the bags on the dining room table, a suspicious look on his face.

“What’s going on?”

Jared stops right next to Jensen, looking from him to Donna to Chad, then back to Jensen.

Jensen reaches out and touches Jared’s knee. “Baby, I called Chad here so you guys can go out for a while today. And my mom, so she can stay with me because I know you won’t go if I’m here alone.”

Jared narrows his eyes, and Jensen can see he is getting pissed at Jensen for going behind his back. “Seriously, Jensen? I told you earlier that I’m fine, you didn’t need to do that. Especially not without telling me. I can’t believe you did this.”

Jensen knows Jared is disappointed, angry, and that some talk will be needed. So he moves his hand from Jared’s knee to his shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “Jay, come with me, let’s talk.” Jared looks like he’s going to argue, but Jensen gives him a pointed look. “Please.”

Jared sighs and nods, following Jensen to their bedroom. Jensen shoots Donna and Chad an apologetic look. “We’ll be right back.”

Jensen rolls inside their bedroom and Jared follows him, closing the door behind them.

“What the fuck, Jensen?”

Jensen makes an effort to turn his chair around and face Jared, glad that they at least can easily be on the same eye level now that he’s sitting down as well. Jared is pissed and he opens his mouth to continue, but Jensen won’t back down on this one. His husband usually has him wrapped around his finger, but this is too important. So Jensen points a finger at him, musters some strength to lend conviction to what he has to say.

“No! Don’t even try to argue with me, Jared. I’m sorry, but _this_ is not up for discussion. You need time for yourself and you’re going out with Chad today. And that’s that.”

Jared huffs and looks up, licking his bottom lip, then looks at Jensen again. “Jensen, I told you it’s fine! I’m fine! I promised I would take care of you, and that’s what I’m doing. I don’t need to go out with anyone, I’m good here with you.”

Jensen shakes his head. “No, no you’re not. I know you Jared, better than anyone else. And right now, I know you’re not okay. You’re far from it. You haven’t been taking care of yourself, you’re risking your own health because of me. You know damn well you can’t forget about your own care, Jay. And you’ve been locked inside with me for weeks. You need a break. I know you’re gonna say you don’t need a break from me baby, but you do. This whole cancer and treatment thing is taking its toll on you as well as me. How long has it been since you last worked out? Or swam? I know it was long before my treatment started.”

Jared doesn’t say anything, a pout working its way onto his face, and Jensen lets his words hang in the air for a moment before continuing. “I’m just asking you to go out for a while with Chad. Go work out or grab something to eat, take a walk, get some fresh air. You just need a change of scenery, someone else to chat with, some time that’s care free for a while. You need time for _yourself_ Jay. And also, most importantly, you need to start taking care of yourself again. I know you’ve been in a lot of pain lately, I can see it in your face and how you move your body when you think I’m not looking. At this rate you’re gonna end up with a pressure sore or an infection Jay, and those are things you really don’t want to deal with. I want you to take care of yourself, baby. I’m gonna be fine here, I’m not going anywhere.”

Jared stays quiet for several moments, then swallows hard. When he speaks, his voice comes out as a whisper. “I promised I’d take care of you.”

“And you are, baby. You’re taking such good care of me. I wouldn’t want anyone else doing this job. But remember what Doctor Ruth said? You need to care of yourself too. And also to let people help us. Why don’t we let my mom or dad or Chris keep me company, let’s say, once a week so you can have some time for yourself? It’s important for you. For us.”

Jared doesn’t say anything for a good while, instead he leans forward and places his hands on the frame of his chair, looking down. A shock of his hair hides his face and Jensen can’t see Jared’s expression, but when he hears a snuffle he knows Jared is crying. He slowly wheels himself closer to Jared, positioning his own chair right alongside Jared’s so he can reach his husband better. He pushes the hair away from Jared’s face, who looks up with tears streaming down his cheeks and a dejected expression. Jensen places a hand on his face and brushes the tears away.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

Jared licks his lip and looks at Jensen with those sad puppy eyes that break Jensen’s heart. “I just…Doctor Ruth trusted me and I’m failing her, I promised her I could be your caregiver! I hate that I am like this, I hate that I can’t take care of you properly like you deserve because I’m a fucking gimp and I can never catch a break from my own damn…”

Jared turns his face away and murmurs the last part, but Jensen catches it anyway. _Useless body._

Jensen’s heart breaks when he hears Jared’s words. Yes, it had been hard for Jared at first to deal with the fact that he had become disabled and had a long road ahead of him to adapt and function in his new normal, but Jared had long ago accepted that and learned how to love and even appreciate his body the way it is now. He had learned that he isn’t incapable at all, he just does things differently, and is even much _more_ capable at a lot of things than most able-bodied people.

To hear the way in which Jared just referred to himself as a gimp, calling his body useless, it’s almost like they are back thirteen years in the past. Jensen is beyond shocked. He knew Jared had been wearing himself out but he didn’t know he was also feeling so low about himself and his abilities again. Jared has been doing such an excellent job in caring for his husband, Jensen had assumed he knew he was doing great. Apparently, he has been terribly wrong. Even though Jensen is very sick and weak, needing near constant attention, Jared is also in need of emotional support, and Jensen feels horrible for not realizing it sooner. Jensen has broken down more than once during the past several weeks and Jared has been there to catch him always, just as Jensen had caught Jared so many times before. Jensen assumed their roles were simply reversed now, and he completely missed how Jared was breaking apart on the inside while keeping a strong façade up just for him. It’s so Jared-like to do something like that and Jensen feels awful that he just didn’t see it coming sooner. Jared has been the strong one through all of this, but right now, at this very moment, it’s Jensen’s turn to be strong. For Jared, he can do this.

Jensen reaches out for Jared’s hand, which is still gripping the frame of his chair, and links their fingers together, tightly squeezing. He feels Jared’s palm against his, his hands are somewhat rough since he constantly uses them to wheel around and even though Jared is always moisturizing them, it’s never enough to keep them smooth. Jensen loves Jared’s hands the way they are - warm, strong and graceful. With his other hand still on Jared’s face, he tilts it up so he can look into his husband’s pained eyes. Jensen knows Jared didn’t say those things so Jensen would feel sorry for him, Jared has never been like that. He truly feels this way and that’s even worse.

“Baby…” Jensen starts and Jared leans slightly into his touch. “Please don’t say that, _please_. You know damn well that’s not true. Have you forgotten how strong and amazing you are? All the incredible things this body right here has done? Remember your first gold medal Jay? Remember how awesome you were, how you gave your all to finish first? How you left everyone behind? You made everyone so proud of you baby, and I was the proudest of all. You gave our country a lot of gold medals. I could never swim faster than you, remember? Even using my full force. What about all the times you spoke for other people on behalf of our organization? You were always so proud of your achievements and you are such an inspiration to so many people. You’re a superhero, Jay. How you managed to get your life back together and make it an even better one, is amazing. You’ve done nothing but show us all how incredible you are during all these years. And you’ve been doing an excellent job with taking care of me. I would never have it any other way, I could never do this without you. Doctor Ruth was right in putting her trust in you, you never failed her or me! Quite the contrary, you’ve been catching me over and over, nobody could have done a better job than you and I would not trust anyone else to even try. But everyone has their own needs Jay. Your paraplegia requires that you take extra care of your body and that doesn’t make you weaker than anyone else, it doesn’t make you selfish in the least, and most importantly, it doesn’t make your body useless. It just needs more attention than a fully abled body, that is all. I want you to keep taking care of me like you’ve been doing, but it doesn’t mean we can’t rely on others to pitch in a little as well. We are all a team in this. And I’m asking you please to take a little time for yourself because you need it just like everyone else does. There’s no shame in this. It’s just for a few hours, just to clear your head. Go with Chad, and please don’t feel guilty about it. Everything will be okay.”

They stare at each other silently, Jensen allowing some time for Jared to process everything Jensen had said. Then his husband lifts his free hand and places it over Jensen’s on his face, speaking in a low wounded voice.

“I just wish I was enough for you, that’s all.”

Jensen furrows his brow and purses his lips, emotion over Jared’s words filling his eyes. He pulls Jared closer their foreheads are touching.

“Oh you are, my beautiful Hot Wheels. You are way more than enough, so much more than you even realize. I could never ask for more in my life and whenever I count my blessings, they are all you. Call me a sap but I don’t care, you make me the biggest sap in the world.”

A slow smile forms on Jared’s face as tears again fall down his face. “I love you.”

Jensen smiles back and places a sweet kiss on Jared’s lips. “I know.” He says into Jared’s mouth. “I love you too.”

Jensen wraps his arms around Jared and hugs him tight, his husband holding him just as fiercely and they draw strength from one another. That’s how they always function, one catching the other when they fall. And that’s how it’s always gonna be.

When they break apart, Jensen kisses Jared’s temple and wipes his tears with his thumb. “Ready to hang out with Chad?”

Jared sniffs and nods. “As long as he doesn’t drag me to a strip club or something.”

Jensen chuckles. “No way. Stripping is exclusive to this room only.”

_**Jared** _

Jared is in the car with Chad, heading to the gym. Even after his heartfelt conversation with Jensen, it wasn’t easy leaving his husband. Jared is actually trying his best not to pick up his phone and message him to see how he’s doing, even if he just left him ten minutes ago. He can do this, he will do this.

Even though Jared doesn’t want to admit it, he knows Jensen is right. He hasn’t been paying attention to himself, and even worse, he has been feeling guilty for not being able to do more for Jensen. Jared hasn’t left Jensen’s side ever since the treatments began, and yes, he has been pushing his own care aside. It just didn’t feel as important because Jensen needed him more. Jared kept telling himself that he was okay, pushing through the pain and exhaustion. But as Jensen pointed out, Jared doesn’t have the luxury of not taking care of his body. He could face serious consequences if he keeps on doing that. The situation has been seriously messing with Jared’s head; he wants and needs to be Jensen’s caretaker, yet feels guilty every time he even thinks about resting or doing the things he knows he should to keep himself healthy. He has long ago learned how to accept and love his imperfect body, he has learned how to deal with his limitations and live a great life with them. However, it has all been thrown for a loop in his mind.

Now he’s terrified that everything is circling back to where he feels like he did during those first months after his paralysis - completely incapable. He often wishes he could do more for Jensen, it frustrates him when there’s something he can’t do because he is handicapped. Jared wishes he could just take a break from his disability, that he could go back to normal walking at least for the period that Jensen needs him. He truly doesn’t want more than that; all he wants is to be able to look after Jensen properly. And he’ll grudgingly admit he is too proud to ask others for help, wanting to do everything on his own, and he hadn’t realized how much he was harming himself.

So, Jared is going to do what Jensen has asked of him. He’s going to take some time to care for himself, but only because he needs to be at his best to take care of Jensen.

Chad’s voice brings Jared back from his thoughts. “Dude I’ve gotta say, I didn’t think Jensen would manage to convince you to unglue yourself from his side to go out for a bit. It must have taken him a lot of convincing to get you in this car with me.”

Jared gives a wry smile. “You’re damn right about that. I really didn’t want to leave Jensen, but apparently I need to clear my head a bit and start taking care of myself again.”

Chad nods. “Damn right you do. I’m glad Jensen and I agree on that. I’ve been telling you this from the start Jaybird, and you didn’t listen to me. You can’t forget about yourself! I understand it’s hard, damn if it was Danni or Anne going through something like this I know I wouldn’t be paying much attention to myself. But you have to Jare, you…”

Chad trails off and bites the inside of his cheek. Jared finishes for him because his trail of thought is obvious. “I have a _special condition_. Damn it, _I know_ , Chad. Very well, thanks. Not like I can forget.” Jared is actually tired of feeling sorry for himself lately, and can’t keep the snippiness out of his voice.

Chad opens his mouth to answer but Jared cuts him off. “Let’s just get to the gym.”

Jared and Chad spend some quality time exercising. Jared usually works out with Jensen, but it’s not unusual for Chad to join them as well. Jared misses having his husband with him but knowing Chad is used to his routine sets him more at ease about going through it. When he starts working out, he realizes just how much he has missed it - especially how much his body has missed it. Working out is very good for him, Jared learned that a long time ago. Keeping himself in shape is also important for his self-esteem. He needs to take it easy and warm himself up for a while because he hasn’t been to the gym for weeks, but eventually his body gets back on track as muscle memory kicks in. He does some pull ups on the bar which is his favorite exercise; he can feel tension ebbing from his body as he stretches. He straps himself to his wheelchair using a special belt, and he pulls himself up using the bar with the added weight of the chair. It’s very hard work and it took Jared a long time to be able to master it. At first he would do it without the chair while someone held his legs up. Everytime he does it now, people nearby stop what they are doing to watch him. He doesn’t mind one bit, he’s damn proud of his strength, a flood of memories as he remembers feeling good about his body and what it _can_ do. He gets a lot of true compliments when he works out, and this time it isn’t different. People know who Jared is and he can feel their concerned eyes on him, everybody knows Jensen is battling cancer, but thankfully nobody addresses the matter and Jared is grateful. He really doesn’t feel like discussing any of it right now with strangers, and he’s got a natural high from exercising going on that feels fantastic.

Once they are done with the arduous routine and he’s worked up a healthy sweat, Jared heads to the pool so he can swim a bit. He meets up with some of his swimming buddies who are in training and they spend a little while chit chatting to catch up. Everybody has been worried about him ever since Jared came back home early from Toronto. Since Jared has kept himself closed off from the outside world, he hasn’t seen his friends and only communicated a few times via text. So it’s especially good to see them, being around people who are like him is always reassuring and gives Jared an extra boost of confidence, helping him feel less insecure about his body. They swim together doing laps and lighthearted races, and Jared can feel his spirits lifting even more when he realizes he’s actually smiling naturally.

Once he’s done in the pool, he takes a shower and meets up with Chad who is patiently waiting for him. “Ready to go back home now Jare?”

Jared shakes his head. “Not really. I’ve been thinking and there’s something I want to do before going home. Can you take me?”

Chad grins, eager to see his friend happy and wanting to go somewhere else. “Just tell me where to!”

*

A couple of hours later, Chad drops Jared off at his home. After thanking and saying goodbye to his best friend, Jared wheels inside. He greets Harley and rolls to the living room to find Jensen lying on the couch, taking a nap. Donna comes in from the kitchen to greet him.

“Hi Jared, how was your afternoon?”

Donna kisses his cheek and Jared smiles at her. “It was really good, Donna. Is Jen doing okay?”

“He’s fine. He had a snack earlier, we watched a couple of movies, and he has been sleeping for about half an hour. I’m fixing up some dinner for you boys and then I’ll be on my way to leave you two alone.”

“Thanks for staying with him, Donna. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you guys for help, I just thought I could do everything on my own. I won’t do that again, I promise.”

Donna gives him an affectionate smile, placing a light hand on Jared’s shoulder. “It’s okay. I understand, and I appreciate that you take such good care of my son. How about I come over once a week from now on so you can get out for a little while? You know I worry about you just as much as I worry about Jensen and I want to see you doing well too. You’re both very important to Alan and me.”

Jared nods. It’s about time he learns how to accept help. “It’s a deal.”

*

Once Donna leaves, Jared joins Jensen on the couch and waits for his husband to wake up. When Jensen finally opens his eyes, he takes a few moments to orient himself and fixes his gaze on Jared.

“Evening, sleepyhead,” Jared says with a fond voice.

Jensen smiles softly and props himself up on his arms so he can sit up as Jared offers a hand to help him. “Hey Jay. How long have you been back? How was your day?”

Jared leans over to give his husband a tender kiss. “Been back for about twenty minutes. It was a really good day, baby. I feel much better.”

Jensen grins and from the look on his face Jared can tell he is proud of himself for his plan having worked. “Good.”

Jared purses his lips. “I have a surprise for you, Jen.”

“What is it?” Jensen asks, lifting his eyebrows.

Slowly, Jared unbuttons his shirt, shrugging it off so it falls behind him. When Jensen finds the spot on his chest, his eyes get as big as saucers.

“Wha…”

On the right side of Jared’s chest, there are three words inked. _Love Always Wins_.

Jared had been meaning to get a tattoo for Jensen for quite some time. Jensen had gotten the rosary tattooed for him so long ago, but Jared had wanted to wait for the perfect thing, wanting it to be equally special. A few years back, they had travelled to Texas to visit Jensen’s family, and while there decided to go to Austin for a couple of days to revisit the city Jared used to live in. They went to dinner one night and came across this wall which had the words _Love Will Win_ painted on it. It touched both of them deeply, the words so meaningful to their lives and everything they’d been through together. Both of them had taken pictures of the wall, and have carried those words with them ever since. After finding out about Jensen’s cancer, Jared’s desire to get his tattoo done only grew, and the idea came to him while at the gym as he was lost in thoughts of taking care of himself for Jensen. Because he loves Jensen. Naturally, it was the perfect thing.

He picks up Jensen’s hand and places it over the tattoo. “I wanted to give you something just as meaningful as the rosary. I want to show you that no matter what we go through, our love will win every time. Our lives aren’t easy, but what we have is much more special because of the journey. We have our scars and we will keep fighting forever to carry on with our happy ending. I didn’t get the tattoo done over my heart, I got it in the same place as your tumor. Because we are gonna win that battle just as we have won all the other battles so far. Our love will always win.”

Jensen presses his hand harder against Jared’s chest, it stings a bit but Jared is far from caring. His husband’s eyes fill with tears, and he looks at Jared with so much emotion in them that Jared can’t keep his own tears at bay. Jensen swallows hard and licks his lips. He opens his mouth but closes again. Finally, he only manages to mouth two words. _Thank you_.

Jared nods, his own throat to tight to speak. Jensen surges forward and kisses Jared, hard and passionate. It’s been a while since they’ve done anything other than light kissing because Jensen is always too worn out for anything more physical. Apparently now he has found some rush of strength, his hands running all over Jared’s chest and abs. Jared quickly removes Jensen’s own shirt and presses their bare chests together so both of their tattoos can touch, their bodies warm as their hearts beat in sync. Jared wraps his arms around Jensen and holds him close, showering his face with kisses. He knows Jensen doesn’t have the stamina for much more but that’s okay. Just holding him close is enough for Jared, feeling Jensen pressed against him, their deep bond back in sync gives Jared a boost of confidence. The last chemo session for this round is in two days, and then Jensen will go through a series of tests to see if he is ready to have the surgery. It’s still scary as hell, but Jared has faith. He has love. And their love always wins.

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again guys and thanks one more time for reading my sequel! I love this chapter, it was great showing Jared's side of this and how he's truly feeling, write his breakdown because I felt it was inevitable. What do you guys think? Please please let me know!
> 
> Just want to say that my sequel has reached 70k words and I'm just WOW! how did this happened? And I still have a lot to write, I hope you guys don't end up finding it boring lol... I'm just a sucker for details. Please let me know if you guys think I should speed things up or if this rhythm is good. I just love showing everything, taking my time with every scene, not just hurry through the story. But hey, that's just me! I hope you guys like it too!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter - Wait for it!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5pECaW-VMI)   
> 

__

_**Jensen** _

It’s finally time for the last chemo session for this round of treatment. Jensen can’t wait for it to end, at least for now. His body is weak and Jensen feels exhausted all the time, as well as cranky and nauseated amongst a lot of other things. Jensen knows this journey is far from over, but he just needs a break to recover a little. And life is funny enough that this last session was scheduled for September 11th, of all days. Jensen takes it as a good sign, he refuses to believe it’s anything else.

Chris had asked to join them for the last session, he’d told Jensen he felt bad for not being able to be around as much lately as work was just really busy, so Jensen had agreed - after running it by Jared - to let Chris tag along. He had warned Chris that he wouldn’t be allowed in the infusion room itself as they only let one person in with the patient, and Jensen knows hell will freeze over before Jared allows anyone else who isn’t him in there. His husband has been to every single one of his sessions, he wouldn’t willingly give up his place on the very last one for this round, and honestly, Jensen doesn’t want him to. Chris reassured Jensen that it was okay, he would just wait outside until it was over.

Jared drives them to the center, he and Chris making small talk during the ride; Jensen trying to save his energy by just listening. They finally arrive and get out of the car - Jensen isn’t using the wheelchair today, he’s a bit slow on his feet but he’s feeling confident enough to walk on his own. The session goes smoothly as Jared sits by his side through it all and after a couple of hours it’s over. Alaina calls Doctor Ruth’s secretary to set up his follow-up appointment and soon they are discharged. Chris meets up with them, asking how Jensen is doing and if he can help, but for now Jensen is just happy with holding onto his husband as his now normal after-session exhaustion kicks in, and they slowly walk outside to the car.

He sleeps through the whole ride home, and by the time they arrive at the house Jensen is feeling weaker. He was hoping this time he could find the strength to manage but he knows he will have trouble getting out of the car and into the house by himself, so he takes a chance.

“Chris… do you mind helping me in?”

Jensen takes Jared’s hand as he asks his friend and squeezes it, raising an eyebrow at him. He can see his husband is torn, he is still having a hard time accepting help from others since he believes he should be the only one responsible for Jensen’s care. But he has been learning that it’s okay to accept help from time to time, so Jared swallows his pride and nods at Jensen and then at Chris, who apparently had been holding his breath waiting for Jared’s approval. So after getting Jared’s chair from the trunk and setting it up for him, Chris helps Jensen out of the car and supports his weight as they walk inside.

Jensen sleeps for a good part of the afternoon, and when he wakes up Chris is still there, hanging out with Jared. Later they all have a light dinner together, Jensen doesn’t eat much but he manages to keep down the small portion he does consume. They spend some time together until Jensen falls asleep on the couch in the middle of a conversation, and Chris calls it a night. Before leaving, Chris helps Jensen again by walking him to the bedroom, and promises to come by more often.

Jensen pulls Jared closer to him on the bed before sleep can overtake him again. “Thanks for allowing Chris to help today, Jay. I know it’s not easy for you.”

Jared plants a soft kiss on Jensen’s forehead. “I’m trying to learn that accepting help from time to time doesn’t make me less capable. I learned that about myself a long time ago but apparently I ended up forgetting. I’m getting there. By the way… happy new life day.”

Despite his exhaustion, Jensen falls asleep with a smile on his face.

*

A few days later, Jensen goes for his follow-up appointment with Doctor Ruth, alongside Jared of course. His body is still a bit weak after so many chemo sessions, so Jensen borrows one of Jared’s crutches to give him more stability as he walks.

Doctor Ruth welcomes them into her office with a smile on her face. “Welcome my darlings! Jensen, how are you feeling?”

Jensen settles himself on the chair and Jared parks his own chair next to him, placing a comforting hand on his knee which Jensen covers with his own, and shrugs. “Tired, weak, nauseated almost all the time. But I guess that’s normal.”

Ruth gives him a sympathetic smile. “Yes, unfortunately it is. Those drugs are not a walk in the park. But they serve a good purpose. Now it’s time to see if your tumor has shrunk, so we will know if we can think about the surgery or if you need another cycle of chemotherapy. You’re going to have a CT scan done so we can have a look at it and then we can discuss things further.”

Jensen feels less nervous now than he did the first time. He’s been doing what’s been recommended, he feels good about it, and Jared is here with him. Before leaving so he can prepare for the procedure, he hands Jared his wedding band, who puts it on his finger alongside with his own band. Jensen gives Jared a sweet kiss.

“I’ll be right back.”

“And I’ll wait right here.”

*

While Jensen is inside the machine, his mind switches tracks and the crazy thoughts set in. What if the tumor has grown? What if Doctor Ruth tells him all those chemo sessions were for nothing? Jensen tries not to freak out completely so he’s able to get through the whole thing while staying still, but he’s suddenly terrified with what he’s about to hear.

When he returns to the office, they are asked to wait until Doctor Ruth returns with the findings. When Jensen sits down, Jared takes his hand and slips his wedding band back on his finger, placing a soft kiss on it and asking how it was.

“It was okay,” Jensen answers, chewing his bottom lip, and Jared picks up on his anxiousness.

“It’s gonna be fine, Jen.”

“What if she tells us it was all for nothing? That the tumor has grown instead of shrinking? What if…”

Jared places a finger on Jensen’s lips, cutting him off. “Baby, stop with the ‘what ifs’. They lead nowhere and we both know that very well. Let’s just wait to see what the doctor will say. I know it will be fine, I have faith it will be.”

Jensen nods and they wait in silence until Doctor Ruth returns. She sits down across them at her desk and addresses them both, showing the scans.

“Well boys, I have the results.” She looks at Jensen and gives him a kind smile. “I know you’re worried sweetie, however I bring good news. The treatment worked as expected and your tumor is considerably smaller, making it possible for us to perform the surgery with more chance of success, no need to go for another round of chemotherapy for now.”

Ruth shows them both scans, the one previous to the treatment and the one Jensen had today. She points to the spot on Jensen’s right lung, and it’s clear that it’s much smaller now. She allows the news to sink in for a few moments, and Jensen feels something loosen in his chest as he takes a deep, relieved breath. Jared is squeezing his hand and he feels tears pooling in his eyes.

“It worked,” Jensen whispers, looking at Jared who also has wet eyes and is smiling broadly at him.

“It worked, Jen.”

Jensen smiles back at Jared, squeezing his hand in return. He looks back at the doctor who is also smiling. “Yes Jensen, this is great news. I’m very glad to see how the tumor responded to the chemotherapy, that’s very important for the next step.”

Jensen nods, still processing the fact that the treatment worked, he has a _chance_. “So… when can I have the surgery done? How does it work?”

“I’m not a surgeon Jensen, so it’s best if you discuss the details with the one performing the surgery on you. I can tell you this though: there are a few kinds of surgeries to remove non-small cell lung cancers. Based on my experience, the most recommended one for your case is a lobectomy which is the removal of a portion of your lung, the lobe containing the cancer. You’ll need to go through some more tests beforehand to see if your organs are healthy enough for it. It is a delicate procedure Jensen. I know it may sound scary, but the surgery really is your best option at survival, Jensen.”

Jensen nods, taking it all in. He looks at Jared who nods back at him and looks at Ruth. “Do you have a surgeon to recommend? A very badass one, please.”

The Doctor chuckles. “Well, Doctor Sheppard is a surgeon here and he specializes in lung surgeries. He’s one of the best in the whole country. I highly recommend him, you’d be in incredibly competent hands, Jensen. You can go home and do your research on him and others too if you wish. We can set up an appointment for a couple of days from now so you can have a talk with him, he will explain everything to you much better than I can.”

“That sounds good to me. The faster we carry on with this, the faster we will be done,” Jensen answers, already knowing Jared will do all the research he can on the doctor as soon as they arrive home. His husband will make sure Jensen is in the best hands for the surgery.

Jared and Jensen leave the center with an appointment with Doctor Sheppard in a few days. Both head to the car in silence, just holding hands, allowing some time to take it all in. Once they are settled, Jensen sinks down into the car seat, allowing his body to finally relax as he closes his eyes. He feels the gentle touch of Jared’s fingers on his face, so Jensen opens his eyes again to look at his husband. Jared has tears running down his face and is smiling widely.

“See baby? It’s better now, the tumor is smaller, you have an excellent chance. We’re gonna beat this Jen, I just know it.”

Jensen’s own tears fall down as emotion takes him over. He turns his face and kisses Jared’s fingers, and then pulls his husband down closer to him, wrapping his arms around him. They hold onto each other for a while, both feeling deeply relieved and confident for the small battle they’d won. The war wasn’t over yet, but they are one step closer.

For the first time Jensen actually feels they can win the whole thing and lets himself bask in that momentarily as he holds Jared even tighter.

*

On the following Monday, Jared and Jensen are sitting in another waiting room at the center, waiting for their appointment with Dr. Sheppard. As predicted, the second they arrived home after seeing Doctor Ruth, Jared turned his iPad on to do his research on Dr. Mark Sheppard as Jensen watched and listened to Jared’s report. Turns out, the man is a very well known and respected surgeon, he’s a specialist in lung surgery and comes highly recommended. Both of them were excited to meet him after reading so many nice things about him and his successes. Jensen hopes he’s a nice guy.

The receptionist lets them know they can head back, and Jensen follows Jared to the office. They are met by the doctor, who greets them both with a handshake.

“Nice to meet both of you, please let’s have a seat.” Jensen notices there’s only one chair in front of the desk, the other one is pushed against the wall. Ruth must have told Doctor Sheppard that Jared is a wheelchair user and he made preparations for Jared to get settled. That makes Jensen like the doctor instantly.

Once they’re all seated, Doctor Sheppard links his fingers and addresses them. “So, Jensen - I’m gonna call you Jensen - it’s good to meet you. You too Jared, let’s talk more about all those medals of yours later okay?” The doctor has a British accent and immediately puts both of them at ease. Jared gives the doctor a small smile and squeezes Jensen’s knee. “Doctor Connell has told me about you and I’ve taken a look at your scans. Let’s get rid of that thing in your lung, shall we?”

Jensen smiles at the doctor, feeling more confident all of a sudden. “That’s what I want the most.”

The doctor takes time to thoroughly explain everything to them in detail about the surgery: what part of Jensen’s lung they are going to remove and the impact that can have on Jensen’s body in the future, the kind of anesthesia that will be required, the pre- and postoperative procedures and finally, what risks the surgery has - that’s the answer Jared is most interested in, apparently.

“All surgery has its own set of inherent risks,” Doctor Sheppard starts. “That’s a big surgery Jensen, a portion of your lung will be removed. I won’t lie to you, there are things that can go wrong just like in any other operation. You’ll be going through some tests before we schedule the surgery to ensure you’re fit and pass any possible barriers, but yes, there’s always the chance of something going wrong. I can assure you that we’re going to do everything in our power for the surgery to be a success. It’s your best chance at being healed from this cancer, Jensen. It’s the best way to go.”

Jensen has been dreading the surgery, since of course it is a _surgery_ , but as the doctor said, it’s his best chance, he has always known that. He trusts the doctor to do an excellent job given he is a specialist and has stellar recommendations. Still, Jensen’s literally putting his life in his hands, so nervousness or anxiousness is expected.

They leave the office in comfortable silence. Jensen has a lot of tests scheduled for the next several days to ensure he is fit for the surgery. Once those are done and he is deemed a viable surgical candidate, then they will schedule the procedure. Jared waits for Jensen to be settled in the passenger seat and runs a hand down his face.

“I like Doctor Sheppard. I believe he’s our best choice.”

Jensen nods. He is still terrified with the idea of going through a major surgery but he’s confident about the doctor. “Agreed. I felt a good vibe from him, and that added to our research makes me positive he’s the right doctor to do it.”

Jared brings Jensen’s hand to his face and plants a kiss on his knuckles, bringing their joined hands to his chest, right over his hidden tattoo. “Well, you’re the most precious thing I have so I could only leave you in the best hands.”

Jensen can’t help but smile, his heart filling with warmth. There’s hope.

*

Jensen goes through some tests during the next few days to be cleared for the surgery. They do a pulmonary function test to see if Jensen will still have enough healthy lung tissue left after the surgery, and also a heart function test as well as checking other vital organs.There’s also a preanesthetic assessment to see if it’s safe for Jensen to use a general anesthesia. They return to Doctor Sheppard’s office a few days later for the results, and the doctor informs Jensen that he’s fit for the surgery.

“Your body is in good shape Jensen,” the doctor tells him. “Despite the cancer, your lungs are in good condition and your heart is strong and healthy. So we can schedule your surgery for a few days from now. I have to warn you again that since this is a major operation there can be complications. But as I’ve told you, we are going to do our very best to make sure everything goes smoothly.”

After some more discussion, they decide to schedule the surgery for the following Saturday, five days from now. Jensen worries it’s too soon - his nervousness is really starting to show. He is scared since it is indeed a major surgery after all, but the doctor tells him the sooner they do it, the better. They don’t want the tumor to grow again now that Jensen is not going through the chemotherapy anymore. Jared senses his distress, and places a hand on his shoulder.

“I agree, Jen. It can get worse if we wait any longer. Let’s just get this thing out of you once and for all.”

Doctor Sheppard smiles at both of them. “I like him,” he says pointing to Jared. “And not only for his medals. He is right, Jensen. The sooner the better. And afterwards you will go through a couple of chemo rounds to ensure it’s been handled and if everything goes well it will all be gone very soon.”

Jensen nods as he lets it sink in, letting out a breath, nodding at them. “You’re right, I know you’re both right, let’s just get this over with.”

After they are given all the directions to prepare for the surgery, they are sent home. During the ride Jensen is quiet, and Jared reaches out to take his hand. “In a few days this will be gone from your body, Jen. We are gonna do everything the doctor said to make sure the surgery goes well. We’re gonna beat it baby, I know it.”

Jared kisses his knuckles and Jensen smiles. Yes, they will.

*

The next few days prior to the surgery are busy. Jensen goes for walks twice a day; the physiotherapist he talked to along with the surgeon recommended he do it, as it will help with his recovery. Jared and Harley join him and he walks for about half an hour each time. He has been feeling stronger since finishing the chemo treatments, and he’s able to walk unassisted again which is great. Jensen also does some breathing exercises that the physiotherapist taught him that will also help with recovery and the impact on his lungs. As Jared had said, they are doing everything they can to maximize the chances of a good surgery and recovery.

Everyone stops by to spend some time with Jensen prior to the surgery. His parents come by everyday for a little while, and Donna spends all of Wednesday with Jensen so Jared can go out for a while with Chad like they’ve been doing. Not that Jensen needs anyone with him these days, he’s feeling okay, but his mom wants to spend some time with him and Jensen understands.

On Friday, Jensen is nervous all day long. The surgery is in less than 24 hours and he can’t find a way to quell his anxiety. He goes for a walk with Jared holding his hand as usual, and his palms are sweaty. He stays quiet and he knows Jared can feel his tension, his husband squeezes his hand from time to time to reassure him. They decide to watch a movie and relax once they are back home, and Jensen can sense that Jared is nervous too. Jensen can’t forget that even though he’s the one going through the surgery, Jared will have to sit in a waiting room while it happens, waiting for the outcome. And Jensen knows Jared will never admit he’s nervous because he thinks he has to put up a strong act for Jensen, but Jensen’s having none of it. So he decides to give them a little treat, asking Jared to stay in the living room.

“What are you gonna do baby?”Jared asks as Jensen goes to the kitchen.

“It’s a surprise, and you better keep your ass on that couch otherwise I’m bringing your chair with me to make sure you stay put.”

“Hey now, that’s not fair!” Jared yells as Jensen enters the kitchen and he chuckles. He gathers all the ingredients he needs for what he wants to do. He doesn’t think it’ll be as great as Jared’s but he can try. When it’s done, Jensen adds the finishing touches and brings back a plate to the living room with him, sitting down beside Jared and showing it to him.

“What’s that baby? Pancakes at two in the afternoon?” Jared chuckles as he takes the fork Jensen offers him.

“So what? IHOP serves breakfast all day long, why can’t the Padalecki-Ackles home do the same?”

Jared smiles and looks at the pile of pancakes with lots of syrup dripping from it, a few strawberries on the side and whipped cream on top forming a heart.

“I know it’s not as good as the ones you make and I know you love to make pancakes,” Jensen shrugs. “But I know the mood is heavy today and you’re nervous as hell too with the surgery tomorrow. Don’t deny it. It can’t be easy for you, we’re both worried. So I wanted to make us something nice to help us enjoy and relax.”

Jared stares at him for several seconds before taking a bite of the pancakes. “This is awesome, baby. And you’re right. I’m very nervous about the upcoming surgery because I keep imagining the worst case scenarios. I just want everything to be alright and I won’t relax until it’s over.”

Jensen puts an arm around Jared and takes a bite as well. “I’m nervous too. I’m gonna have my chest opened and a part of my lung removed tomorrow. So I don’t know. I’m just hoping for the best.”

They eat the pancakes in silence, holding onto each other. Neither assures the other that everything will be alright, because now that the surgery is so close, they can’t be sure about that. They can only hope.

Later in the day, they welcome their friends and family to their house for dinner. Everyone had asked to come over to see Jensen one more time before the surgery so he and Jared decided to gather everyone in one place. They were hoping it would also be a way to help both of them relax a bit before the big day. Jared was actually the one who suggested the dinner, and Jensen had a small suspicion there was something more to it but he didn’t ask.

Everybody is gathered in the living room: Jensen’s parents, Chris, Steve and Lana, Chad, Danneel and Anne, Becky, David and J.D., Sandy and her husband. Pretty much all of their closest friends who leave nearby. Everybody is talking and trying to keep the mood light when the doorbell rings. Jensen is confused for a second since everyone they have invited is here.

“Baby, go get the door please?” Jared asks with that look on his face again and now Jensen is sure he’s up to something. So Jensen does as asked and goes see who has arrived.

When he opens the door his jaw drops. At the doorstep are Mackenzie, Josh, and his wife holding Jensen’s nephew and they all yell “SURPRISE!”

Jensen looks at his siblings and his eyes get moist, he can’t believe they are here. Jensen puts his arms around both of them for a triple hug, and holds them tight. He has missed his brother and sister a lot, especially after being diagnosed. They’ve been talking frequently, both of them deeply worried about Jensen’s health, and they had promised to come for a visit whenever possible but neither had said anything, so Jensen had assumed they were busy.

He pulls back and looks from Mack to Josh, both have suspiciously red eyes. “Why didn’t you guys tell me you were coming?”

Mack boops his nose. “That’s what surprise means, silly!”

Jensen smiles at her and steps aside so they can get inside. He hugs his sister-in-law as well and kisses his nephew before closing the door and turning to Jared. “You were in on this, weren’t you?”

Jared shrugs and tries to play innocent. “Well maybe I heard something. Your parents knew too!”

Donna and Alan get up to hug their children, and once everyone is settled - Kevin, Jensen’s nephew, sits in a corner with Anne to play - Jensen addresses his siblings. “Thank you guys for coming. It means a lot that you are here.”

Josh reaches out and places a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “Of course Jensen. We would have come before if it were possible, but we could never miss your surgery. We had to be here with you, bro. I know Jared has been taking awesome care of you but we wanted to offer support as well.”

Jensen nods, feeling very thankful for them to take their time to be here. The mood is uplifted after his siblings’ arrival, and they all spend a good evening together. Everybody leaves early since Jensen needs to rest and prepare for tomorrow. Chad and Danni take Harley with them as they leave since neither Jared nor Jensen will have time to take care of him properly for the next several days.

Jared and Jensen hug everybody and Jensen thanks his siblings again for coming, both promising to be at the hospital tomorrow for the surgery. When he closes the door, he turns to Jared, who holds up a hand. Jensen takes it and sits sideways on Jared’s lap.

“Thank you for the surprise baby. I really appreciate that they are here.”

Jared smiles and runs a hand through the stubble that has grown on Jensen’s head ever since he stopped the chemo. “I know. I’ve been in contact with them and both have said they really wanted to be here for the surgery. I’m glad everything worked out.”

Jensen is as well.

Once everything is cleaned up, Jensen drinks some water since he’s supposed to fast starting at midnight for the surgery. Then he takes a shower - he is supposed to take one the night before and another in the morning - and gets on the bed while he waits for Jared to go through his nightly routine.

When Jared finally joins him Jensen doesn’t say anything, just pulls his husband close and kisses him passionately. He doesn’t know what will happen tomorrow, so he wants to feel Jared as much as he can. Jared responds just as intensely and Jensen blankets him with his body, supporting himself on one elbow as he showers Jared’s face and neck with kisses. They haven’t been intimate in a long time, ever since Jensen’s treatment started because the drugs pretty much killed Jensen’s libido. Plus he was feeling exhausted all the time, he just couldn’t bring himself to do much. Then there was the matter of taking care with his bodily fluids, making sure other people didn’t get in contact with them. Jensen wanted to make sure the drugs wouldn’t affect Jared, so he kept his distance. But now, now Jensen wants Jared so much, he has missed his husband deeply. And from the way Jared is clinging to him and responding to his kisses, he has missed Jensen just as much.

Jensen is still worried about tomorrow, he knows very well something can go wrong and in the worst case scenario, he won’t make it back home. The doctor said it’s not common, but it _could_ happen. If it does, Jensen needs to feel Jared one last time. He has no idea if he is allowed to do this the night before the surgery but he’s willing to take the risk.

“I need to make love to you, baby.” Jensen whispers into Jared’s skin, and Jared tightens his hold in response.

“Are you sure Jen, I…” Jared starts, his voice only a whisper and Jensen knows Jared really needs that too. He shuts him up with a kiss.

“Yes,” he whispers in Jared’s mouth. “I need to feel you as deep as I can.”

And that’s what Jensen does. He takes his time to worship Jared’s whole body, from head to toe, tasting it as much as he can. He takes his time opening Jared with his husband’s help as usual, and after Jared coats his dick with lube, Jensen finally penetrates him, Jared keeping a hand on his hole like he always does to feel his husband sliding inside him. Once Jensen has bottomed out, he lets out a breath - he has missed this so much. Jensen pulls almost all the way out and slams back inside Jared as hard as he can, to make sure his husband feels it, and Jared’s face is the greatest view in the world. Jensen starts pounding into him with everything he has, needing to bury himself as deep as he can inside Jared, needing to feel him as much as possible.

Jensen leans down and places his arms firmly behind Jared’s back, bringing his husband into a sitting position on his lap, and as Jared clings to him Jensen adjusts Jared’s legs on his sides so he is in a comfortable position. Jensen wraps his arms securely around Jared’s back to keep him in place and brings their bodies as close as possible, thrusting up forcefully to bury his dick into Jared so he feels it. Jensen places a hand behind Jared’s neck, grabbing a fistful of sweaty hair, and smashes their mouths together, kissing his husband with all the love he has. Jared holds onto him so tight they might as well be fused together, biting and sucking at his neck so forcefully it almost hurts, and Jensen thrusts up a few more times until he feels his load filling up Jared’s insides. He gives Jared’s hip a quick squeeze to let him know he is coming, that’s a signal between them for whenever Jared doesn’t have his hand on his hole to feel it for himself and Jensen is too gone to form words and inform Jared what’s happening down there.

Jensen stays locked inside Jared for a long time after his dick has gone soft, wishing he could stay there forever. They hug each other as tight as humanly possible for god knows how long, without saying a word, just feeling the warmth of each other’s bare skin and allowing their breaths to even out. A lot of unspoken things pass between them in these moments, a reassurance of the immense love they share, the fear for what’s going to happen, the fear of losing each other.

Eventually, Jensen pulls out and lies Jared back down on the bed, he doesn’t want his husband to feel pain in his back if they stay in this odd position for much longer. After getting a warm wet cloth to clean both of them up, Jensen joins Jared on the bed and they lie down on their sides, facing each other. They stare deeply into each other’s eyes and tears suddenly fall down Jensen’s face; the deep fear of losing what they have, losing these moments, taking over Jensen.

Jared reaches out for Jensen’s hand, bringing it to his lips and placing a lingering kiss on the back of it, linking their fingers together and singing in a whispered voice.

 _Oh, Why you look so sad?_  
_Tears are in your eyes_  
_Come on and come to me now_  
_But don't be ashamed to cry_  
_Let me see you through_  
_Cause I've seen the dark side too_  
_When the night falls on you_  
_You don't know what to do_  
_Nothing you confess_  
_Could make me love you less_

 _I'll stand by you_  
_I'll stand by you_  
_Won't let nobody hurt you_  
_I'll stand by you_

Jensen’s crying intensifies and Jared gently wipes his tears with his thumbs, then pulls Jensen to his chest, wrapping one arm tightly around him while caressing his head with his other hand.

 _So, if you're mad, get mad_  
_Don't hold it all inside_  
_Come on and talk to me now_  
_Hey, what you got to hide?_  
_I get angry too_  
_Well I'm a lot like you_  
_When you're standing at the crossroads_  
_And don't know which path to choose_  
_Let me come along_  
_'cause even if you're wrong_  
_I'll stand by you_

Jensen shakes as he remembers how he had hidden things from Jared when this first began, how he then went on to unleash all his frustration on his husband and yet Jared was always there, always the biggest source of strength for Jensen. His reason to go on and fight.

 _Take me in, into your darkest hour_  
_And I'll never desert you_  
_I'll stand by you_  
_And when,_  
_When the night falls on you, baby_  
_You're feeling all alone_  
_You won't be on your own_  
_I'll stand by you._

And Jensen _will_ fight. For Jared. For both of them.

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey again and thanks for reading one more chapter! As I was writing this one, it kept getting longer because what was supposed to be only a mention of the boys making love turned into a full scene because that's how I am, you guys know that! I can't just tell, I need to show everything! And the song was a last minute addition, I had written a smaller dialogue to end the scene and chapter, but I was listening to I'll Stand By You on the radio the other day and the lyrics realy got to me, I was like "oh my god, that's my boys!!" so I had to go back and change it, hope you guys like it! Next chapter Jensen finally goes for his surgery, what do you guys expect will happen? Oh by the way, next chapter is also the one with the return of my special guest, any guesses??
> 
> I'm very happy now bc the thing that was making me sad and I told about a few chapters back is solved and things are back on track, my heart feels much lighter! 
> 
> As usual, comments are highly appreciated!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter - Wait for it!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25rL-ooWICU)   
> 

__

_**Jared** _

Jared is taken down a long, dismally lit hall in the hospital, to the very last door which is currently closed. He stares at it as if behind it is his personal hell. He risks a look up at the nurse who gives him a sympathetic smile and Jared wants to punch her, punch _anything_. She reaches for the doorknob and Jared wants to tell her not to open it, he doesn’t want to go inside, he can’t. He just wants to be able to get up and run, run forever, run to nowhere and never be found again.

When the door opens Jared grips his wheels so tight he can’t feel his hands. He forces them to move, rolling the wheels to take him inside, and as he crosses the threshold, the temperature drops at least thirty degrees. Jared’s body shivers as he goes cold - colder - immediately, but he’s too far gone to care. The nurse has stopped beside one of the metal tables and Jared can’t look away. There’s a form on it, covered by a flimsy thin blue sheet, and Jared stares in disbelief, shaking his head, his hands moving him forward anyway as the nurse slowly uncovers the body.

Jared’s insides crumble and turn to dust when he looks upon that face. That gorgeous face with the million scattered freckles and those pouty lips that Jared will never kiss again, the covered lids hiding the green eyes that Jared will never see again. Jared will never hear Jensen’s honeyed whiskey voice, never see his thousand watt smile again. Jensen will never touch him and show him how love can be again. He will never wake up next to Jensen, never be able to tell him how much he loves him. Never. Never ever again.

He stares at Jensen’s body and in that moment Jared knows he’s died right alongside his love. This he can’t come back from.

_You promised._

*

Jared wakes up with a gasp, sweating, with tears streaming down his face. He struggles with his arms to sit up, frantically looking around and that’s when he feels an arm wrapped around him. Jared quickly repositions his body so he can look behind him, and finds his husband with his eyes closed lying next to him.

“Jensen?” Jared shakes him forcefully, not caring at all about waking Jensen up, he just needs to _make sure_. “Jensen please wake up! Jensen, please!”

Jensen’s eyes shoot open, and when Jared sees the deep mossy green he sobs in relief. Jensen sits up in a second, blinking rapidly to try and wake up properly. “Jared, w…”

Before Jensen can say anything else, Jared has scooched back and is wrapping his arms around him so forcefully Jensen almost falls on his back, but Jared doesn’t care. He needs to feel Jensen, the warmth of his body, he needs to feel that he’s alive, he’s _here_. Jensen just clings tightly as Jared sobs, tears soaking his shoulder. When Jared is able to calm down a little, Jensen gently pulls away and places a hand on his face, smiling gently at him. “Bad dream?”

Jared nods, feeling like a scared child running to his parents’ room after a nightmare. “You were gone, and I… I had to see you there and it was so cold, your eyes were closed and…”

Jared can’t finish because his eyes fill with tears again, and Jensen touches their foreheads together, placing his other hand on Jared’s face as well and caressing his cheek.

“Baby, I’m here. See? I’m alive, it’s okay. It was just a bad dream. The surgery hasn’t even happened yet. I know it’s gonna be okay.”

Jensen takes Jared’s hand and brings it to his chest, placing it over his heart. “Feel it. I’m here.”

Jensen lies them back down on the bed, and Jared keeps his hand on Jensen’s heart. It’s almost morning and neither of them are able to go back to sleep, so they just hold onto each other, a silent reassurance that they are there.

When it’s time to get up, they get ready in silence. Jensen takes his second prescribed shower as Jared gets dressed, and then both put their toiletry bags in their duffels. Jared knows he will spend some time in the hospital with Jensen so he’s taking some things as well.

Jared drives them, holding Jensen’s hand the entire time. When they arrive, Jensen fills out some forms and is then taken to a pre-op room and given a gown to change into. Jared takes Jensen’s clothes to put inside his duffel, and Jensen hands him his wedding band. Jared kisses it and places it on his own finger. “I’ll give it back to you soon,” he promises Jensen.

Doctor Sheppard comes to see Jensen, giving a reminder of the process and explaining that he will be taken to the operation room in about an hour. Between now and then a nurse will come collect a sample of his blood in case he needs a transfusion during the surgery, and to take his vitals and shave his chest. An anesthesiologist will come to assess him to ensure correct dosage is used and answer any questions. The doctor leaves them alone, but before either of them can say anything, Jensen’s parents and siblings show up to see him and give him hugs, wishing him luck.

Once Jared and Jensen are left alone again, they sit in silence for a few minutes, taking it all in. Then, there’s another knock on the door. Jared tells them to come in, and when he looks at the face of the person coming inside, his heart stops for a second.

“Justin?”

Jared’s jaw drops when he stares at his ex-boyfriend, dressed in a nurse’s uniform. Justin looks at both of them with the same shocked expression, and then looks back at the chart he has in his hand, murmuring a soft _fuck_.

Jared glances at Jensen, who has the same stunned expression on his face, and then back at Justin who is slowly walking towards them. Jared squeezes Jensen’s hand and grips his wheel tightly with his other hand.

Justin’s face turns red and he grips the chart as he addresses both of them. “Hey J--Jared, Jensen.” He stutters, looking from one to the other. “I’m sorry, I didn’t look closely at the name, I didn’t know it was you. I’m sorry.”

Jared swallows hard, still trying to wrap his head around it. “What… what are you doing here, Justin?”

Justin licks his bottom lip. “Well, I’m a nurse now. I started college years ago when I finally had the money, I left the FDNY and started working here.”

Jared’s eyes go wide when he hears that. Back when Justin and he were dating, a lifetime ago, he had mentioned to Jared a few times that he hoped to be able to go to college someday, graduate in something that would enable him to help people even more. He couldn’t afford it at the time. Despite everything that went wrong between them, Jared feels glad that Justin managed to achieve a personal goal and get into doing what he really wanted.

“Well, I’m glad you were able to do what you always wanted, congratulations.” Jared gives him a nod, and Justin looks back at him, for a moment they stare at each other, each clearly thinking about those days in the past, and Justin nods in return.

“Thank you, Jared.”

Justin looks from Jared to Jensen, who has an eyebrow raised as he watches the whole exchange. “So, Jensen… if you don’t feel comfortable with me working on you I can get another nurse to take over. I just want you guys to know I’ve really changed and I hope you can give me this chance. All I want here is to help you and I promise to give you the best care possible.”

Justin looks hopeful, and Jared watches Jensen, who slowly gazes from Justin to him in consideration. Jared cocks his head and lifts an eyebrow, saying without words that it’s Jensen’s decision. Jensen thinks for a few moments, biting the inside of his cheek, and then glances up at Justin, studying him. He slowly inclines his head in acknowledgement.

“Fine. I can see that you’ve matured and this is important to you. My care is important to me - to us. So you can go ahead and do what you need to do, I’ll give you that.”

Justin looks right at Jensen and bobs his head, offering a relieved smile. “Thank you, Jensen.”

Jared squeezes Jensen’s hand again, he knows it must not be easy for him to agree to this even after all these years. Jensen knows very well how much Justin hurt Jared; they had been in a relationship for several months and Jared was crazy about him. Out of nowhere one day Justin came to Jared and broke up with him, claiming he didn’t feel the same way anymore and had met someone else. Jared had been heartbroken, he’d seen Justin with his new boyfriend and decided to go to a bar to drink his sorrows away. That’s when he met Jensen.

Later, when Jared became a paraplegic and was at the rehabilitation center learning how to function again in his broken body, feeling like his life was over forever, trapped inside an endless dark tunnel, Justin had come to visit him more out of a sense of obligation than anything else. Jared had seen the way Justin had looked at him - actually, how he had looked at his wheelchair - and the relieved look on Justin’s face for not having to deal with him anymore had made him feel even more self-conscious and useless than he’d already been feeling.

But the worst blow of all happened when a few months later he and Jensen went to a party thrown by the fire department, and naturally, Justin was there. When Jensen went to the bar to get them drinks Justin started hitting on him, and Jared saw them. At the time, he still felt deeply insecure about his body, he was having a very hard time accepting himself in a wheelchair and he didn’t think he was worthy of Jensen. Seeing them chatting side by side (even though Jensen didn’t reciprocate the flirting) had been the final straw for Jared. He realized what Jensen was missing out on by staying with him, so Jared had broken up with Jensen the very next day, claiming he needed something better. Of course that wasn’t Justin’s fault directly, he didn’t know at the time that Jensen was taken and by Jared no less, but still, his actions were what had motivated Jared.

So for all of that painful history, Jared knows this is not easy for Jensen - for either of them, really, but he can see in Justin’s eyes and posture that he has matured. So Jared reluctantly lets go of Jensen’s hand and wheels backwards, giving Justin space to do whatever he needs to do. Justin approaches Jensen carefully, looking him in the eye and explaining everything he’s doing. He takes his vitals and draws the blood sample like the doctor had advised. Then he maneuvers Jensen to open his hospital gown, exposing his chest, and brings out a shaving kit to prepare him. Jared can see his eyes lingering on the rosary tattoo Jensen has on his chest, and if Justin connects the dots to Jared’s own rosary he was familiar with, he doesn’t say anything.

Once Justin’s done, he explains to both of them that they are going to have some down time before the surgery and that the anesthesiologist will be by soon to do her job and then Jensen will be taken to the operating room.

“Are you gonna be there for the operation?” Jared asks, and Justin shakes his head.

“No, I am not a surgical nurse but I will be responsible for Jensen during post-op. I’m here for anything you guys need, for any questions you have. Anything at all, even during the surgery Jared, please let me know, I’ll be happy to help.”

After making sure they don’t need anything else, Justin excuses himself and leaves them alone. Jared takes Jensen’s hand again and comes closer, placing a kiss on his knuckles. “Thanks for letting him stay, Jen. I know that wasn’t an easy decision.”

Jensen shrugs. “Well, we’re all more mature now. I thought he deserved a chance. But hey, it doesn’t mean you guys can get too close, you hear me?”

Jared chuckles. “You know I only have eyes for you, darling.”

Jared expects Jensen to smile or make a comeback, but instead Jensen turns serious all of a sudden and looks away. Jared frowns, placing a finger under Jensen’s chin and redirecting his gaze back to him.

“Jen?” Jared doesn’t need to ask further. Jensen bites his bottom lip and turns his body so he’s more on his side facing Jared. He looks deeply into Jared’s eyes, as his husband straightens himself in his chair and frowns, waiting for what Jensen has to say.

Jensen entwines their fingers, squeezing tight. “Jay… now that it’s almost here, there are some things I need to say.” Jared’s frown deepens, suddenly dreading what’s about to come out of Jensen’s mouth. Jensen drops his eyes as he goes on, lowering his gaze to their joined hands. “I know the chances are good, but just in case something happens…”

Jared suddenly knows where this is going, and just _no_. He shakes his head vehemently. “No, Jensen. Just no. Please.” He tries to free his hand from Jensen’s grasp, but his husband holds tighter, keeping him in place.

“Jared, please. Listen to me. Please?” Jensen’s tone is begging, and Jared swallows hard, pursing his lips. He doesn’t want to listen, he can’t. But he knows he will, because Jensen is asking. And now, more than ever before, Jared can’t deny Jensen anything. So he allows Jensen to go on.

“We both know this is a big surgery and has its risks, and we know anything could happen. And _if_ the worst happens…” Jensen makes a pause as Jared’s eyes fill with tears and he has to fight them back as he watches Jensen’s face. He wills himself not to say anything and let Jensen continue. “If it happens Jay, I just want you to know what you already do. But I need to say it because I don’t want to go without being completely sure you know. I am thankful every day for being stood up at that bar all those years ago. For meeting you there. When I believed you were dead, I wanted to go join you, because I knew, even if we had known each other for such a short time, I knew you were the one. And I knew I would miss you forever. Finding you again was the biggest present I could have ever gotten in my life, a present I never took for granted, not even for a day. You saved me, Jay. In every possible way, you saved me, you showed me what true love is, you showed me where to find happiness. I want you to always know how much I love you, from the bottom of my heart, that you are my life. How I love to wake up in the morning and see you by my side. If anything happens Jay, please always remember I loved you with every part of my being, with everything I had. Always remember you are perfect just as you are Jay, and I love every inch of you exactly the way you are. You are my person and I consider myself the luckiest son of a bitch in the world for having been chosen by you. Thank you for making me the happiest person of all.”

There are tears streaming down Jared’s face as he hears Jensen’s words, and he buries his face in their joined hands, while Jensen caresses his hair with his other hand. When he lifts his face to look at Jensen again, he stares into those beautiful shining green eyes, his favorite color in the world, and he opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He tries again. “Jen…”

Jensen moves his hand to frame Jared’s face, caressing his cheek with his thumb. “I know, Jay. I know it all.”

They stare at each other in silence, a rush of emotion passing between them, and then Jensen goes on. “One more thing, baby… I just want you to promise me that if anything does happen, that you will be happy again someday.”

At that, Jared frowns again, looking at Jensen as if he’s crazy. “I can’t promise you that, Jensen.”

Jensen mirrors Jared’s expression. “Why not?”

Jared shakes his head. “How can I possibly promise you that? If it was me in your place, asking you to promise me to be happy after I was gone, would you be able to do that? Honestly?”

After a few heartbeats, Jensen shakes his head and Jared goes on, softly. “I can’t promise you that, Jensen, you know that. You are my happiness, everything I am today is because of you. There’s no way I can promise you I would be happy without you because I just _can’t_. So don’t ever ask me that, ok?”

A few more moments pass in silence as they look at each other, tears running down both their faces, and Jensen finally gives Jared a small nod. “Do I have the right to make a final request?”

Jared swallows hard. “As long as it isn’t asking me to find someone else, go ahead.”

Jensen shakes his head. “Pick a good song, please?”

Jared smiles at that, letting out a deep breath. He tries to get even closer to the bed and supports his elbows on it, trying to reach Jensen as much as he can while sitting in his chair and Jensen scoots closer to Jared to make it easier for him, bringing his face to the edge of the mattress. Jared runs a gentle hand on Jensen’s almost bald head and touches their foreheads as he sings in a low and intimate voice.

 _I see the questions in your eyes_  
_I know what's weighing on your mind_  
_You can be sure I know my part_  
  
_'Cause I stand beside you through the years_  
_You'll only cry those happy tears_  
_And though I make mistakes_  
_I'll never break your heart_

Jensen squeezes his hand tighter as he listens to the song Jared is singing, and his eyes well up all over again.

 _And I swear_  
_By the moon and the stars in the skies_  
_I'll be there_  
_I swear_  
_Like the shadow that's by your side_  
_I'll be there_  
  
_For better or worse_  
_'Til death do us part_  
_I'll love you with every beat of my heart_  
_And I swear_

Jared takes a few deep breaths before he can continue, the force of those words making him deeply emotional combined with Jensen’s closeness and warmth.

  _I'll give you every thing I can_  
_I'll build your dreams with these two hands_  
_We'll hang some memories on the walls_  
  
_And when just the two of us are there_  
_You won't have to ask if I still care_  
_'Cause as the time turns the page_  
_My love won't age at all_

Jared’s emotions get the better of him and he manages to sing the last words in only a whisper, closing his eyes shut and pressing his forehead against Jensen’s.

 _For better or worse_  
_'Til death do us part_  
_I'll love you with every single beat of my heart_  
_I swear_

They stay like this, holding onto each other and feeling each other as much as they can without saying a word until there’s a knock on the door. Without breaking the contact, both look to see who is it, and a woman enters the room.

“Sorry to interrupt. I’m Samantha and I’m the anesthesiologist. We’re ready for you so I’m here to get you started before we put you in a nice sleep for the operation, Jensen.”

Jared wheels aside so she can administer the injection. “You’re going to start feeling relaxed and drowsy before drifting to sleep, Jensen. We’ll put you under once in the OR.”

Once she finishes, Jared returns to Jensen’s side for the last few moments with him before he’s taken to the operating room.

“It’s time,” Jared says, his mouth feeling completely dry. Jensen nods as his eyes become heavier and a few nurses, including Justin, enter the room to take him. Jensen brings Jared’s face to him, planting a lingering kiss on his lips, and it’s salty and wet from both their tears. Breaking apart just an inch, Jensen places his open palm over Jared’s left chest.

“Please, keep my heart beating okay?” He dopily whispers low enough just for Jared, who nods.

“I’ll be waiting right here. And don’t you dare not come back you hear me?”

“Promise.” Jensen murmurs and nods back and Jared can see he’s getting sleepy, so he doesn’t say anything else as the nurses approach them.

“We’re going to take him now, Jared,” Justin says with a sympathetic voice. “I promise you he will be in the best hands.”

Jared nods, without taking his eyes off Jensen who already has his eyes closed. The nurses wheel Jensen out of the room and Jared can only watch them take the love of his life away.

Jared reaches into his pocket and comes out with his rosary, holding it tight in his hands on his lap. He closes his eyes shut and bows his head.

_Please come back._

*

The waiting is the worst part. Jared stays in the waiting room with Jensen’s family and Chris. The doctor had told Jared the surgery could last several hours, and those are undoubtedly the longest hours of his life. He has stayed in the hospital several times over the past fourteen years and now he can understand how truly hard it is to wait. He has always been in the other side, and seriously, how come Jensen and Chad didn’t lose their minds?

Nobody talks much, their friends stop by to see how it’s going but Jared sends them home, there’s no reason why they should all be waiting here. He will let everyone know when there’s news.

A movie of memories passes in Jared’s mind as he waits. Every since the beginning, those first hard months after the 9/11 attack, how they were trying to heal and at the same time were falling in love with each other. It happened so naturally between them, it’s incredible how much they were made for each other. Like Jensen said, their lives aren’t easy but oh man are they happy. There was a dark time when Jared would dread waking up in the morning, because he would remember how fucked up his life had become. But now, every time he wakes up the first thing he sees is Jensen’s face, and god how he loves waking up. It’s the best way to start his days.

Flashes of a lifetime together fill Jared’s mind and with every minute that passes, Jared wonders if Jensen’s heart is still beating somewhere inside those doors. Jared has learned to be strong throughout his life, he has been through a lot of hard blows: the loss of his mother, the WTC attack, his disability. Jared overcame them all, but he doesn’t know if he could be strong enough to deal with losing Jensen. That would be the one thing to kill Jared he’s sure, if not literally then on the inside most definitely.

Eventually, Justin appears in the waiting room and when he spots Jared he makes his way to him, and Jared wheels in his direction to meet him halfway.

“Hey Jared.” Justin greets him but his expression doesn’t give anything away.

“Is the surgery over Justin?” Jared wastes no time with amenities, he only has one thing on his mind right now, but Justin shakes his head.

“No, not yet. We believe there’s still a few hours to go. I came to see if any of you need anything, and offer you the option to stay in Jensen’s room for now if you need to change positions a bit. I know you’ve been here for a long time and may be feeling uncomfortable.”

Jared would be able to appreciate Justin’s concern more if he weren’t so worried about Jensen, so he just shakes his head, declining. “Thanks for the offer, but I’ll stay here. I guess I’ll use one of the armchairs to get a change of position, it’s fine. If I’m alone in that room I think I’d lose my mind way faster.”

Justin opens his mouth to reply but before he can say anything someone else interrupts them. “What are you doing here, Hartley?”

Jared spins his chair around and sees Chad walking up to them, remembering that his friend had said he would stop by after work. He’s still wearing his uniform - he’s a battalion chief at the FDNY these days - and searches Justin up and down before looking at Jared with a raised brow.

“Justin is a nurse now.” Jared carefully explains to his friend. He knows how Chad used to feel about Justin back in the day after what Justin did to Jared. And Jared knows very well how protective Chad can get sometimes. “He is on the team in charge of Jensen’s care and he came to see how I was doing, that’s all.”

Chad looks back at Justin and Jared just knows his friend wants to say some not so friendly things to him, but he seems to realize there’s something bigger going on right now and it would be nice not to add more to Jared’s stress. So he swallows hard and purses his lips.

“How nice of you. But I’m here to make sure Jared is doing okay during this. Come on Jared, I’ll take you to the cafeteria. You need to get something to eat and I’m sure you forgot to do that.” Jared opens his mouth to protest but Chad cuts him off. “I think I heard Hartley saying it’s still gonna take a few hours. Come on, you must be starving and haven’t even realized it.”

Chad is right, Jared hasn’t eaten in a long time and he has promised Jensen he would take better care of himself. So he nods, and after saying goodbye to Justin he wheels out of the waiting room followed by Chad. Once they arrive at the cafeteria Chad gets sandwiches for them and hands Jared his, demanding he eat it. Jared doesn’t feel like eating anything, his stomach is in knots, but he does it anyway, for Jensen.

“So, what’s up with Hartley? Is this 2001 all over again?”

Jared shakes his head and briefly tells Chad about the encounter with Justin and how he seems to have changed. “But honestly Chad, I don’t care about any of that right now. Jensen is being operated on as we speak and anything may be happening behind those doors. The single thing I care about right now is my husband. The rest can wait until I know for sure Jensen will be okay.”

Chad sighs and gives Jared a sympathetic look. “You’re right man, I’m sorry. Want to tell me how you’re feeling? And I mean how you’re _really_ feeling?”

Jared lets out a deep breath as he stares at his sandwich. “I’ve never been more terrified in my whole life Chad. What is going on with Jensen is the worst thing I’ve ever faced. And before you ask, yes I am sure. My first months in the wheelchair can’t even compare to this, I’d go through that a thousand times more if I didn’t have to watch the person I love most in this world facing this, if I didn’t have this constant fear of losing Jensen overpowering everything. I can’t sleep well, I can’t focus on anything, day and night I’m terrified of losing him. I don’t know what I’m gonna do if that happens, I…”

Jared stops talking as his throat closes and his already red-rimmed eyes well up again. Chad is the one person Jared can let his guard down with, he would never mock him. Chad places his hand on Jared’s forearm, giving it a squeeze.

“It’s gonna be okay, Jaybird. You guys have been through so much to get here, it’s not gonna end now. Jensen is a tough guy, he gonna get out of that OR just fine to annoy you some more. Don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks Chad,” Jared mumbles without looking up. They finish their sandwiches - Jared only manages to eat half of his but considers that a success - and they go back to the waiting room. Jared moves to sit in one of the more comfortable armchairs and uses the seat of his own chair to stretch his legs for a while. He needs to keep an eye on his body because that’s not something he can afford to worry about right now.

A couple of hours later Jared is back in his chair and starting to get seriously anxious, time doesn’t seem to be passing at all. Iit feels like centuries ever since the moment they wheeled Jensen away from him and all he wants is to see his husband, to know what’s happening with him, to know if he’s still…

Doctor Sheppard suddenly enters the waiting room, an unreadable expression on his face, and Jared wheels up to him as fast as he can as the doctor announces, “The surgery is over.”

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all please don't hate me!!!! I know I left a major cliffhanger and I know it's gonna be hard to wait to know what's happened to Jensen, but also I haven't left a cliffhanger like that in a while so I thought it was time lol. No really, when I wrote this chapter I was extremely upset (remember how I said a few chapters ago how some things weren't going well for me? That's when I was writing this), writing this story actually helped taking my mind off things but at the same time I wanted to hurt even more than usual because I was hurting too so I apologize. I'm not that upset anymore but I decided not to touch the chapters and leave as it is. What did you guys think? What do you think that happened at the surgery?
> 
> When I wrote this chapter I mentioned on Twitter having written two very emotional scenes that really got to me, Jared's dream and later when Jensen talks to Jared before the surgery (that was one of the scenes that I wrote as a therapy to help ease my mind). I really like both scenes. And also, my mistery guest who I mentioned that I was bringing back to the story was Justin, what did you guys think of him now? Do you think he's being sincere when he says he wants to help them? I hope you guys like his return, and there will be more of him soon. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, please let me know your thoughts, you guys know how much they mean to me!! See you soon to tell how the surgery went and how Jensen is doing! <3
> 
> PS: the song I used on this chapter, _I Swear_ , was actually the first song I chose for this story, I thought it was the perfect theme song for it. I just wasn't sure where to include it in the story, but I think I chose a good spot!


	14. Chapter 14

__

_**Jared** _

“How is Jensen?” Jared asks right as the words leave Doctor Sheppard’s mouth. Before the doctor answers he sits down in the armchair closest to him so he can be eye level with Jared, and everyone else gathers around them so they can listen too. Jared’s heart is beating so fast that it feels like it’s about to jump out of his chest. The doctor leans forward and rests his elbows on his thighs.

“Jensen is okay, Jared,” the doctor makes eye contact with him before glancing to look at the host of family and friends surrounding them. “The surgery overall went very well.”

When Jared hears those words everything else fades to the background, the only thing on his mind right now is that _Jensen is okay_. He lets out the breath he had been holding ever since Jensen was wheeled away earlier and leans forward, hiding his face in his hands and letting out a strangled sound.

_Thank you. Thank you._

The doctor patiently waits until Jared and the others have recomposed themselves so he can continue. Jared rubs his wet eyes and refocuses to hear the rest of the information.

“The surgery happened mostly as we expected. There was a minor complication when Jensen started losing too much blood and a transfusion was needed, but other than that everything went okay. We were able to remove the portion of his right lung that contained the tumor and he’s now in the post-op recovery room. He’s being closely monitored and we are waiting for him to come out from the anesthesia so he can be taken back to his room.”

“When can I see him?” That’s the only thing Jared needs right now, he needs to see Jensen with his own eyes, make sure he’s really still here and _okay_.

“Once he’s settled in his room you can see him. Waiting for that can still take a while so if you guys want to go home and take a shower, get some rest, now is the time. The important thing right now is that everything went well.”

Jared and everyone else thank the doctor and he excuses himself. Jared still feels dizzy, trying to process the fact that the surgery is over and Jensen is still alive. Suddenly he’s being wrapped in strong arms as Chad pulls him into a tight hug, kneeling down next to him. Jared holds Chad tight and buries his face on his shoulder, allowing all his tears to finally fall free.

“I told you Jensen was a tough son of a bitch, Jaybird.” Chad whispers gruffly in his ear and Jared just nods. Thank God for that.

Everyone shares hugs all around, the group mood greatly improved with the news. Jared tells everyone to go home, it’s already late afternoon and they’ve been here since morning. They’re all pretty exhausted, especially Jensen’s parents, who aren’t exactly spring chickens anymore.

“I’ll stay here and wait until Jensen’s back in his room, and I’ll spend the night with him. You guys should go get some rest. I will keep everyone posted.”

They all agree to go home for now, and Chad tells Jared he will keep him company until he’s allowed to see Jensen. Jared wants to protest but he knows it’s pointless. Once Jensen’s family and Chris leave, Chad runs to the cafeteria to get some snacks for them. They wait mostly in silence, as Jared is just too anxious to see his husband to make small talk or focus on anything else.

Jared eventually transfers himself to an armchair for better comfort and falls asleep, too drained from the events of the day. He wakes up with a gentle hand shaking his shoulder.

“Jared?” He blinks awake and finds Justin crouched down next to the armchair. Jared uses his arms to pull himself up straight and clears his throat.

“Hey, what’s happening? Can I see Jen?” Jared can see Chad stirring from the corner of his eye.

Justin nods. “Yes, that’s why I came to get you. He’s already back in his room and you can go see him now.”

Jared nods back, suddenly extremely excited with the prospect of seeing his husband. He quickly transfers back to his chair and Chad approaches him, squeezing his shoulder.

“Ok, that’s my cue to leave then, Jaybird. Lemme know how things are and also if you need anything, 24/7.”

“I will. Thanks for staying, Chad.”

Chad mock salutes him. “Anytime. Take care, Jay. Hartley.”

At that, Chad leaves and Jared looks up at Justin. “Shall we go?”

Justin nods. “This way.”

Jared follows Justin back to Jensen’s room and it feels so good to be back here, it means Jensen is a survivor and where he’s supposed to be. Justin opens the door and allows Jared to wheel inside. He slowly approaches the bed and when he sees Jensen, his eyes water again. Jensen’s eyes are closed, his chest is bare, he’s very pale and there are too many wires hooked up to him for Jared’s liking.

Justin approaches the bed quietly and turns to Jared. “I know it looks scary but this is actually very normal, Jared. There are two tubes in his chest that have a few purposes: to help his operated lung to re-expand, to allow air to escape, and to drain the excess fluid related to the operation. They may cause some irritating pain to Jensen but soon they will be gone after we make sure everything is okay in there. The oxygen mask on his face is to allow him to breathe easier. Once he’s awake and we can ensure he is breathing properly on his own it will be gone too. Jensen woke up in the recovery room and since he was brought here, he has been washed clean and given some pain medication. He fell asleep shortly after that, his body is still very weak and will need time to recover. So don’t worry, he’s just sleeping now. We will be monitoring him closely to make sure everything is going as it’s supposed to. He’s a tough guy.”

Jared bobs his head in acknowledgement, not taking his eyes off his husband, the rise and fall of his chest. Justin goes on, “You can stay with him as long as you want. If you want to spend the night, which I assume you will, there’s a sofa bed in here, but if you think it will be too uncomfortable I can see if I can get you in an empty room so you can…”

Jared holds up a hand, cutting Justin off. “It’s okay, I’ll make do with the sofa bed, don’t worry about it.”

Justin nods. “Okay then. Well, I’ll leave you two alone, we’ll be checking in on him regularly as I said to make sure everything is going well. By the way, you can lower his bed a bit if you want to reach him better. The controls are on the side table.”

He walks to the door but before he can leave, Jared softly calls out to him. “Justin?” Justin turns around, looking at him expectantly. “Thank you.”

Justin gives Jared a small smile and a small wave before exiting the room.

Jared turns to Jensen and wheels closer to the bed. He does as Justin suggested and uses the controls to slowly lower Jensen’s bed since it was too high for him to reach his husband properly. When he’s satisfied he turns his chair sideways so he can get even closer to Jensen and takes a moment to study him properly. The tubes coming out of his chest look scary but now that he knows what they are for, it’s okay. Jensen has his eyes closed and Jared can’t see much of his face; most of it is covered by the oxygen mask and there’s a large pressure cuff strapped around his bicep. His chest rises and falls slowly, and Jared spends some time hypnotized by it.

Jared takes off Jensen’s wedding band from his own finger and gently places it back on Jensen’s. Then he reaches into his pocket and comes out with the rosary, taking Jensen’s hand and wrapping the rosary around it. Jared brings Jensen’s hand to his lips and places a lingering kiss against the ring, feeling Jensen’s warmth and thanking the heavens for his husband still being here. Jensen’s not in the clear yet, the cancer is not completely beaten, but now they are several steps closer. Jared feels real hope blossoming in his chest for the first time, the surgery was the riskiest and biggest part of the fight and that’s over now. Jensen made it through and that’s what matters.

Eventually Jared falls asleep holding Jensen’s hand, his head burrowed against both of their arms on the bed. He wakes up when he feels a small movement and his head shoots up, trying to figure out what’s happening. It takes a moment to realize Jensen’s fingers are very weakly squeezing his. Jared looks at Jensen’s face, waiting for him to open his eyes. He reaches out and gently caresses his head.

“Jen?” At the sound of Jared’s voice, Jensen’s head moves towards him a little and a light frown forms on his face. “Jen, are you with me baby? It’s Jay, I’m here. Can you open your eyes?”

Very slowly Jensen does as Jared asked, his eyes flutter open slowly, sleepily, and Jared sees the verdant green he loves so much. Damn if that isn’t the most amazing color he thinks he has ever seen.

“Welcome back, baby,” Jared says with a smile and tears slide down his face as Jensen’s gaze gathers strength and focuses on him.

Jensen lifts his other arm and tries to pull the oxygen mask away but he’s still too uncoordinated. Jared lets go of Jensen’s hand to help him and he holds the mask a few inches away from Jensen’s face, who licks his lips.

“How…” Jensen starts but his voice fails, so he clears his throat and tries again. “How did it go?”

“A success, Jen. They were able to remove the tumor and everything is going just as planned. You need lots of rest to heal but you’re gonna be just fine.”

A tired smile spreads across Jensen’s face at Jared’s words. “See? I promised you I was coming back.”

Jared nods and more tears fall down his face. His husband’s voice is his favorite sound in the world, even when hoarse and scratchy sounding. “Thank God for that.”

Jared places the oxygen mask back on his face and takes Jensen’s hand again, pointing out the rosary which is wrapped firmly around it. “It’s always making sure you return to me, Jen. Plus your wedding band is back on your finger, I promised I’d return it to you once it was over.”

Jensen’s eyes begin to water and Jared can see he’s smiling behind the mask. At that moment, Justin enters the room. “Sorry to interrupt guys. Jensen it’s nice to see you’re awake. I’m going to take this big mask off now, okay?” Jensen nods and Justin removes the mask, replacing it with a nasal cannula. “We are going to keep the cannula on until we are sure your breathing is 100%, alright?” Jensen nods again.

“Good. And how are you feeling in general?”

“My chest hurts a bit.”

“I’ll give you more of the good stuff so you can get some restful sleep. The doctor will be by to explain everything better to you later. Jared likely already told you but the surgery went just as predicted and you’re recovering as expected. Those tubes in your chest are there to drain fluid and excessive air in your lungs, they will be gone soon.” Justin checks a few things and makes some notes on Jensen’s chart, then administers the prescribed pain medication. “For now, try and get some sleep, let your body recover. My shift is over however other nurses will be by to check on you throughout the night. If you guys need anything just press the button. I’ll be back tomorrow evening.”

Both of them thank Justin and they are left alone again.

“Are the meds helping Jen?”

Jensen nods. “Yeah, it’s hurting a lot less now.”

Jared can see Jensen is getting sleepy again, so he scoots to the edge of his chair and stretches his upper body so he can plant a kiss on Jensen’s forehead, who gives him a dopey smile in return. “Sleep, baby. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Jay you should go home and get some rest, too,” Jensen says in a mildly slurred voice. “You’ve been here all day long, you must be exhausted.”

“Not going anywhere, Jen. That sofa bed has my name written on it. Don’t worry about me, please. I’ll be just fine as long as you’re fine too.”

Jensen doesn’t answer as his mind is already drifting into dreamland, but Jared can see him squeezing the rosary before slumber completely pulls him under.

*

Jensen spends the night sleeping deeply while Jared tries to make himself comfortable on the sofa bed which is really too small for him, but he makes do. The nurses come to check on Jensen regularly so Jared doesn’t get too much actual rest. That’s ok though because what matters is that Jensen is doing well at every check in, he doesn’t even stir as they take his vitals and replace his IV bags. In the morning Doctor Sheppard comes to see him and explain more in depth about the surgery; how they were able to remove the lobe in his lung that contained the cancer, how Jensen needed a transfusion because he started losing too much blood, that he’s staying in the hospital for a few extra days to recover a bit more due to that and that the tubes in his chest will come out after they do some X-rays to see if everything is functioning as it should be. He also reminds them that they had to use a spreader on his ribs to get to his lung, so he will be feeling a bit sore there as well for several days. He tells Jensen again that he will need a couple more rounds of chemotherapy to make sure they kill any cancer cells that may have been left behind. The doctor reassures Jensen again that everything is going as expected and he’s positive that Jensen will be okay.

Jensen can’t stop his long-held tears from falling once the doctor leaves the room.

Most of the day is then spent with visitors coming to see Jensen. His family spends a good amount of time with him and friends stop by throughout. Jared takes a much needed shower while Jensen’s parents are with him - the good thing about being in a hospital is having a fully accessible bathroom handy - and goes to have a decent meal when Jensen threatens to lock Jared outside of his room until he has something substantial in his stomach.

Jensen admits to being in more severe pain due to the tubes in his chest when asked what his pain ratio is, but the nurse reminds him that it’s normal as she administers meds to take the edge off that won’t knock him out completely. They perform an X-ray and given the results decide to leave the tubes in for a little longer to be sure everything is clear. Eventually a physical therapist drops by to help work on Jensen’s recovery. She helps him to sit more upright, scoot to the edge of his bed and to stand, as well as start some slow walking on the spot, always careful with the tubes and IV. She explains that it’s very important for him to walk around as it helps him take deeper breaths that will expand the base of his lungs. Once the tubes are removed he will be able to start walking down the hall more regularly. She lets them know that will also lead to strong coughs, which help remove secretions from the lung and prevent infections. Jared intends to make sure Jensen does a lot of walking here and at home, like they had been doing before the surgery. Jensen is pretty worn out after the exercise, and that helps him to sleep for a while afterwards, aiding in letting his body heal.

Donna stays with them until the evening, and after Jensen has a light dinner they talk for a little while. Eventually Jared sees his husband fighting sleep, so he kisses him and tells him good night, watching Jensen close his eyes and slip into soft snores. Donna tells Jared he should go to the cafeteria to get something to eat himself; she’s gonna stay with Jensen for a while until he returns - and tells him not to hurry.

Jared wheels out of the room, and when he gets to the hallway he spots Justin walking in his direction.

“Hey Jared. Do you need something?”

Jared shakes his head. “No. Jensen just fell asleep, his mom is with him so I’m heading to the cafeteria for something to eat while she’s here.”

Justin nods. “Yeah, I was going there too, I’m on my break now.”

Jared nods back, unsure of what to say, if he should suggest they go together or what, but Justin spares him from having to come up with something.

“Do you think…” Justin suddenly looks very nervous, he scratches the back of his head and bites his lip before continuing. “Do you think I can keep you company? Actually I wanted to see if we could have a talk. Ever since I saw you here yesterday I’ve been thinking and there are a lot of things I need to tell you. I know I probably don’t deserve it, but I’m asking you to hear me out, please.”

Jared considers Justin. He knows that probably won’t be an easy conversation, but Justin has proved he’s changed, and he has been very helpful regarding Jensen’s care and maybe deserves this chance. So Jared agrees.

“Yeah, okay. But let’s sit down for this, I don’t want to have to look up at you as we talk.”

“Sure.” Justin offers him a shy smile and they make their way to the cafeteria, side by side. They don’t talk but it’s not completely uncomfortable, the time getting there just filled with anticipation. Jared hopes Justin doesn’t ask him to leave Jensen and go back to him, this is definitely not the time or place, not that Jared would even consider it for a second.

They wait for the elevator and Justin holds the door so Jared can wheel inside first and Jared appreciates the small gesture. Once they arrive at the cafeteria, Jared gets a large sandwich and Justin grabs himself some coffee. They sit across from each other at the table and Jared raises an eyebrow at Justin. _Go ahead_.

Justin clears his throat and stares intently at his cup of coffee before finally looking up at Jared. “Jared… actually I’ve wanted to talk to you for a long time now, but I never knew how. When I saw you here yesterday I knew I could finally have my opportunity. I don’t even know where to start. But I think the main thing that I need to do here is to apologize to you for what I did.”

Jared raises his eyebrows and looks at Justin with wide eyes, but he doesn’t say anything, allowing Justin to keep going.

“I wasn’t fair to you, Jared. I took you completely for granted and I know that now. Back then, all I cared about was having the hottest guy I could put my hands on. It didn’t matter if someone got hurt along the way. I eventually learned the hard way how very unfair I had been, how much of an asshole I was. To you, to others. I have been on the other side of that now - I actually fell in love for real for the first time in my life and I thought he was the one for me. Then he dumped me for someone else, even though we were already living together. He just announced one day that he didn’t love me anymore and left. Sound familiar?”

Justin looks at Jared with pained eyes and Jared bobs his head in silence. He can still remember the day Justin did the same thing to him, how much that had gutted him. Jared had been completely sure Justin was the one for him, that he truly loved him - that was before he met Jensen and knew what real love actually was - and he was devastated when Justin left him. Apparently he had gotten a hefty dose of his own medicine.

“That really taught me a lesson, Jared. I suffered from heartbreak so much for the first time ever, and I was able to see and feel the pain I must have caused in my past. It took me a long time to get over him, and I was able to become more mature due to that. I finally understood how much I had hurt you. You were really in love with me and I didn’t realize at the time what I had in my hands. I left you for some guy I barely remember the name of now, and after him came another and another. But what I am never gonna forgive myself for, is for turning my back on you when you needed someone the most. When I found out you were injured at the WTC and ended up paralyzed, I went to see you out of a sense of obligation more than anything else. And I’m not the least bit proud to admit that what you threw in my face that day was true. I was damn relieved that we weren’t together anymore so I didn’t have to deal with a disabled boyfriend.”

It still hurts hearing Justin say that, even after all these years. “I would have become a burden to you,” Jared mumbles, not averting his eyes from Justin, who slowly nods in shame.

“Yes. That’s how I felt at the time. But please Jared, I regret it so much now, I don’t feel that way anymore. If I could go back in time, I would have done differently. I would have stood by your side through what I assume must have been the most difficult period of your life. I turned my back on you, I left when you asked me to leave and I should have stayed even if we weren’t together anymore. I still remember your shadowed eyes, how devastated you were and I left without looking back. I left feeling damn relieved I had already broken up with you. For all of that, I am sorry.”

Jared lowers his gaze, focusing on his yet uneaten sandwich as he absorbs Justin’s words. He doesn’t have feelings for Justin any longer, they all vanished the second he realized he’d fallen in love with Jensen, but it’s very important for him to hear that.

“Thank you for saying that, Justin. You really did hurt me when you left me out of the blue, and again when you came to see me that day at the hospital. You represented everything I would never be again, and at that moment I knew that nobody would ever want me like…” Jared makes a motion to his immobile legs. “Like this. But I also have to thank you. If you hadn’t dumped me, I never would have met Jensen. When I saw you with your new guy, I was crushed and went to a bar to drink my sorrows away and that’s where I met him, one day before the WTC attacks. And we clicked instantly. Jensen met me when I was still…” Jared almost uses the world _whole_ but changes it. “When I could still walk. Then a lot of things happened, things we don’t need to talk about now, but Jensen is also a 9/11 survivor. We were both so broken, in different ways, and we healed together. He showed me that I could still be loved like this. He made me see that there is nothing wrong with the way I am now, I am just a little different than before, that’s all. He met the before and after versions of me and he still wanted me as a paraplegic. Because he wanted _me_ , the person I am beyond the wheelchair. Jensen gave me my life back, really. So, as I said, I have you to thank for leading me to him.”

Justin looks down at his coffee for a few moments before finally nodding. “I’m happy to hear that. Really I am. That you have someone that loves you so much and would do anything for you. I can see the way he looks at you, and also how you look at him. I’m glad you guys have each other.” Justin takes a sip before continuing, looking straight into Jared’s eyes as he does so. “Jared, I want you to know that I regret leaving you. You have no idea how much. You were the greatest guy I have ever been with, and as I said, I took you for granted, I never realized it until it was too late. I admire you so much. I’ve followed from afar the even more amazing guy you have become, how much you achieved and every day I regret that I foolishly decided you were not enough for me. I don’t want you to think I’m asking you to leave Jensen for me, I would never do that, I don’t _want_ that. You guys are perfect together and I’m truly glad you have each other. What I need you to understand is… that if I could go back in time and do things differently, you are the one person I would want to have by my side. You are the perfect guy Jared, and I hope Jensen knows how damn lucky he is for having you. Anyone would kill to be in his place.”

At those words Jared stays silent for a while, letting it wash over him. The words - and the sincerity that came with them - hit so deep, and Jared realizes how much he needed to hear what Justin just said. He takes some time to organize his thoughts, deciding what to share with Justin, who waits patiently. Eventually Jared sighs, finally looking up again and pursing his lips trying to get his emotions under control.

“You know… remember that firefighter party the year after the 9/11 attacks where you hit on Jensen at the bar while waiting for drinks?” Justin thinks for a few seconds and nods. “You didn’t see me, but I was there. I went to look for Jensen and saw you guys together. And that hurt me so deeply, Justin. At the time I didn’t have any self confidence, I felt very ashamed of my body. I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that someone like Jensen wanted to be with someone like me, I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then I saw you talking to him, and watching the two of you together was like a punch to the gut. Both of you were so perfect, standing there with amazing, beautiful, fully functional bodies. You looked like models and I looked down at myself, at my broken body in a wheelchair. I felt like I was so much less than both of you, I didn’t see the point of even trying, you know? When Jensen could do so much better than me. I broke up with Jensen the next day.”

Justin opens his mouth to say something but Jared holds up a hand and Justin waits. “I won’t bore you with the details, but it didn’t take long for us to get back together, only a couple of days. Jensen was able to make me see he loves me for who I am, that it doesn’t matter that I can’t walk. That’s just a detail for him. He has demonstrated that to me countless times over the years and now I believe him entirely. But… I guess that feeling never left me completely, that feeling of inadequacy. I know that Jensen would never leave me, I know for sure how much he loves me. But very deep down, buried in a place I have trouble admitting even to myself, maybe I still believe Jensen could have done better. That image of both of you together remained etched deep inside, especially when things get rough. It’s not easy dealing with a spinal cord injury and it’s also hard on those close to you, I know that. Jensen has to deal with a lot of my ongoing problems and he never complained, not even once. I know I’m high maintenance and sometimes I just wonder, you know. I’m not proud of it, I don’t share that with Jensen, but it’s there, buried deep. However, hearing you say what you just did… how you wish you had chosen me, how I am the one person you wish you could have by your side and especially how you see me as the perfect guy… for someone who for a long time believed he wasn’t worth being loved ever again, you have no idea how important that is to me. Many of my fears were rooted in how you treated me, and this has really helped. Hearing this coming from you is the final piece I needed to really let those fears rest and realize I am worthy. So thank you, really.”

Justin nods slowly, looking deeply at Jared. “You are no less than anyone else Jared, I can see that now. I was so immature back then, but now I see things differently. I am so sorry that something stupid I did affected you so deeply, I wish I could go back and change it but I can’t, unfortunately. I’ll repeat what I said: you are an amazing guy, anyone would be lucky to have you. Like you said, your disability is just a small detail, it’s not the whole of who you are. And I honestly wish you and Jensen all the best. I hope he gets rid of that cancer once and for all so you guys can carry on with your happy ending, you both deserve it. I’m gonna do everything I can to make sure Jensen is completely recovered from the surgery so he can go home soon.”

“Thank you, Justin.” Jared offers him a small but very sincere smile.

Justin smiles back and looks down at his empty coffee mug, suddenly looking shy. “Do you think maybe… it’s okay if you don’t, I understand. But do you think maybe we could stay in touch? Not asking for us to be friends, I know that’s a lot to ask. But I don’t know, maybe we could talk once in a while? I’d really like to know how Jensen’s treatment is going and how you’re doing. I’m sorry if you think it’s weird or something - I guess it might be awkward, but I’d love a chance to show you the new me - the real me.” Justin shrugs as Jared finishes his sandwich.

Jared never thought he would be friends with Justin again, hell, he never thought he would actually _see_ him again. They have a rocky past, but so many years have passed and they are older and more mature now. So much has happened to both of them over time, and Justin seems sincerely sorry for what he put Jared through in the past. And if Jared is being honest, he _would_ like to keep in touch with Justin. Those memories really can’t hurt him anymore and from the little time he’s spent talking with him, Jared likes the man Justin has become. Plus, he’s doing everything he can to help Jensen in a professional manner, and that alone earns a lot of points in Jared’s book. So he agrees.

“Yeah, I guess I would be ok with that. Leaving the past behind and looking to the future.”

Justin looks up and smiles warmly, offering a hand to Jared, who shakes it. Being able to forgive feels great, and Jared’s heart feels so much lighter.

Most of all, he feels more confident, not only about himself but in his abilities to help Jensen. Hearing what Justin had to say was the final piece of an intricate, large puzzle, allowing for true closure that Jared never realized he needed. It suddenly feels like Jared could do anything. And that’s an amazing feeling.

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so guyssss I know a lot of you thought I was gonna give Jensen complications becaus you have this idea that I'm rude or something lol but guess what??? he's okay! surprise! But my favorite part of this chapter is Jared and Justin's heart to heart, it was a long time coming and I truly believe it was something Jared needed deep down, and I wanted to give it to him. I also think *I* need to see that happening for him. What do you guys think about it?? And the rest of the chapter too of course, please let me know!
> 
> just a PS, I finally finished my big bang, I left this story aside for a while because I had a deadline to meet and I was afraid I was not gonna have enough time but as it turns out I finished it with time to spare! so, soon I'm gonna be posting a new fic, not as long as my last two ones but I'm really excited about it, I think it's a great story! Hope you guys like it too! And now I can go back to writing this one finally, it was not a piece of cake writing both of them simultaneously specially because my characters are so different in both of them. 
> 
> again thanks for reading it and if you can give me your opinions!


	15. Chapter 15

_**Jensen** _

They remove the tubes from his chest the next morning, giving Jensen some much needed relief. He is feeling increasingly stronger ever since he woke up from the surgery and is making wonderful progress. Doctor Sheppard told Jensen that he will be able to go home in a few days and Jensen can’t wait. He’s so relieved that the surgery went as expected, a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Ever since this whole thing started, the part he was dreading the most was the actual surgery. Now that it is behind him, he feels like he’s rounded the corner on the way to the finish line of a marathon. Of course he still needs to face a couple more rounds of chemo and that is gonna suck, but he feels more confident that he can truly beat this thing. The tumor itself is gone and all that remains is conquering any small remaining threats.

Jared had told Jensen about the conversation he’d had with Justin, waiting until after Jensen had the tubes removed and was feeling more like a human being after getting cleaned up a bit. At first when Justin had suddenly showed up as Jensen’s nurse, he was jealous. Justin and Jared had history, hell he met Jared _because_ Jared was hurting from being dumped by Justin. Jensen always knew Justin was responsible for a lot of Jared’s insecurities so he always secretly hated the guy. So naturally, when he appeared, it was hard for Jensen not to ask for another nurse. However he sensed the guy was being honest, and if Jared was okay with it, then he was okay too, because he trusts Jared completely. It doesn’t mean it’s been easy to see Justin this close to Jared when Jensen himself is not feeling very self confident at the moment with the toll the cancer has taken on his body. But after Jared relayed what they talked about in the cafeteria, Jensen was able to relax more. He has to give it to the guy, it could not have been easy to say all those things and Jensen is actually glad Justin has matured so much. And from the way Jared spoke, it became crystal clear to Jensen how much Jared needed to hear what Justin had to say, especially. He could sense a very subtle positive change in Jared that Jensen was never sure he’d see. So he is grateful to Justin for his apology and coming clean with Jared about their past, even if Justin did have to go through some of his own growing pains to get there. Knowing his husband can now find peace from that relationship left Jensen reassured in knowing that he did the right thing himself in giving Justin a chance.

For the next few days, Jensen tries to recover as much as possible so he can be discharged soon. He works with the physical therapist, who teaches him exercises for his right arm to help relieve the tightness in his rib cage due to the operation. He also starts walking up and down the hall to help clear out the secretions in his lungs, and Jared often joins him, always making sure Jensen is following the exercise instructions to the last detail. He’s also doing breathing manoeuvres to help with recovery of his lung capacity. His friends and family still stop by to visit often as well, and his siblings leave after a few days. Even though Jensen is sad to watch them leave, he’s grateful they were here with him for this harrowing experience.

Doctor Sheppard comes to talk to Jensen when he’s alone for a change. Jared had gone home for a while to rest properly - at Jensen’s insistence - and his mom is at the cafeteria having dinner. He does a clinical evaluation on Jensen and tells him things are looking good for him to be released soon, which makes him very happy. Then, the doctor sits down on the edge of the bed and looks intently at Jensen.

“Jensen, there’s something we need to talk about. You’re going to go home soon and you’re going to need assistance while you’re recovering. In order to discharge you, I need to know that you’re going to have someone who can give you the proper care you will be needing. As you know, your journey is not quite finished yet. Some patients feel better going to a rehabilitation facility for a little while after being discharged so they can recover in the best way possible while going through the rest of the treatments. Do you feel like that’s something you would be interested in?”

Jensen frowns and shakes his head. Hell no. He’s not going fucking anywhere that isn’t his home with Jared. “Thanks Doc but no. I’m gonna go home with my husband, there’s no other place I want to be during my recovery.”

Doctor Sheppard purses his lips and from the way he looks at Jensen, he just knows he won’t like what will come out of the doctor’s mouth.

“Look Jensen… It’s not easy for me to say this, but I think you need someone more capable of doing the heavy work. If you’re going home, you need to have someone else with you to make sure you’re cared for properly.”

The doctor doesn’t say it explicitly but Jensen hears it very well. He’s telling Jensen he won’t discharge him under Jared’s care simply because he doesn’t believe someone in a wheelchair is completely capable of taking care of him. He can’t believe he’s hearing this. Jensen is at loss for words, and he needs to think about this before saying anything. Doctor Sheppard apparently feels it too, and he gets up.

“Well, I’m going to let you think about it and talk to your family. One of the nurses will talk to you about it further. We just want to ensure you’re receiving the best care possible, Jensen.”

With that, the doctor leaves the room and Jensen just stares at the closed door. His mind is going a mile a minute, but of one thing he’s certain: there’s nobody else who’s going to take care of Jensen that isn’t Jared. Jensen isn’t sure what he is going to do yet, but he knows this. He decides not to bring this up with anyone just yet, he needs to _think_.

By the time Jared returns, Jensen is feeling too tired emotionally to talk to him about this, so he pushes it to the morning.

When morning comes, a nurse comes to help Jensen in the shower, and after doing his breathing exercises, Jensen goes for a walk with Jared down the hall. Once they’re back in the room, Jensen sits back on the bed and decides it’s time to talk to Jared. He doesn’t want to hide anything from his husband, ever again. Using the remote he lowers the bed so he’s more eye-level with Jared and motions for his husband to come closer.

“Jay, there’s something I need to tell you.”

Jared raises his eyebrows and slowly wheels closer to Jensen. “What’s up, baby?”

Jensen takes a deep breath as he finds the courage to tell Jared the latest news. “The doctor came to see me while you were at our place yesterday evening. He said he will discharge me in a couple of days.” Before Jared opens his mouth undoubtedly to say it’s great news, Jensen holds up a hand. “He also said he needs to discharge me knowing I’m gonna have someone more capable of taking care of me during these first few weeks, who can do the heavy work too.”

Jensen doesn’t elaborate further, but the hurt look on Jared’s face tells Jensen his husband understands perfectly as he grabs his wheels in a firm grip and purses his lips. “Oh. Okay. Yeah, so… well. I guess we’re gonna need someone else with us then.”

Jensen shakes his head. “No, I don’t want anyone else with us, Jay. He also suggested I go to a rehabilitation facility for a while but I don’t want that either. God, I want just the two of us.”

Jared is looking at him with those kicked puppy eyes and it breaks Jensen’s heart. His husband had just yesterday been feeling better about himself and now this. “But Jen, if it’s better for you, then perhaps we should…”

Jensen is about to object again when the door opens and Justin peeks in. “Hey guys, sorry to interrupt. But there are some things I need to talk to you about, Jensen.”

Jensen nods and Justin walks in, sitting on the edge of the bed as Jared maneuvers his chair so he can look at Justin too.

Justin clears his throat. “Well. I’m sure Doctor Sheppard has discussed this with you, but we need to talk about your discharging. As he probably mentioned, we need to make sure you’re going to have someone to take care of you when you’re home, since you don’t want to go to a rehabilitation facility.”

Jensen shakes his head. “From what the doctor implied, he thinks I need someone else with me because apparently Jared alone can’t handle it.” Jensen looks at Jared who’s staring at his folded hands, probably feeling exactly what the doctor implied, that he isn’t capable of handling the post operative care. But Jensen just _knows_ Jared can do it. Like he did everything else. “But Justin, I know Jared is capable of doing it, and I don’t _want_ anyone else taking care of me.”

Justin studies Jensen for a while and then turns to Jared.

“Jared?” He looks up and stares at Justin. “What do you think? Do you think you can handle Jensen’s care once he’s discharged?”

Jared looks unsure, his gaze traveling from Justin to Jensen, who smiles at him in encouragement. Jared looks back at Justin, a soft frown on his face. “Well… I don’t know, I’ve been helping Jensen ever since the treatment began, I think I can handle it fine but if you guys think he is gonna need more now than before, then maybe…”

Jensen doesn’t let him finish. “I don’t need more now. I don’t feel worse than I did when I was going through the round of chemo sessions. There were days I was so weak I couldn’t even walk and Jared took care of me, he managed to carry me inside the house himself. He brought me his old wheelchair so I could get around easier, and we already have an adapted house for Jared, there’s even a stool in our shower stall so I can sit down while I take a shower. And in case we need some extra help, there are always people close to us we can call - our family and friends. We managed to create a routine already, and I trust Jared completely for this task. Some people may see him as less capable than you and I, but we know differently. Jared is damn strong and he can adapt to anything he needs to. Please Justin, I don’t want other people helping me.”

Justin spends a few moments studying both of them quietly, biting the inside of his cheek. He licks his bottom lip before speaking. ‘Well... I really need to make sure you will have someone in ‘good shape’, fully capable of handling your discharge care, Jensen.”

Jared’s face falls completely at Justin’s words, a look of betrayal fleeting in his eyes as Jensen opens his mouth to speak, but Justin goes on.

“However, I could write down here that you compromised to have a person who is qualified to take care of you, if you tell me that you will.”

Justin looks at Jensen with a pointed look, then his gaze travels briefly to Jared before returning, eyebrows raised. Jensen frowns, a little slow on the uptake, as he looks at Jared who is staring at Justin with a surprised smile on his face, and then it clicks. He looks back at Justin.

“Oh okay, so you mean…” Jensen trails off and Justin just nods, not saying anything out loud but Jensen gets it perfectly. He smiles mischievously.

“Alright then. I compromise to have someone who is fully capable of taking care of me while I recover. You can write that down.”

Jensen glances over to Jared, who is now smiling at him, and offers his hand to his husband. They entwine their fingers as Jensen squeezes lightly.

“Alright.” Justin nods, writing the information down and then addresses both of them. “But guys, if there’s anything you need extra help with, please don’t hesitate or be too proud to contact someone else. This is very important, we’re talking about Jensen’s health and recovery here. Jared, I’m going to show you how to change the dressing on Jensen’s wound and how to clean it properly, also how to protect it in the shower, so you can do it at home since he will have it for another couple of weeks. Also Jensen, you need to make sure you know all the exercises you need to do to help your lung recover. I’m going to give my number to you guys just in case you need anything once you leave, is that alright?”

Both Justin and Jensen look to Jared, who has kept mostly quiet during the whole exchange. He clears his throat. “Yeah, it’s alright, Justin. And yes, please show me everything I need to know, I promise I will do my best to help Jen. And we will get extra help if needed, I’ve been learning that it’s okay to ask for help sometimes. But I know I can handle it, as I said I’ve been doing it from the beginning. But we will take you up on that offer, if we need anything, we’ll be calling.”

Justin smiles and nods, getting up from the bed. “Great. I’m glad we had this conversation and I trust you guys that this won’t be leaving the room.” Both Jared and Jensen nod. “Okay. I’ll be back tomorrow morning before you’re discharged so I can show Jared a few things. I’m off now but if you need anything just call the other nurses.”

Before Justin walks away, Jensen speaks. “Thank you, Justin. Seriously. You’ve helped us tremendously.”

Justin nods, looking from Jared to Jensen. “It’s the least I could do after all I’ve done in the past. I’m glad I was able to help in some way. I’m positive I made the right choice.”

With that, Justin leaves closing the door behind him. Jared turns to Jensen, a smile on his face. “I guess he paid his debts, huh?”

Jensen nods, reaching out for Jared’s hand again and squeezing it. “I guess he did. Okay, I admit it. He’s not so bad, I’ll give him that.”

Jared turns serious, aiming those puppy dog eyes on Jensen. “Baby, are you sure you’re okay with this? I would understand if you want someone more capable of…”

Jensen pinches Jared’s mouth shut with his thumb and forefinger. “Stop with that. Please. You know I don’t need anyone else. Only if _you_ think I need extra help, if you think you need to share the load, then I will respect that. But I still believe, as always, that you can do it. What do you think baby?”

Jensen releases Jared’s mouth so he can answer, and his husband smiles softly and nods, a confident look back on his face. “I can do it.”

Jensen smiles right back. “I know you can.”

_**Jared** _

The next morning, Doctor Sheppard comes to evaluate Jensen one last time and officially discharge him so he can continue his recovery at home. The physiotherapist comes by to go over the exercises Jensen will be doing at home, reviewing his current ones and adding a few new ones. Justin shows Jared what he will need to do in order to change and protect the dressings and the care he must have with it and of course with Jensen himself. He helps Jensen change into the street clothes Jared had brought him, and after getting the release papers signed, Justin brings a wheelchair to take Jensen out to the parking lot. Jared had already taken their duffels to the car, and as Justin pushes Jensen, Jared follows alongside them.

When they get to the car, Jared opens the passenger door and allows Justin to help Jensen inside. After buckling up and making sure Jensen is okay, he closes the door and makes his way around the car, Jared following him. He takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and hands it to Jared.

“This is my number, like I said. Anything you guys need, please call me Jared. I mean it. I just want to help.”

Jared takes the paper, putting it inside his front pocket, and looks up at Justin. “Thank you Justin, I promise I will. Thanks for everything you did for us. I really appreciate it.”

Justin shrugs. “Like I said, it was the least I could do. Thank you for forgiving me. I meant what I said, it would be cool if we could keep in touch.”

Jared nods in agreement, Justin has definitely proved that he has changed and Jared realizes he does want to keep in touch with him as well. “I think so too. I’ll let you know how things are going and if we need anything.”

Justin waits until Jared is settled in the driver’s seat and his chair is safely stowed behind his seat. Once Jared closes the door, Justin leans down and says his final goodbyes to both of them. Jared double checks that Jensen is fine before he drives them home, holding Jensen’s hand the entire way.

When Jared parks in the driveway, Jensen’s parents come greet them. They had wanted to be at the hospital when Jensen was discharged, but Jared had suggested they waited at their house, to get everything ready for their arrival. Donna and Alan rush to Jensen’s door and open it, and Jensen gives them a tired smile. As Alan helps Jensen out of the car, Jared gets in his chair and joins them. Donna grabs their duffels, Alan puts an arm around Jensen’s waist to help him inside and Jensen reaches out his hand for Jared, who takes it and together they all make their way inside.

Jensen gets settled upright on the couch since, according to him, he’s been in a bed for too long. Donna cooks a tasty, nourishing lunch for them and Jensen admits he’s actually hungry after all that unpalatable hospital food. After eating, Jensen’s parents hang out with them for a while, and then leave to allow Jensen to rest.

When they’re finally alone, both sitting on the couch, Jared turns to Jensen. “What do you wanna do, baby?”

“Take a shower, please. I feel so gross.”

Jared chuckles, knowing too well how awful it is to spend days at the hospital without a proper shower. He has felt that way himself more than once. So he leaves Jensen on the couch and goes to the bathroom to get everything ready. When he returns Jensen uses Jared’s shoulders for extra support to walk to the bathroom, and Jared makes him sit on the toilet seat so he can cover his dressing with plastic like Justin showed him. Jensen undresses completely and moves to the stool that’s attached to the wall in the shower stall. Jared wheels as close to him as possible without actually entering the stall and turns the spray on. With both their efforts combined, they clean Jensen up. Jared gently washes his hair and rubs a washcloth softly over his torso minding the dressing on his chest. The shower doesn’t last very long since Jared doesn’t want to risk getting anything wet that shouldn’t. When he turns off the spray Jensen moves back to the toilet seat where Jared towels him dry, and he can see how very worn out Jensen is because he just lets Jared do it. He helps Jensen into his underwear and sweatpants, and then dries his own legs and chair since they got wet, too.

Jensen decides he wants to go back to the couch, so both he and Jared get settled in and spend the afternoon watching movies, Jensen with his head on Jared’s lap, dozing off and on with Jared caressing his short hair. As Jensen naps, Jared looks down at his husband’s serene expression, and he can’t help the tears that fall. He was so scared to come home alone after the surgery, of something going wrong, of losing Jensen. But his husband is still here, he’s back home, warm under Jared’s touch. Jared leans down and plants a lingering kiss on Jensen’s temple.

_Please don’t ever leave me._

*

During the next few days, they fall into a sort of routine. They go for walks twice a day, in the morning and evening, for about half an hour each, to help with Jensen’s breathing and to rebuild his lung capacity. Chad brought Harley back a couple of days after Jensen returned from the hospital, so their buddy joins them too. Jared makes sure Jensen does all his breathing exercises as well as the ones the physiotherapist taught him. In addition he administers all the pills Jensen has to take, giving them to him at the right time with food or water as needed. Jared has indeed called Justin a couple of times when he was in doubt about something, and Justin has been very helpful and reassuring. Their friends and family help too, of course, someone is always stopping by to see how things are going and to offer a hand when it’s needed. Donna cooks for them more often than not which Jared really appreciates, this way he can focus even more on Jensen and Donna feels more at ease about spending so much time with them.

A couple of weeks later, Jared drives Jensen to the hospital to take a look at his wound. Doctor Sheppard welcomes them and examines Jensen to make sure everything is okay. He takes off the bandages and declares the wound healed, no need to dress it anymore. The doctor tells Jensen he should massage his scar often, to keep the scar tissue mobile and to help with his shoulder movement. They also meet up with Doctor Ruth, who is very pleased to see Jensen doing so well after the surgery. They decide to start the first cycle of the adjuvant chemotherapy in one week, which will ensure all remaining cancer cells are gone. They plan for a week out to allow for Jensen to completely recover from the surgery before they start with the drugs again.

Once they get home, Jared gets out a bottle of massage oil - they have some of those on hand because Jensen loves to give Jared massages, especially when he’s in pain - and returns to the living room.

“Can I do it?” Jared asks. He wants to be the one to take care of Jensen’s scar, just as Jensen took care of his own scar from his spinal surgery so many times in the past.

Jensen gives him a knowing smile and nods. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Jared orders Jensen to lay down on the couch and take off his shirt. Then he positions his chair alongside the couch and applies some oil on the skin around Jensen’s scar, which is still very red and tender looking. When Jared’s fingers first touch it, Jensen flinches. Jared immediately pulls his fingers away.

“Sorry, baby!”

Jensen shakes his head. “It’s okay, Jay. It’s just a bit uncomfortable to the touch, that’s all. I guess maybe you know the feeling.”

Jared nods, he does know. Touching the area on his waist where his sensation of touch ends and his paralysis begins can be very uncomfortable sometimes since it’s ultra-sensitive. Jensen has learned how to touch it over time to make it good for Jared, and now Jared is going to learn to make it good for Jensen too. Jared touches the scar again, as gently as he possibly can, and Jensen takes a deep breath but stays put. Jared massages the scar in a circular motion, moving it slowly over his ribcage. As Jensen becomes more comfortable, Jared presses it more firmly. When he’s done, Jensen plants a kiss on Jared’s mouth, thanking him.

Later, when they are both on the bed, Jensen spoons Jared from behind, pressing his chest to Jared’s back and whispers in his ear. “Now we both have battle scars baby. And when mine touches yours like this, it brings us even closer and makes us even stronger.”

Jared turns his face up and smiles as Jensen lays kisses along his forehead. Jared links their fingers and kisses the freckled knuckles of his husband, then places both of their hands over his heart. “Always us against the world. Until the end.”

*

On Thursday, Jared leaves Jensen in Chris’ company during the afternoon because there’s a few things he needs to buy. He had an idea a couple of days ago to lighten the mood and he hopes Jensen likes it. When he arrives home, he asks for Chris’ help to get some Halloween decorations out from the garage so they can put them up on the front yard and porch. At that, Jensen’s eyes widen.

“Oh man, is it Halloween already? I completely forgot!”

Jensen looks really bummed. Jared knows how much he enjoys Halloween, just as much as Jared himself does. Every year they dress up and Jensen often picks up their costumes - well, he usually dresses Jared up since his fashion sense is much better than Jared’s - and they always welcome the kids that come trick or treating. More often than not they also host a Halloween party, but of course with everything going on this year, Jensen’s mind was elsewhere. So Jared approaches his husband who is sitting on the couch and puts a hand on his knee.

“Don’t worry baby, you’ve had a lot going on recently. But it’s all taken care of, don’t you worry. For now, why don’t you come outside with us while Chris and I decorate our front yard?”

Jensen agrees and they go outside. Jensen watches with excitement, Harley lying at his feet, as both Jared and Chris make their house ready for Halloween. Later when they’re alone, Jensen tries to get Jared to tell him what he has planned but Jared is keeping it a secret.

On Saturday afternoon as Jensen naps, Jared gets the final touches ready. He picks up the candy bags he had purchased and pours the candies in bowls, leaving them out on the counter. When Jensen wakes up, Jared hands him a shopping bag. He orders him to put on what is inside of it and goes to the guest room so he can dress up himself. Jared picked up a Bugs Bunny jumpsuit, including a hoodie with the face and pointy ears. He doesn’t put shoes on so he can show the rabbit feet on the jumpsuit - it’s not like he’d get his feet dirty anyway - and puts a couple of carrots on his lap, wheeling back to the living room.

He finds Jensen already there of course, since Jared always takes longer to get dressed. His husband is standing in front of the couch wearing brown pants, jacket and boots, a black belt, a hunter’s hat and a toy shotgun in his hand - dressed as Elmer Fudd.

Jared wheels closer to him with a mischievous smile on his face. “What’s up, doc?”

At that, a huge smile spreads across Jensen’s face, and it reaches his eyes. “Oh my God, Jay! That’s awesome!”

Jared can’t help but smile just as widely. He really wanted to do something to cheer Jensen up a bit, to feel normal at least for a day. When he remembered Halloween was close, he knew what he had to do. He chose a costume for Jensen where the character was bald, he thought it would be a funny thing to do. It was actually Chad who suggested they went as Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny, and Jared thought it was perfect.

“I’m glad you like it, love. I knew you had forgotten with everything that’s going on, so I decided to do something this year to lift your spirits. There’s also candy, so when the kids come to our house we will be ready for them!”

Jensen walks towards Jared and sits down on his lap, straddling him. He plants a sweet kiss on his husband’s mouth. “Thank you for that. You’re perfect.”

Jared pulls back and smiles, reaching out for the toy shotgun on Jensen’s hand and stuffing the carrots he had been holding in the barrels. “ _Now_ it’s perfect!”

Jensen closes the distance between them and whispers in Jared’s ear with a sexy voice. “I never thought I’d say that, but I’d really like to go rabbit hunting later.”

Jared gives him a dirty smile. “Well, it _is_ rabbit season I believe.”

Jensen licks his earlobe. “Perfect.”

*

They spend a fun afternoon welcoming all the kids that come to their door trick or treating. Jared made sure to get the “good” candy for them - quality name brands - the kind he always gets for himself, like they do every year. He can see how much happier Jensen is after interacting with the kids, his husband just adores them. He and Jared take their time to talk to each one, complimenting their costumes and giving away handfuls of candy.

After closing the door for the hundredth time, Jared turns to Jensen. “Baby how are you doing? Are you tired? Need a break?”

Jensen walks to the couch and Jared follows him. “I’m tired but just normal tired. Kids can really drain you.”

Jared smiles and touches his knee. “Well, get used to it, because hopefully in a close future there will be a kid in this house with us.”

Jensen smiles back and covers Jared’s hand with his own. “We have been through so much lately that we left that matter completely aside, huh? Can’t wait for all of this to be over so we can focus on getting our child.”

“That will happen very soon, baby. And it will be awesome. By the way, are you up for a small party tonight? Well, not a _party_ but everyone has asked to come over, have some pizzas and just hang out. What do you think? Feeling up to it?”

Jared knew a full party like the ones they usually host would be off the table because Jensen needs his rest after an afternoon of socializing with the neighborhood kids, but he thought that a gathering with their close friends couldn’t hurt. Jensen nods.

“Yeah, I guess I’d be up for that. Treatment will start again in a couple of days so I could really use something to take my mind off it, and something low key would be nice.”

Jared smiles and kisses Jensen’s knuckles. “Awesome, Jen!”

One after the other, everyone arrives at their place later. Anne is dressed as Anna from Frozen, holding a huge stuffed Olaf in her arms, and asks for candy which Jared quickly provides. All of their friends and Jensen’s parents compliment the boys’ costumes and take turns taking pictures with them. Jared calls Jensen ‘Doc’ during the whole evening and Jensen pretends to shoot him with the toy shotgun, making everyone laugh their asses off.

They enjoy the evening, intimate and fun with the small group, eating pizza and playing board games. There is a lot of talking and laughter, to include Jensen, and Jared feels his heart radiating warmth. It’s like their house is filled with hope, the success of the surgery having helped a great deal. They all know it’s not over yet but the light is a lot closer now. And Jared is completely certain that this, all the love shared tonight, is the best medicine for Jensen. Love will always win.

*

Later when they’re finally alone, Jensen does as he has promised and takes advantage of Jared dressed as Bugs Bunny. Jared was worried at first, he thought maybe Jensen had overdone himself with all the activities from earlier but Jensen shut him up with a consuming kiss.

“I’m gonna be exhausted all the time very soon so I want to enjoy while I can,” Jensen had argued.

So he partially undresses Jared, taking just his legs out of the jumpsuit so he can access Jared’s hole better, but leaves the rest of the costume on Jared’s body and the hoodie on his head. Jared keeps calling him Doc and driving Jensen crazy. They love each other tenderly, passionately, taking their time. Jared sucks Jensen, claiming his husband’s dick is his favorite shotgun and makes Jensen see stars. Jensen takes care of Jared’s whole body and finally fucks him after Jared makes him hard again with his awesome hand skills. Each time Jensen pounds into him, hitting his prostate, and Jared feels him, his heart skips a beat. Even after all this time, it still makes Jared emotional to feel Jensen inside him like this, it’s their deepest connection.

Later when they’re both lying in bed, facing each other - the ruined jumpsuit now on the floor - Jensen runs his fingers down Jared’s face.

“Thank you for today, baby. You were awesome, like always. You gave me just what I needed, dunno what I would do without you.”

Jared smiles and leans into Jensen’s touch. “We are the greatest team ever. Just wanted to keep up with our tradition even if it was a little different since I was sure it was gonna help with your mood. We still have a hard road ahead of us but I guess it’s the little things that make everything better.”

Jensen plants a sweet kiss on Jared’s mouth, and Jared can see his husband starting to drift off. “Never a small thing when it comes from you,” Jensen mumbles as he pulls Jared closer to his body and Jared smiles. He knows that no matter what challenges still lie on their path, they will always be ready for them.

And when they beat this, after everything else they beat in the past, nothing in this world will ever be able to get to them. Their strength is infinite.

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! Well, with this chapter I wanted to give you guys something lighter after all the heavy stuff that happened during the past chapters and all the tension from the surgery. I wanted to give the boys a break and just allow them to be happy and carefree for a while. The Halloween idea wasn't planned at all, when I wrote this I was putting together a whole timeframe ever since Jensen found out about the cancer and everything that happened later so I could have some idea in which month they would be after the surgery, and I came to the conclusion it would be close to Halloween so I thought "why not??" I think dressing up for halloween is something they would do, so I decided to write a little happy scene, and it felt great to do it. I had a smile on my face when I finished the chapter. I hope you guys like it too!
> 
> I had a conversation with Heather, my beta, today about where the story is heading and some details from their next challenge, and I feel very happy that I managed to figure out something that was bothering me ever since I planned this fic, I couldn't quite decide how exactly to do it but now I am more confident about it, she gave me some valuable ideas that I appreciate so much! (I have the best team ever). I've reached 83k words on this sequel already, and I have a feeling it's gonna go over 100k again, we will see. This unverse has so much to tell, these boys are amazing! Don't you think? I can't believe I created them, put that on my gravestone!
> 
> Once again, if you can spare some time to let me know what you think of this chapter, I really appreciate it!!! thanks again for sticking with me during the ride!
> 
> PS 1: I made Anne dress as Anna and have a stuffed Olaf with her bc I named my car Olaf since he's white as snow, and I have my own stuffed Olaf in my car. Thought it would be cute!
> 
> PS 2: I want to thank my friend Allison (who has always helped me a lot with ideas for this verse and also with the medical aspect ever since chapter 1 of the first fic), because she was the one who came up with the whole idea of Jensen needing a more capable help, she told me this would be required for Jensen to be discharged, and also told me a nurse could give them an extra help so Jared would be his caregiver. I immediately knew that would be Justin because I wanted him to do something really nice for the boys. So thanks Ally for the great idea! I love it!


	16. Chapter 16

__

_**Jensen** _

Jensen starts his new round of chemotherapy on Monday. He’s dreading it, he knows it won’t be easy just like the first time around, and he’s not looking forward to going through the side effects again. He doesn’t sleep very well the night before and Jared helps him through, holding him close and singing to him in a soothing voice.

In the morning, Jared brings breakfast in bed to Jensen, like he did when he was just starting the first round of chemo. There are pancakes as well as scrambled eggs with cheese and bacon just the way Jensen loves. They eat together, taking their time and then share a slow, comforting shower together. When it’s time to go, Jared drives Jensen to the center, and follows him to the infusion room where nurse Alaina welcomes them.

“Jensen, it’s so nice to have you back! I’m glad to know the surgery went well and now we just need to get rid of anything remaining from the cancer. Shall we start?”

Jensen agrees with a sigh and they get to work. Alaina takes his vitals and Jensen waits as the drugs are prepared. Jared stays by Jensen’s side as he receives the chemo, as usual, and Jensen is thankful for his support. He knows what to expect now since he has done this before, and by the time they arrive back home, Jensen is feeling mildly nauseated and pretty fatigued. Jared takes care of him during those hard first hours, until he is feeling slightly better.

The next few sessions go by uneventfully. Jensen suffers through the same side effects each time, and Jared of course stays by his side through everything, while making sure he also takes time for himself as Jensen has asked him to do. He goes out alone or with Chad sometimes, leaving Jensen in the care of Donna or Chris. Jared is more willing to accept help from others now, which is a big step for them both.

Things get harder when Jensen’s hair starts falling out again. It had grown in quite a bit over the past several weeks, but with the new round of chemo of course it was bound to fall out just like the first time. Jared shaves his head for him as he did before, and Jensen gets emotional all over again. He exits the bathroom holding back tears while Jared stays inside to clean himself up from all the hair, and as Jensen walks by the mirror in their bedroom, he can’t help but look at himself with sadness. He takes in his pale face, the dark circles under his eyes, his now bald head. He has lost a considerable amount of weight, his bones are more prominent, and he just looks _sick_. He absolutely hates what he sees.

Without saying anything to Jared, Jensen goes to their living room and stops in front of the fireplace where there are a lot of pictures of Jared and him. Jensen’s fingers trail over the frames, and he stops at the first picture they took together, thirteen years ago. Jensen picks up the frame with trembling fingers and slowly walks to the couch, then sits down. Jensen stares at their faces at Steve’s wedding; they were dressed up for the ceremony and Sandy wanted a picture of them both. Jensen had sat down on Jared’s wheel and wrapped an arm around Jared. Both have huge smiles on their faces and Jensen remembers how happy they were and how handsome they looked. Jensen touches his face in the picture, staring hard at it, and then remembers the face he just saw in the mirror. He can’t help the tears that break free to fall down his cheeks when he realizes he’s only a shadow of what he once was.

Jensen startles when Jared touches his shoulder, he was so lost inside his mind he hadn’t even noticed his husband approaching. Jared wipes Jensen’s tears with his thumb. “Talk to me, baby.”

Jensen swallows hard and shows Jared the picture. “Just… I don’t know, just got emotional seeing pictures from the past. I don’t look like this anymore and it’s hard to keep positive self-esteem right now, that’s all. I’m having a hard time looking at myself and remembering what I used to be like.”

Jared stares at Jensen for several moments, without saying a word. Then he squeezes his shoulder gently. “I’ll be right back, baby.”

Jared wheels to their room and returns after a couple of minutes while Jensen keeps staring silently at the picture in his hands. Jared transfers to the couch right next to Jensen, and shows him another picture.

“Look at this, Jen.”

Jensen looks at what his husband is showing him. It’s a picture of Jared when he was a firefighter, he’s standing proudly in his uniform in front of the fire station. There’s a date on it, January of 2001. Jensen stares at it, it’s weird to see pictures of Jared standing and walking - from Before - he’s so used to the version of Jared in the wheelchair that he knows and loves..

“This is the old me, Jen. Fourteen years ago, I could use my legs, I used to walk. Now I don’t anymore. It’s hard for me as well to look at the old pictures, to see what I used to be. But I slowly realized that it doesn’t mean I’m worse than before, only different. And you know very well who was the one person who helped me see this in myself. Answer me honestly, Jen. Looking at this picture of me, and looking at me now, how do you feel? Do you think I looked better back then? Was I more handsome, more beautiful in your eyes when I could stand?”

Jensen scoffs. “Of course not, Jay. You know you are the most beautiful person in the world to me just as you are.”

Jared smiles warmly at him. “I know. You love me even if I’m not ‘perfect’, even with my battle scars. You still think I’m beautiful no matter what, even at my worst, and you need to understand that about yourself as well. We are not the same people from these pictures baby, but it doesn’t mean we are worse or less perfect. You are still my beautiful, freckled, green eyed boy and I would love you even if you were green all over and had antlers.”

Jensen chuckles, remembering when he said that to Jared himself years ago, as he was trying to convince Jared that he loved him just as he was. “I know Jay. But I can’t help myself sometimes, I just get emotional.”

“I know. And that’s normal and expected a bit. Come here.” Jared pulls Jensen closer, and plants a lingering kiss on his temple. Jensen leans into his touch and closes his eyes, lowering his head a bit. He feels movement coming from Jared and a noise, and when Jensen opens his eyes again Jared has his phone in front of them.

“What are you doing?”

“Taking a selfie of us. This is who we are right now, and I want to capture how beautiful you look right now. Want to register this moment of us, how amazing it is to have you here with me right now. This may be one of my favorite shots of us.” Jared shows him the picture, and even though Jensen is not in his best shape, it _is_ a beautiful picture of them, Jensen can’t deny it.

“You should post it.”

Jared pulls away and frowns. “Really? You said yourself you don’t like how you look right now, you want thousands of people seeing it?”

Jensen shrugs and kisses Jared’s forehead. “ _You_ think I look beautiful, and that’s all that matters. And you’re right, it’s a great photo. You’re good at capturing us.”

Jared smiles and edits the photo on Instagram with a good filter to make it even more beautiful. The caption reads _Nothing else matters as long as you’re by my side during this journey. I am grateful for your life everyday. Love always wins._

It doesn’t take long for the picture to receive thousands of likes and supportive comments.

*

Jensen finishes the cycle of chemo a couple of days before Thanksgiving. He’s still feeling very weak when the holiday comes, doesn’t feel like doing anything, so they decide alongside with Jensen’s parents to have an early Thanksgiving dinner on the following Sunday, giving Jensen a few more days to recover. Jensen’s siblings can’t make it this time, but promise to fly to New York for Christmas. Jensen stays in and really allows himself to rest so his body can more quickly recover from the chemo cycle, and when Sunday comes he’s feeling a bit more human. He feels strong enough to walk around the house and to take care of himself better without constant support, which is already a huge achievement.

Donna cooks a Thanksgiving feast for them and their closest friends who are able to attend, since many already had their special dinner with their families on Thursday. It’s a nice, casual evening, everyone happy that Jensen is recovering and on the right path to get rid of the cancer, and they all make a toast to that. Jensen himself doesn’t eat much since he’s still not feeling completely up to par yet, but he puts away a few bites of his favorites, making Jared and Donna smile.

The guests leave early in the evening so Jensen can rest some more, and later when Jared and he are in bed, his husband plants a lingering kiss on his mouth.

“This year, like all others, I’m thankful for having you by my side, now more than ever. And the only thing I want is to be able to say the same thing next year.”

Jensen smiles. “You will. And who knows, maybe there will be a little one on the bed with us. Something else to be grateful for.”

Jensen really hopes that happens.

*

Jensen has an appointment with Doctor Ruth a couple of days later to check his progress. He goes through the now normal battery of tests and later Doctor Ruth gives them the news.

“Jensen, there has been some great headway made with this last treatment and I’m very happy with it. There aren’t many cancer cells left in your body but we must do at least one more cycle to make sure there’s nothing left that can return and grow. I know it’s hard for you but we can’t take any chances. I understand you must be exhausted but we are on the right path.”

Jensen isn’t too happy hearing that he will need another cycle of chemo, but it wasn’t completely unexpected. After the surgery he was told he would likely have to go through at least a couple more of them, so he really can’t complain. Plus Doctor Ruth said he’s close on a good path so that’s great news. Jared is also very thrilled to know that Jensen is so much closer to being cancer free.

It’s two weeks until Jensen starts the new cycle, and he takes these days to rest and build his body up for the coming setbacks from side effects again. Jared and he go for easy walks with Harley, and sometimes when Jensen is feeling up to it, they even go to the park close to their house. Jensen had missed it, even though it’s winter now they enjoy going there to just enjoy a change of scenery and take in some fresh, crisp air. Both Jared and Jensen also use the break to do some work from home, it helps clear and focus Jensen’s mind a bit as a distraction. Their friends always come over to hang out, and it feels good to have people over to talk and laugh with, without the strain of anything else going on..

The very best part though, is that Jensen finally feels well enough to make love to Jared for the first time since the surgery, and that is definitely the best medicine. Touching skin to skin and being so close to him is incredible, something that Jensen will never take for granted. He was so scared of something happening during the surgery, of never being able to feel Jared again, and now he’s able. Jared is just as eager to take Jensen, and Jensen can only imagine how hard it must have been for Jared to wait so long to have this after being so terrified of losing Jensen.

When the new cycle starts, Jensen feels more confident that this will be it. He knows what he’s gonna face, and he really hopes it’s the last one. They are already familiar with the process and they have a routine down pat now for the treatments, which makes it easier all around for them both not just physically but mentally. Jensen seriously doesn’t know what he would do without his husband, though. And to think Doctor Sheppard wanted him to get someone more qualified to take care of Jensen; he truly had no clue just how very capable and dedicated Jared could be.

By the time Christmas comes, Jensen isn’t feeling too well since he’s in the middle of the cycle, but he wants to celebrate anyway even if it’s in a small fashion. His siblings fly to New York to spend the holidays as promised, and instead of hosting it in their parents house as usual, they decide to do it at his and Jared’s place since it would be far more comfortable for Jensen.

They have an early dinner on Christmas Eve so Jensen won’t go to bed too late. Once everybody leaves, Jared and Jensen change into their pajamas - Jared made sure to buy the most christmas-y ones he could put his hands on for them - then he starts a fire in the fireplace and both of them spend some time watching Christmas movies until Jensen starts dozing on the couch and they finally call it a night.

Jensen wakes up on Christmas morning with Jared showering his face with kisses. Jensen smiles lazily and when he opens his eyes and finds himself staring at Jared’s beautiful face wearing a Santa hat, his whole body warms up even if he’s not feeling so great. It feels amazing to be able to spend another Christmas with Jared, now more than ever.

“Merry Christmas, my love,” Jared whispers as he plants a kiss on Jensen’s lips.

Jensen smiles and caresses Jared’s face. “Merry Christmas. Love you.”

Jared helps Jensen sit up and places some pillows behind their backs for support. Then he produces a tray with breakfast, a plate full of french toast, some scrambled eggs and orange juice. It all looks delicious as usual, and Jensen tries his best to eat as much as he can. Once they’re done, Jared sets the tray aside and picks up a stocking from the nightstand.

“Merry Christmas again!”

Jensen takes it from Jared and makes a face at him. “Jay, I thought we had agreed on no presents. I didn’t get anything for you.”

Jared plants a kiss on Jensen’s forehead. “I didn’t have anything to do with it, silly. It was Santa Claus! And he told me this is actually for the both of us. Come on, check it out!” Jared gives him a hopeful look that Jensen can’t resist, so he reaches inside the stocking, coming out with a piece of folded paper and a hotel folder. Jensen reads the destination as Jared explains.

“Santa told me this is how we are gonna celebrate when you get rid of the cancer, Jen. Remember how I promised you we would be going to Rio next year? How you said it would be awesome to see all those beaches? Santa got us tickets and a nice hotel so we can go to the Paralympic games in September. That will give you plenty of time to completely recover from the treatments. And I’ve made a deal with the committee, I’m gonna help them with all the organization prior to the games, but I’m not going there to work during it. We’re going together just to watch the competitions and also to spend some nice days visiting the city. It’s gonna be so awesome!”

Jensen flips through the hotel folder and it looks incredible, it’s a very nice hotel with a fantastic view. Jensen realizes he really wants to spend some fun, carefree days there with Jared, watching the games and enjoying the sights. Jensen feels even more motivated to recover and be fully healed, so this trip can be a reality. He looks up and smiles at his husband warmly.

“Thank you, Jay. This is perfect, just like yourself. I’m gonna do my very best to be fully recovered by the time we travel. Thankfully there’s still plenty of time so I don’t have to rush and can let my body heal and enjoy our time there as we should. I can’t wait to go.”

Jared wraps his arms around Jensen in a tight hug, and whispers in his ear as he’s hugged back. “Me neither. And hey don’t thank me! It was all Santa’s doing!”

Later, they have a holiday luncheon with their family, and then it’s time to open presents. Everyone had bought something for Jared and Jensen, and Jared had also sneakily managed to get presents for everyone on behalf of both of them. After such a great day, Jensen feels grateful for making it to Christmas. Another milestone down, and he knows he will never take Christmas for granted again.

*

For New Year’s, there’s a small gathering again at Jared and Jensen’s place. It just makes sense because of the built-in comfort level, and their friends and family don’t mind at all since they get to enjoy a full night with the two men. Jensen had slept through most of the afternoon so he would be able to stay awake until midnight; he was excited to ring in the new year properly.

When it’s close to midnight, they all head out to the backyard to see the fireworks. When there’s only a couple of minutes left, Jared takes Jensen to a more secluded corner behind a tree, so they can have some semblance of privacy. Jensen sits down sideways on Jared’s lap as the countdown starts, and when midnight hits Jared pulls Jensen in for a long kiss. They break the kiss only so they can wrap their arms around each other in a tight hug. When they pull away, Jared touches their foreheads and they stare into each other’s eyes meaningfully.

“Happy 2016, baby,” Jensen says caressing Jared’s face.

Jared smiles and tears well up in his eyes. “There’s no other way I’d want to welcome the new year than like this, with you so close to me. Thank you for still being here, Jen.” Jared’s voice breaks in the end and Jensen wipes the tears that fall down his face.

“I’m not going anywhere Jay, not anytime soon. I promise. We’re still gonna welcome a lot of new years ahead, you’ll see.”

“That’s the only thing I will ever want.”

*

The chemo treatment goes on for most of January, and Jensen is constantly feeling like crap. Having one cycle after another is really taking its toll on Jensen’s body. Even though he knew what to expect, he finds himself feeling nauseated more often than not, he again has lost a considerable amount of weight and once more he’s too tired to walk most of the time, borrowing Jared’s old wheelchair again to make moving around the house a bit easier. Jensen barely goes outside at all - only when he has a scheduled session since it’s winter and it’s beyond freezing. Jensen feels the chill much easier these days so he prefers to stay cozy inside; they usually start a fire in the fireplace to warm up and watch a movie or binge on a new series. Jensen tries to stay strong and positive, he knows the worst part is over and this can all end very soon but sometimes it’s just so hard, his brain gets fuzzy sometimes and he starts having dark thoughts. What helps him the most is having Jared with him; his husband is always there making sure Jensen is doing okay, and he honestly has no idea what he would do without Jared.

Jensen can’t wait to be healthy again, to truly feel good again. He misses doing even the simple things he did before. He misses his strength the most, he wants to be able to carry Jared again. Jensen knows that even when he is healed it’s gonna take a while until he’s feeling completely up to par again so he needs to be patient. But he’s gonna do everything in his power to ensure he can take that trip with Jared. That is his main goal to focus on now, and he _will_ carry Jared inside the hotel room in Rio.

The time finally comes for the last session in this cycle, which could be the last cycle ever. Doctor Ruth had said that it could take two cycles or more, and Jensen is already preparing himself to hear that he’s gonna need another one. He wants to be positive and expect the best but this fight has taken so much energy already, he’d rather be mentally prepared to accept not great news and be surprised than anticipate good news and get let down.

This time Chad joins them on the ride to the hospital. Ever since Jensen started feeling too weak to walk entirely on his own, they always bring someone else to the sessions with them to help with the heavy lifting part. Jensen knows Jared doesn’t like that very much, he’d like to be the one always helping Jensen, and Jensen himself would like that too but some things just aren’t practical. Today Chad is off so he offered to come. Jensen knows Chad is worried about him but most of all, Chad is also worried about Jared and does everything he can to help with that. Jensen is incredibly grateful, it’s good to know someone is focused on Jared’s health during all this since his husband has been known to slip into not remembering to take care of himself without some gentle prodding.

The session goes by as usual, and when Jensen says goodbye to the nurses he adds that he hopes it’s the last time. They all hug him and wish for the same thing. Chad helps him to the car and then into their house, and Jensen goes straight to bed to take a much needed nap. When he wakes up, he gets into the wheelchair that’s sitting next to the bed and goes to the living room, finding Chad keeping Jared company, both sitting on the couch watching a game on tv. Jared smiles when he sees Jensen, who joins them on the couch. He tries to eat the soup that Jared made for him and manages to get half of it down. Eventually Chad goes home and they’re left alone, so Jared starts a fire and they spend some time being lazy on the couch, just cozy and cuddled. Jensen is scheduled to go see Doctor Ruth again in a few days to run the usual battery of tests and see if he needs more chemo. She had told Jensen to take a few days to recover from his last treatment before going back to see her and Jensen plans on doing just that. Sleep is a welcome, wonderful thing.

The next few days pass cooped up inside where Jensen spends almost all of his time resting so his body can recover from all the chemotherapy it’s gone through. Jared is of course always by his side, their friends come visit frequently and Jensen’s mom is at their house more often than not, cooking special meals for them to try and tempt Jensen’s palate. As the days go by Jensen feels slightly better bit by bit, and then he’s feeling strong enough to start walking unaided, even if he’s still a little slow on his feet.

When it’s finally the night before the appointment with Doctor Ruth, Jensen feels more nervous than he has in some time. As Jared joins him on the bed he can feel how anxious Jensen is.

“It’s gonna be fine, baby,” Jared says as he touches their foreheads together and caresses Jensen’s face.

Jensen swallows a lump in his throat. “What if it’s not? What if I have to go through this all over again? I don’t know how much more my body can take, Jay.”

“Your body is amazing, Jen. It can take much more than you think. You’ve told me that a lot of times in the past and now I’m telling you. It’s gonna be fine because it always is. If the doctor tells us it’s not over yet, then we will keep going. I’m gonna be here for you, always, and we will get through it. I have faith in you, baby. Whatever happens tomorrow, we’re gonna get through it. But for now, let’s just rest. You need to be feeling well for the appointment and the tests tomorrow.”

Jensen smiles and brings Jared even closer, lazily kissing him for several moments and feeling his warmth. Just being this close to Jared makes Jensen already feel stronger.

*

Jensen feels nervous as Jared drives them to the appointment. His husband holds his hand during the ride, and that makes Jensen feel way better. The doctor doesn’t leave them waiting for too long, and soon she’s welcoming them into her office.

“Jensen, how are you feeling?” She asks as she sits down in front of them.

Jensen shrugs. “Still pretty weak. But better than when I finished the cycle.”

The doctor smiles. “That’s good. We’re going to run the usual tests to see how you’re really doing okay? You know the drill.”

Jensen goes through the usual lab work and CT scans, and he waits for a while alongside Jared for the results to be ready, mostly in silence. Finally, they’re called back inside the doctor’s office, and she welcomes them with a smile. Jensen hopes that means good news.

Doctor Ruth addresses both of them, the scans and lab work level papers scattered over her desk. “Okay, boys. I have the results here and I am really happy with what I’m seeing. Jensen, there aren’t any signs of remaining cancer cells in your body, and there’s not a trace left of the tumor either. That’s fantastic, and I want to be cautiously optimistic. However, to declare you officially in remission we need to wait for about a month after the last treatment was completed and run these tests again, to see if it stays that way. No more chemotherapy sessions, we are just going to wait out that safe period so we can make sure it is indeed all gone. Alright?”

Jensen stares at the doctor in stupor for several seconds, gripping Jared’s hand and trying to process it. “So that… that means the cancer is gone?”

“For now, yes. But like I said Jensen, we need to wait a full month and run the tests again. I can’t declare you cancer free yet because unfortunately there is a chance the tumor could begin to grow again. We need to wait and see. I suggest you take this month to keep up your recovery and build on your strength and endurance. Slowly get back to your normal activities and try to live your life as normally as you can. Then you come back and we will see where we are at.”

Jensen nods, trying to keep his voice even and think through the fog in his brain. “This is good news though, right?”

The doctor smiles broadly at him. “Yes, Jensen. This is very good news. The best scenario possible, really. We managed to get the cancer out of you and now we just need to make sure it stays that way.”

Jensen thanks the doctor, and he hears as if from far away that Jared is doing the same. They leave the office hand in hand with an appointment scheduled for a little less than a month from today. They slowly make their way to the car hand in hand and in silence, both still trying to process everything. It is almost too much to take in.

Once both of them are inside the car, Jensen finally turns to Jared, and he can see his husband’s eyes are shining.

“You did it, Jen.” Jared’s voice is filled with emotion and Jensen can’t help his own eyes welling up.

“It’s not over yet, Jay. We still need to wait a month to make sure it’s really gone. It’s gonna be a hard month. Long.”

Jared reaches out and caresses Jensen’s face. “I know. But it’s also gonna be filled with hope. We’ve been through the worst part, now it’s time for you to recover and get your life back on track as the doctor said. And when we return here she’s gonna tell us it’s still okay. You’ll see.”

Jensen leans over and plants a sweet kiss on Jared’s mouth. “Thanks for being my rock during all of this.”

“It’s always you and me, baby.”

*

The next month is spent exactly as Doctor Ruth suggested. Jensen allows his body to rest as much as it seems to need to, and he tries to get back to normal, alongside Jared. Jensen is able to focus on his work more, with better clarity, and starts going back into his office again more frequently, which makes him feel a lot more cheerful. Jared goes back to work as well, dropping Jensen at his office since Jensen isn’t feeling secure enough to drive yet, and then going to his own office. It’s nice to see things going moving back to routine, and Jensen hopes it stays that way. Their family and friends are also incredibly happy that things are going well, but Jared and he made sure they knew it’s not completely over yet. Jensen knows Jared wants to throw a party to celebrate after Jensen is officially declared in remission. Taking this time to wait turns out to be for the best because it gives Jensen more time to get back into the swing of life and be able to enjoy the party more when they have it. He’s really looking forward to it.

When it’s time to return for the hopefully last series of tests, Jensen is nervous again. He can’t help the positive feelings warring with the anxiety this time, he just has a good feeling. He’s been feeling good, emotionally and mentally, not to mention physically even. Of course, Jared does his best to keep them both calm even though Jensen knows his husband is just as nervous as he is, maybe even more. He has no idea how Jared does it.

Doctor Ruth welcomes them and after telling her he’s doing fine, she tells Jensen it’s time to go see if everything is still okay. Jensen goes through the series of tests again, hopefully for the last time. He is so tired of those but he knows he needs to get through this one, most of all. They have to wait a couple of hours for all the results to be ready, so Jared and he go for lunch. As they wait for their food, Jared raises his water glass.

“Let’s make a toast for everything to come out clean, and for your health.”

Jensen raises his own glass and toasts with Jared. “Here’s for the chance of growing old together.”

Jared smiles. “I won’t have it any other way.”

As they go back to the doctor’s office, Jensen feels his hands sweating. This is really the moment of truth, if the cancer is back they’re gonna have to start all over again and he isn’t sure where he will find the strength for that. This whole process was so hard on Jensen, both physically and emotionally, and he just needs for this to be over once and for all. He misses his normal life with Jared.

The doctor welcomes them back with Jensen’s tests in hand and an unreadable expression on her face.

“What is it, Ruth? Please tell us, the waiting is killing me.”

She looks from Jared to Jensen and takes a deep breath before giving them the verdict.

“Jensen, I’m happy to say all your tests came out clean. There are still no traces of cancer cells in your body and there is no tumor regrowth as well. You’re officially in complete remission.”

Jensen looks at the doctor but he can’t quite comprehend what she’s saying, it’s like his brain isn’t able to process words anymore. Jared is squeezing his hand so hard it must be hurting, but Jensen can’t feel a thing.

“So…” Jensen starts, trying to speak around a huge lump that’s formed in his throat. “You mean it’s gone? Like really gone? I’m free of the cancer for good?”

“Yes, Jensen. You’re free of the cancer. The fact that nothing grew back is wonderful news. Although you’re gonna have to go through regular check-ups to make sure it stays that way. It takes up to five years to be completely sure you’re 100% healed. But for now, you are all cleared to go back to your normal cancer-free life.”

Jensen covers his mouth with a hand, feeling a deep emotion starting to take over him. “Oh my God.”

The doctor smiles. “I’m gonna give you two some privacy to celebrate the news. I will be back in a few minutes.”

With that, she walks out of the office but Jensen barely registers it. He turns to face Jared, who has tears running down his face.

“It’s over, Jay,” Jensen states, and his husband doesn’t say anything, just pulls Jensen to his lap. Jensen sits down with one leg on each side of Jared’s chair and wraps his arms forcefully around his husband. They hold onto each other so tight they might as well be fused together, both crying on each other’s shoulders, finally letting out months of pain, uncertainty, fear and so much more. Their hug lasts for God knows how long, both of them clinging to each other and crying in silence since words aren’t needed right now. Jared and Jensen both know how monumental this moment is, how much they suffered and fought to get to this point. It’s over, they can go back to their lives now, they can be fully happy again without a dark cloud hanging over their heads all the time. Jensen knows very well this road isn’t over yet, like the doctor said he’s gonna need regular check-ups to make sure the cancer doesn’t come back, but Jensen feels positive. He’s gonna make sure his happy ending with Jared goes on for many years to come.

As they finally pull apart a bit Jensen leans their foreheads together, and both stare into each other eyes deeply, a thousand unspoken emotions shared between them. The biggest one of all is the immeasurable love they feel for each other.

Jared places both hands on Jensen’s face, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs. His husband’s eyes are wet and puffy, and when he speaks his voice comes out raspy, filled with a deep emotion.

“I get to keep you.”

Jensen smiles through his own tears, and plants a lingering kiss on his soulmate’s lips. That’s the only thing he will ever need.

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okayyyy first of all, let's all let out a collective breath! Jensen is finally okay again! It felt so great to write this, it made me so happy! When I first decided to go with it and write Jensen having cancer, I knew I didn't want him to suffer (much). Of course he had to suffer, it's cancer, but my condition to write it is that it had to be a treatable cancer and he would only suffer to a certain extent. As much as I like writing hurt boys, there's a limit for everything and this is where I draw the line. I'm not gonna say things can't happen in the future, you know me (evil laughter) but FOR NOW, we can celebrate because Jensen is okay. The story isn't over yet, there are still things to happen so stay tuned! And as usual please let me know what you think, you guys know how much it means to me!
> 
> by the way, great news, the Big Bang is starting soon! My story is all ready to go and I'm gonna be the first one to post this year. My new fic is being published on June 11th, [here](http://bitchjerk.com/post/173909359753/lullys-j2-big-bang-2018-i-cant-believe-the) is the title and summary of it. This story I'm posting soon is actually older than this verse, it was supposed to have been my last year's big bang but plans changed. Now I finally get to post it and I'm so excited! And I'm also ridiculously happy because once more I'm gonna have Kaelysta as my artist. She's still doing art for this verse ever since she claimed my fic last year and we're gonna team up again. I couldn't have asked for a better artist! So I'm happy for all of this and I hope you guys like this story as well! After writing two major dramas for 2016 and 2017, this is my romantic comedy!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter - Wait for it!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNZH-emehxA)

__

_**Jared** _

Jared is driving with Jensen by his side, but he’s not going home. He’s taking Jensen to a very special place instead, because this day needs to be celebrated. Jared just can’t believe the nightmare is over. Jensen is free of the cancer, he’s alive and healthy. Jared feels like he’s living in a waking dream ever since Doctor Ruth told them Jensen is officially in remission. The only thing on Jared’s mind at that moment was wrapping his husband tight in his arms, and that’s what he did the second Ruth left them alone. Jared hugged Jensen so tight he still doesn’t know how he didn’t hurt him. He needed to feel Jensen’s warmth, his heart beating pressed against his own heart, his breathing, his lifeforce.

After the doctor had returned from giving them a few moments alone, they both hugged and thanked her profusely. She made clear to Jensen that he needs to go back in a few months for a check-up and Jared reassured her that he’ll go. Jared knows it’s not completely over, cancers can come back, but he’s feeling optimistic. He is completely sure Jensen will remain healthy and this will be only a chapter in their story.

Smiling, he continues driving quietly, glancing over at Jensen in fond adoration. He brings their joined hands to his lips and kisses Jensen’s knuckles as they stop at a red light. He feels so happy right now he could scream. Jared doesn’t need anything else ever, as long as Jensen is always by his side. Jensen smiles at him and mirrors Jared’s gesture, pulling their hands to his own lips and kissing his husband’s knuckles as well.

“Where are we going, baby?”

“It’s a surprise. You’ll see.”

The thought about doing this hit Jared as soon as they got into the car, it was something that came naturally to him and felt right. He drives towards Manhattan and when Jensen realizes that, he gives Jared a strange look, and Jared knows his husband is probably thinking he’s heading to Ground Zero, but that’s not what Jared has in mind right now. Instead, he drives to the Upper East Side still without saying a word to Jensen. When he parks the car close to Central Park, Jensen chuckles and Jared turns to him after killing the engine.

“Are you up for a hot dog?”

Jensen studies Jared for a few seconds, and gives him a fond smile. “Definitely.”

Jared sets up his chair and asks for Jensen to get the blanket they keep in the trunk since they always loved going to the smaller park close to their home for picnics. After locking up the car, Jared reaches out a hand and as Jensen takes it they head to the park. As they enter it, Jared’s mind travels back almost fourteen years in the past, when Jensen brought him here for the first time since the WTC attack. Back then Jared was still very much a broken man who was struggling just to get by, barely leaving the house because he was too ashamed of being seen in a wheelchair. It had taken a lot of convincing on Jensen’s part, but when Jared set wheels down in Central Park, it felt like something had loosened up inside of him. He felt warm for the first time after months of feeling constantly chilled, and that was a pivotal moment for Jared. Jensen and he shared a lot of things about themselves and when they left the park that afternoon, their bond was much stronger. Jared often remembers that day with fondness, it’s one of the most important moments in his path towards emotional recovery. That’s why he wanted to bring Jensen here. It’s the one place he thought Jensen would like to come for a celebration like this, just the two of them before telling everyone else. Jared figures they deserve a few moments alone in a place that has only seen them grow and build wonderful memories over time.

Jensen buys hot dogs and Cokes for them, and carries the food as they make their way to the great lawn since Jared has to work harder to wheel through the grass. Jensen places the food on the grass so he can spread the blanket out in front of their tree. Jared is glad that even though it’s February it’s not as cold today as it has been, the sun is even out despite being a bit chilly - as if it too is celebrating their victory. They get settled, both of them lying on the blanket side by side, and Jensen takes Jared’s hand as they just look at each other for a while, a lifetime passing between them. Jared pulls Jensen closer and his husband lies on his chest. Jared holds Jensen tight and kisses the top of his head.

“Can you believe it’s finally over? Can you believe we’re still here?”

Jensen looks up and kisses Jared’s mouth. “I can’t believe _I_ am still here. You would always be here, silly.”

Jared shakes his head. “Nope. Not without you, I wouldn’t.”

Jensen turns serious. “You don’t mean that.”

Jared shrugs. “I totally do. Maybe not literally. But if you had died, I’m fairly certain I'd have died right after you, of a broken heart.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything further, he only nods. Jared knows he understands, because if the roles were reversed, Jensen would feel the same way. They’re it for each other, and if one goes, the other goes too. That’s how soulmates work.

Jensen lowers his head and sighs, his ear right over Jared’s heart, and he knows Jensen can hear his heartbeats. They stay in silence for a while, just enjoying each other, and eventually Jensen speaks.

“I think this moment calls for a victory song, don’t you think?”

Jared chuckles as he tries to choose a good song. Something perfect pops up in his mind, and he starts to sing in a low voice.    

_Looks like we made it_  
_Look how far we've come my baby_  
_We mighta took the long way_  
_We knew we'd get there someday_  

_They said "I bet they'll never make it"_  
_But just look at us holding on_  
_We're still together still going strong_

Jensen looks up and Jared can see a few tears falling down his face. Jared smiles at his husband as he feels his own eyes welling up, and he keeps singing as he caresses Jensen’s growing hair.    

_You're still the one I run to_  
_The one that I belong to_  
_You're still the one I want for life_  
_You're still the one I love_  
_The only one I dream of_  
_You're still the one I kiss good night_  

_Ain't nothin' better_  
_We beat the odds together_  
_I'm glad we didn't listen_  
_Look at what we would be missin'_  
_They said "I bet they'll never make it"_  
_But just look at us holdin' on_  
_We're still together still goin' strong_

Jensen takes one of Jared’s hands from around him and links their fingers, bringing them close to his face and planting a lingering kiss on Jared’s palm. Jared realizes once again that he has in his arms the only thing he will ever need. He doesn’t need money, a big house, a good job, anything material. He doesn’t even need his legs, not really. He is completely positive he could live under a bridge as long as he had Jensen with him. For the past fourteen years Jensen has been his anchor, his home, his happiness and reason to live. Jared is even more sure now that no matter what comes their way, they can beat anything as long as they’re together, and they’re even stronger now. It feels damn amazing.

 _I'm so glad we made it_  
_Look how far we've come my baby._

_*_

Later as Jared drives home, Jensen calls his parents and their friends asking everyone to come to their place later for dinner and an announcement. They all knew Jensen was waiting today’s results, and Jared is sure everyone is anxious to know what happened. But just like when they announced Jensen had cancer, they want to announce the very good news in person.

When they arrive home, Jared feels an even bigger wave of happiness taking over him. He will never take for granted again arriving home with Jensen. That’s how it’s always supposed to be, both of them in their house together. Jared doesn’t even want to ever imagine this place without his husband again. They spend some time preparing dinner for everyone, they’ve decided to cook instead of ordering something. They’ve always loved cooking jointly but with everything recently there hasn’t been much opportunity, and they happily fall into a seamless rhythm working together.

As everyone starts to arrive, they decide to wait until everyone is gathered to tell the news. Once they’re all in the living room, both Jared and Jensen sit in front of their family and friends, in a much similar scene from months ago. Jared can see worry and anxiousness in all of their faces and he can’t wait for smiles to bloom in their place. So he takes Jensen’s hand and squeezes it, addressing everyone.

“Thanks for coming guys. As you know, we went to the doctor today and we have something to share with all of you.”

Jared looks at Jensen, raising his eyebrows, motioning for Jensen to say it. His husband wasn’t able to do it the first time, and Jared been the one to deliver the awful news to everyone. Jensen should be the one to share this positive news.

Jensen gives Jared a small smile and turns to face their audience, seeing breaths held as he delivers his new diagnosis.

“Well, the doctor said I’m officially in complete remission. There’s no trace of the cancer in my body! It’s over, I’m healthy again.”

It takes half a second for everybody to process what Jensen has said, but suddenly the living room explodes with screams of joy, everybody jumps up to hug Jensen and Jared feels so relieved that the mood is completely different from that fateful day. Donna and Alan hug their son for a long time and everyone waits for their turn as they hug Jared as well. Chad takes his time kneeling down to give his friend a tight hug, and Jared hangs on just as forcefully.

“I knew it Jaybird! I knew it would all end up well! That’s awesome!” Chad says as they pull apart.

Jared nods. “I’ve never been so relieved and happy in my life. Jensen is alive and healthy again, that’s all I need. Thanks for helping take care of me when I forgot to do it myself, man.”

Chad squeezes Jared’s shoulder as he gets up. “That’s what friends are for, Jaybird!”

Once everybody has had a chance to hug and talk to Jensen and Jared, Jensen takes a step back to address everyone.

“The doctor said it takes up to five years to make sure I’m truly, completely healed. There’s always a chance of the tumor coming back, so I’m going to keep regular check-ups to see if everything is okay. But we’re feeling positive, we won this battle and now it’s time to celebrate. We cooked a nice dinner for everyone because it’s a special day and we wanted to share the good news with you guys.”

Jared can almost feel the huge weight lifting from the room. They spend the evening enjoying a dinner filled with laughter and catching up, completely different from the one they had several months ago. Jared never wants to stop celebrating Jensen’s life.

*

A week later, Jared takes Jensen back to the hospital to remove the port in his chest since thankfully he will no longer need it. Once they arrive, Doctor Ruth welcomes them at her office for a quick talk, mainly to see how Jensen is doing and explain how the removal process works. Then, Jensen is led to a room, given a gown to change into and a nurse starts an IV. Jared waits alone as Jensen is taken to the procedure room.

He returns a while later, looking sleepy as they wheel him into a post-op room. They wait a couple hours for Jensen to recover from the small surgery before he’s discharged. Once they arrive home, Jensen heads directly to their bedroom to rest, admitting he’s in pain. Doctor Ruth had warned them that this would happen, that Jensen would feel some discomfort for a couple of days after the removal. He also can’t take a shower until tomorrow to keep the dressing and the stitches on his chest completely dry. Jared of course, stays by his side through the whole thing, until Jensen starts feeling normal again after a few days. Even though he felt sore and bruised and less than 100%, Jared knows Jensen is damn relieved to be rid of the port. It’s one more piece of proof that the nightmare is over.

*

In the beginning of March Jared throws Jensen a huge birthday party, which also serves as a reunion to gather extended friends and family they haven’t seen in some time. Donna helps Jared organize everything: they hire a catering service, invite everyone they know, and get the house and yard ready for the party.

When it’s time for them to get ready, Jared and Jensen take showers and get dressed. Jensen was eager to get out of their room as he’d been there all day, resting,reading and watching TV as Jared didn’t want Jensen to see the decorations; he wanted everything to be a surprise. Jared puts his braces on underneath his pants as he has something planned for later and wants to be able to stand up. Jensen asks why Jared is wearing the braces and gets a secretive smile from his husband instead of an answer.

When Jared finally takes Jensen to the backyard, some guests are already waiting. As they cross through the french doors, Jared motions with his hand for Jensen to look up.

“Surprise!”

There’s a big sign with some carefully chosen pictures of Jensen alone, with his family, friends and of course with Jared. In the middle the words _We Love You Jensen!_ are written in gold. Jensen studies the sign for a few moments and then turns to Jared, and he can see his husband’s eyes shining. Jensen gets down on one knee beside Jared’s chair, placing a hand on his face and giving him a sweet kiss on the lips.

“Thank you, Jay. That’s awesome.”

Jared pulls Jensen in a tight embrace and speaks in his ear. “All of us want to celebrate your life, Jen. This is your night!”

They welcome all of their guests and soon the backyard is filled with people. Jensen’s siblings have traveled for the party, both incredibly happy that Jensen is healthy again. All of their friends are here as well, including a couple of old buddies of Jensen’s from Texas, Milo and Riley. They have been friends for more than a couple of decades, and Jared gets along very well with them too ever since Jared traveled to Texas with Jensen to visit his parents for the first time. They had gone to a bar and things ended up badly when a couple of bullies attacked Jared, and Jensen’s friends dove right in to help. Even though they don’t get to meet up very often, they’re always in touch.

Jared also invited the crew that helped Jensen on the hard road to freeing him of the cancer, Doctor Ruth, Doctor Sheppard, Alaina, Gil and even Justin. True to his word, Jared has kept in touch with Justin, they text each other occasionally, and Justin was very pleased to know Jensen was now in remission. He really did help them a lot, so it was only fair that he came to the party as well.

There is much fun to be had, the party’s awesome with great food and music, and the mood is light now that the fear of losing Jensen is gone. His husband spends a lot of time talking to people, as everyone wants to say something to Jensen. Jared himself is busy making sure to say hello to everyone and ensuring no one is feeling left out. Eventually he spots Justin sitting at a table talking to one of Jared’s coworkers from the paralympic committee, Kellan, and Justin seems very interested in him. Kellan is also a former swimmer and Jared became friends with him when they used to compete together. Kellan is an amputee, he doesn’t have his right leg below the knee, but this detail is hidden since he’s wearing jeans. Jared studies them for a while, worried that something may go wrong when Justin learns this fact. He has shown Jared that he changed for the better, still, the worry pulls on Jared’s heart. He hasn’t realized he was lost in thought as he stares at the two men until he startles when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He looks up and finds Jensen giving him a small smile.

“Let them be, baby.”

Jared frowns and looks at Justin and Kellan talking again, and then back at Jensen. Damn him for knowing Jared so well.

“But… what if something happens, I…”

Jensen leans down and plants a kiss on Jared’s cheek, and then whispers in his ear. “They’re grown men. Let them figure it out. They’re just talking. If Kellan wants to tell Justin he will, and if Justin ends up liking him and he’s really changed like he said, he won’t mind. Let it happen.”

Jared smiles at his husband, he’s right. It’s up to them and who knows, maybe something really good can come out of it.

Once everybody is content from the lavish buffet and taking a rest break from dancing, the DJ cuts the music and proposes a toast for Jensen. Everybody gathers in the middle of the backyard and Jared discreetly asks for Chad to go fetch his walker for him. All conversations quietly die down as people look expectantly at Jensen. His husband is instantly nervous, as he always is when he’s the center of attention. Jared takes his hand and gives him an encouraging look. Jensen smiles nervously and addresses everyone.

“Thank you guys so much for coming. I’m not very good at speaking in public so I’m gonna be brief. It’s very important for me to be here today, to enjoy another birthday after these past few months. They weren’t easy and there were moments I wasn’t sure I would make it here. So the fact that I am here celebrating with all the people I love feels amazing. A huge thanks to all of your steadfast support and outpouring of love during this incredibly hard journey, it meant so much more than you can possibly know.” He looks down at Jared and squeezes his shoulder. “Most of all, I want to thank my husband for helping me and for being by my side every single step of the way. He carried me through it, figuratively and also literally, and I know wouldn’t have made it without Jared. Thank you for everything Jay, for being my rock, for being so strong for both of us and for not letting me give up when things got really rough. You’re my own personal superhero and I don’t even know how to begin to express how very much I love you.” Jensen turns to address everyone again, his voice slightly choked up from emotion. “Thank you guys, again, for coming and celebrating this special day with me.”

Everybody raises their glasses and cheers for Jensen. As they drink, Jared motions for Chad to bring his walker, and his friend places it in front of him before quietly walking back to the crowd.

“Baby, what are you doing?” Jensen asks in a low voice.

“It’s my turn to speak,” Jared answers simply as he hands Jensen his glass, takes his legs off the footplate and locks his braces, holding onto the walker as he slowly pulls himself up until he’s fully standing. After making sure Jared is set, Jensen positions himself in front of him so he can look directly at Jared as he speaks.

Jared smiles at his husband as he takes a few deep breaths to compose himself from the effort of standing up. Once he’s okay, he gives Jensen a wink and addresses everyone.

“I would like to say a few words myself. My 26th birthday was the first one after the 9/11 attacks and the first one I spent in a wheelchair. I was a wreck, trying to collect the broken pieces of myself. I didn’t feel like celebrating in any way, but I was thrown a surprise party by some of my closest friends. When someone reminded me to make a wish, for a second I thought it was pretty obvious what I would wish for. The one thing I wanted more than anything else at that time was to ask for a chance to walk again, to be whole. Before I could make that wish, I looked to my side and Jensen was there. It was also my first birthday after having met Jensen and finding him again after months of assuming he was dead. We were only just getting to really know each other then, but deep down I knew how I felt about him. So when I looked at him, suddenly I knew I wanted to ask for something different, something that mattered even more to me, and that was a pivotal moment in my life. That moment really led me on the path to him, to recovery, to acceptance.

“I never told him this, but my wish that day was for Jensen to stay. I didn’t need anything else, as long as I got to keep Jensen in my life. My wish came true, Jensen chose me. And ever since, on every single one of my birthdays, I make the same wish. As I blow out the candle, I wish for Jensen to always stay with me. That’s the only thing I will ever need. As long as Jensen is here, everything will be okay. And ever since I found out Jensen was sick, I made this same wish, every single day, even though it wasn’t my birthday. My first and last thoughts each day were always the same, to have Jensen by my side. And I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am for having this wish granted.”

Jared then speaks directly to Jensen. “Jen, I know it’s your birthday and not mine, but I hope you will allow me to make a wish too. I wish for you to always stay by my side, I wish for a chance to grow old together, and I wish we get to enter our heaven at the same time when we’re both really, really old. I wish for the chance to create thousands of new memories together, and for all of our dreams and plans to come true. My only wish in this life has always been and will always be you. As long as you are here and you love me, I will never need anything else. I love you Jen, more than anything, and here’s to your life, here’s for you to stay.”

Jared holds up a hand while keeping the other on the walker for balance, and Jensen gives him his glass back. Jared raises it and everybody follows. He can see a lot of people have tears in their eyes.

“To Jensen!”

Once Jared has lowered his glass, Jensen closes the distance and wraps his arms around him. Jared feels safe to let go of the walker and hug Jensen back. They hold each other tight for a while, without saying a word because it’s not needed. When they carefully pull apart, Jensen places a hand on Jared’s face and they stare at each other intensely.

“I promise I’ll stay,” Jensen whispers for only Jared to hear, and he smiles. It’s all he needs.

Jensen helps Jared to sit back in his chair, and then a big cake is wheeled outside. Everybody gathers around it to sing Happy Birthday to Jensen, and it’s very loud and cheerful. Before blowing the candle, Jensen looks at Jared and gives him a wink.

Jared knows what Jensen is wishing for, and he wishes for the same thing. Their wish is for a lifetime spent together.

*

The next few weeks are spent trying to slowly get their life back on track while Jensen is still recovering and rebuilding his energy levels. He starts going to work everyday even if he doesn’t stay at the office for a full day, and Jared does the same. Jared also starts going to the gym and swimming again, he has really missed doing those things since they are so good for his body. Jensen eventually starts going to the gym with Jared as well, taking it easy at first to regain his strength. Jared knows Jensen misses carrying him, his husband has always loved doing that, and can’t wait to do it again. But Jensen is not back to his usual shape yet, and Jared doesn’t want him to get hurt since Jared is not exactly a lightweight.

What they _are_ doing a lot of, is making love to each other. Now that Jensen is feeling better they don’t waste any time. Jared has missed the intimate closeness to Jensen so much during his treatment, but he was patient because Jensen’s health always came first. Now that they are able to physically connect again regularly though, it feels like heaven. And after everything they went through, Jared is never taking a single touch for granted again. Not that he ever did, but now more than ever, he knows close he came to losing all of this forever. Having Jensen by his side is a gift.

Jared agrees to give a small interview to a sports magazine alongside Jensen, to talk about what they went through, with his husband’s consent of course. He had been contacted to talk about it shortly after Jensen’s official remission diagnosis and after discussing it with Jensen, they decided it was actually a good idea to share their journey with people. It’s a small way of saying thank you to the tremendous amount of support on social media they both received while Jensen was sick. They had spent most of their time secluded during that period, so showing everyone just how well Jensen (and they together) are doing seems like the right thing.

They welcome the magazine people in their home on a Saturday morning, and talk briefly about how it all started, from the diagnosis until Jensen was declared officially in remission. They leave some details out, things that should stay private, and focus on the amazing support and the fight itself to beat the cancer. They also have a small photoshoot that had been agreed on previously - Jensen’s word was the final answer on that and he gave his okay since he’s feeling more confident about himself now that his hair is growing in, he’s gained back some weight and he’s not so sickly pale anymore. Jared is happy with the results and the interview itself, he’s actually excited to see the magazine when it comes out. It feels nice to talk about such an amazing victory alongside his husband for a public audience. He hopes others can draw inspiration and hope from their experience.

*

Once life begins to fully resemble what it was before Jensen’s cancer, the two decide it’s time to revisit their thoughts about adoption, now that their nightmare is over. They’ve tabled the matter long enough and are ready to dedicate themselves to it and fully concentrate on expanding their family.

They are lying on their bed one night after a long, passionate make-out session, and Jensen is lazily caressing Jared’s hair, his body turned towards him.

“What do you imagine our child would be like?” Jensen asks, and Jared takes a few moments before responding.

“I don’t know. Never really stopped to think about it, you know? Whoever is meant to be our kid, I’ll gladly accept and love them.”

Jensen sighs. “Me too. But do you want like, a newborn? Or an older child? We can even consider a surrogate, that way the kid would be biologically related to at least one of us.”

Jared _has_ actually thought about getting a surrogate. It would be much easier for Jensen to be the biological father since it’s not that simple for Jared to produce sperm, and he doesn’t even know if he’s fertile. All things considered it would be nice to have a kid that’s biologically Jensen’s, but Jared would also love to give a home to a child that has been thrown into the system, and he tells Jensen that.

“It would feel great to give a little one a chance. I mean, it would be awesome to have a kid that’s biologically related to one of us sure, but I like the idea of helping a kid that’s already out there more. We’ve been afforded so much happiness after such pain that we have a lot of love to share with a child that doesn’t have a family. What about a toddler, a kid that’s not as easily placeable? Everybody wants newborns, that will take a lot longer due to waiting lists. But it’s also up to you baby, we’re together in this so we need to agree completely. What do you think?”

Jensen smiles as he considers it for a while, and then uses his other hand to rub at Jared’s flat stomach. “Can you imagine how amazing it would be if we could actually conceive a child? Like, both of us?”

Jared raises his eyebrows and chuckles. “You want to knock me up, baby?”

Jensen shrugs and his cheeks turn a faint shade of pink. “I obviously know it’s not possible, but _if_ it were, it would be so incredibly awesome. A kid that looked like the both of us, combined. And also, I would love to see you all huge with a pregnant belly, carrying our child. You’d look even more sexy.”

Jared laughs out loud this time. “Oh man, my arms already feel sore just imagining what hard work it would be to carry the extra weight around. I wouldn’t be able to even get out of bed by myself around the end of nine months! But yeah, that would be interesting and I would definitely go through it for our kid. Sadly though, that belongs in another reality, one where I am a woman.”

Jensen scrunches up his nose at that. “No thanks, let’s keep you just as you are, please. As much as I’d love for us to have our own kid, I’d rather you stay a guy.” They laugh together and share a few moments in silence before Jensen speaks again. “But seriously, I do agree with you. It would be best to adopt an older kid, give an existing child a chance. We’re gonna need to find an agency to help us through it from what I’ve read.”

Jared nods. “From the research I’ve made, gay couples actually tend to take in the kids others don’t seem to want. And yet, a lot of people are against LGBT adoptions. I just don’t get it. They’d rather a kid stay in the system instead of having a loving family and a future just because it’s not a ‘traditional’ family. It sucks.” Jared stays silent for a moment, lost in his own thoughts before speaking again. “I mean, if my own mother had died when I was a child, I’d have ended up in the system since I don’t have any extended family. And I know I wouldn’t mind being adopted by a non-traditional couple, or even a single parent, if that meant I’d get to have a family. Sadly not everyone agrees with that way of thinking. Thankfully my mom was here long enough to, you know, watch me growing up.”

Jared suddenly gets emotional recalling his own mother, he tries not to think about her often since it still makes him sad. He just wonders what she would think of him if she were still here. She died when he was twenty while they still lived in Texas. Sherri didn’t see Jared become a firefighter, she never saw him in a wheelchair, never met Jensen, never saw Jared become a Paralympic champion. Jared wishes she could still be here of course, even if he knows it would be hard for her to see him in the chair.

Apparently Jensen can read his mind, because his husband comes closer and plants a sweet kiss on Jared’s temple. “I wish I had known her, Jay. She must have been an amazing woman based on how you were raised. But I’m absolutely positive she’s watching you, and you bet she’s so damn proud of the man you’ve become. I have no doubts about that. And let’s not forget that her rosary has helped us on more than one occasion. She’s always watching over us and will help us get our child. You’ll see. I think she’s our guardian angel.”

Jared smiles as a tear rolls down the side of his face and he wraps his arms around Jensen, bringing him down for a tight hug which his husband instantly reciprocates. Jared feels more than ready for the new path ahead of them. And after everything they’ve already been through, he just knows they can conquer anything.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm back to my beloved September Verse. Some of you may know that last week I finally posted my new Big Bang, a story that was born way before this verse but was hidden in my drafts, and I finally brought to life. It was a joy to write it and even more to post it, another collab with my incredible artist Kelly, which is also my artist here, and I've been so excited with the comments I've been getting in it (some of you guys that follow this story also left comments there and I appreciate it so much, thanks for reading my new story!) If you haven't seen it, here's the link to my fic [Steal Me With a Sinful Swoon](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14664927/) :)
> 
> But now, it's over and time to return to my favorite verse. I've been away from it for a while but now I'm back to writing it full force! I love this chapter because it's the boys finally getting back on track after the huge storm in their lives, I wanted for them to celebrate Jensen's health in a nice way, and also wanted to bring them back to Central Park in a similar scene from the first fic because it means a lot to them. 
> 
> The scene where they talk about Jared being pregnant is actually a tribute to another fic. There's a WIP that I have been following for almost four years, an mpreg which also features a paraplegic Jared and he becomes pregnant with Jensen's baby. I used not to like mpreg but the good written ones grew on me over time, and I love this one. It was one of the fics that inspired me to write this verse, so I wanted to make a small mention about it, a different reality where Jared could get pregnant. The story is called [Earning a Miracle](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1220830) by ObsidianRomance, It's not finished yet but it's an AWESOME story. 
> 
> Anyway, I really hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and as usual please if you can spare some time to let me know what you think!
> 
> PS: Kellan is Kellan Lutz because I love him!


	18. Chapter 18

_**Jared** _

Jared and Jensen spend the next few weeks doing intense research on the adoption process, and they learn it’s definitely not easy, as they’ve already imagined. There are a thousand of steps and Jared actually begins to dread it. He spends hours reading websites and forums to try and understand it a bit better. They know they need to start contacting agencies, and they’re trying to find the courage to do it. Jared also knows they have some things working “against” them that will make it much more difficult depending on the agency they choose. The fact that they are a gay couple, that Jared is disabled and also that Jensen just went through a serious illness will all weigh in on a decision from any agency. Jared wonders to what extent those details can be an issue. He hopes they find an agency to work with that accepts them as they are, seeing their true hearts in just wanting to expand their family.

As they move forward in preparation for that day, their lives go on, thankfully returning to normal bit by bit. Jared undergoes a complete check-up to ensure everything is good with his health at Jensen’s request. With Jensen having survived his own recent battle, he wants to make sure Jared is okay as well since they were both survivors of 9/11. Even if it’s much less likely that Jared could develop some disease related to that horrible day since he wasn’t directly exposed to the heavy dust like Jensen was - Chad carried his unconscious body away from the site before the South Tower collapsed - Jensen has asked him to do it nonetheless, just to ease his mind. And since it has been quite a while since Jared has had a full check-up, he agrees. Thankfully, his tests come out just fine, the only thing spotted in his X-rays were the old injury to his spine and the titanium plate inserted there to hold it together. Jensen made them an intimate dinner to celebrate, relief clear as day on his face. Jared had argued such a fancy meal wasn’t necessary but Jensen won, saying that their health is always a reason to celebrate. Jared had no arguments to counter that given their shared history.

Jared is in his office at work when there’s a knock on the door. He looks up from his computer to find Kellan standing there. Jared welcomes him with a smile and motions for him to come inside and have a seat.

“Hey Kel, what’s up?” Jared asks as his friend sits down across from him.

“Hey Jare, just thought I’d stop by to see how you and that boy of yours are doing.”

Jared chuckles. “Jen is fine, he’s recovering wonderfully and life is returning to normal. I couldn’t be more thankful. And _I_ couldn’t be better since it all ended well.” Kellan nods in understanding before suddenly blushing and looking down. Jared frowns. “What’s up with you?”

Kellan shrugs and looks up again. “Well, I actually came here to thank you for inviting me to Jensen’s party. Justin and I...well, we’re a thing now.”

Jared’s eyes become as wide as saucers at the news. “What? Seriously? You’re really dating Justin?”

Jared remembers seeing them talk at the party but hadn’t actually given it too much thought, he’d been focused on Jensen having a good time and feeling the love that was there for him. He’d met Kellan a few times at work after his return to the office and also exchanged a few texts with Justin since then, but neither had mentioned the other so Jared assumed nothing had come out of it. Apparently he was dead wrong.

“I am,” Kellan nods as a shy smile spreads across his face. “We started talking that night and actually hit it off. We decided to take it slow and keep it to ourselves to see where it might go, but now we’re serious. So we’ve decided it’s time to make it official and tell everyone.”

Jared tries to quickly decide how he feels about that. Justin has indeed changed from the guy he was years ago; however Jared still worries Kellan could end up being hurt. He wants to know how much Kellan knows about the past and tries to decide the best way to bring the subject up.

“That’s great news Kel, I’m very happy for you guys. And I don’t know how to bring this up. Do you, hm… do you know that Justin and I met a long time ago?”

Kellan nods, suddenly turning serious. “Yes, I actually know all about what happened between you two - Justin didn’t want to hold anything back from me. I know you dated and that he dumped you before you were injured, also that he went to the hospital to see you after 9/11 and how that turned out. He told me he was directly and indirectly responsible for a lot of your insecurities and mental anguish. He let me know you two had met again recently through his work during Jensen’s ordeal and had a good open talk. Jared, I’m so glad that you listened and gave him a chance for friendship. I could see as he told me all of this that he deeply regrets his actions. I decided to only tell him about my own disability at the end of our first official date. I wanted for him to get to know me, the real me, before knowing that. You know how some folks tend to get awkward around people like us. He took it well, said it made no difference to how he felt about me. Then he told me about what happened between you guys. I can see he cares a lot about you, and that he truly has changed. I hope you know how much he admires you.”

Jared notices Kellan doesn’t say the last part with jealousy, he’s just stating a fact. He nods silently in understanding. “Yeah well, from our talks I’ve seen that Justin has matured quite a bit. It is important for me to know that he regrets his actions from the past but also that they’ve helped steer him into growing better as a person over time. Justin is a nice guy and he deserves to find someone to make him happy. And I’m glad that indirectly I was responsible for that - I really wish you both the best, you make a great couple. From the way you talk about him, you’re already a goner.” He states that last part with a twinkle in his eye and a smile at his friend.

Kellan blushes again. “Well, what can I say? I can’t resist a pretty face!” Both of them laugh and Kellan goes on. “Also I was wondering if you and Jensen would be up for dinner at my place? Justin and I wanted to ask you guys to a double date since it was actually because of you both that we met. I’ll cook something extra special, what do you say?”

Jared smiles. “I’m gonna talk to Jen first but I’m sure he will say yes. I’d love to.”

Later that evening, Jensen agrees to the dinner and is very (pleasantly) surprised when Jared tells him that Kellan and Justin are an item. Even if Jensen will never admit it, Jared has a feeling that his husband is relieved to know Justin is taken, not that he would _ever_ be a threat to Jensen. However his husband has always been more than a little possessive of Jared and jealous of anyone interested in him, so the news is a good thing.

Dinner is a smashing success on all counts. Kellan cooks a fantastic meal for them, and after eating they spend a good couple of hours just hanging out. Jared and Kellan tell a lot of stories about their competition days, making everyone laugh. Justin talks more in depth about his path to become a nurse; Jensen and Jared share a good bit about their own post 9/11 journeys and even the organization they have for survivors and relatives. When it’s time to go and both of them get settled in Jensen’s car - he’s now driving again - Jared turns to his husband.

“So...what did you think?”

Jensen smiles in response. “It was fun. I can tell they have a great bond together and I see potential there.”

Jared pinches Jensen’s cheek playfully. “And you can stop being jealous of Justin now. He’s taken.”

Jensen gasps, trying to look offended but Jared just gives him a pointed look. “Baby, please. I know you better than you know yourself. Don’t even bother.”

Jensen rolls his eyes. “Fine! As usual, _maybe_ you’re right. But just a tiny, very little bit. But more importantly, I’m happy for them. I think we have a new couple to hang out with. They’re not _that_ bad.”

Jared laughs and leans in for a kiss. He wouldn’t change a thing about Jensen.

*

Jared and Jensen end up deciding to consult with an adoption lawyer to help them with the entire process. They’re hoping Mr. Edlund can start to guide them through the many steps as painlessly as possible when they go to meet with him. He welcomes them into his office and after the greetings and introductions all of them get settled. Jared and Jensen sit across from him, holding hands and trying to be calm. Jared tells him a bit about them and what they are looking for.

“We want to have a child of our own. We believe it’s time to build our family, especially after what we just went through recently with Jensen’s illness. Jen and I have talked about this for a while and we would like to adopt an older child, maybe a toddler. We know those kids are harder to place than a newborn, and we have so much love to give a child a chance at a family. We’re also aware that some factors may work against us at first glance; not everybody is comfortable with a gay couple adopting, and there’s also my disability which may be an issue to some. We are willing to prove our worthiness as parents and our research showed us that you’re the person that can help us make this dream come true, Mr. Edlund.”

Mr. Edlund nods and addresses them both openly and honestly. “It’s good that you’re wanting an older child, not everybody feels that way. Most wanting to adopt are only interested in babies, and that’s a much longer process. You’ve done your research so you know that, what you may not know is that private agencies work with connecting the adoptive parents to the birth mothers. That means a woman who wants to give her child up for adoption chooses the couple - or a single parent - from an agency’s list of able adopters. Since you would like an older child, your path lies in adopting one from the foster system. But may I make a suggestion to both of you?” The attorney looks at them in turn, continuing when he gets affirmative nods. “You should consider fostering before outright adoption.” Seeing confusion on their faces, he explains further. “Fostering is welcoming a child who isn’t able to stay with their parents or guardians for any number of reasons, and they are in need of a temporary home. It allows the child to still be immersed into a family structure that is encouraging and positive rather than being placed into a group home situation. That may be a good opportunity for you both to see how you would handle having a child on a day to day basis, getting used to the idea. If your goal is to help a child in need, fostering is a great way to do that.”

Jared looks at Jensen, who is looking back at him, unspoken questions flying between them. They don’t know much about the fostering process - they’d really only focused on adoption, so Jared addresses the attorney again. “What is involved in the process to foster a child?”

Mr. Edlund leans forward, propping his elbows on the desk and linking his fingers. “Well, first you would have to fill out an application. It goes a bit more into information about yourselves, your home, why you would like to foster a child. You can also specify if you prefer an infant, toddler, school aged child or even a teenager. After submitting the application, there are a few orientation classes, where you can get to know the whole process in depth and ask all the questions you may have on specific concerns. A social worker will come to your house for a home study which is basically making sure your home is safe and ready to welcome a child. Then, after all of this is completed, a child is assigned to you for fostering. This process is faster than waiting to be chosen by a biological mother for outright adoption, which as you know can take months or even years, as there are many children in the foster care system due to a myriad of circumstances. As you said earlier Jared, some factors may really work against you in an outright adoption. Some mothers may not want their child to be raised by a gay couple, or they may have a prejudice with a disabled parent, or both. Unfortunately, that’s how it is. However in fostering, those factors are not taken into consideration as the system is state-certified and not private. Jared, due to your disability all that is needed is a form filled out by your doctor stating that you’re physically capable of taking care of a child. You will also need to answer extra questions about your abilities, adaptations - basically your daily life and if your disability could be an issue in any way that would incapacitate you. I am sure you will be fine; many prospective parents have some sort of disability and are extremely capable to adopt or foster. It’s not a difficult obstacle. The fact that you are a gay couple is not taken into consideration through the courts so don’t worry about that.”

Jared lets out a deep breath at that, feeling suddenly less worried than when they’d begun. Mr. Edlund goes on. “It is highly encouraged that you foster before you adopt so you can get used to being in a parental mindset and know more about what to expect. Some foster parents even end up adopting the child they foster. However, I must stress also that there _are_ situations where the children are reunited with their biological parents, close relative or guardian, so it’s also important to learn how to let go. Each case is singular.” He reaches into his drawer and comes out with several folders, handing them to Jared and Jensen. “Here is more information about fostering and the many aspects involved. Why don’t you both go home, talk about it, and do more research on the matter to see how you feel about the idea. I’m always available to answer any questions you may have.”

Both Jared and Jensen thank the lawyer before leaving the office, their heads spinning. They decide to have lunch at The Olive Garden and wrap this new information around them as they enjoy their love of pasta. They keep quiet on the ride there, Jensen driving and Jared starting to read through the folder contents. Once they get settled at their table in the restaurant and the waiter leaves them after collecting their orders, Jared looks at his husband.

“What do you think about the fostering idea, Jen?”

Jensen thinks for a few moments before answering, playing with his napkin. When he finally looks up, he has a small smile on his face. “I think it’s actually a great idea. I had read a little about fostering when we first started research - it can be a great thing to do for a child. I mean, helping children who have been neglected by their parents, or abused or whatever. I know it’s not easy in the slightest. But I think we are ready for this. We are strong enough for this. And like Mr. Edlund said, it’s almost like a test to see how we handle it - a reality check of sorts. And I believe that’s very important, getting immersed that way. The more I think about it, the more I believe it’s the best thing to do. For us, anyway. What about you, baby?”

Jared smiles back at Jensen, feeling lighter. “I think it’s perfect. Just skimming the information he gave us combined with what he told us, I feel this is what we really should do. When we get home, we can do more in depth research on it and hopefully start the process.”

The waiter brings glasses of water for them, and an impromptu toast is made. “For the best foster parents in the world,” Jensen says as they take sips of their water.

*

With Mr. Edlund’s help, they find a foster agency they’re comfortable with and set up an initial meeting so they can get to know the process better before applying, and also have a chance to ask any questions they have. Jared feels good about that, the more they learn now the less daunting their dream becomes. The meeting is scheduled for two days from now, and both Jared and Jensen are anxious. They’ve decided not to tell anyone what they’re planning yet; they want to see how this step goes, and then if they even get accepted. More importantly, it’s their thing - a dream that will hopefully turn into reality soon, and for now they want to keep it to themselves.

The day of the meeting arrives and they ride in anxious silence to the agency, Jensen driving with one hand while holding Jared’s with his free one. Jared’s mind is going a mile a minute and he’s certain Jensen feels the same. When they arrive, they’re welcomed by a woman named Carol, who directs them to a small conference room. Soon, another couple and a woman join them. Carol returns, introduces herself properly, and asks everyone to share their names before starting to explain the whole fostering process. She goes over what it means to foster, how they apply, how the system works, what’s expected from the foster parents, and most importantly, their duties and role in the child’s life. She stresses that it’s very important to know that at any moment, the child or children may be returned to their birth parents or guardians if they’re granted custody, so saying goodbye and being able to let go is a huge part of the process. She tells them that foster parents are a very important part of a working team, and its biggest interest is the well-being of the child. When Carol breaks for questions, Jared is the first to raise his hand and he smiles shyly as everyone looks expectantly at him.

“Well… our adoption lawyer briefly told us this already but I’d like to know more since it directly concerns me. I’m obviously disabled, and I want to know what extra steps we’re gonna have to go through to make sure we are approved as foster parents. I know I can be a foster parent even if I have a disability but I know it must be a bit more complicated than me just saying so.”

Carol smiles at him. “Well Jared, you’re right when you say that people with disabilities can foster. The state just needs to make sure you’re physically able to care for the child. Your limitations would only be taken into consideration if they affect your ability to provide adequate care to the child placed in your custody. You will need to be formally evaluated by a doctor who will then submit a standard report about your condition, with his or her recommendation that you are fit and able to foster. There will also be some questions when the social worker visits your house during the home study - they vary a bit from case to case, but are set up based on the doctor’s report and our standard evaluation. I would ask that you don’t worry too much on this point - we have a number of foster parents with different disabilities, including paraplegics, who are excellent at caring for the children placed in their care. It’s pretty common, actually.”

Jared smiles in relief as Jensen squeezes his hand. He feels better now, hearing from the agency itself that after a medical evaluation (that he knows he’ll pass) he can be cleared to apply. Jared and Jensen leave the meeting about half an hour later with the application forms, feeling way more confident. This is going to happen for them, they feel more certain of it with every step.

*

Both of them sit down at their dining room table to fill the application. Jensen writes down their personal information, including Jared’s disability and answers several more general items about them. Then come the more specific questions such as: do they have any experience with children - Jensen mentions his nephews, and also J.D. and Anne, who they’ve watched on more than one occasion over the years, commenting that they are also the inspiration as to why they wish to become foster parents. Then, they are asked to describe what kind of children they would like to welcome in their home. Jared and Jensen stare at each other for a few moments as they think about it. Sure, they’ve had some serious thoughts about it but hadn’t discussed in depth this particular question, happy enough that they would be granted any child to care for.

“Well…” Jared starts. “I think it would be better for us to have a child on the younger end of the spectrum - but not a baby, as we’ve agreed. Let’s say from a toddler to about five or six years old.”

Jensen nods in agreement as he writes the information down. “What about ethnicity? We don’t care about that, right?”

Jared shakes his head. “‘Course not.”

“Are we willing to take in siblings?” Jensen looks at Jared with his eyebrows raised. That’s a big question.

Jared thinks it over for a few moments. “Well. We _could_ take in two children. We have the space and the wherewithal to do so. Most certainly we have the love. I’m guessing most people would not want to take a set of siblings and it’s awful to separate them if they didn’t absolutely have to. I wouldn’t mind having an extra kid but what are your thoughts? If you think it’s better for us to only take in one child as we originally discussed, it’s fine with me.”

Jensen gets up and goes to the kitchen to get water for them, and to allow himself some time to really think about the idea. Jared patiently waits for his husband to come back and decide. When Jensen sits down again, he nods. “Yeah, okay. I hadn’t really given much thought to more than one kid but it could be great, I think. Siblings, yeah. That could be good, baby. I’m in for two kids.”

Jared smiles and squeezes Jensen’s forearm as he writes it down.

Jensen asks the next question softly with an eyebrow raised and a pointed look at Jared. “Disabilities?”

Jared swallows hard as he thinks about it. Would they be able to properly care for a disabled child? That’s a really big undertaking. Suddenly a bit unsure of himself, he defers to his husband. “What do you think, Jen?”

Jensen shrugs, keeping his eyes on Jared and subtly gauging his reactions. “Well, I think it would be okay if the child has a disability. I mean, we kind of have experience and are familiarized with it, and also we have an adapted home. We’re more prepared than most on that front. Which gives us an advantage of sorts. I wouldn’t mind. What about you, baby? Would you be okay with it?”

Jared nods slowly as he considers the matter, letting everything Jensen said sink in. His bout of nerves over the question dissipates as he reflects on what Jensen said. They _do_ have experience already, in ways others can’t even hold a candle to. “Yeah… I think it would be ok. But maybe it’s better if we clarify that we would prefer a child with no more than a mild disability, at least at first to see how we would handle it.”

Jensen smiles adoringly at his husband as he writes that down. “Perfect.”

Once they’ve finished the application, it’s time for their next step. They invite Jensen’s parents for dinner so they can talk about it with them, as they would play an important part in the children’s care. Donna and Alan are overjoyed at the news. It’s no secret that Donna always wanted the boys to find a way to give her a grandchild, even though she never pushed them. Of course, they remember to explain that fostering doesn’t equal having an actual child, they are only providing a temporary home for someone, however it is a great step towards having their own child someday, and Donna and Alan are quick to understand that. Jared and Jensen want to include them in the family dynamic, knowing they would need to help with the care of the child - or children - since both of them have full time jobs. Even though the child would spend a good amount of the day at daycare or school, they would need to be watched until either man was home from work. Jensen’s parents promptly say they are happy to help in every way they are needed, which is a major relief to Jared. They are a team as well, after all, the saying that it takes a village isn’t wrong. Jensen asks them to fill out a Foster Parent Reference Form so they can submit it along with the application, smiling at Jared. Another step completed.

Next, they talk to Becca and David and then Chad and Danni, also asking them to fill out the reference form since both Jared and Jensen have actively participated in their children’s lives. Chris is given a form too so he can give his own positive input, having known them for so long. Their friends are very excited about the fostering opportunity and offer to help in any way possible, which warms Jared’s heart.

Jared visits his doctor to request a formal evaluation and report deeming him fit to care for a child. Everything goes as expected and in a few days, Jared has a copy of the report that he can’t stop smiling over.

Almost two weeks later, they double check that they have everything filled out correctly and all attachments needed, then submit the application packet to the agency. As part of the background investigation, they are required to have their fingerprints taken so their criminal records can be checked, which they do onsite before they leave. A calendar of scheduled events is provided to them as they are also required to attend a few more orientation meetings, both in group and in private.

They need to wait for a few weeks to find out whether or not they’re approved for the home study. When the call confirming they’ve been approved comes, both Jared and Jensen get emotional, it’s one step closer to their goal. Of course this brings more concerns to them both, even though they have a nice house it’s hard not to worry that they won’t be accepted for some reason. A social worker named Heather is assigned to them, to complete the home study and make sure their house and also Jared and Jensen themselves are ready to foster. On her first visit they are very nervous, not really knowing what to expect. Heather puts them more at ease up front by explaining she is not there to nitpick or pass personal judgement, only to make sure their house is a safe place for a child, going by the state and agency checklist.

She sits down to have a long talk with Jared and Jensen together, learning more about them and their background. Even though much of the information was provided in the application, getting to talk to her in a face to face environment allows them both the chance to truly share with her their dream, and give more personal answers to the questions. They briefly tell her their story, how they met just before September 11th of 2001, how they both were at the WTC that day and how Jared became a paraplegic while trying to rescue others. They share how they grew closer and closer after what happened, how they helped each other recover and find new paths in life. Jensen starts to go into detail about Jared being a former paralympic athlete when Heather says she knew that already and blushes faintly. Jared speaks about Jensen’s work in the law firm before relaying the information on how recently Jensen fought cancer and is now in remission. Heather asks them about their family and friends, the children they are close with and if she can also contact some of them for references. She asks why they want to foster and what their expectations about fostering one or more children are before discretely moving into wanting to know more about the depth of Jared’s disability as it relates to day to day life. He shows her that he’s perfectly able to care for a child by using Jensen as a physical example of his strength. He gently reminds her that since he’s been paralyzed for so many years, he has more than adequately learned to live and adapt just fine, not letting anything stop him from his goals.

They proceed to show Heather around the house, showcasing how Jared navigates with ease. As they move through, Jensen speaks on their thoughts for the two spare rooms they have - which now are used for guests - that will be turned into a bedroom for the child - or children - if they get approved. They also show their well maintained backyard and of course introduce her to Harley, who thankfully is on his best behavior. They make sure to add that he loves children and is used to having them around thanks to the ones in their lives already that visit often.

Once Heather leaves, they sit down on the couch and let out a simultaneous deep breath.

“I think she likes us,” Jared says as Jensen wraps an arm around his shoulders and brings him closer, planting a kiss on his husband’s temple.

“She would be crazy not to.”

*

Heather visits Jared and Jensen’s home a few more times at random intervals to catch them “as is” in their natural environment. She also schedules meetings with them together and individually to prepare and train them to be effective in their role as foster parents. She interviews Jensen’s parents, who will be an active part in helping taking care of the children, and also with Becky and Chad. Chad tells Heather - with pictures - how Jared and Jensen have helped watching Anne ever since she was a little baby, including how Jared often takes care of her by himself and does a great job. Chad makes sure that Heather knows he trusts his daughter to Jared and Jensen’s care - together or individually - at any time. Both Jared and Jensen thank him profusely many times after the social worker leaves.

Heather helps them understand better their rights and responsibilities in the process, what leads a child to be placed in foster care and then into a home, what are they required to do and how to act in several situations and so on. Jared and Jensen get in touch with other local foster parents so they can also hear from their learned wisdom, and they listen to many different experiences. They also have meetings with other prospective foster parents so they can share their expectations and build a support group for themselves.

The home study goes on for almost two months, and when it’s over both Jared and Jensen find themselves left anxious, stressed and drained. The process was long and exhausting, leaving them feeling uncertain about their odds but trying to stay positive and focus on their dream. One more checkpoint now completed, the hardest part yet to come - seeing if they will be approved for foster care. The whole thing is taking its toll on them both mentally, which often leads to physical problems, and Jared is especially worried about Jensen since not too long ago his husband faced a serious illness.

A few days after finishing the home study, Jared notices Jensen doesn’t look very good. After returning from work he finds his husband on the couch, looking pale and worn out, which puts Jared instantly on alert.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Jared asks as he joins him on the couch, Jensen giving him a tired smile.

“Nothing to worry over, I’m probably just catching a cold or something. My immune system is still not completely built back up after all those chemo treatments and well, we knew having a part of my lung removed could leave me more prone to getting sick.”

Jared lifts an eyebrow in concern, he doesn’t like the sound of that even if Jensen thinks it’s only a simple cold. “Are you serious, Jen? Don’t you want to go to the hospital to make sure?”

Jensen kisses the back of Jared’s hand and squeezes it reassuringly. “I’ll tell you what. I’m gonna take something and see if it goes away, ok? If I still feel sick after a couple of days, I promise I’ll go to the hospital. Deal?”

Jared sighs. If it was up to him they would be on their way there already, but he trusts Jensen and he doesn’t want to become a mother hen. So he nods. “Fine. But if you feel worse at any time, we’re _going_.”

*

Jensen doesn’t get better during the next day, instead he complains about having a headache and feeling more fatigued than usual, and Jared is sure something more than a cold is to blame. He tries to get Jensen to go to the hospital again, but his husband brushes him off.

“It’s fine Jay, colds are like this. Look, if I’m not any better by tomorrow morning then I’ll let you take me to the hospital, how does that sound?”

Jared rolls his eyes. “Fine! But tomorrow morning is the deadline, you hear me?”

Jensen mock salutes Jared. “Sir, yes sir!”

Jensen refuses dinner that night, claiming he isn’t very hungry. They go to bed earlier at Jared’s insistence so that Jensen can get proper rest. After giving Jensen some over-the-counter pills and going through their nightly routine, they say good night and fall asleep with Jensen cuddling against Jared, who silently prays for his husband to be feeling better in the morning.

Jared is woken up out of a deep slumber by someone shaking him, and for a few moments he doesn’t know where he is as his disorientation wears off.

“Jay…” Jensen’s voice is a faint whisper and Jared’s eyes pop open at the hushed sound. It’s still dark outside, definitely not time to wake up yet. Jared hears a wretched cough and his adrenaline kicks in as he goes into alert mode. He sits up immediately, turning on the bedside lamp. He blinks a few times so his eyes can adjust to the sudden light, and when he finally focuses on Jensen his heart stops. His husband’s skin is flushed, he’s sweating profusely and his breathing is nothing but harsh wheezes. Jared places both hands on Jensen’s face and realizes he’s burning up. He speaks in a desperate voice.

“Jensen, what’s wrong? What are you feeling, baby?”

Jensen opens his mouth to speak but a coughing fit comes out instead, and Jensen puts a hand on his chest as Jared has flashbacks to the beginning of Jensen’s cancer. “It…” Jensen starts then stops, trying to get his breathing under control. “It hurts Jay, my chest hurts when I cough, my head hurts, I think I have a fever, I’m so cold and…” Jensen stops talking to start coughing again, and Jared springs into action.

“We’re going to the hospital right now.” He gently lets go of Jensen to quickly transfer to his wheelchair, picking up a t-shirt and sweatpants - which are the quickest to put on - from his dresser and gets himself ready as fast as he can manage. Jensen already has sweatpants on since he was feeling cold when they went to bed, and Jared gives him a fresh t-shirt to change into because the one he is wearing is soaked in sweat. Jared also grabs a thick coat for Jensen from the closet and a blanket from the couch. After making sure Jensen has his shoes on, Jared grabs his own coat and ushers Jensen to the car. His husband holds onto him shakily as they get outside, and Jared guides him around to the passenger door, making sure Jensen is buckled up, wrapping the blanket around his shivering body. He quickly wheels to the driver’s side and transfers to the seat, stowing his chair behind him.

Jared makes it to the hospital as fast as he can, breaking a few traffic rules along the way but he honestly doesn’t care. Jensen stays quiet during the ride, keeping his eyes closed. Jared holds his hand, very aware of how unnaturally warm and clammy his skin is. Jensen has deep bouts of coughing from time to time, and Jared feels a stab in his own heart every time it happens. When they finally arrive, Jared parks in a handicap spot close to the emergency entrance, ordering Jensen to stay in the car. He quickly assembles his chair and gets into it, wheeling inside and heading to the reception desk where he lets the woman there know his husband is in the car with a high fever, strong coughs and intense pain, unable to walk in on his own. She calls for an attendant to go get Jensen, and the guy rushes outside with a wheelchair. Jared leads him to the car and opens the door, finding Jensen hunched over because of another coughing fit. The attendant waits for it to be over while Jared anxiously tells him that Jensen had cancer recently and went through surgery to remove part of his lung. Then the guy helps Jensen into the wheelchair, quickly leading him inside to begin triage. Jared closes the car door and tries to keep up with them but he stays behind as Jensen is wheeled into an assessment area he can’t follow. A nearby nurse tells him he can’t go any further, and he turns back to the reception desk to begin filling out the paperwork that he knows is waiting.

Half an hour later Jared sits alone in the empty waiting room. Now that the rush of adrenaline is fading away and Jensen can’t see him, Jared breaks down. What is happening with Jensen? What if the cancer is back? Even worse, what if it has spread to other parts of his body? What if they have to start this all over again? Jared knows that when a cancer comes back, it’s usually more aggressive and more often than not it’s fatal. He thought that nightmare was over, Jensen was in remission, they had won that battle. They were in the process of becoming foster parents, of their dream to build a family coming true. He can’t help but think everything is crashing down. Berating himself, he feels guilt over not having brought Jensen to the hospital sooner. He should have done something, _anything_ to prevent this. How much more will they have to endure?

Tears stream down his cheeks as he looks around with glassy eyes, barely taking in what’s in front of him, the world a blur as the only thought on his mind loops over and over: is he really losing Jensen after believing everything was fine?

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! It's Jared's birthday today so what a great day to post a new chapter! Things have been kinda crazy for the past days, it was my birthday as well, I turned 30 on June 30th and had a Disney themed party lolll (Jared an I share the same zodiac sign awww)
> 
> anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed my chapter! I love to be finally able to get into the adoption process which was the original idea for this story (which would be only a timestamp and now has reached over 100k - I reached that mark this week!). Lol I remember when I first started planning Wake me up when september ends, I literally thought it wouldn't go over 50k, I used to think like "I don't have so much to tell as I did with The love that remains." Jump to almost 2 years later and I have not one but TWO stories that go over 100k EACH. And also timestamps. how did this happen????? these boys tell their own story!
> 
> and also I hope you were aware that the angst wasn't quite over because well, I'm me and you know me. I know some of you were hoping that there was more angst and since I'm so kind, I'm giving you all! I need to say that you actually have to blame my beta Heather for this because it was her idea in the first place. I was going easier on them! I would like to talk more about the adoption but I don't want to give anything away since that part is obviously a surprise. Which kid (or kids) would you guys imagine the boys would adopt (or foster)? I had this image in my head ever since my artist came up with the idea, and I knew exactly which kid(s) I'd give them. I made some changes here and there but I have something special planned! Hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> And more importantly, what do you think is going on with Jensen now?? give me your input! thank again for reading it and as usual if you can spare some time, leave me a nice comment!
> 
> PS: next chapter may take a little longer to come since I’ll be going on vacation in August (eurotrip yayyy) so I ask for a bit more of patience :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter - wait for it!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTb9GNIxpMk)

__

_**Jared** _

Jared spends about an hour trying to pull himself together, enough to stop the tears from falling, his brow in a constant furrowed state of worry. He wonders if he should call anyone, at least Jensen’s parents, let them know what’s happening. Jared goes back to the car to retrieve his phone - in the rush of getting Jensen help he’d left it behind. When he checks it, he realizes it’s a little past 3am and anyone he’d call would surely be sleeping. Jared thinks for a while in the deserted waiting room, it’s a hard decision but he ends up deciding to wait. He doesn’t know exactly what’s happening yet, so it would be better to not freak everybody out until he has some answers. Once he finds out what’s going on with Jensen, he will call their loved ones.

Sitting in his chair, he fidgets, unable to relax. His mind is running non-stop and he feels lost, adrift on a sea of thoughts that seem to only focus on the worst. He really wants to give in and call Chad, but his friend has a lot on his plate right now himself. He’s been working hard towards a promotion with extra hours on the job, and had told Jared earlier that Anne’s been sick for the past couple of days, so Jared knows Chad is exhausted. The last thing he wants is to wake his friend up in the wee hours of the morning to just sit on a hard hospital chair to wait with him. Suddenly Jared has an idea and he fires off a text to Justin, hoping he’s working tonight. He decides not to call because if Justin isn’t working, he would probably be sleeping.

The answer comes just a couple minutes later. _Yeah, I’m working. What’s wrong?_

Jared replies right away. _Brought Jensen in, he was feeling very sick and weak. Dunno what’s happening, they took him and I’m waiting for news._

Justin answers not even a minute later. _I’ll be right down._

Jared lets out a relieved breath he’d not been aware he was holding. At least won’t be completely alone, and that will help him immensely. Justin walks into the waiting room a few minutes later, and when he spots Jared he quickly moves towards him, leaning over to give a one-armed hug of comfort before sitting down in front of him.

“Hey Jared, what happened with Jensen? I thought he was doing fine?”

Jared swallows hard and tries to find his voice to answer Justin. “Thanks for coming, I’m sorry to disturb you at work, Justin. Jensen’s been feeling kinda off for the past couple of days, and tonight he woke up coughing profusely. He had a high fever and was breathing erratically, complaining about chest pain. So I brought him in right away, but haven’t heard from anyone yet on what’s going on and I’m terrified they will tell me the cancer has returned.”

Jared feels his eyes welling up again as he says it out loud. He doesn’t want to cry in front of Justin but he just can’t help it, the mere idea is too devastating. Jensen is his entire world.

Justin thinks quietly for a few moments, looking over at his friend, taking in the state of mind Jared is obviously in. Then he places a gentle hand on Jared’s shoulder, squeezing lightly.

“I can’t give any insight because I don’t know for sure what’s happening with Jensen. But I’ll see if I can find out anything and report back, okay?”

Jared lets out another bated breath, relieved with Justin’s offer to help. “I really appreciate it Justin, thank you so much.”

Justin nods and gets up, going through the same set of doors that they took Jensen through hours earlier. Jared waits in silence, looking down at his hands and trying to keep his mind off the worst case scenario, failing miserably. Justin returns about twenty minutes later, sitting back down in front of Jared again.

“Sorry Jared, I wasn’t able to find out much. Jensen is still undergoing tests to determine what’s wrong and if there’s any indication that the cancer has indeed come back. Try not to think too hard about that for now though, ok - there are other more likely possibilities as to what’s going on with Jensen and the doctor will come talk to you as soon as they have results and some answers.”

Jared nods slowly, fighting the wave of anxiousness that built on Justin’s words. He had hoped Justin would be able to tell him _something_ but knows logically this isn’t really his area and there’s only so much he can do to help. “Thanks Justin, for trying anyway.”

Justin watches as Jared tries to regulate his breathing, offering a tissue to let him wipe his face. “Do you want to go to the cafeteria and get a coffee or something? It’s still gonna be a while and if anyone comes looking for you, they will let me know.”

A part of Jared doesn’t want to go, he wants to stay and wait to find out what’s happening with Jensen, but he knows Justin is right, these things take time. So he agrees to go, just so he can take his mind off things while he waits. Both men head to the cafeteria and Justin grabs them both coffee as Jared chooses a table.

Jared gives a small smile in thanks as Justin sits down and hands him a cup. “Man, I’m sorry I bothered you like that. Are you sure you aren’t getting in trouble? I mean, you’re on the clock right now.”

Justin shrugs. “It’s fine, it’s been quiet today and I was actually resting. If there’s any emergencies they will beep me, don’t worry.”

Jared focuses on his coffee cup, trying to keep his emotions at bay. “I just don’t understand why life tests us so very much. How much more shit are we gonna have to take? It was over Justin, Jensen was in remission and everything was back on track for us, why is he sick again? I mean, I try to be strong but there’s a limit, you know? I don’t know how much more I can take before I break.”

Justin looks at Jared in silence for a while before speaking, weighing his word choices and giving his friend time to compose himself again. “I’m sorry you guys have to deal with so much Jared, it really sucks and you don’t deserve it. Life can be a true bitch sometimes. But let’s just wait for now and see what the doctor says. It may be just a residual complication from the surgery and treatment, given Jensen’s weaker immune system. It may have to do with the cancer or it may be something else entirely different - and entirely treatable, so don’t draw any conclusions just yet. The waiting is awful but I promise they’re attending to Jensen and giving him the best care.”

Jared doesn’t answer right away, taking slow sips of his coffee. When he speaks, he keeps staring at his cup, his voice soft. “We are trying to become foster parents. We felt like it was time to adopt a kid and expand our family. We learned more about fostering, and decided to go for it. Even though it’s been a lot of hard work up front we’ve been really excited about the idea, and just completed the home study. We’re waiting to know whether or not we were approved. It really felt like starting a new chapter and now this happens and…” Jared chokes, his voice failing as his eyes well up again. Justin reaches over and squeezes his forearm.

“That’s great Jared, I’m happy for you guys. And I’m positive you will get approved and have the chance to foster a child. You both will make awesome parents, I have no doubt.”

Jared gives a small smile, holding on to the joy he feels in thinking about their new adventure. “Thank you, Justin. What about you and Kellan? From what he says things are going well for you guys.”

Justin grins at the mention of his boyfriend and starts rambling, realizing that’s what Jared needs right now, mindless chatter. They talk for a little while and eventually return to the waiting room. Justin tells Jared he needs to go check on his patients, but asks Jared to call or text him if he needs anything, promising to come back when he has a chance. Jared thanks Justin for his time and settles in to wait again. He chooses to transfer to an armchair for a change of position and tries to read a few magazines, but he just can’t focus on the words. What feels like an eternity later, a doctor finally comes to the waiting room asking if he’s Mr. Padalecki-Ackles.

“That’s me,” Jared answers nervously, leaning forward on the armchair and looking up at the doctor, who looks down at him with a puzzled expression, probably wondering why Jared hasn’t jumped to his feet right away to greet him, and Jared shrugs. “Sorry, I can’t…” He clears his throat and makes a motion to the wheelchair sitting next to him. The doctor finally notices it and raises his eyebrows.

“Ah, okay.” He then pulls up another armchair and sits down in front of Jared, extending a hand to him. “Hello Mr. Ackles, I’m Doctor Stewart and I am the one handling Mr. Ackles-Padalecki’s case.”

“Please, call me Jared and you can call him Jensen. How’s my husband? What’s happening to him?”

“Well Jared, I understand that your husband has recently been in remission from lung cancer and had surgery to remove a portion of his right lung.”

Jared feels like he might be sick, this can’t be happening again. “Please, just tell me if the cancer is back. I can’t wait any longer.” Jared holds his breath as he waits for the verdict. The doctor’s eyes go soft, a kind look on his face as he answers.

“Jared, we did all tests we could to see if the cancer has returned, and we couldn’t detect any trace of it in Jensen’s body. The cancer is still gone.”

Jared hides his face in his hands at that, letting out a strangled noise of relief. It’s not the cancer returning, it’s not, it’s still _gone_. He tries to recompose himself just enough to face the doctor. “If...if it’s not the cancer, then what _is_ happening to him?”

“There are some complications that come with lung cancer and surgery resulting in a weakened immune system; I’m sure Jensen’s oncologist and surgeon have warned both of you about it. Jensen is suffering from a somewhat serious case of bacterial pneumonia, which is an infection of his lung. We did an X-Ray to learn the extent of the infection and detected a lot of fluid in his right lung. Considering his history, we need to be very careful. Even though pneumonia can be treated, it can also be life threatening so we want to take all necessary measures to fight it. We are treating Jensen with IV antibiotics, ibuprofen to help decrease fever and pain, and steroids to reduce the swelling and improve breathing in his lungs. We are going to monitor him very closely to make sure the treatment is working.” Jared bobs his head along as he takes in the information the doctor rattles off. _Pneumonia_. Not as devastating as Jared’s worst scenarios but still very concerning. One more battle for them to fight among so many already won. Jared resolves that they can beat this too.

“But how is Jensen really, doctor? Is he going to be fine after all of this? Can I see him?”

“As I said, pneumonia can be quite dangerous, especially given Jensen’s condition. We are dealing with a case that can be considered serious, and I can’t assure you now that he will be completely fine. We are treating him according to his diagnosis and he is in the ICU for now as an extra precaution. He will be transferred to a regular room once he’s stabilized and we are sure the treatment is working effectively. Jensen is unconscious and we are keeping him sedated so his body can rest but you can see him for a few minutes. A nurse will come to get you soon. If there’s any change in Jensen’s condition I will let you know but for now we need to wait and just monitor him.”

Jared feels a mixture of relief and still some heartache as he tries to process what’s been said. “Thanks, Doctor, I really appreciate everything you’re doing for my husband.”

Doctor Stewart nods and gets up. “It’s our job and Jensen is in good hands, I can assure you. I’m going to check on a few other patients now but we will be seeing each other soon, and if there’s anything you need, you can ask one of the nurses and they will help you.”

With that the doctor leaves and Jared transfers back to his wheelchair, waiting impatiently until someone comes to get him to see Jensen. Eventually a nurse walks in and greets him.

“Hello Mr. Padalecki-Ackles, I’m Allison and I’m here to take you to the ICU to see your husband.”

Jared greets her back and asks her to call him Jared, quickly following her down the hall and through a few doors. Before entering the restricted area Jared is required to wash his hands, to put a gown over his clothes and a mask on his face. He’s anxious to get to Jensen but he understands all of this is very important to prevent further infections for both Jensen and Jared himself.

Allison opens a door for him and Jared wheels through, finding himself in a stark white room that he’s entirely too familiar with, having stayed in one before. He carefully wheels closer to the bed and finds his husband lying in the middle of it, eyes closed and a nasal cannula strapped around his face. His breathing looks more elaborate, as if it’s taking more effort, and there are several machines connected to him as well as an IV in his arm to deliver medicine and fluids.

“I know it looks scary but we’re taking good care of him, Jared. I’m sure Jensen is a fighter, I know he fought a battle recently and I am positive he will get through this as well. I’ll leave you two alone but it can only be for a few minutes, okay? Jensen needs to rest.”

Jared nods and quietly thanks Allison as she turns to walk out of the room. He turns to Jensen and takes his hand, bringing it to his face and planting a kiss on his wedding band.

“When are you gonna stop scaring me like that?” Jared asks softly as he reaches out and caresses Jensen’s hair. “It’s never been easy for us but after everything we’ve grown even stronger so we can get through this new battle, too. As always I’m here by your side baby, and I won’t leave you until I know for sure you’re okay. And you will be okay, I promise.” Jared tries to position himself in a way that allows him to get a bit closer to Jensen’s face since the bed is a tad high for him. He runs his fingers down Jensen’s cheek, minding the cannula. “I love you, Jen.”

Jared rests his face on the mattress, as close to Jensen’s as possible and sings to him in a low voice, and he’s sure his husband can hear him subconsciously.

 _Yes I understand_  
_That every life must end_  
_As we sit alone_  
_I know someday we must go_  
  
_Oh I'm a lucky man_  
_To count on both hands_  
_The ones I love_  
_Some folks just have one_  
_Yeah, others they got none_  
  
_Stay with me_  
_Let's just breathe_  
  
_Practiced on our sins_  
_Never gonna let me win_  
_Under every thing_  
_Just another human being_  
  
_Yeah, I don't wanna hurt_  
_There's so much in this world_  
_To make me bleed_  
  
_Stay with me, you're all I see_

Jared squeezes Jensen’s hand as he watches over his husband’s still form, and a few tears run down his face, dripping down onto the bed. He keeps going, failing to keep his voice steady.

 _Did I say that I need you_  
_Did I say that I want you_  
_Oh if I didn't I'm a fool, you see_  
_No one knows this more than me_  
_That I come clean_  
  
_Nothing you would take_  
_Everything you gave_  
  
_Hold me till I die_  
_Meet you on the other side._

*

Jared returns to the waiting room after Allison tells him his time in the ICU is up. He takes a few moments to compose himself and then finally begins making some calls. First he contacts Donna and Alan, letting them know what happened. Donna starts crying and tells Jared they will be at the hospital soon. He also calls Chris and Chad, and both his friends promise to come as as soon as they can. When he hangs up, Justin has returned.

“Hey Jared, I just talked to a nurse and she let me know Jensen was moved to the ICU, diagnosed with pneumonia. I had a strong suspicion that’s what was happening but didn’t want to tell you without being positive. I’m sorry, man. That’s a bitch to treat and it can take a while to heal but I’m positive Jensen will make a full recovery. He’s proven to be a fighter and he’s in good hands here.”

Jared nods his head in agreement. “Yeah, I’m trying to stay positive that it will all be fine. I was able to see him for a few minutes but I know I can’t stay longer while he’s in the ICU. Can’t wait to spend more time with him, though.”

Jared speaks the last sentence in a miserable voice and Justin gives him a sympathetic look. “I understand. Soon you will be able to visit with him longer; if everything goes well he may be transferred to a regular room within a day or two. Are you gonna stay here or go home?”

Jared doesn’t even hesitate. “I’m staying. Not leaving until I know Jensen is doing better.”

“I figured,” Justin teases, trying to lighten the mood. “Is there anything you need?”

Jared thinks about it, he checks the time on his phone and realizes it’s past 6am, it has been a good while since he’s gone to the bathroom and that’s not good. He also bitterly realizes his supplies are all at home since he didn’t have the time to get anything ready in the rush to get Jensen to the hospital.

“Actually, I do,” Jared says as he licks his bottom lip and looks shyly at Justin. He’s never comfortable where his intimate needs are concerned, it’s the part he hates the most about his disability. “Would it be possible to get me a catheter? I need to, uh, go, and I left all my stuff at home, didn’t have time to take anything.”

Justin gives him a smile and gets up. “That I can do, don’t worry. I’ll be right back.” He leaves Jared alone for a few minutes and then comes back holding a plastic bag which he hands to Jared. “There are a couple of catheters and also a couple of sterile disposable gloves and some packs with lubricant and hand sanitizer in here. The adapted bathroom is over in the corner next to the water fountain. I think you will be all set. Is that all?”

Jared takes the bag and gives Justin a relieved smile. “That’s perfect, thank you a lot for this and everything else, Justin. You’ve helped me a lot tonight.”

Justin shrugs. “That’s what friends are for, right? Anyway, I’ll let you go take care of your business and I‘ll get back to work. Still have some hours left on the clock so I’ll be around. If you need anything else, let me know.”

“I will. Jensen’s parents are on the way as well as Chad and Chris, but if I need anything I’ll reach out.”

When Justin leaves Jared heads to the bathroom. Once he’s done he returns to the waiting room and not too long after, Jensen’s parents arrive. They hug Jared and ask what happened, and Jared tells them everything. The nurse allows them to see Jensen for a couple of minutes as well. A little later Chad and Chris arrive and Jared has to tell the story about what happened once again. Chad suggests Jared go home and take a shower, get some rest, but Jared is adamant about not leaving the hospital yet. He needs to know his husband is okay first.

They all wait together for hours that seem to stretch on without end, for any word on Jensen. Around noon Chad goes to the cafeteria to get sandwiches. Jared doesn’t feel like eating but his friend pretty much forces him to, claiming that Jensen needs for Jared to be strong for him, and that of course does the trick. Justin also checks on him a few times, telling the group that from what he could gather, there’s still no update.

Finally, in the late afternoon Doctor Stewart comes to talk to them. Everyone gathers around him to hear the long-awaited news.

“Doctor, how is Jensen?” Jared doesn’t wait for the doctor to speak, he’s too anxious to know how his husband is. The doctor pulls up a chair and sits down in front of Jared again, and he appreciates that the doctor does that each time, so they can be face to face.

“Well, there have been some improvements in Jensen’s condition. He is responding well to the antibiotics he’s been given, his fever has reduced a little and I am feeling optimistic. That said, he has a long way to go yet. As I told you, Jensen has some special circumstances with this infection since he doesn’t have a portion of his lung and his immune system is not up to par so we need to be extra careful. I am hoping he can be transferred to a regular room within the next four to six hours if his condition stays stabilized. We are also going to start to ease him out of the sedation.”

Jared feels his body relax a bit, not surprised that he’d been so tense from waiting. This is good, if Jensen is getting out of the ICU that means he’s definitely getting better. He lets out a shaky breath, relieved to know it looks a bit less scary than it did several hours ago.

“When can I see him again, doctor?” Jared asks. He misses Jensen and wants nothing more than to be physically by his side with him through this.

“Let’s wait for Jensen to come out of ICU and get settled into his room to allow visitors, I want to make sure the chances of a new infection are minimized. And even when he’s in a regular room, we’ll need to control the visiting for the same reasons. Jared, I am sure you’ll want to stay with him and you can do that. As for the others I ask you to make your visits short, no more than 5-10 minutes long, at least until we are sure the pneumonia is well under control. Is that okay?”

Everybody agrees, always with Jensen’s best interest in mind, and the doctor leaves promising to let them know when Jensen is transferred. They go back to waiting but now everyone feels more hopeful, knowing that Jensen’s condition is improving.

While they wait, Chad goes to pick up some clothes and supplies for Jared since he’ll be spending the night at the hospital. Justin comes by to say his shift is over and asks if Jared wants him to stay and wait with them. Jared sends him home since he’s been working since last night and has helped Jared so much already. Before leaving he asks Jared to keep him updated on Jensen and to let him know if there’s anything Jared needs.

A few hours later Allison comes to the waiting room looking for Jared. “Jensen has just been transferred to a regular room and he’s waking up. He’s a bit agitated and asking for you. Please follow me.”

Jared doesn’t wait a second, quickly following Allison down a hall with a lot of rooms. She stops in front of one and gives Jared a sympathetic smile before turning the knob. She opens the door wide for Jared who wheels inside and scans the room looking for Jensen. He finds his husband moving restlessly on the bed, still hooked up to a couple machines, looking like a scared animal and his heart aches at the sight.

“Jen? Baby?” Jared speaks loudly since his husband hasn’t seen him yet, and the moment Jensen hears him, his body goes still. He turns to look at Jared with a pained expression.

“Jay.” Jensen speaks in a very quiet voice, almost begging. Jared quickly wheels closer to Jensen, stopping right next to the bed. He takes Jensen’s hand minding the IV in his arm and plants a lingering kiss on it.

“Hey love, I’m here. Don’t you worry, I won’t leave you.”

Jensen swallows and clears his throat before speaking, the effort a bit too much for him at the moment. “What’s happening, Jay? Is the cancer back? Please tell me; they told me it’s not but what if they’re hiding it from me? I know you won’t lie to me Jay, I trust you to tell me what is going on.”

Jensen coughs a few times once he’s done talking and Jared waits for it to be over. He links their fingers together before answering. “It’s not the cancer Jen. They ran all sorts of tests to make sure, and it’s still gone, no trace of it in your body. You do have a kinda serious case of pneumonia though. We knew getting sick could happen after the surgery and the treatment with your weakened immune system. Since your lung was partially removed, you’re more prone to it. But the doctors are treating it aggressively and given time and care, you’re gonna be fine again, you can be sure about that.”

Jensen stares at Jared, listening intently as his eyes well up. “Seriously? The cancer isn’t back?”

Jared kisses Jensen’s hand again. “No, baby. I promise you. You know I’d be the first one to tell the truth if it had come back, but I swear it’s just a nasty case of pneumonia. I’m sure the doctor will be by to talk to you more in depth, but that’s what he told me. Your recovery will be a bit longer given your condition but we will get through this new battle together. Don’t you worry, okay? All you need is proper treatment, lots of rest and your Hot Wheels to take good care of you and you will be fine in no time.”

Jensen holds up his pinky as a few tears roll down his face. “Pinky promise?”

Jared chuckles as he links their pinky fingers and wipes Jensen’s tears with his other hand. “Pinky promise.”

_**Jensen** _

It feels as if a semi just ran over Jensen’s chest. He had been feeling kind of sick for the past few days but he thought it was just a cold, nothing to worry about, or so he kept telling himself. He didn’t want to believe there was anything wrong with him after everything he just went through to get healthy again. But then he woke up in the middle of the night sweating and coughing, he was so cold and his chest felt like it was on fire. He doesn’t remember much after that, he knows he woke Jared up - he hated having to do that but he had no other choice - and he thinks Jared drove him to the hospital. It was all a blur. Next thing he knows, he’s waking up in a strange room that he soon recognized as a hospital room. Jensen immediately panicked since his first thought was that the cancer was back, and not even the nurse telling him that it wasn’t cancer was able to calm him down. He needed Jared, his husband would tell him what was going on. When Jensen saw his face it felt like coming home, like seeing a shining lighthouse in the middle of a dark sea.

Knowing that the cancer isn’t back is the greatest news he could get. Jensen knew there was a high chance of contracting pneumonia in the future since he lost a portion of his lung. His surgeon had clearly explained all of the ongoing risks to him. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy to fight it off though; Jensen is feeling so worn out, he knows he has a long recovery ahead of him and that kind of sucks. He was finally beginning to feel better and stronger after all the cancer treatments and now it feels like he’s going back a few steps in the wrong direction. He has to fight not to feel frustrated, and keeps telling himself that it could be worse, much worse. If the cancer had come back, he surely would have been doomed, he’s sure. So he keeps trying to focus on the positive side, but he feels like shit for putting Jared through all of this again. Jared does so much for Jensen, he almost completely forgets about himself to focus on Jensen’s care and now that he was getting back to their normal life Jensen goes and gets himself sick again. Just freaking awesome.

The doctor comes by to talk to Jensen more about his case, telling him they still need to be cautious, he’s not out of the woods yet but it’s looking better. Later, his parents, along with Chris and Chad, take turns coming in to see him. They don’t stay long following doctor’s orders and Jensen is secretly glad since he’s tired as fuck. Jared of course picks up on that.

“Baby, why don’t you just rest for now? You clearly need it, I’ll be right here with you.”

Jensen looks over at his husband, who’s right next to the bed with him, observing the dark circles under his eyes and exhaustion written all over his face. He’s gonna have to sleep on an uncomfortable sofa bed if he stays here overnight which is definitely not good for his body, and Jensen feels his emotions bubbling up inside him again.

“Jay, I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this again after...” Jensen opens his mouth to go on but Jared shuts him up with a finger on his lips.

“I don’t want to hear any of this, Jen. It’s just another battle. I’m happy and relieved that it’s not the cancer and that’s what matters. We will fight this together like we’ve done everything else. It’s gonna be okay and I’m just thankful you’re here. Now sleep baby, you’re worn out.”

Jensen feels sleep pulling him under; he tries to argue with Jared to go home and sleep comfortably but of course it’s pointless. Jensen falls asleep with Jared holding his hand and humming a song close to his ear.

*

Jensen spends the next few days in the hospital trying to recover. The antibiotics are doing their job fighting the pneumonia, and his body is working to expel the mucus in his lungs by making Jensen cough it up and out, which is gross and leaves him exhausted. The doctor has told him it’s necessary though, all that fluid needs to come out. Jensen is also encouraged to drink lots of fluids to help with the process.

His family and friends are allowed to visit longer with him as his condition improves, and even Justin comes to pay him a visit to see how he’s doing. Jared had relayed to Jensen how Justin helped him on the first night after bringing Jensen in - and he graciously thanks Justin for what he did for Jared. Jensen knows Justin is proving more and more to be a good friend to them, and it leaves him feeling more at ease about having him in their lives.

Jared of course has barely left the hospital ever since Jensen was admitted. Jensen had begged Jared to go spend the night at their place; he knew that if Jared spent one more night on that tiny sofa bed he would begin to have serious problems. After arranging for his mom to stay with him one night since he knew Jared would never leave Jensen to spend the night alone, his husband reluctantly agreed to go but was back first thing in the morning. Jensen hates putting Jared through this again but he knows there’s no point in arguing about it especially when he knows if the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t leave Jared’s side either. He has always stayed with him during the times Jared had to spend in the hospital himself over the years. Plus, having his husband by his side is truly the best medicine.

Jensen is finally discharged after having a conversation with the doctor about continuing his treatment at home. He’s not completely healed so it’s very important that he follows all the rules, always of course minding his condition. Jensen promises to do everything he needs to, he just can’t wait to go home. A nurse brings the standard hospital wheelchair to take him out to Jared’s car, and after making sure Jensen is settled and buckled in, his husband drives him home. It’s always amazing to return to their home and the joy of knowing love and warmth waits inside. After everything he’s been through Jensen always vows to never take it for granted, and he knows Jared feels the same way.

When they get there they find his parents waiting for them. Harley isn’t around; Jared thought it would be better for him to spend a few days with Chad and Danni until Jensen was completely recovered. It sucks but they just can’t take any chances, they need to be extremely careful with Jensen’s health. Donna even cleaned the whole house before Jensen’s arrival so everything was fresh.

He heads straight to the bedroom so he can lie down for a short nap, he knows he needs all the rest he can get. Donna makes a savory vegetable soup for him that Jared ends up eating as well, keeping Jensen company. After his parents leave, Jensen takes another nap and later Jared helps him take a much-needed shower. Afterwards, Jensen decides to hang out on the couch for a change of position and scenery. Jared joins him after cleaning up the bathroom and Jensen curls into Jared’s side. He’s starting to feel a bit down given his current situation, hating his weakness and lack of energy. Jared of course picks up on it immediately.

“Baby, I know you’re feeling kinda odd right now, but I have something to tell you and I think it will help lift your spirits,” Jared says as he caresses Jensen’s hair.

Jensen turns his face upwards. “What is it Jay?”

“I got a call while you were taking a nap,” Jared gives him a wide smile. “We were approved from the results of the home study, Jen. We’re gonna be foster parents!”

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, SURPRISE! I honestly had thought I'd only be able to post after returning but it turns out my chapter was beta'ed and ready for posting this week and my lovely artist Kaelysta (who is about to have a beautiful daughter at any moment now - send happy thoughts) was able to put together an art for me so I decided to spare you guys from having to wait so long to learn what happened to Jensen. I hope you like my surprise! (I deserve a nice comment after that don't I lol)
> 
> and I'm happy to say you guys guessed right, he has pneumonia, good guess! just wanted to give the story some more angst before what I have planned next. Soon you will find out which kid(s) they're getting and I can't wait!I finished chapter 20 a few days ago and I can't stress enough how much I love it. I think it's one of my favorites so far! This time I'm really making you guys wait until I get back but it won't take long, now at least you know Jensen is out of the woods!
> 
> please as usual let me know your thoughts, I love to see your comments!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just an FYI, this chapter is being posted unbeta-ed for now because I didn't want to wait longer (I'll update it eventually) so I apologize for any mistakes you find, since I'm a non-native speaker they could easily happen!

__

_**Jensen** _

The next couple of weeks are spent focusing on Jensen’s recovery. Jared has been working from home so he can stay with Jensen, who just can’t wait to feel better. He has to take a bunch of pills, most important of all the antibiotics to fight the infection completely; and he is still coughing a lot to get rid of the mucus in his lung. Even though it’s a necessary process, it makes Jensen exhausted and his body hurts a lot. Jared of course is by his side through it all and Jensen couldn’t be more thankful to him. Specially when Jensen’s mood starts to go down, Jared is there to bring it up again. And now that they’ve been approved to be foster parents, it’s another reason for Jensen to be hopeful and look forward to his complete recovery. He can’t believe all the hard work paid off and they will be able to welcome a kid in their home soon. They’ve asked the agency for some time, explaining about Jensen being sick and that he needed to recover completely before they could be matched with a child.

Finally after two weeks Jensen is declared cleared from the pneumonia, the doctor just asks him to take it easy for the next few days until his body is completely recovered from the toll the infection has taken on it. They decide to do a small renovation in their guest bedroom to welcome their child - or children. Jared and Chad go to Ikea - Jared forbids Jensen to go since he can’t do much effort yet - and they buy two toddler extendable beds and a dresser, since there’s a small closet there already. They’ve decided to wait until they know the age of the child they’re first getting so they can buy some toys. Jared, Chad and Chris assemble everything and Jensen helps as much as possible while taking it easy. When it’s all done, they decide it looks pretty good. Jesen just can’t wait for a little one to come live in this room.

A couple of weeks later they get a call from Carol asking for them to go to the agency because they have a match for them. When Jared hangs up the phone and tells Jensen the news, both stare at each other for a few moments in complete wonder.

“Oh my god, Jay… it’s happening.”

Jared reaches out to take Jensen’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “Are you scared?”

Jensen chuckles. “Yeah… but also excited I guess. I can’t wait to know what child they have for us.”

Jared plants a kiss on the back of Jensen’s hand. “Let’s go then.”

The ride to the agency is filled with excitement, both Jared and Jensen wondering what child they have for them.

Carol greets and welcomes them into her office, inviting them to take a seat. “Hey guys, it’s so nice to see you. Thank you for coming on such short notice!”

Jensen gives her a nervous smile. “Well, we couldn’t wait any further when you told us we had a match.”

Carol smiles back at Jensen and extends it to Jared as well. “I understand completely, specially being a first match and I also understand you may be nervous. But we are gonna make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible. Ready to see what I’ve got for you?”

Both Jared and Jensen nod, and Jensen feels his husband reaching for his hand. He links their fingers and gives Jared’s hand a squeeze as Carol places a folder on the desk and opens it.

“Well, what I have here are actually two kids, siblings. Kelly Ann Sanders is a beautiful three year old girl and her brother is Oliver Zane Sanders, who is six years old. You put in your application that you’re willing to take in siblings, correct?”

“Yes, we can take two kids no problem,” Jared replies and Carol nods.

“That’s a good thing. So here’s the thing. Their mom is a drug addict, they’ve lost their home since she used all their money to buy drugs. She eventually left them with a neighbor and disappeared on the streets. She has just been arrested for stabbing a person, taken to a prison to wait for trial, and the kids were taken from the people who had them. They’re in a temporary home for now, but we need to find a more permanent fixture for them ASAP.” Jared and Jensen nod again and Carol goes on.

“Alright, there is one more important detail. The boy, Oliver, is a kid with special needs. He has a condition called Myelomeningocele that causes paralysis to his legs. He had surgeries when he was just a baby and currently uses a wheelchair to get around, but he never received proper treatment. Oliver is a very smart, bright and loving kid, who has a lot of potential in him just as his sister despite the poor conditions they’ve always lived in. I believe you guys would be a perfect match for them specially because of Oliver, I know your house is already adapted to accommodate his needs and you’re obviously familiar with disabilities. You’ve written down that you are willing to take in a child with special needs but asked for a mild case. As I said, Oliver is paralyzed only in his legs just like you Jared, and can actually do some things on his own. And maybe with proper treatment he could even regain some functionality in his limbs. Plus, I believe it could be a good thing for him to have a foster parent who also has a disability similar to his, it could be of a great help to him.” Carol hands them two pictures. “What do you guys think?”

Jensen takes one picture and Jared takes the other. In his, Jensen can see a boy sitting in a partially visible wheelchair, he’s smiling at the camera and Jensen can’t help but smile too. He has light brown hair, fair skin, bright blue eyes and a contagious smile. Jensen doesn’t even know this boy yet but he feels his heart warming up, and he realizes he does want to meet Oliver. He looks at Jared and hands him the picture, taking the one Jared is offering him. Jensen then finds himself looking at a beautiful little girl with light blonde hair, very fair skin and eyes as blue as her brother’s. Her smile is also beautiful and cute, and she’s clutching an old purple Care Bear in her tiny hands. She is so amazing and Jensen feels his insides warming up even more. When he looks at Jared, he notices his husband staring deeply at the picture of Oliver, and Jensen can see tears forming in Jared’s eyes, he is getting emotional and Jensen can understand the reason. It’s a boy in a wheelchair like Jared himself, someone who is somewhat similar to him to be a part of their family. It’s no wonder Jared is feeling emotional and Jensen takes his hand again, giving it a squeeze. Jared looks up at Jensen, who gives him a kind smile that Jared returns. They look at each other for a couple of moments, understanding passing between them, no words needed.

Finally, both place the pictures back on the table, and Jensen speaks for them. “They seem awesome kids.”

Carol smiles. “They are. Do you guys want some time to discuss it?”

Jensen looks at Jared again, who briefly shakes his head, giving him a meaningful look. Jensen smiles at him and turns to Carol. “There’s no need. They look just perfect and we can’t wait to welcome them into our home.”

Carol’s smile grows. “That’s just great! I’m sure you’re gonna be the best match for these kids, just what they need. I’d like to set up a meeting for tomorrow if that’s fine with you guys. It’s an opportunity for you to meet the kids and for them to have a first contact with you. A social worker assigned to their case will be present too, to help with everything. What do you say?”

Jensen looks at Jared who just smiles and gives him a faint nod, so he turns to Carol. “I say we can’t wait!”

*

As Jared and Jensen leave the agency and get into the car, they can’t contain their excitement.

“Oh my God, Jay. Can you believe it?” Jensen asks as he turns to face Jared, who smiles.

“Hardly. It’s a lot to process and I can’t wait to meet those two,” Jared replies and suddenly turn serious. “Jen, are you sure you’re okay with the boy’s condition? I mean, I know it’s gonna be hard work having another disabled person in our family, one can be more than enough.”

Jensen reaches out and caresses Jared’s cheek. “Don’t be silly, Jay. Of course it’s okay. Carol is right, we are the best option for him, our house is adapted and we are ready to deal with a disabled child. And more importantly, he’s gonna have _you_ , as Carol said you’re gonna be very important to him, you can help that boy way more than any of us, you can be damn sure about it. It’s gonna be hard work of course, but after everything we went through already, I know for sure we can do it. I agree with Carol when she says it’s a perfect match.”

Jared covers Jensen’s hand on his face with his own. “Thank you, baby.”

Jensen smiles and leans over for a quick kiss. “Well, thank _you_. Now let’s let going so we can get ready for tomorrow!!”

_**Jared** _

They drive to the agency on the next morning in silence, both too anxious to meet their children to speak. Jared can’t believe it’s really happening, they will finally have a chance to be parents. He wonders how the kids are like, if they are gonna like Jensen and him. Jared can’t stop thinking about Oliver ever since Carol told them that the kid also has a disability. He just can’t wait to meet the boy and of course, Kelly as well.

After arriving home yesterday, they sat on the couch and Jared turned on his iPad, doing his research on Myelomeningocele. He told Jensen he had heard of it, having met a couple of people that had that condition and also from reading about it online, but never knew much about it and what exactly causes the paralysis. They learned it’s the most severe form of spina bifida, which is a birth defect in the spinal cord where it doesn’t form as it should. There were a lot of information online and the condition can vary from person to person, so they decided to wait until they’ve met Oliver and took him to a specialist so they could learn more about his case in particular. Jared hopes they can help Oliver in some way. It’s gonna be a new thing to have someone else with a disability in their home, and he’s anxious to see how that will turn out.

Arriving at the agency, Carol welcomes them and directs them to a room they haven’t been before. She opens the door just a bit and calls someone inside it. A few seconds later, a woman comes out and Carol introduces her.

“Jared, Jensen, this is Susan. She’s the social worker responsible for Kelly and Oliver.” Susan shakes Jared and Jensen’s hands, giving them a kind smile, which the men reciprocate. Carol excuses herself and enters the room, probably so the kids in there won’t be left unsupervised, and Susan turns to them.

“It’s very nice to meet you. I hope you are ready to meet the children?”

Both Jared and Jensen nod in response. “Yes, we just can’t wait to see them. It’s our first time fostering so we are a bit nervous, sorry,” Jared answers with a shrug.

“It’s okay to be nervous,” Susan replies kindly. “It’s a new thing for you and also for the children. We are all a team here and all of us have their best interest in mind. These kids have been neglected for too long, and they need some love. And I’m sure you guys can provide that. They are very loving kids despite the environment they come from. They can be wary around you at first since you’re strangers of course, but I’m sure that will change. I can feel a good vibe coming from you two and I’m never wrong about these things. Are you ready to go inside? If you have any further questions we will be discussing more after you’ve met them.”

“Yes, we are more than ready,” Jensen says. “We are very excited and we are sure they’re awesome kids.”

“Let’s go inside then!” Susan opens the door behind her and allows for Jared and Jensen to come inside. It’s a room filled with toys, and Jared’s gaze travels until he spots the two children at the far corner of the room. He feels a warm hand on his shoulder so he looks up, finding Jensen smiling kindly at him. Jared nods and together they make their way to the children. Kelly is on the floor playing with a couple of dolls, and Oliver is sitting at a small blue table drawing on a paper. Susan walks up to them and crouches down, addressing both.

“Kelly, Ozzie, I have two people here that are crazy to meet you. Do you want to meet them?”

Kelly immediately looks up, looking from Jared to Jensen - who has crouched down as well - looking timid. Oliver also looks up warily. Jared clears his throat and tries to be as friendly as possible.

“Hey Kelly, hey Ozzie, how are you? Susan has told us so much about you, we just couldn’t wait to meet you guys!”

Kelly stays put, partially hiding behind Susan, but when Jared’s gaze travels to Oliver, he notices that the boy is staring at his wheelchair with wide eyes. So Jared wheels a bit closer to him, noticing how Oliver’s gaze follows the movement of Jared’s hands, and leans forward resting his elbows on his thighs to be on his eye level, giving the boy his kindest smile.

“Hey buddy. It’s nice to meet you. You can come closer if you want, we are your friends.”

Slowly, Oliver sets the pencil down and wheels backwards to get out from under the table, and as he wheels closer to Jared, he can take a good look at the boy for the first time. He’s in an old and too small wheelchair, Jared can’t see much of his body since he’s wearing sweatpants and a lose shirt, but he can tell the kid is too skinny. Oliver slowly approaches Jared, eyes fixed on his wheelchair. Jared remains quiet, waiting to see what Oliver will do. The kid stops next to him and raises a small hand, very carefully touching Jared’s wheel.

“You’re like me.” Those are the first words Jared hears coming from Oliver’s mouth, spoken in wonder, and it brings tears to his eyes, he just can’t help the wave of emotion that takes over him. Jared gently places his own hand on Oliver’s much smaller wheel, repeating the kid’s gesture.

“That’s right, buddy. I’m just like you, I’ve got wheels too.”

Oliver finally looks up at Jared, giving him his earnest smile. As they look at each other Jared feels an instant connection with the boy, something that comes from deep inside and he can’t explain. They have barely met but it feels like this was meant to be. Oliver looks down at both wheelchairs and up at Jared again.

“That’s cool, right?”

Jared chuckles, feeling a tear escaping and running down his cheek, and he holds a hand to Oliver, who doesn’t hesitate to take it. Jared wraps his much larger hand around the boy’s tiny one, and gives it a light squeeze.

“Yeah, Ozzie. That’s totally cool.”

Oliver gives Jared a toothy smile and then his gaze travels to his side, and the boy looks curious. Jared blinks a few times as the spell is broken and he remembers there are more people in the room. Jared looks at Jensen and finds his husband with tears in his eyes, watching the whole exchange. Jared quickly looks at Carol and Susan, both also looking emotional themselves. He thinks about Kelly, not wishing to ignore her, and when he looks over to where she was partially hiding, Jared finds the little girl standing closer to him, still looking shy and clutching the same old Care Bear from the picture, but also giving them an expectant look. Jared smiles at her and looks at Jensen, silently inviting his husband to participate as well. Jensen gets on with the program immediately, reaching out a hand to Kelly across Jared’s lap.

“Hey Kelly. Why don’t you come over here too and show us your friend?”

The little girl looks from Susan to Jared, then Oliver and Jensen, who is giving her his kindest smile. Very slowly the girl makes her way between Jared and Oliver, extending her hand and offering the bear to Jensen, who takes it.

“That’s a very beautiful bear. Do you like Care Bears?” Kelly nods, eyes not leaving Jensen’s. “I like them too. My favorite one is the Brave Heart Lion, you know why?” Kelly shakes her head. “It’s because it reminds me of this guy here,” he makes a motion with his head towards Jared, who chuckles. The girl smiles for the first time and extends her hand to get the bear back, which Jensen hands to her. Then he sits on the floor to get more comfortable since he had been crouching down this whole time, and addresses both kids.

“Kelly, Ozzie, my name is Jensen and this is my husband Jared. We are very happy to meet you, we heard so much about you guys! And we would like to know if we can be your friends?”

Both kids nod vigorously and then Kelly walks closer to Jared, doing the same as his brother did moments earlier, placing a small hand on Jared’s wheel. Then she looks up at him, giving him an excited smile.

“‘ts like Ozzie!”

Jared returns the smile and gently caresses her hair. “Yes it is. Do you like it?” Kelly nods again and Jensen reaches out, placing a hand on her back.

“Guys, Jared and I would like to know if you want to come stay with us. We have a nice big house with a bedroom ready for you. Do you want to come? I promise we are gonna have a lot of fun together.”

Kelly looks at Oliver, who in his turn looks up at Susan. “Mommy really isn’t coming back?”

Jared’s heart hurts hearing that, and he feels for those kids. Susan sits on the floor next to Jensen and looks at both kids as she answers.

“As we’ve talked before, your mommy can’t stay with you right now. We found a nice house with nice people for you to stay until your mommy can take care of you again. Jared and Jensen will take good care of you, I can promise that. They even have a dog!”

At that, Oliver’s eyes widen. “You do?”

Jared chuckles. “Yes we do! His name is Harley and he loves to play, especially with kids. You’re gonna love him.”

Oliver looks more excited, and turns to Susan. “When are we going?”

“I’m gonna try to get everything ready so you can go with them in two days time, okay?” Both kids nod. “Alright, now it’s time to say goodbye to Jared and Jensen. Soon you’re gonna see them again.”

Before Jared or Jensen can say anything, Kelly walks to Jensen and wraps her arms around his neck, who is caught off guard but holds her close. Jared gets emotional watching the exchange but tries to lighten the mood.

“Jensen is the only one getting a hug here?”

Oliver wheels to Jared’s side and extends his arms. Jared bends down and wraps an arm around Oliver’s body, gripping his wheel with his other hand to keep his balance. It feels awesome to hug the kid, and Jared savors it. Then he gets to hug Kelly and Oliver goes to Jensen. Jared feels so happy right now it’s almost surreal. He can’t believe they got along so greatly with the kids, that they bonded so well right away. It feels like it was meant to be. If it was up to Jared, they would be taking both kids home with them right now, and he can bet Jensen is feeling the same.

Susan leaves Carol with the kids as they move to another office to discuss things. As all of them sit down, she gives Jared and Jensen a smile.

“That went extremely well, I’m very glad. The kids really like you and I am sure this is a perfect match. There are some bureaucratic things we need to discuss now and papers to sign before I let you go, and then in a couple of days the kids will be in your home.”

*

A little later as Jared and Jensen get into the car, they both only stare at each other for a few moments, trying to find the words to describe what they are feeling.

“They are just awesome, aren’t they?” Jared asks as he takes Jensen’s hand.

“They’re perfect. Like they were meant to be our kids. I miss them already.”

Jared smiles. “I miss them too. Why don’t we go get ready for them as we wait? Everything needs to be perfect for when Susan brings them over!”

Jensen nods and pulls Jared to a hug, who buries his face on Jensen’s neck. They don’t say a word, just share this moment in silence, a moment they’ve been waiting for so long and for a lot of times, and weren’t sure it was gonna arrive. Both of them know how lucky they are.

Jensen drives to Super Target and there they get new beddings, including some comfortable pillows, towels, a new carpet for the kids’ room, and of course some toys. Jensen gets some new Care Bears for Kelly - including a Brave Heart Lion - and some Marvel figures for Oliver. Jared gets art supplies for the boy as well, some children’s books and Disney DVDs. They also get new clothes and shoes for both of them, since Susan provided them with their right size, and then do grocery shopping. They can get more stuff later once they get more familiar with the kids’ tastes.

Later, after putting everything in their room and getting the beds ready with fresh sheets and blankets, both Jared and Jensen take a minute to admire the room, hand in hand.

“Looks good, doesn’t it?” Jensen asks caressing Jared’s hand with his thumb.

“It does,” Jared agrees as he studies the room. “I’m just worried Oliver’s bed won’t be of a good height for him to transfer from and to his wheelchair but we will deal with it if it’s the case. It does looks awesome indeed, baby. I can’t wait to see them here.”

They tell Donna and Alan over lunch at their place about the kids. Jensen’s parents were also excited about them being foster parents and couldn’t wait for them to be matched. Jared shows them the pictures of the kids, since Carol allowed for them to take them home, and tells them about Oliver’s disability.

“We know it’s gonna be a new challenge for us, on top of having kids, but we feel ready for it and we are excited.”

Donna smiles at them as she looks at the pictures. “They seem such adorable kids. And I’m sure you’re the best parents they could get, these kids are very lucky to have you. I can’t wait to meet my grandchildren.”

They notice that Donna is crying and Jensen gives her a hug. Jared has no doubt Kelly and Oliver will be surrounded with love, which is confirmed when they tell their close friends, all extremely excited about the prospect of Jared and Jensen welcoming those kids, and offering all the help they need.

*

When the day finally comes, Jared feels so anxious his stomach hurts. He could barely get any sleep the previous night and could also hear his husband tossing and turning. Eventually they gave up on trying to sleep and Jensen put a movie on for them to watch in bed. In the morning Jared made them breakfast and now they’re cooking a nice lunch to welcome the kids and Susan who is bringing them over. Jensen is going over the house for the thousandth time to make sure everything is in the right place, cleaned and neat, especially their bedroom. They have decided to keep both kids in the same bedroom at least for now so they can be together during the night, being in a strange place can be scary at first so this way hopefully they will feel more comfortable. In the future, if the kids stay permanently with them - which is a big _if_ , Jared always reminds himself that they can go away at any moment - maybe they can turn the other guest room into a bedroom for them as well.

Jared adds the final touches to the spaghetti with meatballs he’s making when the doorbell rings. His heart starts beating twice as fast and Jensen comes running from the backyard.

“Oh my God, they’re here!” He says with a nervous tone as he approaches Jared.

Jared tries to smile through his anxiety, reaching out to squeeze Jensen’s forearm. “Ready, baby?”

Jensen nods and both go to the front door. Jensen opens it widely, and both find themselves looking at those adorable kids, one on each side of Susan who is holding Kelly’s hand and a few folders.

“Hey guys, welcome! We missed you!”

Kelly lets go of Susan’s hand and runs to Jared, grabbing his thighs with her tiny hands. Jared laughs and picks her up, giving the girl a big hug that she returns without hesitation. It strikes him how badly these kids need affection if they seek it so badly, usually kids are wary around strangers but they are different. They clearly need the love they never got, and Jared swears to himself that he will give it to them.

Jared carefully wheels backwards to make room for the others while Kelly is still clinging to his neck. Jensen also steps aside to allow Ozzie to make his way inside and then closes the door behind Susan.

“Hey, I want a hug too, how about that?” Jensen jokes and Kelly raises her arms for him, who picks her up. Ozzie comes greet Jared.

“Hey buddy, how are you doing?” Jared asks as he gives Ozzie a hug as well.

“Good,” he replies with a shy smile. “I’m hungry!”

They all laugh and Jared finally has a chance to shake Susan’s hand.

“Well, this is your lucky day then, because I just made a nice spaghetti for us!”

Both kids cheer and Susan takes them to wash their hands as Jared and Jensen bring the food to the dining table. They all settle down to eat and fall into an easy chat, Jared and Jensen ask the kids about their lives and what they like to do, and both Ozzie and Kelly are very talkative as they enjoy the nice meal and then the chocolate pie Jensen has made.

After the success of the lunch, they spend a nice afternoon making sure the kids are familiar with the house and also with Jared and Jensen. They show the kids their bedroom, the beds they will be sleeping in and all the toys, books, DVDs and so on that they will have available. Ozzie’s eyes shine when Jared shows him the art supplies and Kelly goes crazy with the Care Bears. Jared asks Ozzie to transfer himself to the bed and makes sure it’s the proper height for him. They also get introduced to Harley and adore him right away, the dog returning the feeling. Everyone spends some time at the backyard playing with Harley and just enjoying the warm day. Jared just can’t believe how perfectly the kids fit in here, like they already belong. All the anxiety is gone, Jared is sure now that they will be okay and the look on Susan’s face tells him that too.

Jared knows there’s still a long way to go, both Jensen and him managed to take a week off to help the kids get familiarized with everything, then Donna and Alan have agreed to watch them during the day until summer vacation is over, which has been approved by the agency. The kids have never been to school, neither their mother nor the people they were left under the care of bothered with it. Kelly of course is only now at the proper age to start preschool, but Ozzie skipped that step and will start at kindergarten. They will be enrolled at a school close to Jared and Jensen’s home so they can start in late August. Jared knows both kids have a lot of potential and he can’t wait for them to go to school and start learning things, as well as interact with other kids. They will also be taking Ozzie to a doctor so he can start receiving proper treatment and hopefully get some improvement on his condition since he has never had that either. Jared is very anxious about that.

Eventually Susan leaves them alone wishing good luck and telling Jared and Jensen to call her if there are any issues. She also reminds them she will be visiting the house often to make sure everything is going well. Once Jensen closes the door behind the social worker Jared feels nervous again, they’re completely alone with the kids now and on their own. They had asked Jensen’s parents and their friends not to visit today since they would like to spend this first day with the kids in private, so everyone would have a chance to get to know and become comfortable around each other. So now it’s only them and Jared can feel the anxiety creeping in. He looks down at the two children who are in return looking at the two of them with expectant looks on their faces. Jared smiles at them to try and put them more at ease and he feels Jensen approaching them and crouching down right next to Jared, who rubs his shoulder giving him a kind smile before turning to the kids.

“Kelly, Ozzie, we want you to feel at home here okay? This is your house now, and we hope you feel this way. This is new to all of us but the only thing we want is for you guys to feel welcome here. Anything you need you can come to talk to Jensen and me, alright? Anything at all, we are here for you.” Both kids nod and Jared smiles. “Great, so what do you want to do now?”

“Play with Harley!” Kelly screams throwing her arms in the air and Jensen laughs. Ozzie in return looks like he has something to say but is feeling shy, so Jared turns to Jensen.

“Baby, why don’t you take Kelly outside and we will be right out?” Jensen picks up on it immediately and nods, taking Kelly’s hand and leading her to the backyard. When they are alone, Jared approaches Ozzie. “What’s up buddy, are you okay?”

Ozzie nods shyly, looking up at Jared with his cheeks a faint shade of pink. “Yeah, I just… need to go to the bathroom.”

Jared smiles at Ozzie in sympathy, glad that the boy trusted him with this. “It’s fine buddy, let’s go to your room, there’s a bathroom there remember?”

Ozzie nods and heads to his bedroom, Jared wheeling behind him. This bathroom already had some suction bars installed next to the toilet and in the shower stall just in case Jared needed to use it, and they also put a stool there for Ozzie to shower. When they arrive, Jared places a hand on Ozzie’s shoulder, making the boy look at him.

“Hey Ozzie, tell me. How do you go to the bathroom? Can you feel when you need to go? Can you control it?” Jared doesn’t know exactly how the bladder and bowel work on someone with Ozzie’s condition; actually it varies from case to case so he has no idea if the kid has the same issues as him or not.

“Yeah, I can feel it like right now. And I can control it but not much.”

Jared nods. “Okay, cool, so you better go then before we have an accident.” He helps the kid to use the bathroom, maneuvering as best as they can since fitting two wheelchairs in a bathroom isn’t an easy task but they manage. Once they start heading out of the bedroom though, Ozzie calls from behind Jared.

“Hey… Jared?”

Jared spins around to face Ozzie, giving him a kind look. “Yeah, buddy?”

Ozzie’s cheeks are even more pink now and when he speaks, he doesn’t face Jared. “I… it’s just that I… sometimes I wet the bed. I can’t hold it. I’m sorry I know it’s bad.”

Jared feels his heart getting tighter hearing Ozzie’s words and he curses himself for mentioning having an accident as if it’s something wrong. The kid must have heard a thousand times how wrong it is for something like that to happen, so he approaches the boy, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “It’s not bad, Ozzie. In fact, lemme tell you that it has happened to me as well.”

Ozzie looks up at Jared with wide eyes. “Really?”

Jared smiles and nods. “Yes, really. It’s hard for me to tell when I need to go, and unlike you, I have no control at all. In the past, right after I got hurt and had to start using a wheelchair, I used to wet the bed more than once and I was already a grown up. I would feel very bad about it but eventually I learned it’s okay, just a fact of life. Even now, it’s very rare but an accident can still happen. And whenever it does, I tell myself it’s okay, nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just that our bodies work a bit differently. Okay? So if you wet the bed or even your pants, there’s no problem at all. A lot of kids do that too, you know? Even those who can walk. You can come to us whenever that happens and I promise you it’s okay. You can tell us anything, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about in this house. Not only me but Jensen as well, I promise he understands too. Deal?”

Ozzie gives Jared a huge smile, as if he’s very relieved to hear those words, and nods. “Deal. Thank you, Jared!”

“It’s no problem at all. Now, why don’t we hurry up so we can play with Jensen, Kelly and Harley?”

*

The rest of the day goes by very well, after spending some time playing outside Jared fills the tub and they put both kids in, letting them play some more with a few toys they’ve gotten. Later when both are cleaned and into new pajamas, they have a movie night, Kelly and Ozzie each get to choose a movie for them to watch, and pizza is ordered - they are gonna have the kids eat healthy stuff but it’s the first day so they’ve decided to cut some slack. Everybody gets comfortable on the couch after eating to watch the movies the kids picked, and Jared has a moment when he sees not one like usual, but two wheelchairs parked beside the couch. That is truly something he never expected to happen, to have someone in his family who is like him. Life is really odd.

When the first movie ends and Jensen gets up to change the DVD, Ozzie turns to Jared who has Kelly sitting on his lap.

“Jared, can I ask you something?”

“Sure you can buddy, anything,” Jared replies with an encouraging smile.

Ozzie bites the inside of his cheek as if wondering how to ask the question. “Well… earlier when we were in the bedroom you told me you got hurt, that’s why you had to start using your wheelchair.” Jared nods in agreement, wondering where this is going. “So… you were not born like this, just like I was?”

Jared looks from Ozzie to Jensen, who has his eyebrows raised in question. Jared didn’t have the chance to tell his husband about the conversation he and Ozzie had yet since they were busy all afternoon with the kids, he was planning on doing that later when they had a moment to themselves. He gives Jensen a significant look and mouths a _later_ , so Jensen returns to the couch and sits beside Ozzie. Jared now gives Jensen a questioning look, silently asking his husband what to tell the kids and Jensen shrugs, making a motion with his hand towards Jared. _It’s up to you._

So Jared clears his throat and repositions Kelly on his lap so she can see him too as he answers Ozzie. “Well yeah, that’s right buddy. I wasn’t born like this, I could walk when I was younger, like Kelly and Jensen. When I was twenty-five I got hurt pretty badly, so much so that I couldn’t use my legs anymore. That’s how I ended up in the wheelchair.”

“And how were you hurt? Did you fall?”

Jared chuckles at the boy’s innocence. If only everything was that simple. “Not exactly. It’s a long story Ozzie, one you are too young to understand just yet. But I promise I will tell you someday, okay?”

Ozzie nods and Jensen squeezes his shoulder gently, making the boy look up at him. “Ozzie, adding to what Jared just told you, I want you to know that there are people who are born different, just like you, and others who become different, like Jared. And there’s nothing wrong with any of those, alright? You both are very special and important, just as you are. And you guys may be a bit different on the outside than Kelly, myself and others, but on the inside we are all the same and that's what matters. And more importantly, being different is cool. Got it?”

Ozzie nods. “Got it. Can we watch the movie now?”

Jared and Jensen laugh and Jensen presses play. Jared looks over to his husband, who still has his arm around Ozzie and is giving Jared a fond look. Jared winks at him and Jensen mouths _I love you_. Jared watches their new little family and his heart grows twice the size. They couldn’t have gotten better kids to foster, and Jared sends a silent prayer that everything goes well for all of them, because he knows he could get used to this pretty quickly.

And attached as well.

 

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guysss I'm sorry for taking so long to post, I am so excited about this chapter! As I wrote it I fell in love with it, it's one of my favorites! I'm so happy to finally being able to introduce the kids since I have them in my mind from the get go! This adoption arc was originally an idea from my artist Kelly, who a long time ago came to me to show an article saying that gay couples are more likely to adopt hard to place kids, like ones with a disability, and that she had thought about my fic. I loved the idea and decided to write a timestamp, but eventually incorporated it in my sequel. I had a lot of ideas for kids and how J2 would get them ever since, and I finally settled on these two guys. Kelly is of course named after my amazing artist who gave this idea to begin with, and I picture her just as Kelly's beautiful daughter (Kelly named the boy as well). I hope you guys like my Kelly and Ozzie! What do you think will happen there? Will the boys keep the kids or not?
> 
> By the way, I want to make clear that I'm no expert in adoption or fostering, I'm not even american so I had to do a lot of research on the fostering process so I apologize if there's any innacuracies. I truly hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did writing it, it's very special and something I've waited for a long time!
> 
> As usual, if you can spare some time to let me know your thoughts! 
> 
> PS 1: has any of you picked up on the Carol & Susan reference? I needed names and that happened!
> 
> PS 2: thank you again to my amazing artist Kelly who used her own little girl on the art to portray little Kelly! Plus, she recently gave birth to another beautiful baby girl so yay!!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is unbeta'ed, I apologize for the mistakes!

__

_**Jensen** _

The next couple of days are spent making sure the kids are comfortable in their new house, and also for Jared and Jensen to get used to them. Donna and Alan come meet them a day after they’re brought in, and fall in love with Kelly and Ozzie instantly - Jensen knows it’s impossible not to. Donna cooks for them like she loves to do; Alan tells them a lot of stories, and both kids are really engrossed in them. Jensen is glad that they all got along so easily since his folks will be watching the kids a lot, so this was very important.

As the days pass by, it’s incredible how easily the kids seem to be adapting to the house and them, it is truly a perfect fit. As the kids get used to their new routine, one of the first things both Jared and Jensen make sure they understand is the importance of putting away all their toys after playing and not leaving anything lying around the house as not to get in the way of the wheelchairs, and even more importantly so that Jared doesn’t trip on something while he’s walking with his braces since a fall could be very dangerous.

Speaking of, it was specially touching when Ozzie saw Jared walking with his crutches and braces for the first time, the awe look on his face. He had asked Jared how he was doing it, and his husband had sat down and patiently explained and showed how his braces worked, allowing for him to stand and how his crutches gave him balance to take steps. Jared told Ozzie that they would be taking him to a doctor soon, and hopefully given the right treatment and depending on the results of his tests, someday maybe Ozzie would be able to take some steps as well. Jensen really hopes this happens.

They throw a birthday party for Jared on Saturday. His husband is turning forty and Jensen just can’t believe everything that happened ever since they last celebrated Jared’s birthday. It truly felt like a rollercoaster and he’s glad to be able to still be here to see his love reaching his fourth decade of life. They also wanted to use the party to introduce Kelly and Ozzie to their friends, so they invite them all to a small gathering at their place. Gladly Jensen’s siblings manage to fly over, both dying to meet their new niece and nephew. All the usual gang shows up as well, Chris, Steve and Lana, Danni, Chad and Anne, Becky, David and J.D., Jensen’s workmates, Jared’s swimming friends and coworkers, and of course Justin and Kellan who have recently been added to their list of close friends, as odd as that can be.

Once everyone has arrived, both Jared and Jensen properly introduce the kids. Of course most of them have already seen them around but they want for it to be special. So they ask their guests to gather around and as Jared places Kelly on his lap, Jensen maneuvers Ozzie’s chair so he’s right next to Jared, and his husband clears his throat.

“Hey guys, thank you so much for coming! Today is a very special day not only because I’m becoming an old man but also because we would like for you guys to officially meet the newest members of our family. This beautiful girl is Kelly and this guy next to me is Ozzie.”

Everyone cheers and Kelly feels shy with all the attention, burying her face on Jared’s chest, and Ozzie gives everyone a shy smile. Jensen thinks that’s enough attention on them at once so he speaks. “We’re very excited to have them with us and we would like to thank you all for the support. Everyone will have a chance to get to know them better since we want you all to be a part of their lives, but what about we dig in now, we have a lot of food waiting!”

The party is a success, everyone has a great time and the kids interact just fine with everyone, Anne being very excited about having new playing buddies. Jared and Jensen spend some time talking to Justin and Kellan explaining more about Ozzie’s disability and how they’re taking him to a specialist soon so they know for sure the extent of his condition and what can be done to improve it.

Later Donna brings the usual cake and everyone gathers around to sing Happy Birthday, the kids singing along right next to them and it brings a huge joy to Jensen’s heart. As his husband blows the candle, he addresses everyone.

“I want to thank you guys again for being here, it’s very important to me to be celebrating this day and age. So much has happened ever since I celebrated my last birthday, and I never could have imagined going through all of this. As I’ve said before, on every one of my birthdays ever since I turned 26, I wished for Jensen to stay. And I can’t even begin to explain how happy I am to have my wish granted especially after this past year. And also, one year ago we had just decided we wanted to adopt, and as I last blew the candles I wondered if we would have a little one with us on my next birthday. The answer couldn’t have been better, not only there’s one but two amazing little ones with us who couldn’t be more perfect. So I’m very happy about turning forty and everything I have with me today. And thank you for helping me celebrate!”

Everyone raises their glasses to make a toast and Jensen leans down to give his husband a sweet kiss. Despite everything, life has been very kind to them, and being here today is truly a gift.

*

Two days later Jared and Jensen take Ozzie to see a specialist. They leave Kelly at home with Donna since they agreed the girl would probably find everything too boring. Jensen is anxious to know what the doctor will tell them, and he knows his husband is too. They’ve chosen Dr. Smith, who is Jared’s physiatrist, a doctor who specializes in enhancing the abilities and quality of life of those with some kind of impairment or disability, and who Jared consults with from time to time - he’s also the one who wrote the report deeming Jared able to care for a child as they were applying to be foster parents. He’s a great doctor and Jared assured Jensen he would be the best option to take Ozzie.

When the secretary tells them the doctor is ready to see them, Jared leads the way and Ozzie wheels right after him, Jensen following both of them. Entering the office, Dr. Smith greets both Jared and Jensen, and his husband introduces Ozzie to him.

“Kerr, this is Oliver Zane, but you can call him Ozzie. He’s our foster son.”

The doctor smiles kindly at the boy and crouches down in front of him, offering a hand. “Nice to meet you Ozzie, I’m Doctor Smith but you can call me Kerr, okay?” Ozzie nods and shakes his hand, and Jensen can see the boy is a bit nervous. The doctor picks up on that too. “You don’t need to feel nervous, I’m not gonna hurt you. I just want to run some tests so we can see what can be done to help you. That would be cool, right?” Ozzie nods and the doctor gets up, sitting at his desk and everyone gets settled.

“So, Jared, Jensen. I was able to retrieve some files from when Ozzie had surgeries when he was a baby, but unfortunately he never received proper treatment after that. I want to run some tests so I can tell for sure the extent of his condition and determine the proper treatment for him. I would like to do those first and then we can sit down and talk about it, and you can ask any questions you have, alright?”

Both men agree and Ozzie is taken for X-Rays, a CT scan, blood tests and the doctor also tests Ozzie’s level of sensibility with touches and questions. They have to wait for a while to get all the results, and then finally they are called to the office again, and the doctor has a lot of papers and scans on his desk.

“Well, now I have a clearer knowledge of Ozzie’s condition. As you probably already know, his condition is called spina bifida, which is a birth defect that causes incomplete closing of the backbone and membranes around the spinal cord. There are three types of spina bifida, and Ozzie was born with the most severe one, which is called myelomeningocele. The bones in his spine didn’t form the normal way, and it protruded through an opening along with the membranes that cover the spinal cord. He was born with a kind of sac on his lower back that enclosed all the spinal elements, and had surgeries when he was a little baby to close this defect and prevent further infections. Unfortunately, this condition can cause a lot of complications to the child since it causes nerve damage below the affected area, which can’t be reverted with surgery. Myelomeningocele is somewhat similar to a spinal cord injury, it can cause partial or total paralysis, poor or no bladder control, but it also includes many other complications.

“I have to say that I’m very impressed with Ozzie’s health, considering that he has never received proper treatment. If we can say that, he was lucky enough not to have developed hydrocephalus, which causes a large amount of fluid in his brain, and he would need a shunt placed in it to drain this fluid regularly. Actually from what I can tell here, Ozzie has what we can call a mild case of myelomeningocele since it only caused him paralysis and poor bladder control, if we consider all complications that could occur. From the sensibility and movement tests I ran with him, and also the CT scan, I can tell he’s only partially paralyzed, not completely. And I’m positive, considering my experience, that given the proper treatment Ozzie could have some improvement in his movements and feelings in his legs. Of course it varies from person to person, but with intense physical therapy, in the future he could even walk with braces and crutches. Would you like that, Ozzie?”

Ozzie looks at Jared and then Jensen with widened eyes, and then at the doctor with a tentative smile. “Really? I would be able to walk like Jared does?”

Doctor Smith looks at Jared questioningly, who clarifies. “Ozzie saw me walking with my braces and crutches and he loved it.”

The doctor nods and smiles kindly at Ozzie. “Yes Ozzie, that would be kind of like Jared walks. You’re gonna have to be patient though, it takes a lot of time to reach this level since you never received treatment before. But that can be fixed if we all work together. And from now on, Ozzie’s health must be watched more closely; even if he never developed any complications so far it doesn’t mean that can’t occur in the future. Ozzie can live a normal and happy life and there are a lot of technology to help improve the quality of his life even more. And we are gonna make sure that happens.”

When they leave the doctor’s office, Ozzie talks nonstop about how excited he is to start his treatment, and it’s contagious, Jensen can’t wait either.

Then, they take Oliver to be fitted for a new wheelchair since he has outgrown his current one and it’s heavy and ancient, just not appropriate for him. Jared has insisted the boy needs a new lightweight model ASAP, so they do just that and Oliver even gets to choose a color for his new chair, he decides it will be blue. The fostering agency didn’t give them a budget for a wheelchair like this, but both Jared and Jensen have decided to get a good quality one for Oliver anyway. From their own experience they know it will improve Ozzie’s quality of life a lot, and it makes the kid very happy.

*

Jared and Jensen go back to work a few days later, both of them feeling broken-hearted for having to leave the kids, but they are in good hands with Donna and Alan, who come by everyday to stay with them, or they can also go to their place since it’s also fully adapted and of course, Donna has bought a lot of toys for them as well. And luckily the kids love Jensen’s parents, so it’s all good.

Jensen has decided to work part-time a few days a week so he can take Ozzie to physical therapy. Of course his parents could do it but it’s something he wants to be a part of, he also wants to build a connection with Ozzie like Jared already has - he wants for his husband and him to connect with both kids individually. Jared goes with them for the first session since he wants to be there as well, while Kelly stays with Donna and Alan. It goes by uneventfully; the therapist, Emma, is a sweet lady who Ozzie likes right away, she explains everything to him in a way he can understand, and does a few light exercises with him to start stimulate the muscles in his legs. When they leave the session, Ozzie is again feeling very excited so they all go for ice cream to celebrate, of course bringing some to Kelly and Jensen’s parents and sharing with them how everything went.

*

A few weeks go by and they fall more and more into a routine, Susan sometimes visits them to see how the kids are doing and is always happy to see how they’re thriving under Jared and Jensen’s care. They had asked her if the kids shouldn’t visit their mother in prison eventually, but Susan said she had requested not to see them. Jensen can’t understand not wanting to see them but maybe she doesn’t want them to see her in that situation. He tries not to judge her.

In the last week of August the kids finally start school. Jared and Jensen take the morning off to accompany them, and of course it’s not easy since the kids are afraid to leave them to go to an unknown place. They had chosen a good recommended school, which is also prepared to receive a kid with special needs, and even though Jensen feels bad for having to leave them to be under a stranger’s care, he and Jared know they will be in excellent hands. Kelly and Ozzie cry at first but as they start to get to know their teachers and new friends better, they begin to accept the new environment more, and soon Jared and Jensen are pretty much forgotten.

The kids adapt to school pretty quickly, and in a few days they already feel excited with the prospect of going, even feeling sad when the weekend comes. Jensen is relieved, he was dreading the adaptation since the kids had never been to school but thankfully he had nothing to worry about. It’s incredible how perfectly the kids fit into their lives, it’s like they were always meant to be there, and each day that passes Jensen feels closer to them, he enjoys spending time with them, both together and individually, they are slowly learning traits of each kid’s personalities, what they like and don’t, and also learning how to deal with them. Jensen misses them when he’s at work and everyday he can’t wait to go back home to see them. At weekends they usually do something together, all of them as a family, and it always feels amazing. He was afraid he wouldn’t be a good parent since he has never been one, but of course all parents go through it for the first time. Jensen finds out he’s a natural and even more, so is Jared. It fills Jensen’s heart with love to see how Jared cares for the kids, he’s always patient, loving and very kind. The connection he has with Ozzie is so special Jensen can’t even believe it sometimes. The social worker was right in choosing a parent who also has a disability to care for Ozzie, it’s a truly a perfect match. Jensen can see how much the boy looks up to Jared, how he’s inspired by him and how important it is for him to have a role model who is just like him, to see that he can grow up to be a successful and happy person even with limitations.

Jensen finishes reading both of them a bedtime story - they take turns doing it or sometimes do it together - and as both kids fall asleep, Jensen kisses each of them goodnight and leaves their bedroom. He goes to his own bedroom but doesn’t find Jared there so he goes searching around the house. Not finding him inside, Jensen notices the french doors opened so he goes out to the backyard. He finally locates Jared sitting on the loveseat at their back porch, and Harley sleeping curled up on the seat of Jared’s wheelchair which is parked next to him, his husband absently petting the dog and staring into the distance. As Jensen sits beside him, he realizes Jared has tears streaming down his face, and he’s instantly on alert.

“Jared, baby, what’s wrong?” He turns his body towards Jared and places a gentle hand on his face, wiping a tear away.

Jared lowers his head and breathes a few times before looking up at Jensen with pained eyes. “It’s just… I wish we hadn’t decided to foster Ozzie and Kelly.”

Jensen is shocked with Jared’s words, of all things he would never expect to hear that. He thought Jared was happy with the kids, he would never imagine his husband might be feeling something else.

“But Jay… I thought you were happy, that you also felt they were perfect for us, that you loved them.”

Jared swallows hard before answering, his eyes welling up again. “I do! They are fucking perfect to us Jensen, I love them so much, every day that passes I love them even more!”

Jensen frowns. “But then…”

“That’s the problem, isn’t it?” Jared interrupts him. “They aren’t _ours_ , we are only temporarily taking care of them. They will probably go back to their mom at some point and we are gonna have to say goodbye to them.” The next few words are said almost in a whisper, filled with pain. “I’m not sure I can say goodbye to them, Jensen.”

Hearing those words, it feels as if a hand is squeezing Jensen’s heart. He has tried not to think about it much, it hurts to much, but Jared is right. They aren’t their kids, they have them only temporarily, and there’s a big chance they will have to let them go eventually. Jensen doesn’t know how that would be, they’ve grown too attached already. He places an arm around Jared’s shoulders and bring his husband close to him, who silently cries on his shoulder.

“I know Jay, it’s hard. But I also know you don’t mean what you said, that you wish we hadn’t taken them in. They were meant to come to us, even if it’s not forever. And even if they do go away we will always love them, and we want only the best for them, don’t we?” Jared nods into his chest. “It’s not easy but we should hope for the best. I know things are going to work out the best way and if they are truly meant to be with us, destiny will find a way to make it happen. And if it’s not meant to be then we will get over this together, just as we’ve been doing everything in our lives. Let’s try not to focus on that too much for now and enjoy the time we have with them, okay?”

Jared nods again and snuggles closer to Jensen, who silently prays for Ozzie and Kelly not to be taken from them. He hopes for one more miracle to be added to their long list.

_**Jared** _

On September 6th Jared and Jensen travel to Rio de Janeiro, finally being able to enjoy the Christmas present that Jared - or Santa - gave both of them, to watch the Paralympic Games that start in two days. They had given some thought about whether or not they should really go, now that they have Ozzie and Kelly to think about. Jared and Jensen had considered taking the kids to Rio with them, but the paperwork needed to take two kids who aren’t legally adopted by them to another country is huge. Plus, they just started school and are adapting well, it wouldn’t be good for them to miss two weeks of classes. They had discussed it with Susan, who had agreed that the kids stay under Donna and Alan’s care for the duration of Jared and Jensen’s trip.

It doesn’t mean it’s easy for Jared to leave the kids behind. Just the other day he had a moment where he started questioning if fostering Ozzie and Kelly had been a good idea since he was growing too attached and there was a big possibility they could be taken away from their home at any day. But of course he didn’t mean it and Jensen helped him come to his senses again, Jared doesn’t regret it not for one minute, he knew from the get go what fostering entails, and learning to let go is a part of the process. He’s gonna give Ozzie and Kelly all the love he can for as long as they need it and pray for the best. It will be hard staying away for two weeks, and Jared just hopes they’re still here when Jensen and him come back.

But on the other hand, Jared just can’t wait to spend these days away with his husband. As they get settled on their business class seats for the long - and thankfully direct - flight, Jared takes the hand Jensen is offering him and squeezes it, smiling fondly at his husband. They’ve been through so much during the past year, their lives took a complete and unexpected turn a little over a year ago when Jensen was diagnosed with cancer and everything has been a rollercoaster of emotions and events since then. Jared has never been so scared of something in his life, in a lot of moments he thought he might lose Jensen; even after thinking the cancer was gone Jensen found a way to scare him again with the pneumonia. There were moments Jared thought he would finally break, when he thought his strength had ended. But it was Jensen himself who made him fight, the immeasurable love he feels for this man was the strength Jared needed, and in the end everything turned out okay. Of course Jensen has to do regular check ups to make sure the cancer doesn’t return, but they are feeling positive. Jensen is finally getting his physical strength back, he’s working out regularly, going for runs and also swimming with Jared. He’s pretty much back to his previous shape and looking completely healthy, his skin is back to a tanned color and his hair is fully grown again. Jared had missed running his fingers through those dark blonde locks so that’s what he does now.

“Ready for our trip?” Jared asks Jensen with a smile on his face as they wait for all the other passengers to board the plane as well.

“Definitely,” Jensen answers as he takes Jared’s hand from his hair and kisses his palm. “As long as it’s with you my love, I’m always ready for anything. And I can’t wait to get there!”

*

After ten hours they finally land in Galeão International Airport, and Jared is so ready to get out of this cramped space and stretch his body a bit; it always suffers in long flights even if he’s in business class. After disembarking and getting their suitcases, they find the car rental area and get the Jeep they had booked. Jensen drives them to their hotel at Ipanema beach and once they get off the car and enter the lobby, Jared can hear Jensen whistling. He takes a look around and feels glad he chose this hotel, it’s definitely _nice._ He already expected it from what he paid for it, he wanted only the best for Jensen and himself, but seeing it in person is even better. And more importantly, from what he can see the whole place is easily accessible. They head to the reception to check in and make sure they are given an adapted room as previously requested, and then Jared and Jensen follow the porter who is carrying their luggage up to their floor.

Once they all stop in front of their room Jensen unlocks it and motions for the porter to go inside. He then turns to Jared with raised eyebrows. “Wait here, baby.”

Jared frowns, wondering why he can’t go inside their room but does as Jensen said. He waits as the guy unloads their luggage from the cart, and before leaving Jensen tips him. Once the guy is finally gone Jensen walks outside the room and Jared gives him an exasperated look.

“Can I go inside now? I’m kinda tired and sore ya know, and I want out of these plane clothes.”

Jensen crosses his arms and gives Jared a dirty look. “Oh I can help with that. How tired are you, exactly?”

Jared can’t help but smirk back at Jensen. “Well, not enough for _that_ , but we shouldn’t start this out here, should we? I mean, it’s a nice hotel and all, I’m sure there are cameras and I don’t want us to get kicked out on the first day.”

Jensen closes the distance between them and leans down, placing an arm around Jared’s back and the other under his knees. “Oh definitely not baby,” he whispers in Jared’s ear as he lifts him up, taking Jared by surprise, who wraps his arms around Jensen’s neck.

“Jen, are you sure you should be lifting me up? I mean, you’re still getting your strength back and…” Jensen shuts Jared up with a sweet kiss as he slowly carries him inside the room.

“Don’t worry love, I’ve been working out for a while now and I finally feel strong enough to do this.” Jensen tightens his grip on Jared and nudges his neck with his nose. “Months ago, while I was still going through the chemo sessions, I promised myself I’d get strong enough to carry you into our hotel in Rio. Wanted it to be a surprise, I missed carrying you so much.”

Jensen gently places Jared on the middle of the bed, and after a quick kiss he runs back to the hallway to get his wheelchair inside the room and lock the door. Jared supports himself with his arms behind him and takes a look around the room; what he can see looks very nice. The bed is situated in the middle of it, facing a wall with closed drapes. Jensen walks to it and peeks outside for a few moments. He then turns to Jared with a smirk on his face.

“I have an idea.”

Jared lifts an eyebrow. “Oh really?”

“Yes,” Jensen answers as he goes to his suitcase and opens it, rummaging inside. “But you have to promise you will be quiet.”

This time both Jared’s eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, _really_?”

Jensen approaches him holding his scarf, and sits next to him on the bed. “Since I know you trust me, I’m gonna blindfold you because it’s a surprise.”

Jared’s heart skips a beat with excitement, over the years Jensen has always come up with great ideas for them and has never disappointed. Jared trusts his husband completely, he always makes sure Jared is 100% included on the fun and feels pleasure as well. He doesn’t like not being able to see very much because it means losing another of his senses, but allows Jensen do it whenever he wants to since something great always follows.

“Keep this on while I get everything ready okay?” Jensen asks as he gently covers Jared’s eyes and ties the scarf behind his head, and Jared nods. He hears as Jensen walks away, his hearing instantly picking up to pay attention to what his husband is doing. Jared sits against the numerous pillows and brings his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. Whenever Jared can’t see he feels more at ease if he’s touching his legs.

Jared tries to be patient as he hears Jensen getting around the room, and when he can’t hear him at all he wonders what he’s up to. Jared is beyond curious but he knows that if he peeks, Jensen will kill him. Plus, he does like surprises. Finally Jared hears Jensen approaching him and senses he’s standing next to him, so he lifts his head towards his husband. Jensen runs a hand over Jared’s hair and glues his mouth to his ear.

“Put your arms around me.”

Jared immediately feels chills as he hears his lover’s voice like this, and does as Jensen asked. Jensen then places his arms under Jared and lifts him up again. Jared buries his face on Jensen’s neck since he can’t see where they’re going but as usual he fully trusts Jensen to carry him. He feels they’ve crossed a threshold and are somewhere outside since he can now feel a warm breeze instead of the air conditioned from inside.

“I’m gonna put you down now,” Jensen tells Jared using that same sweet voice, and Jared puts one arm down to feel the surface Jensen is lying him on. He’s placed on a cushioned thing, maybe a couch. Then, he feels Jensen’s hand on his shoulder pushing him down, so he lies back but not completely, it looks like he’s on a sun chair. Jensen sits next to him and whispers again, placing a strand of hair behind Jared’s ear.

“Ready?”

Jared blindly finds Jensen’s hand and links their fingers, squeezing it tight. “Ready.”

Slowly, Jensen pulls the scarf up. Jared blinks a few times so his eyes can adjust to the light again, and when he can finally see clearly, his heart skips a beat. They’re at the balcony of their room, facing the most spectacular view. The beach is right in front of them, an endless blue ocean, and the sun is almost setting so the sky is a fantastic mix of orange and blue with a few scarce clouds. If Jared looks to his right, he can see the famous Sugarloaf Mountain, damn the whole thing looks like a painting and Jared stares at it open mouthed.

“Wow, Brazil is really beautiful indeed. The view is breathtaking.” Jared speaks in wonder, and his gaze travels to Jensen, who is looking fondly at him while caressing his hair.

“Yes, yes it is.”

Jared smiles at his husband and closes the distance to give him a sweet kiss. When they break apart Jensen makes a motion with his hand. “So, do you like it?”

Jared takes a look around to check the balcony they’re at. They’re indeed lying on a sun chair, it’s actually a double one wide enough to fit both Jensen and him. Jensen has covered it with a duvet and it does feel cozier like that. Jared notices a bottle of (hopefully non-alcoholic) champagne chilling on a bucket and two glasses on a small table next to them and a few candles lit.

“Did you bring candles?”

Jensen shrugs. “What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic.”

Jared chuckles and notices the balcony has walls on both sides and a tinted glass railing, giving them full privacy. Jared suddenly _loves_ this idea.

“So tell me baby… what _exactly_ do you have in mind?”

“Well… to begin, I’m gonna take care of you. Over the past months you took such good care of me, now I really want to take care of you. So just enjoy it, my love.” Jensen gets up and walks behind Jared, slowly lowering the backrest on the sun chair so Jared is lying flatly on his back. “First of all, you need to stretch your body after the flight.”

Jared does feel better immediately with the new position, and Jensen goes on. He walks around the chair - which is now more like a bed - and stops at Jared’s feet, sitting down next to them. “If I remember correctly, you said you wanted out of these plane clothes, right?”

Jensen doesn’t wait for an answer as he starts to take Jared’s shoes off. Jared braces himself on his elbows as he watches Jensen removing his socks too, and then he climbs on the chair and kneels beside Jared, placing both hands on the waist of his pants - he’s wearing sweatpants because of the long flight since it’s more comfortable and gentle on his skin - and brings them down his legs. Then Jared helps as Jensen takes off his shirt too, leaving him only on his underwear - thankfully it’s a warm day.

Jared lies back again and looks at Jensen. “Aren’t you gonna take these off too?”

“Have patience, my love.” Jensen winks and reaches for the small table, coming back with a bottle that looks like massage oil. “I remember you said you’re feeling sore, so allow me to give you a massage.”

Jared feels chills running through his upper body, he just _loves_ when Jensen gives him a massage.

Jensen positions himself next to Jared, kneeling beside his torso and squeezing some oil in his hand, rubbing both of them together to warm it up. He starts massaging Jared’s chest, gently running his hand over it to spread the oil, and gives Jared’s tattoo a quick kiss. Jared closes his eyes and enjoys it while he listen to the soothing sound of the waves down there. Jensen works on his torso and arms, going down to his waist which is the most delicate part since it’s the division between feeling and no feeling on Jared’s body, it’s ultra-sensitive and a wrong touch there can be uncomfortable and also lead to the neuropathic pain he has on his back. Over the years Jensen has learned how to touch Jared just the right way and even make it pleasurable, so Jared doesn’t even worry. He gently massages it, running his thumbs down to the sides of Jared’s waist like a line and up again. Then Jensen moves down to the part Jared can’t feel, his hips, legs and feet. Even though he doesn’t feel them, it’s important that those parts get attention as well. So Jared opens his eyes again so he can see what Jensen is doing. Once he finishes massaging both Jared’s feet, Jensen bends his legs and brings them up to his chest, then stretches them again, repeating the movement a few times before offering a hand to help Jared turn on his stomach.

Jensen then straddles Jared, carefully sitting on his hips and starts massaging his shoulders, they get extra attention since they do a lot of work everyday with Jared using his arms to push himself, so they’re constantly sore. Then Jensen works on the back of Jared’s arms and his upper back, forcefully rubbing the muscles there. His touches become light again as Jensen runs his hand down the old scar from Jared’s spine surgery that goes all the way down his waist, which Jensen is also careful with, specially when he hits the exact spot of Jared’s injury, which he gives a kiss. When Jensen moves down to Jared’s legs, kneeling beside his body, he starts telling everything he’s doing since Jared can’t see from this angle. Jensen also lowers Jared’s underwear to check his buttcheeks, to see if there are any signs of rashes or pressure sores specially after the long flight. At last Jensen massages Jared’s calves for a while, and bends his legs again at the knee, pushing his feet towards his thighs, down again, and repeats it a few times.

Jensen gently places Jared’s legs down and straddles him again, blanketing Jared’s body with his own and planting a sweet kiss on the back of his neck.

“All done, my love. Feeling better?”

Jared lets out a sigh and murmurs in agreement, turning his face up enough so Jensen can kiss his lips. “Is this over?” He murmurs into Jensen’s lips, who shakes his head.

“No fucking way. Real fun starts now. I’m gonna open you up like this, alright?”

“Anything you want, baby.” Jared feels lazy after the massage session but he’s suddenly alert again with the prospect of what’s about to happen. Jensen kneels back up and grabs a pillow, lifting Jared’s hips up to place it under him.

“Gonna take off your underwear now, and also my own clothes.” Jensen says and Jared nods. After a few moments Jensen murmurs into Jared’s ear. “And now I’m spreading your legs. Want to help me?”

Jared nods again and reaches behind him, placing one hand on each buttcheek and spreading them apart, fully exposing his hole to Jensen. It’s his most intimate part, which he of course only trusts to Jensen specially since he can’t feel it for the most part. Jared turns his face around enough to see Jensen leaning down to plant a kiss to his hole. For a moment, not for the first time, Jared wishes he could feel the kiss, but swallows the feeling down. Everything is amazing right now. Jensen reaches for the massage oil beside Jared, who hears the cap being opened. It’s not the first time they’ve used that as a lube.

Jensen blankets Jared’s body again, licking his earlobe. “I’m starting to finger you know, baby. You know how I love just how tight you are, don’t you?”

Jared nods as he feels with his hands as Jensen rubs his thighs against him while he opens him up, usually Jared joins him but sometimes it’s more practical for Jensen to do it by himself depending on the position they are in, like right now. With his other hand Jensen reaches under Jared’s torso, lightly pinching his nipple with thumb and forefinger, and Jared’s body instantly reacts, he lifts his head and Jensen takes advantage of it, sucking the exposed side of his neck, making Jared murmur his name.

“You like this, Jay?” Jensen murmurs into his ear and Jared nods once, his eyes closed. “I can’t hear you. Maybe if I do this?” Jensen pinches Jared’s nipple harder as he licks the back of his ear, knowing it’s a pleasurable spot for him, and this time Jared can’t hold it back.

“Ahhh, Jensen!”

Jensen takes his hand off Jared’s chest and places it over Jared’s mouth. “Shhh. Quiet, remember? We can’t have the neighbors hearing us now, can we? Maybe there’s someone right next to us. That could actually be hot.”

Jared imagines someone watching them right now and even though he finds it weird, he is also turned on with the idea. Jensen picks up on that.

“Nice, huh? It’s because we’re so gorgeous specially combined like this.” He removes his hand from Jared’s mouth and places it again around his chest. “I’m done here love. I have three fingers up your sweet pink hole that I love so much, and we have to take good care of it, don’t we?” Jared nods and feels his body moving down, knowing that Jensen removed the pillow from under him, ruling out fucking him from behind. He’s wondering what Jensen has in mind when he glues his mouth to Jared’s ear again. “I’m gonna turn us both around now, help me okay?”

Jared hastly nods, and Jensen positions himself for the turn, wrapping a firm arm around Jared’s torso and entwining their legs so Jared’s will come too as they turn. Jared bends his arm and plants his palm down the mattress, and Jensen does the same with his free hand.

“Ready?” Jensen asks and Jared nods again. Jensen counts 1, 2, 3 and Jared pushes down alongside Jensen, forcing his torso backwards as Jensen pulls him back along with himself. Jensen pulls Jared’s hips up, positioning him so he’s lying fully on top of Jensen. Jensen readjusts the pillows he had positioned earlier under his head so they’re just a bit propped up, and wraps both hands around Jared’s chest, hugging him close, and murmurs in his ear.

“Want you to be on top of me tonight, love.”

Jared’s heart skips a beat, they use this position sometimes since it’s the way they found for Jared to stay on top of Jensen as they have sex. It’s not always that they do it since it’s more practical and quick for Jensen to be on top, but sometimes they enjoy venturing like tonight. Jensen plays with both of Jared’s nipples as he licks a trail down his jaw, his neck and shoulder, sucking random spots as he goes. Jared forcefully bites his bottom lip so he can be quiet and reaches down, spreading his own legs to the sides so he can find Jensen’s dick, which is almost fully hard by now.

“Someone’s excited, huh?” Jared manages to whisper between harsh breaths, and Jensen moans obscenely loud in his ear, giving him goosebumps.

“Well, that’s what you do to me baby. Hadn’t even touched it yet and look how fucking hard I already am for you. You’re the only one who makes me feel this way Jay, the only one I need. And right now, I need to be inside of you, I want to be at home. Come on, do it.”

Jared forces his brain to work through the fog of pleasure, and he extends a hand as Jensen opens the oil bottle again, squeezing some on it. Jared coats Jensen’s dick with oil and uses the rest on his own hole. He places one hand around it and wraps the other hand around Jensen’s hard dick, bringing it to his entrance. Jensen is panting in his ear and he can feel Jensen’s chest rising and falling underneath him. Jared positions Jensen in place and forces the mushroom head inside himself. Jensen thrusts his hips up so he can enter Jared, who feels it with his hands. Jensen goes inside slowly, and when he bottoms out, he takes one hand off Jared’s chest and grabs his hair forcefully, yanking his head back to rest on his shoulder.

“Gonna move now, Jay” He whispers and Jared just nods, closing his eyes as he feels his body moving alongside Jensen’s, and when Jensen thrusts up, hitting his prostate, Jared finally feels him inside, and he just can’t hold back a loud moan.

“Can you feel me, baby?” Jensen whispers, massaging his scalp, and Jared nods.

“Feels so good, Jen. I love being able to feel you so much. Don’t stop please, give me more.”

“Your wish is my command, baby.” Jensen repeats the gesture, this time he bends his legs higher, planting his feet firmly on the mattress and causing Jared’s legs - which are on top of his - to spread further apart, allowing for him to thrust even deeper. And he does just that, using that leverage to bury himself inside Jared just at the right angle for him to feel Jensen every time he thrusts, and Jared murmurs Jensen’s name on his ear. Jensen pushes Jared’s head away by his hair, and sucks on a spot on the side of his neck hard and for a long time as he keeps moving inside of him. When Jensen’s done, he plants a kiss on the spot.

“Been a while since I last marked you as mine. Not that we need more reminders but it’s always nice. And I’m gonna come now, baby.”

Jensen buries himself inside Jared as deeply as he can, both his arms wrapped tightly around him, who turns his head so he can kiss Jensen, hungrily, as he lets out his load inside Jared. When there’s only a bit left he pulls out, Jared strokes him to finish it and Jensen comes on Jared’s hand too. He collapses against the pillows and Jared brings his hand to his lips, licking Jensen’s come to the last drop. When he finishes it, he looks at Jensen and deliberately licks his lips. Jensen doesn’t wait two seconds to attack those lips with his own, kissing Jared hard and licking the inside of his mouth, tasting himself in him. Jared places a hand behind Jensen’s head to pull him even closer and they just kiss for a while. Without breaking the contact, Jensen carefully moves Jared from over him to lie him down on the mattress, adjusting his legs accordingly. Jensen places a pillow under Jared’s head and lies half on top of him, wrapping an arm around his torso and his leg around Jared’s, and they share the pillow.

“Did you like it, baby?” Jensen asks as he runs the fingers of his free hand through Jared’s hair.

“Are you kidding?” Jared answers, turning his face towards Jensen’s, and they’re just inches apart. “I think we can add tonight to our top five. With this amazing scenario in front of us, and how you took care of me, of every detail, and everything, I just…” Jared makes a pause as he feels his emotions bubbling up and his eyes become wet - he’s such a sap. “I know we’ve been together for a long time and you know this already, but thank you for making me feel so much pleasure when I’m with you. I am able to feel more when I’m with you, even without feeling half of my body, than I ever did with any other guy when I had full sensation and function. I would never change this for anything, ever. So thank you.”

Jensen unwraps his arm from around Jared to gentle wipe his tears, leaning over to give him a lingering kiss. “Well, your pleasure is my pleasure my love,” Jensen says with a low voice. “And it’s always this good because we’re perfect for each other. Because I love you more than life itself and I know you love me like this too. So when we’re one, it’s like magic. You may not be able to feel me completely with your body, but our souls feel each other way more deeply than we can even comprehend. We just feel it...” He places a hand over Jared’s heart to show him. “...right here.”

They look at each other for a long time, completely wrapped in each other physically and emotionally, and Jared just can’t believe how lucky he is. This is just perfect, exactly what he needs. Feeling Jensen so close to him, so alive after everything, is so incredibly amazing that Jared has no words to describe. They just feel it. Eventually they look up, night has fallen and there are a lot of stars in the sky. They watch as the city gets all lit up, still full of life at night, and it’s even more beautiful. Some time passes with both of them in silence, and Jared finally speaks.

“So… not that I’m complaining about being here but… I’m kinda hungry.”

Jensen laughs and looks fondly at Jared. “Go figure! Fine, let’s order room service. Unless you want to go out?” Jensen frowns at him.

“No fucking way I’m leaving this room tonight.”

“Thank God!” Jensen gets up to go find the menu, and Jared forces himself to sit up, asking Jensen to bring his wheelchair and also a robe. He doesn’t want to move but he really needs to go to the bathroom now to avoid an accident. Once Jared comes out of the bathroom Jensen has already ordered food for both of them. They also need a shower but that can wait, food is more important right now. When it arrives, they decide to eat at the balcony, there’s a small table set there as well. Jared removes a chair and parks his own at the table, and Jensen grabs the champagne bottle and glasses.

“It’s virgin, I had asked them to put in here.” He pours it on both their glasses and they make a toast, sparing a few moments to look at the city down there. Jared feels emotional again.

“When this whole thing began, the cancer and all, I promised you we would come here for the games since we had to leave Toronto. At the time it felt so uncertain, for a lot of moments I wasn’t sure I would be able to fulfill this promise. But after everything we’ve been through, here we are. I’m here with you in this beautiful city and I will never take a single moment for granted, ever again. It’s amazing to be here. So here’s to us, my love.”

Jared raises his glass and Jensen toasts with him, his eyes wet as well. “It’s because we are the miracle Jay, remember? Just being here with you today, alive, is one more miracle to add to our list. And right now, I know everything we went through was worth it. Here’s to our life together. It may not be perfect, but I wouldn’t change it for any other.”

Jensen reaches for Jared’s hand as they drink, and Jared agrees with him. He would never change this ever, their small miracle. And he will be thankful for this every single day he’s allowed to wake up and look into Jensen’s luminous eyes. And in that moment he realizes it’s actually a miracle the size of the universe. The size of the love they feel for each other.

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! sorry for the long wait for the new chapter. I hope you guys enjoy this one, it's another one of my favorites and the longest one! I was looking forward to this trip to Rio, specially because it's my country (you will see more of this trip on chapter 22). I had a hard time with this chapter because I wanted to write a sex scene when they arrived at the hotel but didn't want an ordinary scene. I couldn't figure out what to do and received some help on Twitter. So I want to thank Kelios and Magdalena for the ideas, these guys were crucial to make this scene happened, and it became one of my favorites ever. What did you guys think of this one? any hints on what's gonna happen with Kelly and Ozzie? You know I love to hear yout thoughts about everything!
> 
> here are a few links to give a better idea of this chapter:
> 
> [Exterior of their hotel in Rio](https://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com/media/photo-o/11/6d/0e/00/exterior.jpg)
> 
> [Their hotel room in Rio](https://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com/media/photo-o/14/86/9c/f4/guest-room.jpg)
> 
> [If you want a better view of the sex position Jared and Jensen used - *NSFW ALERT*! (thank you Mag)](https://66.media.tumblr.com/31fafa4934a823b26e8982706951a18e/tumblr_phfvfvK4QH1rlgbkbo1_540.jpg)
> 
> PS: last week I posted a new installment to my fic The Love That Remains, it's not a sequel, just the real story that inspired that fic. If you want to check it out, [here it is.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16382969)
> 
> Thank you for reading this chapter!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies since this chapter is unbetaed, all mistakes are my own!
> 
> [Song for this chapter - Wait for it!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFQAVRe0pcg)

__

_**Jared** _

Jared and Jensen go sightseeing the next day, they just can’t wait to see more of the city. First they visit the famous Sugarloaf Mountain, and they get into a cable car that takes them up the first mountain. Thankfully the whole place is completely accessible and there are people trained to assist Jared whenever needed. The view from the top of the mountain is spectacular, and there’s a nice wide space to get around, with gift shops, places to eat and so on. Then, they take another car to the top of the highest mountain and the view is even more beautiful. Jensen and Jared both take a thousand pictures, from the scenario, each other and together of course, asking other people to do it.

Then, they drive around the city a bit and stop for lunch at a local restaurant. In the afternoon Jensen drives them back to the hotel and they hang out at the huge pool at the top of the building, sunbathing on the sun chairs and swimming too - they race each other and of course Jared wins as usual.

In the evening, they head to the Maracanã Stadium for the opening ceremony of the Paralympic Games. Jared is very excited about it, he loves the opening and closing ceremonies. It’s the first time he’s watching one from the audience, he was still competing in London 2012. When they arrive at their seats, they meet up with other members of the U.S. Paralympic committee, some of them who work alongside Jared. They chat until it starts, and when it does all of them remain quiet to see what happens. The first thing is a countdown with huge numbers spread through the stadium, and when it reaches zero there’s a huge ramp, a dude in a wheelchair rolls down it and does a front flip through the zero. Jared’s jaw drops as he watches it, he loves when people with a disability, specially someone in a wheelchair, do something truly awesome that most able-bodied people wouldn’t even dare. Jared himself is sure he’s never doing that, but it’s so satisfying to know he _could_. As they watch the performances Jensen nudges him, phone in hand, and talks close to his ear so Jared can hear him through the loud music.

“Jay, that dude is called Aaron Wheelz, he was born with spina bifida _and_ he is adopted!”

Jared’s jaw drops again as he takes the phone from Jensen to read about the guy. “Oh wow, I can’t wait to tell Ozzie about him!”

They watch the whole ceremony in wonder, everything is wonderful and well done. Jared and Jensen cheer when the U.S. athletes enter the stadium and Jared feels nostalgic. He got to carry the american flag at the last games, a huge honor for him. They leave the stadium a few hours later feeling happy and excited about the games that are about to start.

*

The next few days are spent watching the games and visiting the city. They don’t watch just swimming, Jared got both of them passes to all sports, so they try to watch a little of everything. Meanwhile they see other famous places, obviously they go up to the Christ the Redeemer. They drive up the mountain to a parking lot and then go up an elevator to the base level, and there they are informed that the only way up to the top is by escalators, no elevators. Jared is just a bit bummed by this fact but it’s not the first time he has had to use escalators. So with Jensen’s help they manage the ride, Jensen pushes Jared in and stays behind him securing Jared in place by holding onto the handlebar on his chair. When they reach the top Jensen pushes Jared out of it, and Jared takes in the amazing view from up there. It’s like nothing he had seen before and he’s speechless, as well as Jensen. When Jared looks up at the huge white Christ, he squeezes Jensen’s hand and sends a quick thank you for the chance of being here with Jensen, for his life. For their lives. And then of course, they take another bunch of pictures.

In the meantime, Jared and Jensen facetime with the kids constantly, they miss the little ones like crazy and also want to make sure the kids know they haven’t abandoned them, Jared and Jensen always making clear to Kelly and Ozzie they will go back to them soon. They also get a lot of presents for them, as well as Jensen’s parents and their friends.

The days go by, and in their last day in Rio - the closing ceremony happens later that night - Jensen has a surprise for Jared, and he tells him over breakfast.

“Jay, I saw something a couple of days ago and I would like for us to try it. It may be a bit crazy but I hope you trust me with this. I made all arrangements already for it to be awesome.”

Jared squeezes Jensen’s hand. “You know I trust you Jen, and I know whatever you come up with, it’s gonna be great.”

After getting ready, Jensen drives them to a new location, and as they approach a mountain and stop at a red light, Jensen makes a motion for Jared to look up through the windshield.

“How does that sound?”

Jared looks up and his mouth drops. There are people _flying_ up there. He turns to Jensen with wide eyes.

“We’re going hang gliding? Are you crazy?”

Jensen shakes his head, giving Jared a mischievous smile. “Not at all. Just want a nice adventure and to see the city the best way possible.”

“But Jen…” Jared feels odd all of the sudden for bringing it up, but he wants to make sure. “How will I… you know… can I?

Jensen takes Jared’s hand and plants a kiss on it. “Yes baby, you can. I got in touch with a club and explained you’re paraplegic. They told me they do accessible flights, they have experience with wheelchair users so I knew it was perfect. We’re gonna fly with professional pilots who will control the glider so don’t worry about it. It’s gonna be awesome, Jay. Don’t you think?”

Jensen gives him a hopeful look and Jared knows there’s no arguing. If he’s being honest, he’s excited too, specially knowing they do accessible flights too. They arrive at the club and are welcomed by the instructors who explain to them all about how the flight is gonna work specially in Jared’s case, and it puts him even more at ease, they clearly know what they’re doing. They’re taken by van to the top of the mountain, which has a wooden platform where people take off from. Jared is a bit nervous.

They do some training to learn what to do during all times, and then they’re strapped to the gliders, Jared has his legs securely bent behind him, also hanging from the thing. He looks at Jensen who’s next to him and will take off a few moments later. They smile at each other and Jensen gives him a wink.

“Have fun, love you!”

“You too,” Jared replies with a nervous smile.

When it’s time to go, another instructor holds Jared’s legs up since he won’t be able to run down the platform alongside the pilot, so the guy will do that for him. As they all prepare to take off, Jared holds onto the pilot as he runs and soon they’re on the air. It’s truly the most amazing thing Jared has ever experienced, the view is breathtaking, the sea is right under them and all that gorgeous city to see from up here. Eventually he can also see Jensen gliding close to him, and he sends his husband a smile. The pilot allows him to take over the glider and maneuver it for a few moments, and holy damn Jared is glad Jensen found this, he doesn’t have words to describe it. Jared screams in joy, he feels so _free_.

About ten minutes later they prepare to land on the beach, and it’s the part Jared is dreading the most. But as it turns out he had nothing to worry about, the landing is smooth and he is able to sit down on the sand without any problems. The pilot makes sure he’s okay and releases Jared from the straps holding him to the glider. Jared is pumped with adrenaline and he feels truly amazing. Jensen lands moments later and soon comes running to meet Jared, kneeling down beside him.

“Are you alright?” Jared nods, smiling, and Jensen gives him a hug. “Did you love it?” Jensen looks so full of life right now, his eyes sparkling, and Jared feels even happier.

“It was amazing Jen, thank you! You know what they say, if you can’t walk, then fly.”

“That’s right, baby!” Jensen kisses Jared quickly and positions himself with his back to him, who wraps his arms around Jensen’s neck. Jensen gives Jared a piggyback ride to the boardwalk where the van is waiting for them with Jared’s chair inside.

After going back to the club to get their car and a DVD with pictures from the flight, they decide to spend a lazy afternoon together, just to enjoy the city for the last time.

Jensen has also researched about the sunset, so when it’s almost time for it they go for a nice walk at the boardwalk - which thankfully is very wide and accessible - have fresh coconut water and then they head to Arpoador beach for the sunset itself. There’s a huge rock which people climb to have a perfect view of the sun setting down on the sea, but since Jared can’t climb the rock, they find a bench at the boardwalk and settle down, and the view is amazing from there as well. It’s truly one of the most beautiful sunsets Jared has ever seen. He takes a beautiful picture of Jensen and him sharing a sweet kiss with the sun setting behind them and posts it on Instagram, choosing part of a song as caption, it’s cheesy but it really conveys how Jared feels, he only makes changes to the tenses to fit perfectly.

_You gave me wings and made me fly_  
_You touched my hand I could touch the sky_  
_I lost my faith, you gave it back to me_  
_You said no star was out of reach_  
_You stand by me and I stand tall_  
_I have your love I have it all_  
_I'm grateful for each day you give me_  
_Maybe I don't know that much_  
_But I know this much is true_  
_I am blessed because I am loved by you_

Jared lies his head on Jensen’s shoulder and in a low voice, he sings the whole song to his husband as they watch the ocean in front of them.

_*_

Next morning they fly to São Paulo - which is less than an hour away - to spend a few days there too. They had decided to include the big city in their trip as well since hearing great things about it. And they aren’t disappointed, it’s a very urban city kind of like New York, with countless things to do and see, and more importantly, amazing restaurants and a great night life. Jared has to be careful not to gain a lot of weight since he would have to use his arms to wheel that extra weight around and that isn’t a fun thing to do. São Paulo doesn’t have those gorgeous scenarios like Rio does but it’s beautiful and charming in its own way, and both Jared and Jensen fall a bit in love with it as well. They spend their last day at Ibirapuera Park lying down by the lake, having a picnic, and it’s nice and romantic.

When it’s finally time to catch a flight back home, both of them are feeling happy, satisfied, and anxious to see their kids. As they get settled in their seats and are offered water, they make a toast.

“Here’s to our lovely trip!” Jensen says with a smile.

“And here’s to many more,” Jared completes. Now he knows that’s a possibility and he can’t wait.

*

When they land at JFK, Jared can’t wait to go home and see Ozzie and Kelly. Chris is supposed to come pick them up and Jared hopes their kids are waiting for them at their place. They get off the plane, go through customs and then collect their suitcases. Alongside Jensen, who’s pushing a cart with their luggage, Jared wheels outside the gate and his jaw drops when he sees who’s waiting for them. Not only Chris is there, but also Alan, Donna, Kelly and Ozzie. Each kid is holding a sign, one that says _Welcome home Jared!_ and the other, _Welcome home Jensen!_

Jared’s eyes water as he takes in the scene, he wheels faster towards the kids and as Kelly sees them, she drops the sign and runs to Jared, who catches her when she reaches him. Jared holds her in a tight hug, and the girl reciprocates it just as fiercely.

“I missed you baby girl,” Jared whispers to her.

When they break apart, she places both tiny hands on Jared’s face. “Missed you, Ja’ed!”

Jared chuckles and his gaze searches for Ozzie, who is currently being hugged by Jensen. Sitting Kelly on his lap, Jared wheels closer. When they break apart Jared can see Jensen is feeling emotional as well. He picks Kelly up from Jared’s lap, who gets closer to Ozzie and gives him a hug too, also saying how much he has missed the kid.

“Me too Jared, “ Ozzie answers. “I’m glad you’re back!”

Jared ruffles his hair. “So am I, buddy.”

After greeting Jensen’s parents and Chris, they go get the cars and drive home. Even though Jared is tired, he can’t wait to spend time with the kids. Jensen and him give them all the presents they got, and also hear all about the days they spent with Donna and Allan. They spend a lazy day together, catching up with the kids, and after giving both of them a bath, both Jared and Jensen tuck them in and read a story. Before leaving, Ozzie calls them from his bed, making both men turn around.

“Yeah, buddy?” Jared asks, wheeling close to him again.

“Kelly and I talked…” He starts, shyly. “And we decided we want to stay here with you.”

Jensen kneels down beside Jared, looking at both kids. “You’re already here with us, Ozzie. And we love having you guys here for as long as you need.”

“No,” Ozzie shakes his head, looking deadly serious. “I mean forever. We want to say here forever.”

Jared’s heart tightens and he tries to keep cool. He can see Jensen squeezing his knee. “But what about your mommy, Ozzie? Don’t you want to go back to her when she’s able to take you?”

Jared can see Kelly shaking her head vigorously as Ozzie answers. “No, we don’t. She doesn’t take care of us, you and Jensen do, and also Donna and Alan. We want to stay here and for you guys to be our daddies.”

Jared can feel his throat closing as he hears those words. He can’t get the words out and looks at Jensen, and he can see his husband is fighting his emotions.

“Well, we want that too Ozzie,” Jensen says after clearing his throat. “Let’s wait and see what happens okay?”

After leaving the kids’ room, neither Jared nor Jensen can say anything. They both know very well how much losing these kids is gonna hurt.

*

The next month and a half is spent quietly, and neither Jared nor Jensen complain because after the last year they had, quiet is good. They are both back to work full time, the kids are fully adapted to school and their home, it feels more and more like they really belong there. All of their friends also love the kids and come visit Jared and Jensen’s house way more often so they can see Ozzie and Kelly, always bringing something to them. Ozzie is also making slow progresses at the physical therapy, he has started to regain some more feeling and even barely there movements in his toes. Jared and Jensen also do some exercises with Ozzie at home that the therapist showed them, and of course they are experienced because of Jared himself, who has some good knowledge of what to do. They let Kelly “help” as well since they always want for her to feel included, it can be hard having a sibling with special needs who may end up receiving more attention, and Jared and Jensen have talked about doing everything so that doesn’t happen. They always want both of them to feel equally loved and important.

Jared is very excited about all the progress Ozzie is making, he only hopes he can see the whole road the boy will get through. Jensen and him always have the constant worry that the social worker will come and take Ozzie and Kelly away from them at any moment. They try not to let these thoughts consume them but it’s hard. It even keeps Jared - and Jensen - up at night sometimes. He can only pray for the best.

When Halloween comes Jensen is bursting with excitement, even more than he usually gets around this time of the year, and Jared can’t blame him. Last Halloween Jensen had just had his lung surgery - how did a whole _year_ go by since that already? - and was fragile from the toll the whole treatment was taking on his body, so he completely forgot about it. Jared had to step up and get everything ready, including getting them costumes, to lift Jensen’s spirits a little. But _now_ , now Jensen is completely healed and back to his old shape, and he made sure to take care of every single detail. He’s even more excited because now they have little ones with them. Jared thinks back last Halloween when they talked about it, wondering if they would have their kid for next year. Jared loves the answer.

The four of them, plus Chad, Chris, Justin, Donna and Alan, put together the decoration, the men doing the heavy work as Donna helps the kids with the easy stuff. When it’s done everyone steps back to admire it, and the whole thing looks even better than the previous years. On Halloween Day they get ready for the marathon, filling bowls with candies for trick or treating and Jensen gives everyone their costumes - he is back in charge of them as usual. He wanted for it to be a surprise for everyone, so when Jared takes his off the bag, he can’t help a smile. It’s a Brave Lion Heart Care Bear costume.

“Really, Jen?” He asks, chuckling.

“We’re gonna be the Care Bears family, my love! Don’t you love it?”

“Well, I know a little one who will be crazy about it.”

Jensen shows Ozzie and Kelly their costumes, she gets to be Love-a-Lot Bear and he gets to be Funshine Bear. Kelly screams with joy when she sees the costumes.

After helping both kids to get dressed, Jared goes to dress himself. He loves his costume, Jensen got them all tailormade for them which makes the whole thing so special. He puts the hoodie on which has a lion mane and he can’t help a smile when he looks at himself in the mirror. When he returns to the living room and the kids see it, they get a priceless look on their faces.

“Now, where’s your costume, stud?” Jared asks Jensen, he’s very curious to see which care bear he chose for himself.

“On it!” Jensen hurries to their room leaving the kids to Jared. A few moments later he comes back, dressed as the Grumpy Care Bear. Jared laughs when he sees him, it couldn’t be more perfect for Jensen. His husband can get grumpy sometimes, especially in the mornings, and Jared loves it about him.

Once everyone is ready they go trick or treating with the kids since they’re still too young to go by themselves. They visit all houses in their street, Jensen pushing Ozzie’s chair as the boy holds his basket and manages the candies, and Jared carries Kelly on his lap. All their neighbors are excited with their visit, Jared and Jensen know most of them since they’ve been living at the same place for years. Some of them hadn’t met the kids yet, so it’s a great opportunity to introduce them. Plus, they get tons of compliments on the costumes choice.

When they are done, they return home to wait for the kids to visit them as well. Later they throw a big Halloween party for their friends, to keep up with tradition and also make up for last year. Everyone comes and Donna takes some pictures of Jared, Jensen and the kids together with their costumes. Jared would love to post their family picture but he doesn’t want to attract unwanted attention, not when the kids aren’t really their own. Maybe someday, though.

All their guests also take pictures with them and everyone has a great night filled with loud voices, music and laughter. Jared can see how satisfied Jensen is, and he hopes that all Halloweens are like this from now on. And also, if he can make another wish, that the kids are here with them for those as well.

*

A few weeks later they get a call from Susan. In a serious tone she asks to come over and talk to both of them, and also if they could leave the kids with Jensen’s parents so they could speak in private. Fear takes over Jared when Jensen tells him what Susan said, and they stare at each other for a few moments, Jensen mirroring what Jared himself is feeling.

Is this it?

Are Ozzie and Kelly finally being taken from them, reunited with their mother? Jared feels like an asshole every time he wishes the kids could stay with them forever, they do have a mom after all and should be raised by her. On the other hand though, Jared knows they are the best option for them, they would be able to give those kids a great life. But of course, things not always work the way we want.

“Do you think… do you think she’s taking them?” Jensen asks in a low serious voice, and Jared swallows hard, he can’t find his voice to answer. So Jared just shrugs, his eyes filling with tears. Jensen kneels down beside Jared and wraps his arms around his husband, and they both cling to each other. They are gonna need to be strong for this.

So later Donna and Alan come to pick the kids up, they are taking them to dinner. Jensen had only told his parents that the social worker is coming and wanted to talk to them in private. They got the message and Jared can see dread in their eyes as well. Jared and Jensen hug the kids tight before they leave. They wait for Susan in silence, there’s a lump in Jared’s throat and he can’t speak. He goes through the pictures in his phone to pass time and sees the ones from Halloween, all of them dressed as the Care Bears and smiling, looking like a real family.

_Please don’t take this from us._

The doorbell rings and Jensen answers it, greeting Susan and motioning for her to come inside. She greets Jared as well, her face unreadable, and she asks if they can sit down. They all go to the couch, Jensen sits across from her and Jared remains in his chair right next to Jensen. He finds his husband’s hand and links their fingers, one drawing strength from the other.

“Please Susan, tell us what is happening. Are you taking the kids from us?” Jared’s voice wavers in the end against his wishes but he can’t help it. He holds his breath as he waits for the answer and can hear Jensen doing the same.

But Susan shakes her head. “No, that’s not it. The kids are staying, at least for now. It’s something else.”

Both Jared and Jensen let out their breaths. “What is it, then?” Jensen asks leaning forward.

“Well…” Susan starts, making a pause to prepare herself. “It’s not easy to say this but Ozzie and Kelly’s mother is dead. She was killed during a riot at the prison she was in.”

Neither Jared nor Jensen are able to say anything as they process what Susan just said. It feels like a bad dream.

“Oh God.” Jared whispers, his eyes filling with tears and Jensen squeezes his hand tighter. “That’s so awful.”

Yes, Jared and Jensen always wanted for the kids to stay with them, but they would never wish for something like this, they would _never_ wish death to anyone, no matter who. Let alone Ozzie and Kelly’s mother. He can’t even imagine how the kids will feel when they find out, and his heart aches for them. As someone who has lost his own mother, Jared knows how deeply it hurts.

Beside him, Jensen clears his throat and speaks in a hoarse voice. “So… are you gonna tell them? Should we?”

Susan gives them a sympathetic look. “I was hoping we could all tell them together. I think it would be less traumatic for them to hear it from all of us, the people they trust. Are you guys okay with it?”

Jared and Jensen exchange a look and nod to each other. “Yeah, let’s do it together,” Jensen answers.

“What is gonna happen to the kids now?” Jared has to ask his question, both Jensen and him always having their best interest in mind. “Are they gonna be kept in the foster system like before?”

Susan purses her lips. “Well, Oliver and Kelly don’t have their mother anymore and their father was never known. They also don’t have any other relative, not anyone that we could find anyway. We always try to place the children with their families, but in this case there is none. So after all legal matters are taken care of, Kelly and Oliver will be put up for adoption.”

Jensen suddenly squeezes Jared’s hand so tight it would hurt if Jared could feel anything other than the pounding of his heart. He tries to find his voice to ask the question but fails. Thankfully Jensen asks for them, his voice trembling on the edges.

“Could… I mean, it’s possible if… Could we be the ones to adopt them?”

Jared’s stomach hurts so much he thinks he’s gonna have an anxiety attack at any moment. Susan smiles at both of them.

“Well, usually the foster parents are given priority to adopt the child, or children, when they are put up for adoption. If the agency and the judge agree that it’s the children’s best interest then you could absolutely adopt them. It would only be an issue if you would be willing to adopt only one child, we wouldn’t want for them to be separated.”

“We want both of them!” Jared blurts out, his eyes welling up. This all feels surreal. “We want to be their parents, we love both of them as if they were our own children.”

Jensen nods beside him and Susan’s smile grows as she looks at both of them, hopefully taking in their earnest faces. “That’s great to know, I’m very glad to see how well you all bonded and that you want this. I’m gonna warn you, adoption is not an easy process and it can take a while. I suggest you discuss it further when you’re calmer since it’s a huge step. But if you’re really willing to do it, if the children want it too, and if we believe it’s the best for them, I can help you with it, recommending the adoption to the court. But that’s something for the future. For now let’s focus on telling Kelly and Ozzie, alright?”

Both men nod, and when Jared looks at Jensen, he feels a deep emotion that he can see in his husband’s eyes too. There are mixed feelings inside Jared, sadness for the loss of the kids’ mother but at the same time he’s overwhelmed with the prospect of really adopting both of them. _Kelly and Ozzie could be their real daughter and son._ It’s too much to process.

Jensen goes to the kitchen to get water for all of them and also to call his mother so they can bring the kids home. They all wait in silence for Donna to arrive with Kelly and Ozzie, there’s too much to think about to say anything, and Jared can feel a headache forming. How do you tell two children that their mother is dead?

It doesn’t take long for them to arrive, and as the kids great Susan, Donna leans close to the boys.

“What happened?” She whispers in a worried tone, clearly taking in their faces. “Is she taking them away?”

There’s pain in her voice, and Jared shakes his head. “No,” he whispers close to her ear so the kids won’t hear. “Their mother was killed in prison.”

Donna immediately brings both hands to her mouth, her eyes widening and welling up. “Oh my god.”

As soon as the kids settle down, Jensen tells them that they need to talk about something very serious. Donna sits down at the armchair, Ozzie gets closer to them and Kelly climbs on Jared’s lap. Susan does the talking, explaining in a way the kids can understand that there has been an accident where their mother was and unfortunately she has passed away. Ozzie is able to understand a bit better what it means, and Jared can see his eyes watering. Jensen takes his hand in his, squeezing tight. “I’m so sorry, buddy.”

Kelly looks up at Jared with a puzzled expression. “Mommy not coming back?”

Her sweet voice breaks Jared’s heart and he has to fight his tears. “No sweetheart, I’m sorry. She’s living in heaven now, she became an angel.” The little girl starts crying too, and Jared hugs her close to his chest, feeling her pain too well. When they are able to calm down, Jared and Jensen tell the kids they will be able to see their mom and say goodbye to her if they want, and both kids do. Both men had briefly asked Susan if they could hold a small funeral for the kids’ mother, they would take care of the expenses since they don’t want for her to be buried as an indigent.

Donna cooks them a quick dinner to try and improve the mood at least a bit. Later both Susan and Donna leave, asking for them to call if they need anything. When they are left alone Jensen suggests they watch a movie together, which they all do. Once it’s over Jared announces it’s time to take a shower and then bedtime.

Once both kids are clean, with brushed teeth and into their pajamas, Ozzie looks shyly at them.

“Would… would it be okay if we slept with you tonight?”

“Yeah buddy, it’s okay. Let’s go,” Jared says as he caresses Ozzie’s hair. He also doesn’t want for the kids to be alone tonight.

Once they’re all settled - thankfully they have a king sized bed that easily fits all of them - Jensen reads both kids a story. Kelly is already asleep but Ozzie is still fighting it, and before succumbing he looks at Jared and Jensen. “What is happening to us now since mommy isn’t coming for us anymore?”

Jared swallows hard and looks at Jensen, who is looking intensely back at him, and then at Ozzie again. “Let’s not worry about that now, kay? There will be plenty of time to talk about this. Why don’t you sleep? We will be here with you.”

Ozzie nods and he’s asleep within a few minutes. They leave the kids on the bed and decide to move to the couch on one corner of their room. Jared gets settled as Jensen goes to the kitchen to make them hot cocoas. Jared’s mind is going a mile a minute and he rests his head against the couch, closing his eyes. He hears Jensen walking back into the room and sitting close to him, handing him a mug and a Tylenol. Jared lets out a breath.

“My hero,” he says as he takes the pill, downing it with the cocoa. They stay in silence for a while, allowing for everything to sink in now that it’s just them.

“I can’t believe this is happening, it feels like we’re in a movie.” Jensen says as he drinks from his mug and puts an arm on the back of the couch, reaching out to caress Jared’s hair.

“What are we gonna do now, Jen?”

Jensen doesn’t wait long to answer. “Now we wait for everything to settle down and when the time comes, we adopt them.”

Jared studies his mug as he speaks next. “Are we sure about this, Jen? This is a big thing, you know that. It’s forever.”

Jensen moves his hand to Jared’s chin, lifting his face and making him look at Jensen. Jared can see his husband frowning. “What are you talking about, Jay? I thought this is what we both really wanted, hell you had a breakdown a while ago just imagining them being taken away from us. Why are you even asking that? It was our biggest hope from the beginning.”

Jared sighs, biting the inside of his cheek. He truly hates to bring this up but he has to if they are really doing this. “Jen, answer honestly please. Do you really want to have a disabled son?” Jensen instantly frowns and opens his mouth but Jared goes on. “I know we’ve discussed Ozzie before, but that was when he was going to be our foster son. Now we’re talking about something permanent here. You already have to deal with one disabled person on a daily basis, and now we are talking about two. And not only that, Ozzie will require much more care than me. I just want to make sure you’ve thought this through, that’s all. I’m sorry.”

Jensen purses his lips and studies Jared for a while before answering, placing a strand of hair behind his ear. “Jay, come on. I’m not gonna be offended because I understand where you’re coming from but don’t doubt me in this please. If Ozzie was our biological son we wouldn’t even have to choose something like this, would we? We would keep him no matter what. I won’t say this will be a walk in the park but I love Ozzie as if he were ours, and I want him, and Kelly, to be a part of our family and I’m willing to help him. I _want_ to help him, baby. Of course I want to have a disabled son, I want to be Ozzie’s dad just as much as I want to be Kelly’s. And now that this is a real possibility, I want it more than ever. I feel bad for their mother of course, but I can’t stop thinking about this ever since Susan told us they will be put up for adoption. So no Jay, I don’t mind.

“And let me remind you something. I _chose_ to be with you. I told you this when I asked you to be my boyfriend all those years ago and I’m telling you again now. If a disability was something that bothered me I wouldn’t have chosen to be with you, but I did. That should tell you something. Oh and one more thing, a very important one. Don’t ever say that I have to _deal_ with you, okay? I don’t ever want you to feel this way not even for a second. You’re my husband and the person I love the most in the world, my soulmate, who happens to be paraplegic, which is something that is just a part of our lives. Just as I still have to deal with my PTSD sometimes and go through a cancer. We both have our battle scars and we deal with everything as a team, you hear me? We deal with the situations, never with each other. And now, if everything goes well, we will be a bigger team.” Jensen points to the bed where Ozzie and Kelly are sleeping soundly. “They _will_ be our children, Jay. The ones we dreamed about for so long.”

Jared feels his eyes welling up and he just nods, not apologizing because he knows better. So he repositions himself with his back to Jensen, leaning against his chest. Jensen wraps his arms around Jared and holds him close, kissing the top of his head. They stay in silence for a long time, just looking at the kids and wondering about the future that’s starting to form ahead of them.

*

The funeral happens a few days later, and both Jared and Jensen dedicate themselves even more to the kids, to help them go through the loss of their mother at such a young age. It’s harder for Ozzie since he remembers her more than Kelly. As Jared helps Ozzie get changed so they can head to the church, he notices the boy is trying not to cry, but his eyes are wet. Jared finishes buttoning his shirt and cups the little boy’s face in his hand.

“It’s okay to cry Ozzie, she was your mommy and you have all the right to be sad.” Jared caresses his face with a thumb and a tear escapes Ozzie’s eye. “I lost my mommy too, you know?” At that, Ozzie’s eyes widen. “Yeah buddy, I was only twenty years old, I lived all the way in Texas back then. She got very sick and no matter how hard I tried to do something, she passed away anyway. It was so hard for me, I was very close to her.”

Ozzie sniffs. “Do you still miss her?”

Jared nods. “I do. But it gets better with time. I always remember her and carry her in my heart with me. And I want you to always remember that your mommy loved you and Kelly very much even if she couldn’t take care of you, okay? And she will be watching you from heaven from now on.”

Ozzie nods but keeps silent as Jared combs his hair. It’s one more thing the both of them have in common, and it brings Jared even closer to the boy.

The funeral is very simple, there’s a coffin at the altar with a picture of a once beautiful woman who has Ozzie and Kelly’s eyes. As they approach it, Jensen picks the kids up, one at a time, so they can see their mom one last time and kiss her goodbye. Both of them cry as they do it. Jensen’s parents and all of their friends attend the funeral, and Jared is immensely grateful for the support. Along with Donna and Alan they get settled at the first pew, Jensen helps Ozzie transfer to it and Jared positions himself at the aisle right next to it. It’s a quick thing, the priest says a few generic words and when it’s over they all head to the cemetery. Kelly stays on Jared’s lap and Jensen crouches down next to Ozzie as the coffin is lowered to the ground. Jared wishes these kids didn’t have to go through something so traumatic at such a young age.

Later everyone gather at Jared and Jensen’s place for dinner, they both have decided to have their close ones over to distract the kids a bit and lighten the mood. It helps, everyone tries their best to show Kelly and Ozzie some love and Jared appreciates it.

Once everyone is gone, they get the kids ready to bed. They tuck them in and read a story, and as they are kissing both kids good night, Jared notices Ozzie seems nervous.

“Is everything okay buddy? Do you need something?”

The kid shakes his head. “No. I was just wondering. Now that mommy is gone does it mean that we can stay here with you forever?”

Jared immediately looks at Jensen and they stare at each other for a couple of seconds before Jensen speaks with a soft voice. “Do you want to stay here Ozzie? It’s okay if you don’t, we will understand and respect it.”

Ozzie shakes his head again. “We want to stay here with you and Jared. I told you this already, we want you guys to be our daddies because you take good care of us. Right Kelly?”

The little girl shouts from her bed. “Yes!”

Jared chuckles. “We want that too. We hope you can stay here with us and be our children because we love you.”

This time it’s Kelly who answers, clutching her Care Bear in her tiny arms. “We love you too!”

When Jared looks at Jensen he can see tears pooling in his husband’s eyes, and he knows he’s mirroring him. He knows they will fight tooth and nail for these kids, and they will become a happy little family. Jared is ready for anything and he knows Jensen is too.

*****

Thanksgiving comes and it’s probably the most special one Jared has had. He only has reasons to be thankful this year, he can’t believe how lucky he is sometimes. Donna and Alan have dinner at their place again, last year they only had a small dinner at Jared and Jensen’s place since Jensen had just finished a round of chemo and wasn’t feeling well. Now they spend an awesome afternoon alongside Jensen’s siblings who fly over with their families. As they sit down to eat, Jared lifts his glass and clears his throat.

“I just want to say one thing. Last year everything was so uncertain, I was thankful Jensen was still here but the cancer wasn’t beaten yet. I only hoped I was able to spend next Thanksgiving with him by my side, and for that I am eternally grateful.”

Jared smiles fondly at Jensen, who returns it and raises his glass as well. “And I had wished we had a little one with us next Thanksgiving. We’ve got two, so I’m thankful too.”

They all make a toast for all the blessings they’ve received this year. Jared knows they will never forget it.

*

A week after Thanksgiving Susan visits their house, asking to have a talk with Jared and Jensen. They leave the kids in the living room with Harley watching a movie and go to the dining table where they can speak privately but still keep an eye on them.

Susan addresses them both. “Jared, Jensen, the reason I am here is of course Kelly and Ozzie. We need to discuss what is gonna happen with them from now on. As I’ve told both of you before, after their mother has passed they don’t have any other relative that could take them in from the research we’ve made, and their father, of fathers, is unknown. So, that being established, legal procedures have been taken to free Kelly and Oliver for adoption. Their custody has been transferred to the agency for now, and as I also told you the current foster parents have priority to adopt the children under their care. What I want to know, now that a few weeks have passed and I’m sure you’ve been able to talk more thoroughly about it, do you have the intention of legally adopting Kelly and Oliver?”

Jared’s heart is beating a mile a minute, they are finally hearing the words they’ve wished for so much: a chance to become Kelly and Ozzie’s parents. He searches for Jensen’s hand and links their fingers, giving his husband a smile that is reciprocated. Jared turns to Susan again.

“Yes, we do. We love them, have since the first time we laid eyes on them. They are amazing children and we already consider them ours. They are completely adapted to our home; our family and close friends all love them. We love both of them deeply and yes, we want nothing more than to legally adopt them and we are willing to do anything to make it happen.”

Susan smiles widely at both of them. “That’s amazing to hear. The best part of my job is when I see the right choice has been made. I can see these kids belong here and I have no doubt you will be amazing parents for them, you already are. The process is a bit complicated and bureaucratic, you are gonna need an attorney specialized in adoption, who’s gonna fill a petition for the court with your intention of adopting the kids and why you are the best choice for them. You will also have to go through another home study, this time to be approved as adoptive parents. I will recommend the adoption to the court, based on everything I’ve seen since I’ve been following the fostering from the beginning. You can also ask your close friends and family to write recommendation letters to be attached to the petition, as well as pictures, school records and anything else you want so you can build a strong case. I’m sure you will be okay since it’s clear that you are the best option for those children and they are already adapted to this family.”

“We have an attorney that we consulted with before we started the whole fostering process, it was him who talked to us about fostering in the first place,” Jensen tells her. “I’m sure he will be able to help us. As Jay said, we are ready for everything and will make sure we have a strong case.”

Susan smiles. “Good. Then I suggest you consult with him soon to get the case going since Holidays are coming and you know how it is. If everything goes well, in a couple of months a permanency hearing can be scheduled at court to officialize you as Kelly and Oliver’s parents.”

Jared and Jensen smile to each other again. It feels too surreal, like a dream come true.

*

Later, Jared and Jensen sit with both kids to explain to them exactly what is happening, and to make sure they really want to stay with them. Even though they’ve said this already, it’s a permanent fixture and they want Kelly and Ozzie to understand as much as they can given their young age.

“Kelly, Ozzie, Susan was here today to explain to us what is gonna happen to you guys now that your mommy is in heaven,” Jared tells the kids using his kindest tone as he looks at both of them in the eye. “She told us we could adopt you, that means that you would live with us forever and Jensen and I would become your parents. We really want this, we love both of you very much and want to be your daddies. The whole process is long and not so easy, and in the end we will have to go talk to a judge, but we are ready to go through it for you guys, so you can stay here with us. But we want to make sure that’s what you want too. We know you’re too young to give consent but still, what you want matters to us. You can choose if you want to stay here with us or go live with another family.”

Ozzie looks from Jared to Jensen and shakes his head. “We don’t want another family. We want to stay with you Jared, you guys love and take care of us. Not even our mommy took care of us like you do. I want to stay here forever.”

Jared smiles at Ozzie, and Jensen speaks to Kelly. “What about you, baby girl? What do you want?”

“I want to stay too!” Kelly answers excitedly.

Jensen smiles kindly at her. “Let’s make this happen then!”

That night, when Jared and Jensen are tucking the kids in bed after reading a story, Ozzie calls them after Jensen kisses the boy goodnight.

“Hey Jensen, Jared.” Ozzie starts with a sleepy voice.

“Yeah, buddy?” Jensen asks, eyebrows rising.

“Now that you want us to stay forever and that you will become our daddies… can we call you dad instead of Jared and Jensen? Or do we have to wait until we are adopted?”

Jared immediately feels emotional, he would never force the kids to call them that but coming from them spontaneously it’s a huge thing. He smiles at Ozzie and Kelly too.

“Sure you can, Ozzie. You can call us whatever you want and Jensen and I would love that.”

Ozzie smiles at that. “Okay, but we can’t call both of you dad. What should we call you? And Jensen?”

This time it’s Jensen who answers. “Well, let’s see. One of us could be Daddy and the other, Papa. What do you say?”

Now Kelly pinches in. “I like it!”

Jared smiles kindly at her while caressing her hair. “Me too, baby girl. So who do you think should be Daddy and who should be Papa?”

“Hm… You Papa!” Kelly says pointing at Jared. “Jensen Daddy!”

Jared and Jensen stare at each other with a smile and shining eyes. “It’s settled then. Now it’s time for bed!” Jensen tells both of them as each kid receives a second goodnight kiss. “Night kiddos.”

“Night Daddy, night Papa!” Both of them answer and Jared feels his heart growing twice the size.

As Jensen closes the door behind them, he sits sideways on Jared’s lap and they hug each other tight.

“It’s happening Jen,” Jared says as they break apart.

Jensen touches their foreheads and caresses Jared’s face. “Let’s begin the battle for those adoption papers, Papa.”

**To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm so excited to post this chapter, I couldn't wait! Most of all, because I got to show a bit of my country and that makes me very proud! Rio is a beautiful city and I could totally see the boys having a blast there. I decided to insert myself to the story in some way, not in person but as my hometown. I'm from São Paulo and I wanted to have the boys visit it because I love my city!I hope you enjoyed seeing a bit of my country in the fic. I'm gonna leave some links below that will help you guys visualize this chapter better. 
> 
> About the story, what a twist with the kids' mom! some of you said you thought she would give them trouble but that's not quite what happened. What do you think is gonna happen with the adoption? Do you like their Halloween costumes and also Papa and Daddy? And about the chapter as a whole, you know I love to hear your opinions!
> 
> Also I'm glad (and sad) to announce next chapter is the last one. I finally finished writing this story and it made me so emotional to reach the end. What a ride! I'm gonna try and post it before Christmas!
> 
> PS: I really wanted to include "Because You Loved Me" in this fic somehow because the lyrics of this song is so meaningful but wanted to do it in a way that wasn't too cheesy, hope you like it! I suggest you guys pay close attention to the lyrics, see how it relates to the story!
> 
> [Rio 2016 Paralympic Games opening ceremony, Aaron doing the wheelchair frontflip ](https://youtu.be/5mndoB2VljA?t=191)
> 
> [View from the Sugarloaf Mountain](https://s3.amazonaws.com/media.viajenaviagem.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/pao-de-acucar-rio.jpg)
> 
> [Sunset from Arpoador Beach](https://viagenscinematograficas.com.br/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Por_do_Sol_Dicas.jpg)
> 
> [Christ the Redeemer](http://www.brasil.gov.br/noticias/esporte/2010/07/rio-de-janeiro/COPA2014_Embratur_RiodeJaneiro_04136.jpg/@@images/07e66279-b159-45f5-b4ac-1059b07e166f.jpeg)
> 
> [Adapted Hang Gliding in Rio](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPJIWT52zUE)
> 
> [Ibirapuera Park in São Paulo](https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8046/8101317635_41f050fabd_b.jpg)


	23. The Last One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the last one! I'm emotional right now to be reaching the end of this journey and I truly hope you enjoy this!
> 
> [Song for this chapter - Wait for it!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeDiK2uy3DU)
> 
> (again, this is unbetaed, all mistakes are my own!)

__

_**Jared** _

A couple of days later Jared and Jensen go meet with Mr. Edlund, his secretary was able to squeeze them in before work when Jared told her they needed an appointment ASAP. The adoption lawyer welcomes both of them in his office and they all get settled at the desk. Mr. Edlund addresses both of them.

“So, what do I owe the pleasure of having you guys again? Any news?”

Jared answers him. “Yes actually. We went through the whole process of being accepted by the agency you suggested to become foster parents, and we welcomed two amazing siblings into our home, Kelly and Oliver. They’ve been with us for a few months now. As it turns out, their mother, who was in prison, was killed, and they have no other relative who can take them in. They have been cleared for adoption and we have talked to their social worker about adopting them, and that’s something Jensen and I really want, we love those kids. She said she will recommend the adoption to the court and we need your help to make a petition for us so we can start the process soon.”

Mr. Edlund smiles at both of them. “That’s fantastic news, I’m very happy for you! It’s not always that we see a perfect match on the first try, let alone when it ends with adoption. Let’s get this started, I’m gonna explain to you guys everything that is gonna happen and that we are gonna need.”

They leave the office about an hour later feeling more confident with the whole process, Mr. Edlund explained everything in detail, and now Jared and Jensen need to collect material to make a good petition to the court.

As they discuss it on the way to work, they decide to have their close friends and family over for dinner so they can talk to all of them together, explaining the situation and asking for recommendation letters from those who would like to write them. Jensen drops Jared off at his office and calls everyone, arranging for dinner the next day. Jared leaves work earlier as Jensen picks him up so they can go to the kids’ school to get them and also talk to the principal, explaining the situation and asking if it’s possible to get a report of how well the kids are doing in school so it can be added to the petition. Laura, the principal who is a very nice lady, agrees to it right away, congratulating both of them on the decision to adopt. She asks for them to come back to get the report in a couple of days, and both Jared and Jensen thank her.

On the following night, they welcome their closed ones at their place. It’s Jensen’s parents, Chris, Steve and his wife, Chad, Danni and Anne, Becky, David and J.D. and Justin and Kellan. As everybody gets settled in the living room having snacks and drinks before dinner, Jensen announces they have something to say, so both Jared and him sit down to talk to everyone as the kids play at a corner. Chris speaks up before they start.

“Oh my god, you aren’t gonna tell us that you have cancer again, are you?” Jared can see their friend is honestly scared and he can’t blame him, this is too similar to that dark moment when they gathered everyone to tell them about Jensen’s diagnosis. Jensen apparently feels it too and quickly puts everyone at ease.

“No, it’s not that. Don’t worry Chris, I’m still cancer free as far as I know. It’s something else.”

Jensen looks at Jared, motioning for him to speak since Jensen usually prefers this way. So Jared clears his throat and leans forward, grabbing the frame of his chair and looking at everyone.

“Guys, what we really want is to ask you guys something. But first, lemme tell you what’s going on. Now that Ozzie and Kelly’s mom is gone, we are beginning an adoption process since they don’t have any other relative. We want for them to be our real children.”

Jared makes a pause as their friends react, there are cheers noises coming from everyone and he can see how excited all of them are with the prospect of the kids being adopted by Jared and Jensen.

“Jaybird that’s amazing!” Chad says excitedly. “I can’t believe you’re really adopting them, they are the perfect kids for you guys!”

Jared smiles at his friend. “They truly are, and we are very happy about this possibility. Anyway, we have an adoption lawyer who is gonna submit a petition to the court, and for it to be even better we would like to ask if you guys are willing to write recommendation letters for us. You are our closest friends and are with us on a daily basis so you know how well we get along with the kids and how adapted they are to our home. So it would really help our case if you could attest to that. But we don’t want you guys to feel pressured in any way, it’s just if you want to do it, no hard feelings. We just would really appreciate it.”

As it turns out everyone gets really excited and promises to write the best letter they can to help Jared and Jensen. Jared isn’t surprised, all of their friends love the kids and always promised to help in any way they could, and now it’s the time to do it. Chad and Becky had already done it for when they were trying to become foster parents and promise to write an even better letter this time.

They have a great dinner together, and everyone makes a toast to celebrate the adoption and for everything to go well. Justin says they need to have a big party for the kids when the adoption is officialized and both Jared and Jensen agree. They will always celebrate in every chance they have, for every one of their miracles.

*

About a week later, they have everything they need. Jensen collected the report from the school; all of their friends, Jensen’s folks and also his siblings sent then their recommendation letters, Jared printed some pictures they took from Ozzie doing his physical therapy to show how much progress he has made and also other photos from their family at random moments, including the one from Halloween, and they hand all of this material to Mr. Edlund to be included in the petition. Jared also hands him a new doctor’s report, deeming him physically able to care for the children. The lawyer is excited about everything the men give them, and he’s sure it’s gonna help a huge deal. He shows Jared and Jensen the petition he has made, and after reading it both of them approve. There are a lot of strong arguments on why Jared and Jensen should adopt the kids.

“So, I’m going to put all of this together and submit it at the court. They should schedule a hearing for a couple of months from now, and in the meantime you will go through a new home study and background check. Since it’s almost Christmas this will only happen in January, so I suggest you relax for now and enjoy the holidays with your kids. It’s the best thing you do. I am feeling positive, you are the best option for those kids for sure. I will keep you guys posted, I will let you know when I submit this thing and everything else. Now, just go home and Merry Christmas.”

Since the kids are still in school and they have the rest of the day off, Jared and Jensen decide to go for a late lunch to celebrate the new step on their journey, making a new toast for the chance of being Papa and Daddy.

*

A few days before Christmas, Jared and Jensen take Ozzie and Kelly to a huge Toys R Us store. They tell the kids they are allowed to choose one Christmas present for themselves, anything they want. Jared and Jensen had talked about it and decided to do it, not to spoil them, and that’s not something they will always do - which they made clear for them - but it’s the kids’ first real Christmas, Ozzie had told them they never really celebrated it, so they wanted for the kids to have the chance to choose something they really want for once in their lives. They will also give them presents from Santa, but this is for them. Making a kid’s wish come true, going into a toy store and choosing whatever they want.

They decide to split up once they get there. Jared takes Kelly and places the girl on his lap as she loves to ride, and Jensen pushes Ozzie’s chair towards the boys’ toys. They will meet up later. Jared directs Kelly to the pink side of the store since she decides that’s where she wants to go, and puts her on the ground so she can walk around and see everything, Jared always following her closely. The girl sees a lot of toys but doesn’t ask if she can take more than one thing, she understands it’s only one. Eventually she sees a big box with something from My Little Pony and her eyes shine. Jared calls for a nearby employee to get the box for them since it’s on a high shelf that he can’t reach. Turns out it’s a thing called a Friendship Rainbow Kingdom playset from My Little Pony, and Jared has to admit it’s a beautiful toy. Kelly decides she wants that one. Jared places the big box on his lap and tells the girl to stay right by his side as they go search for Jensen and Ozzie, since he can’t carry both on his lap and the box is too big for Kelly to hold. She holds onto the handlebar on his chair as they go through the store, and end up finding Jensen pushing Ozzie towards them. The boy is holding a big Lego box on his lap and smiling from ear to ear.

“Look, Papa! This is what I want!”

Jared gets closer to take a good look and sees a Harry Potter Lego, a set of the Hogwarts Great Hall. They had watched the first two movies the other day and Ozzie had loved it. Once he gets a little older Jared will give him the books to read too. “That’s great buddy! Good choice!”

Ozzie smiles even wider. “Daddy said we can build this together, all of us!”

Jensen crouches down next to Ozzie. “Sure we can buddy, it will be fun. What do you have there, baby girl?”

Kelly makes Jared show them her box, and points at it proudly. “Look Daddy, look Ozzie! ‘ts Little Pony!”

Jared caresses her hair. “Yes, and we can also assemble this thing together, all of us like the Lego. What do you say?”

“Yes!” Kelly screams excitedly. “You like, Daddy?” The girl looks at Jensen expectantly, as if searching for approval on her toy like Jared did for Ozzie’s.

Jensen leans over and plants a kiss on her forehead. “I love it, princess. It’s beautiful and like Papa said, we can assemble it and play together. We can actually put both of them side by side in your room and there will be two castles there. How does that sound?”

The kids cheer and Jared looks at Jensen, both smiling at each other. They go pay for the toys and as everyone gets in the car, the kids talk nonstop about their new toys. Jared knows they can’t wait until Christmas to give the kids their presents, it’s asking too much to make them wait for days. So once they get home, they start right away. Jensen leaves Harley outside so he won’t eat any small parts he shouldn’t, and they all sit on the floor in their living room to first assemble Kelly’s set and then Ozzie’s Lego. It takes a long time since there are a lot of pieces and eventually they have to move to the dining table since Jared’s body starts to hurt from being on the floor for so long. When they finally finish it, Jensen lets out a whistle, it’s so beautiful. Even more beautiful are the looks on both their kids faces when they get to play with their brand new toys, and Jared knows the splurge was worth it. They allow for them to play with the sets in the living room for a while before putting them in their bedroom since they can’t leave those in the way. It’s a great afternoon they spend playing with the children and Jared hopes for a lot more days like this.

*

Christmas is like a dream, Jared and Jensen put a lot of effort to make sure it’s unforgettable for the kids. All of them set up the tree together and also other decorations through the house. Jared buys matching christmas pajamas for the four of them, and they spend Christmas Eve in their house, just Jared, Jensen and the kids. They’re hosting a big Christmas lunch tomorrow for Jensen’s parents, Josh and his family, but they decided to be just their little family on christmas night, to make it more special. So they have dinner and after dessert, the four of them - dressed in their PJ’s - gather on the couch with a big blanket to watch christmas movies. Jensen eventually decides to take a picture of them since it’s a very important moment, so they position themselves in front of the fireplace as Jensen sets up the timer on his phone’s camera. Jared smiles when he sees the picture, he’s so proud of their little family.

They do all the traditions, hanging stocks on the fireplace and leaving milk and cookies for Santa. Kelly and Ozzie are allowed to sleep on Jared and Jensen’s bed tonight and both men read the kids a Christmas story. In the morning they get to pick the presents from the stocks and Jared loves the look on the kids’ faces as they open them.

Eventually their guests arrive and more presents are exchanged before the big lunch, which is filled with laughter. They all make a toast to celebrate this beautiful Christmas, and Jared is sure he will never forget it.

They celebrate the New Year at Jensen’s parents with a nice party, and at midnight Jared kisses Jensen for a long time, celebrating the chance of spending another year together and for starting 2017 with their amazing children.

A couple of days later, Jared and Jensen take Kelly and Ozzie to the fire station Jared used to work at. Chad’s Christmas present to both kids was a visit to see how a fire station works. According to Chad, he can do anything he wants since he’s been promoted to fire chief now - Jared is very proud of him for that by the way, Chad has worked hard over the years to achieve that. Ozzie had been in awe when Jared told him he used to be a firefighter, and even more when he shared his old pictures wearing his uniform. Ozzie had studied them for a while before looking at Jared.

“Did you like being a firefighter, Papa?”

Jared smiled kindly at the boy. “Sure did, buddy. I really loved it, it was amazing.”

“Then why did you stop?”

Jared chuckled. “Because I got hurt and couldn’t walk anymore, remember? And you can’t exactly be a firefighter when you’re in a wheelchair, how would I run up the stairs on a building that’s catching on fire?”

“Yeah, that’s right.” Ozzie seemed to think for a while before asking his next question. “Did you get hurt while you were being a firefighter?”

Jared pursed his lips as he considered what to answer, and finally decided for the truth. “Yeah buddy, I did. When you are a firefighter, you get into a lot of dangerous situations to help people and can end up getting hurt. I promise I will tell you everything about it when you are a bit older, okay? I will take you to the place as well.”

Ozzie had agreed to it and gone back to admiring Jared’s pictures.

So when Chad had told them about the visit, Ozzie was very excited to see the place his dad used to work. Jensen drives them to the city and when Jared sees the station he takes a moment to admire it. It’s a place that brings a lot of memories to him. How many times has he come here to work every morning, dressing up in his uniform and hanging around, cleaning the truck, or hurrying to get changed and climbing the truck for an emergency? He was here on that fateful Tuesday morning, when his ex-chief walked to them saying a plane had hit the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Jared didn’t know he was putting on his bunker gear for the last time that day, nor that his life would completely change in about one hour. This place is the reason Jared lives his life in a wheelchair, not that he regrets it. He made a choice, knew the risks and decided to take them.

This is also the place that helped him get his life back. His first job after becoming a paraplegic was here, as a fire dispatcher, offered by his ex-chief. It was so important for him to work here, to learn he was still useful to the FDNY, even if he couldn’t be a firefighter anymore. He only left because he became a professional swimmer and had to dedicate himself fully to it, but he holds great memories from that period.

Jensen parks in the lot and probably notices Jared has grown quieter, but doesn’t ask anything. They help the kids out and Kelly climbs on Jared’s lap as usual, together they make their way to the building where Chad is waiting, giving them a welcome.

“Hey guys, I’m so glad you made it! Hope you’re excited for the tour!”

He gives each kid a plastic red firefighter helmet, and both are very excited to wear them. Chad takes them to a nearby truck and asks if they want to go inside, and of course both kids are eager to go. He helps Kelly climb it and picks Ozzie up, carrying him inside. The kids take turns sitting at the driving seat and steering the wheel, both Jared and Jensen take pictures of everything, of course. Then, Chad takes both kids around the station, so they can see how everything works. When they reach the fire dispatching room, Jared tells Ozzie he used to work here after the wheelchair, he wants his kid to know that people with disabilities can have normal jobs. Once the tour is over, Chad takes them back to where the truck is parked since the kids will help the firefighters to wash it. Each of them is given a mop and everyone starts working. Jared gets lost in his mind watching them, remembering his old days.

Jensen, who is sitting beside Jared as they watch the kids, places an arm around his husband. “Do you still miss it?”

Jared considers for a while and shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe. I have missed it a lot more in the past. But I guess things happened as they should, and I’m happy for the opportunity I had to become a swimmer. I would never had done it if it wasn’t for my paraplegia. I found something I love way more, so it’s okay. It’s nice remembering though, nice to be here even though it can also be hard since this is what led me to my faith. But I’ve made peace with it long ago. It’s just a mix of feelings. And who knows what could have happened if I remained a firefighter, maybe I would have died in another call, I will never know. It’s much better to still be here.”

Jensen plants a lingering kiss on Jared’s temple. “Couldn’t agree more.”

Once the washing is finished, Chad and other firefighters also show the kids how the fire hose works, and also take them up the fire ladder truck. When the visit ends, both kids have huge smiles on their faces and both Jared and Jensen thank Chad a lot of times for that, inviting him, Danni and Anne over for dinner that night as a thank you.

*

A few days later Jensen does a check up to see if he’s still in remission. They leave the kids with Donna and Alan - Jared insisted on going with Jensen - and go visit Doctor Ruth, who welcomes them with a smile.

“Jared, Jensen, it’s nice to see you! And it’s particularly nice to see you looking so good Jensen. Well, better actually since you always look good. You too Jared, of course. How are you both doing?”

Both men chuckle, they really like the doctor. Jensen briefly tells her what has happened lately, about his pneumonia and how he bounced back from it, and also about Ozzie and Kelly, how they are fostering them and in the process of adoption. He also shows her a couple of videos on his phone, causing the Doctor to swoon over how cute the kids are.

Once the pleasantries are over, Ruth explains to Jensen the tests they are gonna make to be sure he’s still doing good. He says bye to Jared so he can go through the procedures. Jensen hands him his wedding band since he’s doing a CT scan as well, and Jared goes back to the waiting room. A while passes until Jensen comes back, and the doctor tells them it’s gonna take a couple of hours for the results to be ready, so they decide to go have lunch as they wait. Jensen can’t eat much since he’s nervous and Jared doesn’t push him. He’s nervous too, he just needs husband to be healthy.

They finally go back to the doctor’s office, who has the results in her hands and a smile on her face.

“Jensen, I’m glad to let you know everything is fine and you’re still in remission, there’s no trace of cancer in your body, congratulations. And I hope next time I see you both, you tell me those children are officially yours, alright?”

Jared hugs Jensen tight for a long time as they enter the car, and later as both kids are in bed they have a long private celebration.

*

They go through another home study, this time to be approved as adoptive parents. A new social worker is assigned to them, she visits the house a few times and talks to all of them, including the children in private. She also talks to Jensen’s parents and some of their friends. Jared and Jensen feel nervous as they did on their first home study, they really need to do well on this to prove they can truly become Ozzie and Kelly’s parents. Everything goes well, the social worker let them know she is very happy with what she found and with the great job Jared and Jensen are doing with the kids. Both of them are very relieved and happy after that, it’s one more step closer to their goal.

The adoption hearing is finally scheduled for February, and Jared counts the days. He is hopeful this will go well, but the waiting and uncertainty are the worst parts. Time actually goes by fast, and before they know it, it’s the night before the hearing that will change their lives one way or another. They decide to have a family night, they order pizza, watch movies gathered on the couch and have popcorn and candies. If things go wrong tomorrow and the kids have to leave, Jared and Jensen want their last night with them to be the best possible.

After tucking the kids in and telling them a story, both man turn serious.

“Kelly, Ozzie, tomorrow is a big day as you both know it,” Jared starts as he caresses Kelly’s hair. “The judge will decide if you can stay with us or not. We are really hopeful that everything goes well, but if it doesn’t we want you guys to know we love you very much. All we want is the best for you.”

Jared feels his eyes welling up as he looks at both children, hoping that this time tomorrow they will be theirs officially. He looks at Jensen, who is also emotional, and smiles at his husband.

Jensen squeezes Ozzie’s leg as he looks at both kids. “You two were the best kids we could ever get and as Papa said, we do love you very much. Let’s all hope for the best tomorrow okay?”

Both kids nod. “We love you too Daddy. And Papa too.”

Jared and Jensen kiss both kids goodnight and move to their room. Jared has some trouble falling asleep and he knows Jensen does too. They just cling to each other in silence all night, silently praying for the best.

Jared wakes up early, not being able to sleep any longer. It’s too early indeed, there’s still a few hours until they need to be at the court house so he decides to make some breakfast for all of them. He fetches his braces and crutches so he can stretch his legs a bit, taking them to the couch as not to wake Jensen up. Jared puts the braces on and gets up from the couch with the help of the crutches, using them to slowly walk to the kitchen. He gets lost in thoughts as he prepares everything, fluffy pancakes as all of them love - the kids now share their love for pancakes with lots of syrup - scrambled eggs, some bacon. When Jared finishes frying the bacon, careful to transfer them to a plate as he uses the sink for support so he can use his arms, he feels himself being enveloped in strong arms from behind. Jared immediately smiles and relaxes into them, allowing for Jensen to hold him tight.

“Hmmm I’m so glad I hired you to make me breakfast. I’m thinking about keeping you since you’re not too bad to look at either.” Jensen murmurs into Jared’s neck as he plants kisses on it.

Jared laughs, feeling some of the tension he had been feeling leaving his body, and allows Jensen to carefully turn him around so he can face his husband. While keeping a strong arm around Jared’s waist to secure him, Jensen pulls his face down for a kiss, and it always feels odd when Jared has to lean down to kiss Jensen, but oh boy he loves it.

“Morning Sasquatch,” Jensen whispers into the kiss. Jared answers with a “Morning Shorty”, and Jensen pulls Jared for a tight hug.

As they very carefully break apart, Jensen smiles at him. “Best of luck for us today, baby.”

Jared reciprocates it. “No matter what happens, we will get through it.”

“We will,” Jensen nods as he reaches for Jared’s crutches, handing them to him. “But for now why don’t you go wake the kids up as I carry all of this to the table?”

The four of them have a great breakfast together, filled with talking and laughter. Once they’re finished, they get the kids washed up and dressed in their finest clothes. Ozzie wears a red polo shirt and dark blue pants, and Jared dresses Kelly in a sunflower dress, a present from Donna. Jared braids Kelly’s hair and combs Ozzie’s, styling it with some gel as Jensen showers and gets dressed, and when he’s ready Jared does the same. Both of them also dress up nicely, choosing dress shirts and trousers. Jensen puts a blazer on but Jared chooses to go without since it kind of limits the movements on his arms a bit and he doesn’t like it. He puts on a tie to complement his look.

When everyone is ready they drive to the courthouse. Jensen holds Jared’s hand during the whole time, and Jared can feel Jensen’s palm sweating. They don’t talk during the ride. As they arrive, they meet up with Mr. Edlund who is already waiting for them. After the usual greetings, the lawyer leaves them to let the judge know they are here. As they wait Donna and Alan arrive, obviously both of them made sure to be here for this important day. Jared and Jensen had told their close friends about today but aren’t sure they will come up, it’s a work day after all.

Mr. Edlund comes back and tell them they must wait for a little while until they’re called, so they all get settled at the hall outside the hearing room. And to their surprise, one by one their friends star to arrive, carrying balloons and flowers to support them. Chad, Danni and Anne are the first to arrive, followed by Becky, David and J.D.. Not too long after, Chris and Steve appear, and even Justin and Kellan show up. Jared is truly thankful to all of them, for taking the time from their jobs to come support them on this important day. Both Jared and Jensen take their time to hug and thank each one of their friends. Susan also shows up since she’s required to give her statement to the judge.

Eventually they are called inside the room. Jared carries Kelly on his lap and Jensen pushes Ozzie’s chair as usual. They leave the kids with Donna and Alan, who sit on the front row, and Jared and Jensen get settled at the desk alongside their lawyer. The judge enters the room and everybody - but Jared and Ozzie of course - stand up. Judge Williams greets all of them and tells everyone to sit down. He has a kind face it seems - or Jared is too hopeful.

“Hello, Mr. Ackles and Mr. Padalecki. It’s very nice to meet you. From what I read here, you are interested in adopting Kelly Ann Sanders and Oliver Zane Sanders, correct?”

The judge looks at both of them and Jensen answers. “Yes, Your Honor. We have been fostering them for a few months and now that they have been put up for adoption, we wish for them to be our children.” Jensen makes a motion to introduce the kids behind them. “These are Kelly and Oliver.”

Judge Williams smiles kindly at the kids and then studies the papers in front of him. “From what I have here in your file, you have a pretty strong case. I would like to call Ms. Susan Johnson to give her testimony, please.”

Susan sits next to the judge and tells him she has been working with them ever since Jared and Jensen had been assigned as their foster parents. “They really became a family,” she tells the judge. “Jared and Jensen took great care of the children from the beginning, they bonded pretty much from the first time they met. Everytime I visited their home I could see how greatly they were getting along and how much the kids were thriving under their care. Oliver has a disability so I had thought it would be good to place him in this house since Jared has a similar disability as him, and I wasn’t wrong. They have developed a deep connection, all of them have. After their mother passed away and since there are no other relatives, I am positive the best choice for these kids is to be adopted by Jared and Jensen. I have no doubt of their love for Kelly and Ozzie.”

The judge thanks her, and Jared and Jensen smile at her as she walks by, returning to her seat. Judge Williams returns his attention to the men. “Well, I can also see here that the social worker assigned for the home study made a great report about your home and what she was able to find there. Mr. Padalecki-Ackles, I’m gonna state the obvious here, but you have a physical disability correct?”

Jared nods. “Yes, Your Honor. I’m paralyzed from the waist down due to a spinal cord injury, have been for a little over fifteen years now.”

“And from your doctor’s report, you are physically capable of taking care of a child.”

“Yes. I have past experiences with my nephew and the children of close friends who are also here. I am always learning to adapt and I’ve been doing a good job with Kelly and Oliver. And like Susan said, it’s important for Oliver to have a role model who is like him, I’m constantly showing him that he’s perfect the way he is and he can be very successful when he grows up despite his limitations. I feel fully capable of raising them, of course with the help of my husband.”

“That’s good. And from what I see here, your friends have a lot of good things to say about you guys. I’m guessing you have a great support system going on.”

Jensen nods. “Yes, Your Honor. All of our friends and close family love the children as well, and they are here today to support us. Kelly and Oliver are already a part of our big family, they fit in very naturally from the beginning.”

“Very well.”

Judge Williams spends some time studying the files, and then takes a few moments looking at the children. Jensen takes Jared’s hand and they entwine their fingers, holding tight as they wait. The judge eventually addresses Alan. “Mr. Ackles, could you bring Oliver here for a moment please?”

Jared frowns and looks at Jensen, wondering what this is about. The judge gets up from his chair as Oliver approaches, and instructs Alan to position him facing his computer screen. The judge leans down and talks to Oliver in a kind tone. “Can you repeat after me Oliver? In a loud voice?”

The kid nods, Jared holds Jensen’s hand tighter, his heart beating a mile a minute, and he holds his breath. Judge Williams speaks close to Oliver’s ear, who repeats the six words as the judge recites them to the boy.

“The petition… for adoption… is granted.”

“Oh god.” The whole room disappears as Jared’s vision is clouded with tears and Jensen pulls him towards his body. They cling to each other, Jared buries his face on Jensen’s neck as they sob together, barely registering the loud cheer coming from behind them. It’s over, _the kids are finally theirs_. They will never have to leave again, they can stay with them forever now.

When they finally break apart both men search for the kids, and Alan and Donna already have them ready, waiting right next to them. Jared takes Kelly, holding her tight, and Jensen pulls Ozzie closer, the four of them managing a group hug.

“You Daddy and Papa fo’ever now?” Kelly asks in an innocent voice.

Jared chuckles among the tears. “Yeah, princess. We’re gonna be your Daddy and Papa forever and ever.”

As all of them calm down, they look at the judge who is patiently waiting for them. “Congratulations, Jared and Jensen. You’re officially Kelly and Oliver’s parents. I wish your family all the best.”

Both Jared and Jensen go sign the adoption papers and thank the judge, shaking his hand. Then, they spend some time talking to Donna, Alan and all of their friends, everyone wants to hug the new parents and of course the children. Jared can’t believe everything worked out, they will never have to say goodbye to the kids, ever. They are a family now.

Everyone wishes they could celebrate right away but it’s a working day, so Jared and Jensen decide to throw a party tomorrow since it’s Saturday. Their friends leave after both men thank all of them again, and Jensen suggests they spend a fun afternoon together with the kids, inviting Donna and Alan to tag along. They go to lunch and then take the kids to the park. Later they have another movie night, a much happier one this time now that all the tension is over.

When it’s time for bed, the kids are allowed to sleep in Jared and Jensen’s bed with them. After the bedtime story, both men give their children the usual kiss good night.

“I’m so happy we get to stay here forever now,” Ozzie says in a voice full of sleep.

Jensen, who is closest to him, kisses the boy’s forehead. “Us too, Ozzie. We are very happy that we get to be one big family now, forever. We love both of you very much.”

Once the kids succumb to slumber, Jared and Jensen finally take a moment after the long activities from today to stare at each other and share a smile filled with relief and hope.

“They are our kids, Jen.” Jared can’t help a tear escaping his eye.

Jensen reaches out and takes Jared’s hand, squeezing tight. “They are. We have a family now, Jay. We have two beautiful and perfect children and we never have to say goodbye to them ever. They are our daughter and son.”

Hearing that fills Jared’s heart with love. They have a daughter and a son, Jensen and him. They get to share their love with two more people, Jared knows they have more than enough to all of them and this love will always grow more and more. It was their love that allowed for Jared and Jensen to bring these kids home with them, and the prospect of a lifetime with Kelly and Ozzie seems amazing.

*

Jared and Jensen leave the kids with their - now official - grandparents so they can run errands for the party later. They get all the food and drinks, as well as some decoration like balloons and other colorful things that they find at Party City. Jared also gets a small blackboard and some colorful chalks and then they buy brand new clothes to the kids.

As Donna prepares the food and Alan and Jensen get everything ready in the backyard, Jared gives the kids a bath, dresses them and combs their hair. He puts a movie for the kids to watch in the living room as he prepares the sign. Once everything is ready, they take the kids to the backyard so they can take the official adoption pictures. Jensen positions Ozzie and Kelly side by side - Harley approaches them and lies at their feet - and Jared gives them the sign to hold for the camera. It says:

_We stole their hearts  
Now we’re stealing their last names!_

_Kelly Ann Padalecki Ackles  
Oliver Zane Padalecki Ackles_

_February 17th, 2017_

Jared smiles proudly as he read their new names, Jensen and him had discussed how they were gonna name the kids and decided to go with the same order of last names for both kids since it would be easier for them. He just loves it. After taking pictures of the kids with the sign, Alan takes some of the four of them together with it and those instantly become Jared’s favorite pictures. They place the sign against the three so everyone can see it.

The party is filled with love, all of their friends are very happy and excited for them. Jared addresses all of them quickly once everyone arrives.

“We just want to thank you all for being here and for your support. We want to properly introduce our children, you already know them but this time, we are introducing them as Kelly Ann and Oliver Zane Padalecki Ackles, our daughter and son.”

Everyone cheers loudly, congratulating the four of them. The amount of love Jared feels right now is so huge he could explode. He looks up at Jensen who squeezes his shoulder, and they share a smile. This is just a little taste of what forever feels like, and Jared can’t wait for it.

Later, when Jared has a minute, he finally does something he has wanted to for a while. He posts a few pictures of his new family on Instagram, starting with the one taken today and a few others, including the ones from Halloween and Christmas. He takes some time writing the caption.

_Yesterday we officially welcomed two new members into our family. They didn’t come from Jensen or myself biologically, but from our hearts. Kelly and Ozzie came to live with us a few months ago when we decided to become foster parents. Jensen and I had wished to adopt a child for a while, and fostering was the best choice we could find. We were able to give a home and our love to two siblings who were in desperate need of those things, and loving them was the easiest thing we ever had to do. Jensen and I felt from the very first moment we met them, that they were meant to be with us. We didn’t know how long they would stay with us, but always hoped it would be forever. When they were officially put up for adoption, we knew right away we wanted to be their parents, we always knew from the first hug they gave us. Yesterday our wish was granted. Now, Kelly and Ozzie are our children, and we get to be a part of their lives forever, we will never need to say goodbye. It feels amazing to share our love with them, and Jensen and I will do everything in our power to raise two amazing human beings who we couldn’t love more even if they had our own blood. They may not have it, but they certainly have all of our love. And it was this love that brought them home for us. Welcome to our family Kelly Ann Padalecki Ackles and Oliver Zane Padalecki Ackles, it’s an honor to call you daughter and son. Love, Papa and Daddy._

**April, 2018**

**_Jensen_ **

“Ten years ago I married this beautiful man in front of me, and each day ever since, I’m thankful to have him beside me in this life. Thank you all for being here with us today to celebrate this special anniversary, it really means a lot to us. Jared and I won’t be doing the vows today, we chose to do them only to each other just like we did when we got married. But still, I’d like to share a moment with all of you guys, since you’re such a special part of our lives. A lot of times Jared and I share our feelings through songs, my husband in particular is great at choosing great ones to sing to me at the most appropriate moments. So today I chose a special song to share with him and all of you. So here it goes.”

Jensen takes in everyone in front of him. He’s sitting on a chair at their back porch, facing their guests who are sitting at the tables placed on their backyard, and his eyes linger on Jared who is the closest to him. He can’t believe it has been ten whole years since they got married and everything they’ve been through. He’s so lucky to have this man. They had decided to throw a party to celebrate their first ten years - and well, they love parties so it was a great excuse - and Jensen wanted to do something special for Jared, to show how much he loves his husband - not that he doesn’t know it already but still. So he decided to do what Jared has done for him a lot of times especially during those hard months he was getting treatment for cancer, he sings. Jensen picks up his guitar, which is next to the chair, and places it on his lap. He gives his children, who are sitting at the table with Jensen’s siblings, a quick look and a wink, and then focuses entirely on his husband as he begins to play.

 _Whenever I'm weary_  
_From the battles that rage in my head_  
_You make sense of madness_  
_When my sanity hangs by a thread_  
_I lose my way but still you seem to understand_  
_Now and forever_  
_I will be your man_

 _Sometimes I just hold you_  
_Too caught up in me to see_  
_I'm holding a fortune_  
_That heaven has given to me_  
_I'll try to show you each and every way I can_  
_Now and forever_  
_I will be your man_

Tears stream down Jared’s face, and as Jensen looks intensely at him he tries to keep his emotions at bay so he can finish the song, the words too important to him.

 _Now I can rest my worries and always be sure_  
_That I won't be alone anymore_  
_If I'd only known you were there all the time_  
_All this time_   

_Until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand_  
_Now and forever_  
_I will be your man_

_Now and forever_  
_I will be your man_

_*_

Jensen and Jared drive to Manhattan the next day. They had chosen a very special place for their vows renewal, the most special possible. They left their kids with Donna and Alan so it would be just the two of them today. As Jensen drives, holding his husband’s hand in his, he allows his mind to wander, thinking back about the past year.

It’s amazing to have Kelly and Oliver, especially now that they’re officially their children. Jared and him got so used to the kids, they can’t imagine their life without those two anymore. Fostering and then adopting Kelly and Ozzie were the best decisions they ever made, Jensen is so thankful that everything worked out fine. The children complete their lives in the most amazing way and everyday he loves them more. He loves to see the kids growing up, learning new things. Ozzie had an amazing progress due to intense physical therapy. Confirming what Doctor Smith had predicted, Ozzie had a great improvement on his feelings and movements. A few months ago he was finally able to walk using braces on his lower legs and crutches. Jared, Jensen and Kelly were there when Ozzie did it for the first time, and it was an incredible and emotional moment to all of them (Jensen recorded everything). Jared had described it as being as amazing as if it was himself taking his first steps. Ozzie was able to get used to the braces and crutches and now he uses them most of the time. They keep his wheelchair of course for long periods of walking around since he gets tired easier. It fills Jensen’s heart with love to see how happy his son is for finally being able to walk, and he knows all the hard work is worth it.

Ozzie and Kelly have new activities too. Months ago Jared had shown Ozzie some videos of Aaron Wheelz doing all kinds of wild things in his wheelchair, and their son had been crazy about it. So after some research Jared found a skate park that has classes for people with disabilities. They took Ozzie for a lesson and the boy never stopped. He was given a more sport-ish wheelchair for practice (and of course all the safety equipment), and goes to the park once a week. Ozzie is really good at it and even though it’s a bit scary to see him going down all those ramps, Jared and Jensen are very proud of him. Kelly on the other hand, followed Jared’s steps and loves to swim. They took the kids to a competition of adapted swimming and Kelly was very excited about it. She started to take swimming lessons and fell in love with it. Jared calls her Little Mermaid and loves to swim with her in their pool, they created their own special bond too. All of them have. The kids brighten their lives even more, and Jensen hopes to live until he’s a very old man so he can see Kelly and Ozzie grow into two incredible people.

Speaking of, Jensen has gone through a few more check ups, and all of them have come clean. He’s still cancer free, still as healthy as he can be, and that’s the most important thing. Jensen is not at the five year mark yet, but he’s completely positive he will get there successfully, the cancer and everything they went through to get rid of it will only be a chapter in their life. Jensen hopes to live many more next to the love of his life.

They arrive at Ground Zero. After parking, Jensen and Jared approach the place slowly, hand in hand. They decided to do something for the first time, something they have been postponing for a long time now. They visit the 9/11 museum. They both know it won’t be easy but also feel like it’s time. It’s been many years, and even though some scars will never heal, this is important for them.

Indeed it isn’t easy, Jensen feels in his heart as they go down the ramp towards the museum with Jared by his side. It’s located under the place where the original towers once stood, he can see the foundation walls and it gives him chills. Neither men say a word as they go around it, and Jared has a special moment when they stop in front of a partially destroyed fire truck. Jensen squeezes his shoulder tight as Jared stares intently at it, his eyes filling with tears. Jensen has a feeling his husband is seeing a part of himself in that mangled fire truck, a truck that couldn’t combat anymore because the building fell on it.

There are also a lot of pictures and belongings of the victims, they are remembered everywhere. Jensen allows himself to feel emotional for all his coworkers who were lost that day. For everyone who couldn’t make it. They go into a room that shows a historical exhibition of that day but leave after a few minutes when it becomes too much.

They don’t stay in the museum for long, in mutual agreement they decide they’ve had enough of it. So holding Jared’s hand tight they exit the museum and go around the ground zero for a while, contemplating the pools and taking it all in. It’s very peaceful here, it’s hard to imagine that almost seventeen years ago, an unimaginable tragedy happened in this very place. It feels like another life, Jensen has trouble even remembering the details of that day now. But of course he could never forget, neither could Jared. They don’t ever want to, it’s part of who they are.

Jensen notices two guys, who look like a couple, paying their respects next to one of the pools. If Jensen looks closely, they remind him of Jared and himself a bit. Jensen watches them for a few moments, how young they look and with a whole life ahead of them, not having to face the horrors Jared and him faced right here when they were about their age. Jensen wonders how their life would have been if they weren’t marked by this tragedy. It’s hard to imagine and he hopes these guys live a peaceful life.

Jensen directs them to a secluded corner of the garden and find a bench to sit down, Jared positioning himself right in front of Jensen between his spreaded legs so he can come even closer. Both of them stare at each other, a thousand unspoken words passing between them, and finally nod in mutual agreement. This is perfect.

“Jared,” Jensen starts as he takes his husband’s hands in his, looking intensely at him, at those beautiful hazel eyes and feeling his own eyes watering. “Where do I even start? I don’t want to say _I love you_ because that’s so small, it doesn’t convey even a tiny bit of what I feel for you. Being here with you is a huge mixture of emotions, our whole lives changed right here, this place gave us scars we will carry forever. But it also gave us both a connection so deep it could never be broken. Sometimes I imagine how our lives would have been if we had met at any other day, if the attacks hadn’t happen on the very next day, if we weren’t a part of it. I know we would have been together no matter what, but would we have this deep connection? Everything we went through, all those hard moments were so important to make us who we are today, to bring us even closer to each other. Thank you for everything you did for me during those hard months I was battling cancer, I would never have made it without you. Thank you for forgiving me when I failed you, thank you for your strength, for you love, your patience, for carrying me when I couldn’t move.

“You are my reason to live Jay, the reason I wanted to fight more than anything else. I will never be thankful enough for being chosen by you, the most perfect man ever created. I know I’ve said it before, but never forget I love every inch of you just as you are, and I would never change a single thing about you. I’m willing to die for you, but most importantly, I’m willing to _live_ for you. You gave me the will to go on when I thought I wasn’t worth it, and again years later, you were my reason not to give up when things got rough, you’re my special treasure in the end of the rainbow.” Jensen places a hand over Jared’s heart. “You will always carry my heart here, it will always belong to you. My whole soul, everything I am, belongs to you. Happy 10 years of being official, my beautiful Hot Wheels. Here’s to many, many more, may each day be a blessing. Thank you for rolling through this life next to me.”

Neither of them say anything for a while, both allowing for Jensen’s words to linger. Eventually Jared reaches out and wipes a tear from Jensen’s face, giving him a smile filled with love and adoration.

“Jensen,” Jared starts, cradling his face and caressing his cheek with his thumb. “You gave me everything. From the first day, you gave me everything. I didn’t even know you very well, and yet you gave me a reason to smile and forget why I was so upset that night at the bar. From that moment I knew you were the one. I didn’t even know your last name but I knew that. I knew you were the person I wanted to wake up next to for the rest of my life. When I thought you were gone and I could barely keep my head above water, you gave me a reason not to drown, I would think of you and try to be strong, try to live for your memory. When we met again, you gave me your friendship, your time, your understanding, your patience, no judgments. You treated me as the person I still was behind the wheelchair, you saw _me_. You made me see I was still there, I still existed, which was something I desperately needed. You gave me a reason to wake up in the morning, when I had already lost the will to. All of the sudden I wanted to wake up so I could see you. You gave me your love, you showed me it wasn’t impossible for someone like you to love someone like me as I had assumed, you gave me confidence. You kept giving me reasons to be happier and happier, you gave me a way to drive so I could go to work, a way to slow dance, a way to swim and through that I found a new passion that gave me a future. All because of you. You gave me strength to fight and be strong when I was breaking apart inside, afraid I was gonna lose you. It was the single scariest moment of my life, but you made me be strong. You made me find a power inside of me I didn’t even know I had. You gave me two beautiful children that make us even happier. Everything I am today Jensen, _you gave it to me_ , it’s because of your love. I never knew I could feel such love for someone, but I can. And everyday I ask for the ability to give you at least a little bit of what you give me. Now I know everything we have been through was worth it. Knowing what I do today, I wouldn’t change a thing. I don’t need anything else as long as you’re by my side and the only thing I need is to be able to keep you forever. Thank you for giving me the whole world, for giving yourself to me. I will treasure you everyday as long as I live and hopefully when I meet you on the other side so we can spend eternity together. Happy first 10 years of being official. Thank you for walking through this life next to me.”

Jensen allows his tears to roll down freely as he pulls Jared for a sweet kiss, and then touches their foreheads staring intensely at each other, the rest of the world forgotten. It took them a lot to be here today, but he doesn’t regret a thing if it means he can have Jared within arms’ reach at the end of the day, he will never take a single breath for granted. Everything was worth it and Jensen doesn’t fear what may come, because he knows they will always be together, they were meant to be from the very first conversation at a bar.

Their road may not always be easy. But oh, what a beautiful road that is.

**THE END**

_“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl,  
but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”_

_“And when you can’t crawl... you find someone to carry you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is a wrap on the September Verse! Oh my god, I can't believe it! It's hard to find words! this whole thing started on a sunny afternoon in August of 2016 as I was in New York City visiting the 9/11 Museum and among that sadness an idea hit me. That's why I wanted for the boys to visit the museum too, because it all started there. It was one of the most important and historical places I've ever been to and of course, what led to all of this. Back when I first started writing this, I thought it would be around 50k word tops, and now it's coming to an end with almost 300k words. I did NOT see that coming. This story took a life of its own, and what a pleasure it was to immerse myself in this universe. I fell in love with my boys in a way I could never imagine. They are by far my favorite version of Jared and Jensen. I often reread parts of this fic because I truly love it, and sometimes it feels like reading it for the first time. 
> 
> As I've said before, I didn't plan or want to write this sequel. The original plan was for a main fic and some timestamps. But an anon on tumblr gave me the idea and my friends were all for it, I was reluctanct at first but eventually caved because I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. It took a lot of research and hard work, but I can't believe I wrote another monster. Funny thing, if you look at it, both parts have the same number of words. Not exactly, but both are 131k. It wasn't planned at all, it just happened as if it was meant to be.
> 
> I need to thank a few people who were a vital part for this story to happen. My wifey Karri who first brainstormed the original fic with me and also the sequel, Allison, who helped me a lot with ideas and also the medical part, Heather who provided a lot of ideas as well and worked as my amazing beta through this, making this story even better, and of course my amazing artist Kelly who claimed my story back in 2017 at the Big Bang, providing amazing art for it and not only that, but also continued making amazing pieces for the sequel as well (plus the idea for adoption came from her) YOU ROCK! Also people who followed this story, leaving amazing coments that warmed my heart and made me want to write even more. Thank you for loving this story, knowing it has touched you guys is an amazing feeling.
> 
> By the way, some of you may not have picked it up but the scene Jensen sees a young couple paying their respects at Ground Zero is a crossover with my other fic Steal Me With a Sinful Swoon. I just had to do it since I wrote both of this stories alongside each other for a lot of nights, sometimes one after the other (wasn't easy at all to switch my brain like that), and it was actually an idea from Mag, one of my most avid readers from the start. Thank you love, hope you like it!
> 
> I am gonna mark the verse as finished because it is, everything came full circle with Jared being for Jensen what Jensen was for Jared at the beginning. It was so interesting and amazing to write all the parallels, and to bring them even closer through this illness. Is this really the end? Probably. But we never know. If I have a great idea I won't rule out a timestamp, but as I said, this story came full circle. It ends right where it has to, the boys happy with a brand new family. Can't be more perfect.
> 
> Thank you for being with me through all this, for all the love and support. As usual, I'd love to hear your final thoughts on this story, if it was what you expected, how you feel about it. Us, fic writers don't receive any payment to do this, we do it because we love it, and comments are the best payment we could ever have. So I'd really appreciate if you could spare me some time!
> 
> This was my first experience with a WIP, and I'm relieved to reach the end after over a year! Thank you for your patience. And for those who were waiting for it to be finished to read it, hope you like it!
> 
> Here's a toast to the September Verse! 
> 
> Love,  
> Lullys.


End file.
